Emotionally DrainedIt's tough. You've got to understand that. A history of abuse which stems from my own inciting. It's tough wanting something and then hating yourself for wanting it. I liken it to being on a diet. You want that piece of delicious, torturous cheesecake. You dig in, and for a moment you're satisfied. Then you realize what you've done. Regret ensues along with feelings of shame and guilt, and acknowledging weaknesses.
For me, masochism is like this. I begin a conversation or situation, and by the end, I've reached the pinnacle of pleasure... but I'm left with hot shame and guilt weighing down on me. Even these feelings drive me back to masochistic relationships. From this, I know I am primarily an emotional/mental masochist.
In my blog on this site, I talk more in detail about what has happened to me and how I try to deal with it. I wouldn't talk about it in this group just because it would end up being a long winded tirade. But I've been a part of this group a long time, and I thought it was time to add a story even if it isn't very substantive.
If anyone has any questions or comments, exclamations or suggestions, responses or opinions, feel free to comment here or send an email.