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I Don't Understand Why I Get So Mean

 The night before last I was drinking with my boyfriend and some friends.  I had a lot to drink and my boyfriend wanted me to stop.  All I remember is getting very upset with him and locking him out of our bedroom.  When I woke up he wasn't by me and I found him sleeping in the living room using his jacket as a blanket.

I apologized profusely and he quickly forgave me and everything seemed fine.  We went back to sleep for another few hours together.  When I woke up again later I checked my e-mail and there was a message from him saying that I ever treated him like that again he would leave, despite the consequences, and that it was not a threat it was a fact.

This caught me by complete surprise because I only remember locking him out but I guess I  was saying the most horrible mean and hurtful things to him throughout the night.  

I knew he wasn't lying because its happened on multiple occasions before, me getting to drunk and saying all of these hurtful things to him.  

I'm very much in love with my boyfriend and would never intentionally hurt him in this way.  I do know that if its between him and drinking, drinking goes, no questions asked. I love him to much to loose him. But why do I get so mean?? 

Are all those things I'm saying the way I really feel? Or is that just a myth? Why do I get so mean??

carsonlane carsonlane 22-25, F 44 Responses Sep 28, 2009

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Every time my boyfriend would drink before this year started we were fine, we had fun but latley he has gotten so out of hand. He begins to get mad over everything. It starts when I dont want to take a seat, to when I want to leave. He calls of our engagement and yells im a b!+@# and etc. He has smacked my hand thought up crazy idead of me being a spy or have kids. He has fun with his friends but once I come in the room the problems start. It has gotten so bad tonight I had to have my friends take him because he got so aggressive and began to run away.
I want to tell him if you do this again I'll leave but I know he doesnt mean it that he's clearly drunk but I fear him when he's drunk
I dread walking to the car alone with him or the car rides with him.
I honestly dont know what else to do anymore. He is apologetic says he's blacked out but it hurts so much but he wont stop drinking. He swears he will catch himself but he gets worse and im getting tired of this.
Could he be alcoholic, I know theres alot of emotional problems from his life now and his childhoood, an alcoholic abusive father. Could it be he repeats what he saw?

Wow I didn't know this happened to a lot of people. My boyfriend and I of 2 and a half years were just at a party and we were taking shots and I took way too many in a short period of time. I was fine being around everyone but as soon and my boyfriend and I left and got in the car we started arguing and I don't even remember why. All I remember was him driving very aggressive and I was telling him I hate him over and over and he was trying to end the fight but I just would not stop and I don't know why. He punched the stirring wheel and he pulled over and said I'm walking home and all I remember was saying no please get back in the car so I can take you home and I remember telling him all I can think about is that I hate you and he slammed the door and just stormed off and I turned off my phone and I drove home and passed out and I woke up to a ton of missed calls of him crying and saying how could you do this to me and let me walk home 8 miles at 2 in the morning and in a bad neighborhood. I feel like the lowest and shittiest person right now. I hate when I get too drunk and I act this way. I just wish I could be a better person when I'm drinking. I'm only 20 and I turn 21 in two months and I don't even want to celebrate my birthday because I don't want to act this way. I really hurt my boyfriend and he doesn't deserve this. I feel so awful :(

