I Am a Masochist
I am a masochist. Even when I was a kid, I knew how I felt about pain and humiliation---and I knew not to let other people see it in me. It didn’t scare me back then, it was just how things were…it was natural. But as I got older, I realized what I was, what I wanted, what I liked, and I was so completely ashamed, but the guilt and shame just made every ****** even better. Afterwards I’d just hate myself even more.
The shame didn’t stop me from daydreaming, it didn’t stop me from playing out my fantasies or dreaming up new ones. It just made me feel disconnected from everyone else. In school, sometimes I’d look at the other kids and wonder if they were thinking about the f*cked up **** that kept spiraling through my head---then the masochist in me would take over, and I would pretend they could hear me thinking those things just humiliate myself and feel that beautiful f*cking pleasure.
Now I’m twenty and I’m torn between wanting a normal boyfriend who just wants to cuddle and kiss me and make me feel loved and PROTECT me from pain (even though I know he could never satisfy me sexually), and a Master who loves me and at the same time wants to tear me to f*cking shreds, who wants to torture all of my secrets out of me, who wants to make me beg and scream and moan and shake with desire, who wants to control me completely.
It’s so confusing having these two conflicting desires constantly screaming in my head. A part of me just wants to be normal and the other part just wants to be bloody and broken and bruised. I can’t have both.
And I think I’m bisexual and that just f*cks with my head too, because ROMANTICALLY, I’m only interested in guys, but SEXUALLY, I’d bow to a Mistress as readily as I’d bow to a Master, and that scares the sh*t out of me.
I KNOW that being a masochist isn’t wrong, but what I FEEL is completely different. I feel disgusting and horrible and wrong. I feel like I shouldn’t like the sound of a woman screaming in pain or watching a woman being raped or a man being tortured, but I DO. I can’t help it. The f*cked up thing is that even if I could make it all go away, I don’t think I would because it feels so good.
I don’t mean to offend anyone. I don’t mean to say that it’s wrong to be a sadist or a masochist. I like being a masochist just as much as I hate it.
And I don’t have anyone else to tell. I feel alone, not just because I want to be normal but also because I’m a slave without a Master.
I am so confused.
The shame didn’t stop me from daydreaming, it didn’t stop me from playing out my fantasies or dreaming up new ones. It just made me feel disconnected from everyone else. In school, sometimes I’d look at the other kids and wonder if they were thinking about the f*cked up **** that kept spiraling through my head---then the masochist in me would take over, and I would pretend they could hear me thinking those things just humiliate myself and feel that beautiful f*cking pleasure.
Now I’m twenty and I’m torn between wanting a normal boyfriend who just wants to cuddle and kiss me and make me feel loved and PROTECT me from pain (even though I know he could never satisfy me sexually), and a Master who loves me and at the same time wants to tear me to f*cking shreds, who wants to torture all of my secrets out of me, who wants to make me beg and scream and moan and shake with desire, who wants to control me completely.
It’s so confusing having these two conflicting desires constantly screaming in my head. A part of me just wants to be normal and the other part just wants to be bloody and broken and bruised. I can’t have both.
And I think I’m bisexual and that just f*cks with my head too, because ROMANTICALLY, I’m only interested in guys, but SEXUALLY, I’d bow to a Mistress as readily as I’d bow to a Master, and that scares the sh*t out of me.
I KNOW that being a masochist isn’t wrong, but what I FEEL is completely different. I feel disgusting and horrible and wrong. I feel like I shouldn’t like the sound of a woman screaming in pain or watching a woman being raped or a man being tortured, but I DO. I can’t help it. The f*cked up thing is that even if I could make it all go away, I don’t think I would because it feels so good.
I don’t mean to offend anyone. I don’t mean to say that it’s wrong to be a sadist or a masochist. I like being a masochist just as much as I hate it.
And I don’t have anyone else to tell. I feel alone, not just because I want to be normal but also because I’m a slave without a Master.
I am so confused.
By:
alyssa000
Age:
18-21
,
Female
