Is It True?

When I was a young girl, my father would beat and rape me, he'd also find creative ways to torture me. Admittedly, a lot of these things I don't really remember so well. As though they're blocked out, or just a void in memory that refuses to fill itself. But I remember some of the times, some things he would do to me. Acupuncture torture was the worst, he'd tie me up and leave me there for hours, needles sticking in random places that created bursts of pain that made my vision red . He always wanted tears. I refused him that pleasure. I'd smile at him , he'd be infuriated and beat me until I'd beg him to stop, then I'd laugh and ignite his ire all over again.

I find a sick enjoyment in extreme pain, I love when I say "No, stop" but my master just continues on. Of course, we have a safe word. My signale. However, I prefer to feel as though what's happening is out of my control. My desires are dangerous, and even across boundaries my Master is unwilling to step across.

I don't feel guilty for what I am. But I do wonder, am I what I am as a result of my past, or is it that I was merely born able to enjoy my own suffering as a way to soften my pain, so to speak. How many other masochists have experienced rape, torture, and horrible abuse for hours on end as a child? Is that what becomes of us, that we are creatures made to not only endure, but enjoy the pain. What of our lives? Can we live a healthy lifestyle but also feel that need to bleed?

I really do wonder, is it nature, or nurture? When Love cast us out, perhaps it was just that Cruelty took pity on us. I live in a very Christian area. I feel alone, often. I read these books by a woman named Jacqueline Carey. In one book the heroine, Phedre, goes to an awful place to rescue a little boy. She is captured and treated as a sex slave to a sadistic psycho tyrant. He puts on a hollow phallic shaped object, metal with studs all around it and rapes her with it. Yes, I cringed. But half of me wished I was her, wished I was the one being brutalized in such a manner. I hated myself for it, because shouldn't I care more about myself than that? Shouldn't I love myself enough that I don't want things like that to happen to me?

I can talk to my Master, but a Master is a Master and will rarely understand the yearnings of a slave. He only goes so far, and I love him for it, but I also hate him for it at the same time.

So what do you think, are we born or are we made?

beautifullytwisted beautifullytwisted
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Made. Or at least that is my belief. That story was beautiful somehow.

Thank you :D

To put it simply, I think we are created from love, but there are those of us who are made (molded) from hate.

I have a lot of blocked out memories, as well. I don't remember a lot of my childhood.

This is what I have found. If something is experienced enough, most especially in the youngest years of our lives (when we are most impressionable), it becomes a comfort.
We can also enter into a state of complacency (this definition: a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc.).
Often we stay in such places because we don't believe or conceive that there is better for us, if not infinitely better. We end up playing with mud pies in the playground for our entire lives while we could have gone out by seashore and bask in the sunrise and ocean, or whatever lights our fire.

You seem to be decently interested in cause and effect. As am I.
I recently stumbled upon and read a book that talked about the subconscious/unconscious mind and how it affects us deeply and echoes throughout life. It talked about memories as far back as in the womb. It was *very* interesting, imo. The book is called, "Unlock Your Mind and Be Free," by Edgar A. Barnett.
http://www.amazon.com/UNLOCK-Your-Mind-be-FREE/dp/1411658906
I'm not yet sure about hypnotherapy, but I found discovering the root of problems an essential step.

I'd have to agree with this quote in this case: "Stare into the abyss long enough, and it stares back into you." If you ever find the will and desire for change, you need to be willing to step into a different surrounding. The emptiness doesn't have to remain. I am not suggesting it's going to be easy or comfortable, but you may find one day, it is worth it.

Also, I hope that you keep on writing. You have a gift.

I just now noticed your reply to my story. It's very much appreciated. I use Experience project as an outlet for some darker aspects of myself. A coping skill, if you will. Writing has been an outlet for me for a very long time.
I'm a lot better than when I wrote this little piece last year. I was in a bad place. I have come to realize where some of my issues lie, and I completely believe that things will continue to get much better for me. I have great potential, I hope very much to be able to tap into it and use it for my success.
As you can tell from my story, I have deep seated childhood issues. I am taking steps to develop my self love. I have stopped engaging in activity that keeps me in a place of darkness. I've been doing a lot of research and working on multiple different things.
It's by no means easy or comfortable. However, life CAN be easy and it can be comfortable. I am definitely willing to one day be a person who is above my past.
We aren't made. We make ourselves. Ultimately, it's not about the world, it's not about what we have done, what people have done to us, or the mistakes we have made. It's about how we react to these things, and I truly believe that it is a personal choice to react with love, or hate. It's just about the kind of person you want to be.

Growing up with a mother that was an avid reader, I was reading Dean Koontz, James Patterson, even books by Jean Auel at age 10. While I didn't have the best parents, my intelligence gave me a wonderful outlet, and showed me beauty I would not have seen otherwise.

Many authors gave me hope. Books saved my life, in a way.
I hope one day to be that same inspiration. Living up to those standards as a write myself, it's a frightening proposition. Right now it seems impossible to ever be so brilliant. However, I'm definitely on my way.

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot to me . :D