I have the same problem and I have acted this way in three relationships.In my first relationship there was only one incident and there was a clear trigger. I was very young (17) and I was completely in love with my boyfriend at the time, who wasn't particularly into me. We didn't see each other enough outside of school. However, he repeatedly told me that his parents were away on a coming Friday night and we'd have a special night together. When it came to the Friday he forgot completely and invited his friends round. I got drunk with my friends and phoned him up to hurl abuse at him, I sent him horrible texts like "I think you're an arrogant **** and I never want to see you again". etc. This lasted for hours and I ended up smashing my phone at the end of the night.The next day he nearly broke up with me but eventually didn't and we didn't have another argument, drunk or sober for the rest of our year relationship. A few years later I started seeing my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 6 years. During these 6 years I had uncountable drunken rages. I'd tell him he was a ****, I'd tell him that I wanted to see other people (which I never thought sober), I would throw things, I would kick things, I would slam doors I would scream at him. I would run away, suddenly get on a bus, tell him repeatedly that I hated him. It was the only flaw in our relationship. We were best friends sober or if we had a good night drunk and I could have good nights drunk, but bad nights too. I would say it was about 60% of our drunk nights out were good.
He would often ask me what we could do to make sure it didn't happen and I really didn't know. I struggle to find a trigger, often I wouldn't even remember what I had done or said and it would be triggered by something really minor that I disagreed with. I was often very defensive the morning after and would keep up the pretense that I had had real reason to be angry with him rather than admit that we had had a horrific argument for no reason. I would maintain some stupid logic that because he let go of my hand for 30 seconds, or mentioned a pretty girl that I was completely justified in my ridiculous reaction. Sometimes I would try and pretend that it wasn't a big deal and just move on.
It helped if we resolved any disagreement that we were having before we started drinking. That helped a lot but there could still be a seemingly insignificant trigger out of nowhere that would make me very angry.
When I'm sober I am the most passive person in the world so I sometimes thought that perhaps it was repressed anger surfacing but I never spoke about this with my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend seemed to accept this in the end. He said there was no point saying anything because it wouldn't change my behaviour, so it became a flaw in our relationship but not one that would destroy it.
I am now with another man, we've been together for about ten months. The first six of which we never had an argument. I thought great! I'm 26 now, maybe the previous fights were because I was immature, maybe I'm with the right person now and I've grown up and it won't happen anymore. However, they've started to surface again.
He's such a lovely guy and he really loves me already. I got very drunk one night and he told me that I kept telling him I hated him, I was kicking things, I made him walk a distance away from me, told him to go away the whole time, called him a **** with seemingly no trigger. His reaction the next day surprised me because my ex-boyfriend had accepted it for so long I had started to think that it was acceptable but I had really upset my boyfriend and I thought that he might break up with me and it scared me.
It happened again last night. I blacked out on the tube on the way home from a really nice night. But then something strange happened. I had a moment of sobriety getting off the tube. I don't remember the hour before but I remember getting off the tube. I took my boyfriend's hand and he let go of it and looked confused. We were in the middle of one of my drunken rage arguments, but I'd briefly sobered up and I didn't remember that we had ever been arguing. He was hurt because I had made a scene on the tube. I speak another language and he doesn't, I had refused to sit next to him on the tube and had screamed at him in a language he didn't understand. Then I got off the tube like nothing had happened. The trigger? I had asked him whether his ex-girlfriend still had feelings for him and he said "I don't know, I don't think so" and I just went mad.
However, I STILL pretended that I had a right to be angry. I didn't want him to know that I was so drunk that I didn't even remember why we were arguing. I stormed home and didn't speak to him.This morning he woke up and told me that he was fed up of arguing and that he didn't know why it happened. Firstly I reacted the same way I always have, I didn't want to admit that I had had no control over my actions, I didn't want him to think that this is something that could happen at any time and that we may never be able to go out drinking as a normal couple. So I just stayed quiet.
However, as I was getting ready for work I was overwhelmed with the need to change. So I thought the first step is just to be really honest. I told him that I didn't remember any of it. That all I remember was getting off the tube and being surprised to realise that we were in the middle of an argument I didn't remember starting. I told him I didn't know what triggered these kind of arguments and how sorry I was. That I loved him and hated that I said horrible things to him when I was drunk.
That's why I'm here and I'm surprised to see so many other accounts of this problem. I don't want to stop drinking, rightly or wrongly, it forms quite a large portion of my social life. However, I'm really going to try to do as much as I can sober to stop this problem. I will start exercising regularly to relieve any suppressed stress from the work day or everyday life. If I want to talk about ex-lovers or I have a disagreement with my boyfriend I will bring it up immediately and SOBER so that it's not something playing at the back of mind. I will keep a diary to express any insecurities or fears that I have in the open. I will be completely honest. I have a problem admitting that I'm drunk even when I'm trashed I want to get into the habit of saying "wow, I'm too drunk" when I know I am. A lot of my friends do this but I always pretend that I'm still in control even if I'm already blacked out.
I feel a massive sense of relief by even admitting that I have this problem. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
And there is good news. It has got better. The arguments I had with my ex-boyfriend became a lot less severe over time .I realise this has been a really long post so I'm sorry! I hope that everyone here is managing to solve the problem. You've really helped me just come to terms with the fact that I have a problem. So thank you! I want to change.

I have the same problem, it takes the smallest thing to set me off. I'm aggressive violent and hurtful. I hate it. I know i just can't handle alcohol I've got an imbalance but it sucks because everything is boring to me if I'm not drunk. Also it runs in my family. I can stop for a while but not forever. So I'm sticking to being single i don't want to hurt or embarrass myself or anyone anymore.

