Looking Back, Now And The Possible Future


As I look back on the lives of us, the five widows, I realize we have all come a long way, emotionally. We also know where we are and where we want to go. It wasn't always this way.  Once the reality of knowing our husbands were just not coming back, something changed within each of us.

In the beginning (Gosh, this sounds like Genesis.) there were several avenues to cope and understand our new status within the world. There are books, people and articles to help you understand that every new widow goes through what you are, after their spouse dies. But, after you get past all of the first year sadness and numbness of it all, there is nothing to help you with the next step in the reality of it.

Beth, was the first to loose her husband. She went through so much emotional stress and heart-break. The only one she really had during this time, other than family, was me. And I really did not have the knowledge at that time, to really understand all of her feelings concerning her husband's death. But, at least I was there and going through a touch and go situation with my very ill husband.

She was such a young widow and that was, maybe to her advantage. Being young, you look at life in a different perspective, because of the youth. Oh, she had her share of the sadness, of instantly becoming a widow, but she also had thoughts of continuing with her life, at an earlier stage of the mourning process than the rest of us. Her love and excitement of life itself, flowed over into our own lives, emotions and thoughts. She was just intoxicating to everyone around her.

Even though, she found another person to add to her heart and life. which created her to no longer be considered a widow. She remarried and continued a friendship with all of us widows. She was determined to push, tug and create gateways for us to move forward. She wanted us to move from being labeled a widow to single.

Her biggest challenge was... me. (laugh) I had moved through the mourning period, reflected my energies on the present, but I just could not contemplate on the future and had no desire to even think about it. Live one day at a time, was what I thought, and take one step at a time just as I did when going through the emotional devastation of mourning.

All of the other widows were excited about every new adventure Beth came up with and even looked forward to her new ideas. They loved the dirty dancing classes, new hair styles, the latest fashions stuck on our bodies and the frozen Margareta parties.

I should have been excited about all of it, since i was the one who got the Widow's Club started in the first place. But I did not have "myself" in mind at the time. It was all about helping them, not me! But, since I did start it, I had to participate. I could not let them down and I did want them to move on with their lives and forget the pain.

All of the widows now have a man in their lives to share their lives with in some way or another. Even Julian, the man hater! (laugh) She really isn't a man hater, just a "one" man hater.

Now, I am the one they seem to be focused on and "Oh, my gosh" I am headed towards.... what? With all four of them working together, I would not be surprised, to open my closet door and find thousands of frogs with Judith, Lydia, Amanda and Beth, pushing them in my face and saying, "Kiss one, just one!"

Wake up! I told myself. Do not even think about what they could or would do. Should I even dare to answer my phone or see who may be at the door? (laugh) Of course, I will answer the phone and see who is at the door! It just may be one of them needing a friend or help in some way. 
journalwriter journalwriter
51-55, F
Jul 13, 2010