Masochistic Child

My youngest memory of masochism was when I was around 5. I would lay in bed at night pretending I was a captured girl on board a pirate ship. I imagined that i was locked in a tiny closet not being fed enough and being forced to eat and drink gross things. At this point, I there wasn't really a sexual aspect to it because, quite frankly, at age five, I couldn't understand a sexual aspect. I do, however, remember knowing there was something not right about my thinking and I never shared these games with anyone. When I was about 8 I discovered ************. I didn't really understand what I was doing, or that it had any sexual aspect, but when I was alone, I would think about things like being held captive and being forced to do uncomfortable things and stimulate myself.  Around 12, I hit puberty and ************ became a sexual thing. My rituals became more intense and more frequent. I would set up scenarios where I would imagine someone forcing me to lie with my legs in the air for five minutes or stand on my tip toes with my nose against the wall for two minutes. The more pain I felt, the more excited I'd become. My fantasies progressed to being taken prisoner and being beaten and raped and starved. At one point, around age 15, I stopped eating for three days because it gave a sexual thrill. 

The first time I brought someone into my fantasy was with a quick whisper of "I like pain" when I was drunk and having sex. He began pinching scratching and biting me. That was also the first night I came without self stimulation. It was revolutionary. From then on, if I didn't feel comfortable sharing my desires with my partner, I would pinch or bite myself, pushing myself over the edge. I noticed that the more pain I felt, the longer I could go for. Each time I'd feel tired, I'd give myself a little nip and I would feel rejuvenated. I'm still not entirely comfortable with my situation and haven't really met anyone who can fully understand my desires. It is still scary for me, brining people into my fantasies when so many people look at it with disgust. But I am and always have had masochistic tendencies and I hope one day to meet someone who can fulfill my desires of pain and domination.

mabs0253 mabs0253
18-21, F
5 Responses Feb 21, 2010

Please add me. I'd like to share some thoughts.

Isn't it amazing the kinds of things that turn us on? I started thinking about spanking girls and punishment when I was a teen boy, and it progressed to being turned on by slapping, whipping and other kinds of physical abuse. I didn't know that some girls were masochists and actually got wet from this kind of thing - all I knew is that it made me so hard. The first time I made myself come thinking of a girl being humiliated and sexually degraded was like the earth opening - I couldn't imagine being more turned on by anything else. Now I find it is the combination of the physical and mental sadism - whipping, slapping, spanking, beating a girl...but also calling her names, humiliating her, and sexually degrading her. And you know what? Part of that is seeing her get aroused from the treatment. More than a part of it, actually. It is all bound up together. Her suffering and arousal, her humiliation and her ******.

I am masochist too, I have same type of desires from early childhood. I am a guy, Even though we can be a freind

It's difficult to find the right person, or persons to satisfy your needs, but it can be done. When you do find it, it's amazing for everyone involved.

I hope you will findt it soon, you deserve ...you' re tehe kind of sweet lady I am looking for