I am finding myself at this point in my life at the age of 44 and a mother of two great kids. I am recently divorced (my choice), but I am with the most amazing man in the world who I believe is my honest to goodness soul-mate. I wouldn't hurt him purposely if my life depended on it.
When we were first together we could go out and drink and have wonderful times together.
So now that I've built a life with him (he has moved in with my kids and I) and we have a future together, I am completely secure and happy with him. I've also become so insecure, I feel that if I let my guard down and become relaxed, the rug will just be pulled out from underneath me. These insecurities are totally heightened when I am drinking--not just a few beers, but liquor or wine heavily. Especially if I am stressed out and feeling unsure of myself. It transforms and consumes me. I feel it happening with the slightest trigger and cannot pull back. I accuse him of all sorts of awful things, call him names, blame and belittle him. I say things I honestly don't mean--like the complete opposite of how I feel. It's horrible and the memories are fuzzy at best. I do drink A LOT more and A LOT more often now that I am with him----we have a pretty big social circle and do a lot of things together.
I've never been a "good drunk" when I was at that level, but I would normally just fall asleep without harm. Now it's like I am a totally different person. I do believe it is, as others have stated, insecurities and fear. I think that I start to believe I'm not good enough or deserving enough of this in my life and I try to push him away. Or I see a really hot girl and feel jealous, like he would rather have her than me (although he makes me feel more loved than anyone has and assures me that he loves my body). I think in my subconscious I feel if he leaves I can say "see! I was right".

I do love my body, for the most part, but I had fake boobs and then had them taken out, so at 45 after nursing two kids you can just imagine how horrific they are after having implants stretching them out. I know that there are A LOT of issues that I have from my past and I am seeking help via therapy. I have serious issues with *****-clubs and strippers and he used to bar tend at a *****-club (went out with a couple of strippers as well) for 13 years. He was in that environment and surrounded by sexy girls with perfect bodies for a long time. It just crushes & disgusts me to think of him in that environment. It really does make me feel less of him and I know that is wrong. The only thing I can attribute this to is that I was with my "first love" for most of high school/college and my formative years. He was a wonderful guy (reminds me a lot of my current boyfriend) and we had a great relationship. I think I just never got past a couple of incidents (when we were young) involving strippers and *****-clubs that hurt me soooooo deeply and made me feel like less of a woman and very insecure about my body. It scarred me, hardened me and made me super untrusting of men. Then about 4 years later, I decide to get married to someone who I felt would be good and secure and I found out on my wedding day (when I was 4 months pregnant and feeling blah) that he had gone to a *****-club the night before and had lap dances. Why? Why on earth do men feel the need to do that??? I seriously find it repulsive.
I am in no way trying to justify my behavior, but there is SOMETHING that is making this happen all of a sudden after all these years. I never did this to others guys or my ex-husband and we were married for 13 years. I wonder if it was because I was really never afraid of him leaving and i wasn't really happy?
Why do I do this now to this poor guy who deserves me at my best? This has got to stop before I ruin us. Beer, beer, beer......no more liquor or wine when we are out. Period. UGH.

Same way here. I am very mean and say mean things but only when we are fighting prior to drinking. If I have unsure feelings in my head then when mixed with drinks I become a nightmare. :( This has happened twice to a point I'm surprised I made it past the second episode. He has forgiven me, but it will never be the same. I will never touch another drop obviously, but the damage has been done. We have been married now for two years, and together for 8 years. This happened when we went to Hawaii on our 1 year wedding anniversary and then 6 months later again. I ruined our trip and his night out on his Dad's birthday. Who knows what I did at dinner. I can't remember. He is so sweet that even after I was such a #$!!!, he helped me when I was sick and cleaned it up. Who could ask for a better husband and then forgave me.
If you all value your men then stop drinking. It's the only solution. I tried just having two, but when you fight or have mixed feelings and mix it with the TNT then us mean drunks turn into "Evil Women", then black out and wake up regretting everything for years. Possibly even loose the ones we love the most. Being sober is the only way to go.

I have the same "mean drunk" problem. Only when I drink too much. My cousin has the same problem and she is from my dad's side of the family. My dad's father was a horrible drunk and alcoholic. His mother (my great grandmother) was a horrible nasty drunk also and she ended up shooting her husband. I think there is a heavy genetic influence for my mean drunkness but that certainly does NOT make it okay. No one on my mother's side has any of these issues. The only system I have heard working for people so far is quitting cold turkey. It just seems so ridiculous when the mean outbursts only happen when I get smashed which is about 5% of the time I drink but you cant get smashed if you don't start drinking. I guess I could try to measure my drinks but that has not worked in the past. I must stop before my boyfriend leaves me or my family labels me as a mean violent alcoholic. Does anyone else up here have blood related family members that are also mean drunks?

