I Am a Submissive Without a Master.

It is a very empty feeling. I had a Master once. I met him online and at the time I knew that I liked some of the more kinky sex. I knew I liked being tied up! But he opened up a whole world of submission that I never knew existed and he trained me. He was kind, giving, and patient, yet firm and confident. But he was taken. He had another sub that he was enjoying and it pained me to know this.. he said that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. But I could not blame him for being with her...  because I had someone too. I had a fiance.. I STILL have a fiance and a child with him. But I have discovered what I was meant for. And it is to serve.  And although I realize this was wrong to do..  I couldn't stop. I was addicted to submission.. addicted to him, my Master. I needed him. I was so happy. I was content.  I felt complete. I was in love. I trusted him and gave myself to him more than I have any other person. I felt so close to my Master.  I felt like I could tell him anything and he would not judge or make me feel foolish.  I was new to this world of submission and he would punish me when I was not obedient. He once punished me for not doing something when he gave me clear, direct and simple instructions to do so. He hung up the phone on me and refused to talk to me for the rest of the day. I was devastated. I cried for at least an hour. I'm not normally an emotional person... in fact, I am quite a tomboy. But I was DEVASTATED. Never had I felt this way before. He was hurt too. He said he felt foolish for thinking he could trust me. Oh god that hurt so much. Never did I want to displease my Master again. Once I realized this, I begged him to let me make it up to him by letting me fulfill his wishes the next day. He was reluctant at first but when I had completed my task, he knew I was committed. This type of relationship that I had with him was very difficult to maintain living with someone else. More importantly, someone I am engaged to. I was not happy in my engagement but could not be selfish enough to justify leaving and breaking up this family that I had because I wanted a Dom/Sub lifestyle. (Some will say that I am selfish for staying in a relationship I am not 100% faithful to. But I can not change my past and can only accept the things I have done and attempt to make better choices in the future.) This relationship with my Master was formed slowly but it lasted. Two months this went on. It would have continued had I decided to leave my fiance. Something had happened and suddenly my ability to communicate with my Master became limited. Eventually, our relationship had deteriorated into nothing. And now I am Masterless... I have attempted, on several occasions, to convince my fiance to be more dominant...  but it is not in his nature. I've tried so many times to push it on him and have been unsuccessful. I'm lost again and unsure what to do.  I even tried forgetting about my submissive side.. but everyday gets harder and harder to ignore it. I do love my fiance. We have fun together and have quite a bit in common. Except this. And my Inner Nature tells me that I do not belong here. I am a Masterless Submissive and I am more lost and confused than I have ever been before.

AlexandraSmith AlexandraSmith
1 Response Mar 6, 2009

If virtual works for you I'm here...