Misanthopy, I Hate It, Why Do I Have To Be Like This? I Want To Change Ya Know?

When I was a kid I was able to make friends easily, I enjoyed being around people.  Than I hit middle school moved to a new area and I hated every person I ran into, guy girl it didn't matter.  I disliked them greatly for no reason, i'd just stare at people and hate them based on how they look and acted.  I started getting better in highschool, made more friends even had a girlfriend for 2 years who, big suprised ended up hating when I loved her... but did I love her? No, I think I just loved her because of the sex, because thats all I desired whenever she was in my company.  Now I'm enrolled in a community college with barely any friends, haven't had a girlfriend for 2 and a half years.  I'm not a bad looking guy either, quite the contrary to what people tell me, but I feel myself that I'm ugly, whenever I look into the mirror I hate what I see, I loathe myself and my inability to be happy and share my happiness with anyone, hell I can't even have a conversation with my parents.  I'm actually starting to feel lonely though, and for the past 3 years I've been completely alone and didn't care, but now I want to change.  Before i'd rarely smile if ever at all, but now I'm finding it easier to smile at people and talk to them but still I feel like I cannot connect with anyone.  And what with facebook and all I barely have any friends on it, I feel people will see that and stray away from me even if they do like me.  "Oh hes a loner, what the hell is wrong with this guy", do people actually think like this?  Because thats what I strongly feel, that I'll never be able to make any friends because I have no friends now and people will think I'm disturbed or something is wrong with me.  But hell I can't be lonely the rest of my life, I don't want to be.  My brother is the complete opposite of me, he loves people in general, has many friends and has a beautiful girlfriend that absolutely adores him.  I've always wanted to be like my brother, the guy that could make friends with anyone.  I just don't understand what is holding me back.  Some sort of Concietedness?  Because I feel that when talking to some people I just don't feel like talking to them for no reason at all.  In highschool I would only smile and talk to girls I liked, i.e girls I wanted to date, as for guys I basically had a **** off attitude to most of them except the few dudes i could actually connect with and joke around with.  But I don't want to be that person anymore, I want to be a friendly person to all people and have friends and a girlfriend.  Any advice for me?  An extremely screwed up misanthropist.. is there any hope for me?

Wiper Wiper
18-21, M
2 Responses Feb 27, 2010

You are probably trans. GET A SEX CHANGE!

After you do, KEEP THE HATE TRAIN GOIN! Humans suck.

I can relate except I'm slightly older than when you originally posted this. I'm 24 years old and have dwelled within the depths of misanthropy for years. I fight it everyday. I honestly believe it has something to do with how the brain is wired. Possibly mood or thought disorders, could even be depression. If you haven't already, I'd advise visiting a therapist or family doctor. I've visited specialists and am still trying to find the source of the problem. I want to be a better, well-rounded person but it's been hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed for life. Just don't give up. Become more socially active(if at all possible), exercise more and love yourself in any imaginable way(even if it's a small, seemingly insignificant way). Best of luck.