I'm so so glad I came across this forum as for the past few weeks I have really struggled with this.
I am in a new relationship (just under 6 months) and it's safe to say that I have fallen absolutely in love with him - this may be a little premature but, it's happened. Right at the beginning of our relationship I was absolutely fine, we could go out together and drink as much as we liked and have a brilliant night! But as we've progressed I have just got worse and worse with regards to how I act towards him. I am a very insecure person so I think that alcohol certainly doesn't help as I seem to start to think about what I'm insecure about. I have told him that I want to stop going out and drinking so much, his response was "Stop being such a c*** and trying to justify it with alcohol."
So now he thinks that it's actually my personality!

I have no idea what to do other than to cut out drinking, I don't want to lose him so I need to change his opinion!
Any support/advice?

I stumbled upon this feeling alone in how I behave. I've been seeing my boyfriend for three months and I'm head over heels for the first time in years. We go out and drink and I turn into a terrible, emotional and mean drunk. Last night I started crying and stormed off for no reason, then called him and told him that he left me and that we were over. I cabbed to his place hours later to try to fix things, but he had this disgusted look on his face and told me to leave. I don't think I'm going to be able to remedy this, it's happened numerous times where I've turned into a completely different person while drunk. I'm so angry at myself.

I have had a few bad experiences with being a mean and overly emotional drunk. When I was single, this did not happen at all, but now that I have a boyfriend, I have had a few incidents. I think I'm just worried about losing him and it makes me insecure, which comes out when drinking. Apparently I still tell him I love him and I get close to him but I get embarrassed really easily and blame him for little things that annoy or upset me. It makes no sense. Hes very forgiving and i am very lucky to have him, so today i have declared my sobriety. I dont think I am an alcoholic, but clearly I can't handle alcohol in a healthy way, and I will never hurt my man in this way again. Good luck everyone!

<p>my boyfriend would move the world for me. I go from sweet to angry . I feel like someone else enters my body. I throw things and he actually said I get this look in my eyes that's not me. could I b bipolar<br />
or just have so much hate<br />
</p>

My friends have said the same to me , different face voice and strength. Idk i ask myself the same. I guess for me the solution is just no drinking

I too am a mean drunk. My boyfriend, whom I truly love, is sick of it. I don't know if I can fix this as I repeatedly do the same thing every time I drink. I think I'm fine and then without fail I change into a monster. I say the worst things possible and hate him at that very moment. I continue to hurt him verbally and the next day beg forgiveness. He takes me back but last night might have been the lady straw. I love him and I see it hurts him but I have no control. I always think I can handle a drink then it's too late when it changes to a black out. I feel disgusted and hurt. I don't know if I can stop drinking. I tried and lie about when I slip up. He's so good to me but I've made him not depend on me being a normal person who can have fun and enjoy life. Sad thing is I don't want to quit drinking. I do, but don't. An overwhelming feeling of wanting a drink comes and I can't stop myself

that's me. on a daily basis . I black out everytime. and when he takes my alchol, its sets me of. I woke up with marks all over my face. he said I hit the tv. but the back of the toilet was broken.

I am the exact same! I have no self control when it comes to alcohol. I acted the same way last night. I blacked out and my boyfriend drove us home from his friends house and once we got home i wouldn't get out of the truck. I was throwing a temper tantrum appearantly and when i went in the house i was throwing things and slamming doors. Then i started crying in bed saying everyone hates me. Im not going to drink for a very long time. I dont want to lose him. Seems when im drunk i take it out on the ones i love. I feel like such a ****** person, but im as nice as can be sober. Its going to be so hard but i know i can do it.

I googled the question, "why am I a mean drunk?" And this site popped up. I am amazed by how similiar the experiences are to mine and also how a lot of them are girlfriends and boyfriends. I used to think I was a happy drunk, but 2 years ago I started dating the love of my life. We would drink quit a bit, almost every weekend, usually with a few of our friends. Like a light switch ( I guess when I started becoming intoxicated), an immediate frustration would overwhelm me. I'd recognize this feeling surface, but felt unable to control myself. I would suddenly feel like I wouldn't want to be with him and would actually say it out loud, in front of everyone. I would call him names, blurt out things to make him jealous, and completely embarrass myself. I'm pretty sure, I scared the **** out of him and is friends a few times with my behavior. If not, I certainly made them believe I was crazy. These fits would later turn into me crying. I went to therapy fairly sure, I was in fact crazy as I had never experienced this before. Instead of limiting myself or quitting drinking altogether, I blamed my boyfriend. I have no idea how he put up with me for 2 years, when I did this on a regular basis. We could be having a great time and then all of a sudden, it was like the demons would come out. My therapist told me that when you drink, you go to the edges of your mind so speak, where a lot of not so comfortable feelings are. When you drink, you become more unhibited and those feelings resurface. This actually makes a lot of sense to me, but yet no matter how I tried, nothing changed and now I am entirely to blame because the only thing I failed to do was quit! So yes, he broke up with me, no matter how much I apologized and despite how much I really wished he didn't, only now looking at it, can I say I don't blame him. Afterwards and out of that relationship, I was mostly fine. Well wouldn't you know I ran into him a few weeks ago with my friends, low and behold, I had another incident and threw an absolute fit, that again, was totally uncalled for. My friends and boyfriends do not deserve this and I've beat myself up about it to so bad afterwards. I'm very nice person, no one could expect this from me, but its become all to regular. On top of that, I'm disgusted actually by how much I can drink for a girl my size. Once I start, I don't stop and will reach the point almost every time I where I just black out anymore. Its sad when my friends recall these events for me. I've lost the love of my life because of this, suprisingly not my friends, ive hurt myself accidently,lost countless personal possessions, missed work because of severe hangovers, and I've gotten in my car putting myself and others in danger. I'm ashamed and should be, this is not normal and its not me. It took me this long, but I've decided to quit once and for all and go back to therapy to sort out my emotions. I'm tired of hurting myself and others who I love.

