You Don't Deserve This

My Master just left. When I text him and asked him if he was too busy to come over and beat and face **** me, he was here within 30 minutes. He uses a crop and a short whip, the crop feels great but the whip I find lacking usually. I asked him to get a cat 'o' nine tails , but he seemed reluctant stating that he doesn't know how to use one. He's reticent to break skin, despite the fact that I want him to. I hope, when he whips and whips me that I eventually bleed, and am in fact disappointed when I don't.

He did something I've never experienced before, and whipped the bottoms of my feet. I squirmed something fierce. It was extremely painful. I felt no pleasure at all, whatsoever, which I normally get pleasure out of being whipped. I liked that all I felt was pain, though. It hurt a lot , and I enjoyed the feeling of it. It hurt so much I cried. It was intense, hot pain, and I bled tears. While relishing in my agony, I spoke my safe word. I didn't feel the need to, but I know he needed me to,he kept asking me if I have had enough and he only does so when he expects to hear it. so I went ahead and said it. Afterwards, as I cried and he held me, he said something that resonated.

"You know that you don't deserve any of that, right?" To which I replied of course, "Yes, I do." He said, "Nobody deserves to be hurt by someone who cares about them." I almost retorted that if that were true, why does he hurt me? Only, this man, this beautiful Master of mine, his feelings would have taken the sting of those words. So instead, I told him, I like it. Therefore, someone who cares about me understands. He asked, "If that were true, why were you crying from the pain?" Oh, this beautiful man , I think he understands what it is to be Master, but he'll never understand what it is to be slave. Certainly it hurts, it stings, it burns and I quiver and ache. Oh, it's sublime. The pain, is amazing. How do I explain the agonizing pleasure I get from something so purely, truly painful to someone who just doesn't understand?

This man could never truly hurt me. Not in a way that would be violating, or anything I never asked for. It's an odd thing, to want someone to take control but knowing if they do, they wouldn't be the person you feel they are, to despise someone for the thing you also love them for. It's this constant inconsistency. I maintain such a great control over everything throughout my day to day life. I love having tender, gentle love making. Only. I love the way he beats me, yet it seems lacking now. I want more, I want to bleed and beg without him hesitating, or asking if I'm okay.

Yet, his hesitation, his gentle caress in between the beatings and whippings. His silent wonder at the pain I take, his admitted feelings of guilt. These are the things I'm beginning to love about this man. I love that he feels that way, yet still satisfies my sick cravings. Desires that lurk in the shadows, smirking. A cat curious for pain screaming for satisfaction.

Master, my sweet cruel Master. A boyfriend like no other, to be certain. One who weilds the whip so sweetly, and beats me like I need. Just enough to silence the yearning desires that lay touching me on the edge of my skin, and still tells me "You don't deserve this".

beautifullytwisted beautifullytwisted
22-25, F
4 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Jesus, that's touching. Reminds me of how I treat girls who don't love themselves. I'm sadistic and a dacyphiliac, but I don't just like tears of pain. The tears I really like are the ones that come after they see that I'm not trying to hurt them inside.

How did you break it to him that you like being dominated? Thats my biggest fear, is for a guy I really like to reject me for that. I'm so strong in my daily life, but like you, my sexuality is different. I'm a musician and an artist/aspiring tattoo artist....i cant have a guy dominating that part of my life.

I feel that it's a facet of myself that I just accept. If a man rejects me for something I enjoy, that's his decision. I can, and have lived without it. It's a want for me, not something I feel I need. Yet I crave it often. I outright told him, I love being beat, treat me like a ***** in the bedroom, please. lol. I have dated men who can't do it, and others who don't understand boundaries. My motto is I only like to be told what to do when I am naked. Key is always making sure to have clear communication and know who it is you're trusting . Some guys use it as an excuse to be abusive. Always know who you're telling . Once you establish that trust, and they're willing, it is really a beautiful thing.

Thank you for the advice! I will keep that in mind.
Good luck to you and your boyfriend :)

Wow, how do you find such a man? I am seriously wondering. My gentle loving boyfriend is too gentle and loving and wouldn't beat me if I begged, but I also don't want some sadistic freak who would want to bleed any women.

It isn't easy to find a man with such a balance. However, it's what I like. We have amazing love making, and he is very understanding. A true Master values their slave, pet, submissive, whatever . In life, I want to be a Queen. He should care about me and support me the way I do him. Sexually, I love to be dominated. He knows better than try to do that when it comes to other things, though. He knows I would leave if he chose to be that kind of person. Really, he is a teddy bear. That's why he will only go so far. While I wish and fantasize, I respect him all the more for being so loving as to not really want to hurt me. And it's really a part of why I care so much for him.

Beautiful. Absolutely haunting! I cried for both of you!