I Can Think Of No Other Pleasure.

I was ashamed and shocked at myself that I would want such things. Being raised in a Catholic family (still *try* to hold on to those beliefs) and by judgemental parents, I never thought that I would turn out this way. Maybe its because I was violently abused AND sexually abused since I was 4. (and again at 12, 14, 15 by family members and strangers.) I never told anyone those things and learned to keep things locked away in the back of my mind. I got married at 18 and have had just him as my sex parter for 6 years and I love him, but honestly, I feel nothing. I have no emotion most of the time (probably a side effect from the trauma) and anything romance does nothing for me. I do not like romatic movies, I do not care for slow music (in fact I am a metal head), love notes or sweet talks are just blah and I sure as hell do not like to be touched gently. I learned this one night when I had a few friends over as well as a few of my hubbys. Everyone but me and a particular person stayed awake and we talked outside a little drunk and things got out of hand. The next thing I knew he had his hands around my neck choking the sh* out of me and started forcing himself on me. He was very dominant and violent. I guess you could call it rape but honestly after the shock and tears I realized that deep inside I loved the hell out of it. I loved when he hurt and bruised me and threatened me. I didnt care that he pulled a knife on me and made me bleed. Something inside me started growing slowly, like a fire  burning deep that became ablazed and it scared me a little that such violent things would be the key to my much needed pleasure. From then on, I craved the violence, the pain and the  dominance. And in the heat of the moment when I cried for him to stop, internally I burned with passion. I dont go out of my way to look for this type of sex or abuse all the time, if it comes my way I allow it to happen if not, so be it, I stick with my dull sex life in hopes something will revive it.  I have issues lol I know this. I just hope Im not alone in this.