Your story just put tears in my eyes. I am in the same boat and am on the verge of losing the love of my love also. I just wanted to say that you're not alone and I hope you are doing better and you've found happiness. ♡

After searching this forum all day, I'm happy to have finally found the topic that applies to me. It wasn't always this way but the past couple of years, I've realized I'm a mean drunk. I never know when I'm going to attack and usually there's no obvious reason. My boyfriend is a happy drunk and we drink often together. I've adjusted my drinking over a year to attempting to only have three drinks in a night...the problem is everyone around us is drinking and I just forget that they don't have the same chemistry as I do...so what happens? I end up making a scene, making accusations, embarrassing him in front of his friends. It's completely unacceptable I honestly don't feel it coming on...one minute I'm fine, the next I'm causing issues. And lately I am forgetting the details about how im acting or what was said. I need a system to keep myself in check and stick to it. I'm thinking if limiting myself to two drinks when we go out and not going back on it. No mater how many times it seems like I can handle more and be fine. It's just not worth losing my relationship Have any of you had an success in realizing our chemistry is different and then making positive changes?

My girlfriend of 8 months loves may leave because 99 percent of our great times have been ruined by me screwing up and being mean when I got drunk 1% of the time. i don't even know what his happening nor have control over it. A Yoga teacher said that our unconscious behavior comes to the surface when we get drunk. It is all our life experiences good and bad, and the booze can really bring out the bad in one fail swoop to where nobody knows where the hell our words or actions are coming from. It is usually the ones we love the most that are affected. I just don't think that I should drink hard stuff anymore. We started when we were young but now I am 39 and I screw up. Its pathetic and It is so destructive and depressing. I don't even drink lately because I feel so sick that I may lose her. I came home after working for 12 hours yesterday and had one shot and told her and she totally distanced herself from me. It is so bad now that all she can think f is when i screwed up and she cannot get close to me because of it. I never hurt her or yelled at her either, it was mostly what she witnessed and how I change. She doesn't have faith that I can do it and I just may not get the chance to show her I can.

The bottom line here is ...... stop drinking! I have no idea why this concept is so difficult for you guys. When something is causing havoc and chaos in your life and affecting your relationships stop that behavior. The definition of insanity is when we keep trying the same thing over and over again hoping for different results. Stop the behavior that is causing problems in your life. It's not rocket science, it's reality!!

I also do stupid **** when I've had too much to drink. They truth is alcohol effects a lot of us differently. Easiest solution is to cut back when you do drink (no shots!!!) stay off the hard stuff, and if you can't do that then you have a drinking problem and you need to get sober. I'm on my 5th day of sobriety myself (which is a long time for me) and I feel great. No hang overs, I have all my money, and I haven't woken up with that weight on my head wondering what horrible thing I did the night before. I wish you luck!!!

Like Rox6, I am sorry you're all having to experience this but am relieved to see that it's not just me this happens to. I seem to have no idea what my limits are in terms of alcohol, I never know when to stop and recently it keeps ending with me saying really vile and nasty things to my girlfriend who I love so much. I have trouble remembering what I say and I'm almost too scared to ask because I know I'd be horrified at how mean I become. I seem to all of a sudden snap, I'll be a happy drunk or a sleepy drunk but then out of nowhere I'm really angry and abusive. I know she's not going to put up with this for much longer and she shouldn't have to, she deserves someone who treats her like the amazing person she is. I've decided to completely cut out drink, I've tried just not drinking as much but I always end up over doing it, so at least this way I will be in complete control of myself. I am still going to go out and see my friends, I'll just stick to lemonade! I'm not sure why this happens, I'm really worried that it's because I'm a terrible person and it only comes out when I'm drunk, but I'm hoping that's not true. I've read a few people saying it might be because of insecurities and things, so maybe it's that and confidence issues rearing their ugly heads. I also don't know why it only happens with her, maybe because she's the person I'm closest to? Either way, it's got to stop cus she doesn't deserve this and I can't imagine my life without her.

