I Hate Pain, But ...

I don't like feeling pain. When I'm at the doctor's office and they stick me with a needle, I have to look away. I hate going to the dentist.

On the other hand I do have this fantasy - over and over again - that I want someone or a group of people (the more the merrier!) to beat me up.In my fantasy I want to be knocked to the ground, punched, kicked, stepped on, stomped on, and spit on. I want to be cut and bloodied. I want to get bruises and broken bones.

I tried to analyze why I have these fantasies. I think I have them because I think I need to be punished. Severely punished. I feel that I deserve to be abused, humiliated, and injured. In my fantasies I rarely think about being actually killed, but beaten up to the point of seriously injured that would require being taken to an Emergency Room and needing doctors, surgeons, blood transfusions. Why do I need to be punished? I dunno. Because I'm ugly? A loser? A failure at life? Stupid? Awkward? Clumsy? Hideous? Contemptible? Untalented? Pathetic? Unhappy?

I need to be punished because I am a worthless piece of sh-t.
meezkite meezkite
56-60, M
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013

Hi buddy, Im a sadistic guy that enjoys enormously to inflict psychical and emotional pain to submissive masculine guys... tell me, have you ever act out your fantasies?

No. I haven't acted out on them in a physical way. You must understand that these fantasies of mine are not sexual in nature and do involve taking off clothes, or getting any kind of erotic thrill. They are merely an extreme manifestation of my sense of low self-esteem and the feelings of guilt because of failure and bitter disappointment. I have been getting psychological/emotional torture by setting myself for rejection and other humiliating situations. These situations I am quite good at creating. Self-sabotage is one skill I am excellent at.

You're certainly not worthless, my friend.

There's something about pain that brings all of our senses to a heightened state. Some people have discovered this by either cutting themselves or intentionally inflicting pain.

I would never inflict physical pain on myself ... I am too good at inflicting psychological pain on myself.