Being Forced But Body Enjoys It

     Alright. Still not really sure about how much I'm allowed to say without getting in trouble but I'll try to keep this somewhat appropriate. Also, sorry its such a long rant.
     So, last night me and my partner experimented with anal sex. I've tried with him once before when I was angry and it was just the tip and it was horrible. I hate all of this and I hate him for pushing me into this. I was happy without it but he wanted it so bad he wouldn't stop talking about it. We had a huge fight and he was a total jerk and basically gave me no choice except to do it.
     I know that I should probably leave him; he obviously cares more about having this than making sure I'm okay and comfortable. I just love him so much though and overall this is one of the only complaints I have about him. I really don't think I'll ever find another partner who I can fit together with so perfectly. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe this is something I owe to him, he does a lot of stuff for me.
     The weirdest part of all of this, besides the actual physical feelings, is that in some way I think my body is enjoying this. When he did it last night it hurt so bad and I hated him so much and cried but he kept going, but this other part of me responded to it in a positive way. He thought that I was about to climax but I told him that no this was horrible. I kept asking him to stop but he wanted to keep going and he kept telling me no and that the worst was over. It was so hard to relax and just take it. Why did my other bits get so into it when I didn't want to be there at all?
     I hated him for it so much. Did my f*cked up mind see this as some sort of fulfillment of my rape fantasies? I knew that I was safe, I knew that if I really wanted it to stop I could have got up and walked away, but there was still so much pressure on me and he didn't want to listen to me. I'm staying with him and we're probably gonna try it again tonight. Why am I letting him do this to me? Do I just like having him in control so I can claim that I'm not responsible? I seriously want to hurt him now, he needs to see what I'm going through and understand, but instead I'm probably gonna be all sweet to him. This freakin' sucks.
Pariah123 Pariah123
May 5, 2012