I'm sorry all of you are going through this but I finally feel that at least I'm not alone in this horrible behavior. I have already lost my first husband partially because of being such a mean drunk. I'm recently remarried and my current husband hasn't spoken to me in days at this point because of the latest incident. I always tell myself I'm going to quit drinking but then a period of time goes by without incident so I have a few drinks here and there. I notice it happens about once a month and generally it's when I am dealing with higher than normal stress levels. There's no excuse for being so nasty and I just want to stop it altogether and be the best possible version of myself. I've made an appointment with a therapist and I suppose I'll go from there. Good luck ladies.

I think anger when drunk is like a poor form of expression. Pretty much every time I drink, I end up crying, especially if I'm with my boyfriend - maybe because I feel comfortable with him. However, I am also a complete crazy ***** towards him. I say hurtful things and treat him like garbage, out of nowhere! I have a lot of suppressed anger, and a lot of anxiety and depression... but I don't feel this way towards him when sober... it's the booze, it brings out the worst in me... at the beginning it almost feels like it brings out the best! I feel more outgoing, words come out easier, I feel more open and likeable.. This 100% of the time always happens at the end of the night..Usually when we are leaving the bar, or wherever we happen to be drinking. i get really confrontational. I create drama out of nowhere. It literally happens for no reason, and I just get more and more worked up. I end up always "breaking up" with him, and he is always "the cause" of my anger or issue. I usually am always in tears by the end of this boyfriend bashing self sabotage, and then it turns into self hatred put-downs, and feeling sorry for myself..more crying..passing out..feeling stupid in the morning.. My boyfriend is so forgiving! Why am I so insane!? The only thing he ever says is "I'm tired of this happening" and "you broke up with me (again) last night (haha)". He shrugs it off, but I know it hurts him, and because this is such a constant thing, it's clearly damaging..My only question is why do we take out such strong negative emotion on the people we love most? Clearly booze is the trigger, we all know this.. It can cause the sweetest person to become a rage bomb. It ***** you up. Although I think clearly there are some underlining issues, it brings out the demons. My poor boyfriend becomes the target of my insecurity, and easy target at that. Subconsciously we're playing out our fears. Trying to prove to ourselves that our ****** up fears our true, that our insecurities are in fact realities. Booze just paralyzes any filters we might have, and distorts EVERYTHING. I think I should cut out the booze, and clearly I need to deal with cooped up emotions I have, counselling is probably a good start, coming face to face with my demons instead of letting them unleash when I really having no control over them. Alcohol makes you think your in control when really it's the exact opposite. I think sometime belittling someone else makes people feel bigger even if for a moment. Makes us feel stronger. Probably because, in reality, we feel small and helpless.

Thank you all for your honesty and courage ladies. I know it is not easy coming to terms with this continuous headache.. I have been with my wife for 7 years now, and she has the same problem you have all fearlessly described.. She is the most loving and caring person I have ever met, but... When she drinks she turns into the worst person I have ever encountered. She says things to me that I would never tell my worst enemy.. It is the same process as most of you have described. She drinks, blacks out, degrades my sense of worth... passes out, and then wakes in the morning like nothing happened.... The unfortunate truth is that there is no way of defusing her. Anything I say is turned into a weapon against me. I just don't know what to do anymore.. It is unfortunately to the point now where I am considering leaving her because I have seen my own life and everyone I kept close to me dwindle away including my own family... She is an amazing and strong woman who I love dearly, but to have an endless cycle of bantering and hatred even in small doses degrade your pride and sense of self worth is becoming unbearable.. and over years has left me with a broken heart and an empty soul. It kills in the morning when I tell her... Then its back to her being the most amazing woman in the world until the next incident. It happens 1-2 times a week now and she has said that she will change for years now, but there always seems to be a different excuse to her drinking. First it was her Dad then it was her sister. After that was resolved it was her Job. Then it was me finishing my degree.. Now that I am done with that and have a job - pay the bills and support us its now my family... I guess I am asking you ladies what to do??? How long does one endure these tribulations before finally realizing that the problem isn't just her anymore, but now I am the problem. Depression paranoia, worry, doubt insecurity, exhaustion, anger (anger that I have never in my life experienced) stress and anxiety... These are all symptoms of this problem, and its taking a major toll on me, and my parent have even started asking me if I am ok... That I look tired all the time now and are not happy like I have always been...
She is in the wine industry so drinking is business... Her livelihood depends on it, not to mention she is the best I have ever seen at what she does... There is just no control and no filter once she gets one in her.. Any thoughts would be much appreciated from you ladies. I know what you are all going through from the other side of the isle and I hope the best for you all. Its an unfortunate situation and I pray you will all figure it out. I would love to get a psychologists opinion on this feed. It could definitely help us all. If you have any pointers please fill me in.
Sincerely,

It breaks my heart reading your comment LockeDT. My boyfriend is in your position. Unfortunately, it has taken me up until this point to realise that I need to quit drinking for the sake of those who I love and I was the only person who could come to those terms. She will be the same, she will continue to make false promises and say she'll change but she will need to come to that decision on her own, regardless of who's telling her to and if she doesn't she more then likely will lose you. I think you're in a hard situation, my boyfriend once secretly recorded me and showed me the next day, I was ashamed. I changed for a while after that, I still said and done stupid things but it wasn't as severe. It's only recently that my drinking problem has reared it's ugly head again and I have come to the conclusion that I simply am a terrible drinker and I shouldn't drink at all. Record her, document what she says. Then tell/show her the next day. Some people have deep seeded problems from their past and it comes out when they're drunk (speaking for myself). Ask her is their anything she's not telling you? I blurted out my past to my boyfriend after 2 years together because I couldn't hide the pain anymore, he is sympathetic with me and forgives me all the time (much like yourself with your wife) because I am a wonderful, loving, caring person who has helped him through his darkest days but I'm ashamed of myself for what I do when drunk. Sit down with her, gently tell her that she should see a therapist. I have booked myself in for my first session and am determined to change. You sound like such a wonderful partner, that loves your wife dearly but I think you have endured enough pain- give her an ultimatum. You or alcohol, tough love. I really hope everything works out for you!

My friend recorded me and it did help. I think it's a good idea.

I said some things to my kids friend which is not good don't know what I said but I don't really know the kid at all I was complete wasted not an excuse but feel really bad about it

I do the same thing and I am single handedly ruining my relationship

I am too I don't know why I lash out at people when I drink kids and adults alike I am embarrassed

This is 100% what I'm going through too and it's destroying me inside! The first time was in April, and I got so messed up I called my boyfriend so many times and ended up callin his mom and made sure to tell him he was single. Every since then there's been nearly 8 incidents I'm sure, and I always hurt him so bad. Telling him I want to break up and he's a loser and all sorts of hurtful things that I do not mean. Last night I knew he was asleep but was pretty drunk and convinced myself he was partying with his friends and just ignoring me, and I kept getting so mad that he was having more fun and didn't need me o want anything to do with me because I wasn't good enough, I called him over 30 times. I love him more than anything and he forgives me every time, he's such an angel and I don't deserve him at all. It's only a matter of time before he gives up on me, and every time I drink I try so so hard to keep myself in control because I never want to ruin his night, and I always do. I believe it's 100% insecurity! I've always had problems with it. I just need to stop drinking Before it's too late.

I can't believe how many of us suffer from the same thing...I thought I was alone in this as none of my friends say hurtful things to their boyfriends or husbands when drunk and I do envy them. I love my boyfriend so much and I would do anything for him as he would for me. I know he'd never cheat he always tells me the truth he is a genuine guy one in a million. I don't drink much but when I do have no control after a certain point and can no longer drink spirits for I black out. This Friday just past I left 4 horrible voicemails on my bf phone accusing him of all sorts. He didn't come over this weekend because of it and is now thinking whether or not to stay with me. I can't begin to describe how I feel...my stomach is in knots I just hope he gives us one last chance as I couldn't bare it if I lost him. As many of you have also said I too will give up the drink to keep his love. Now I just have to wait until he contacts me to find out where we go from here. I am my own worst enemy and I hate myself for becoming that mean person he doesn't deserve it. I so hope he stays we are happy together have fun and love each other very much....I hope that's enough and for me to prove to him once and for all just how much he means to me by giving up the drink.

I work In a bar and I think from my experiences drinking loosens people's thoughts, they become stronger, more opinionated, they grow big balls excuse my French.
I've noticed that men can become more aggressive and women can become more hurtful and emotional crying is actually equal between the two sex's.

I think the reason why women become hurtful towards their men is because of insecurity about something with themselves and their partner. I know it may sound crazy but I think people test their partners love in a Effed up way sometimes.

But these are things I see with my friends and I because we have drinking problems and I think alcohol messes up chemicals in your mind. I know from experience.

Iam the same and its starting to ruin everything and i just dont see a way out! i ahve been fighting drink for 15 years now and im only 27 and i really dont know what t do i went from drinking everyday to maybe once a week but now when iam drionking i just lash out at my boyfriend and i feel so embaressed the next day but th eworst thing is i usually dont remember anything ive rang him up a good few time sthe night after thinking everythings ok and he says to me "u dont remember do u" and i dont not a thing! its so sceary i just want to be normal im so sick of myself i dont know how he puts up with it but i know hes goin to walk soon and i really dont know what id do without him im so lost i dont know why i do this to him i love him with all my heart but it just seems i cant stop the wanting some form of buzz how am i ever goin to be normal

This happens to me too and I think the only solution is to stop drinking. I only get drunk once a month or once every two months. I tell myself every time i drink that I will pace myself and not get drunk but I am a lightweight. I am normally a happy drunk, all I want to do is dance and have fun with family and friends etc but then when I go home with my boyfriend I say stupid hurtful things to him that I don't mean. Some of the things I've said to him I have never even thought while sober and its like it just comes out of nowhere. I don't understand why I do this and I am terrified that I have already ruined our perfectly happy relationship.

We are together for over four years and i love him more than anything. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he really is my best friend and the best boyfriend in the world. I trust him completely and know he would never hurt me but the last time I was drunk I got really paranoid. I don't even know where it came from. I said "oh your just sticking around until someone better comes along, you'll have an affair and leave me for some b**ch! What the hell?? I did not mean one word of that. I told him I don't want him going to stags and that is not true. I called his ex girlfriends fat!! And I have never even thought about his exes before. Where did that come from? I said something about his mother too and I get on really well with her.

I am so confused and embarrassed. I don't know what was wrong with me! That is the first time I have ever said anything like that to him. I am a confident person. I have never felt threatened or thought he would cheat on me or anything. I know he loves me, he wants to marry me, have kids with me but why did I act like an insecure drama queen who is terrified hes going to leave??

And I said stupid crap like "you don't really love me" and I know he does! I kept asking him loads of stupid questions and then I stormed out and slept in the spare room! The worst thing is I cant remember a thing!

I feel awful about this. Normally when I'm drunk I am not nasty. I get upset sometimes and annoy him and say stupid things but I have never lashed out at him before like this and I have never in my life accused him of anything bad. I trust him so much and I feel like a crazy person for saying all that crap. He said he forgives me and knows I didn't mean it but I feel so guilty. He asked me not to drink wine again and I wont but I am afraid this will happen again no matter what I drink so I think I should just not drink at all anymore!

A close relative on mine passed away two years ago and that was when it started and even though I have done most of my grieving and feel happier in general, I am getting worse when I drink. I have anxiety and I am terrified of losing him for the past two or three months. I have been thinking about all the ways that I could possibly lose him and it scares me because I want him around for the rest of my life. I never want to lose him and when this happens when I am drunk it makes me even more scared and its like a vicious cycle. The more I try to get rid of my anxiety the worse it gets and then it all comes out when I am drunk.

I think I need counselling but I am afraid to go. Until I get my head sorted I am not going to drink again. I cannot lose my best friend and my soul mate. He has been there through all the tough times. He is my rock and I would be lost without him. I just hope he still feels the same way about me. I used to be so strong but now I feel weak and pathetic and ashamed! I hate myself sometimes and the guilt just wont go away. All I want to do is make him happy but how can I when I'm not happy? Its just hard. I hope I never have to lose someone I love again. It hurts too much.

I wish I could just go away with him. Just the two of us for a week or two and not worry about a thing. Just to show him how much he really means to me. I am going to book us both a holiday.

I am the same way I love my boyfriend to pieces but I drink to much I black out wont remember I thing but apparently I just unleash on him and say horrible hurtful things! I truely dont feel that way towards why would I act like that or say thoes things I dont understand I'm so frustrated with why I would do that I'm the least mean person. And I feel so deppressed and beyond embarssed and ashamed the next day and saying I'm sorry dosent work anymore my boyfriend really thinks I have a problem with him and it comes out when I drink but i really dont I love him

I have had a very similar experience, all I can say is please stop! Before it ruins your lives! I am a lovely person when I am sober but I have let my past issues get the better of me when out of my head and I am right now facing losing the man I love. I have no one else of much importance in my life, and have lost jobs in the past to drinking, I am making the decision to stop drinking and build a healthier future and I really hope it works. If the choice is drink or love, I choose love. Good luck ladies