Step Children Hate Me

I have been a step mom for 18 years and have dealt with so many problems from thier natural mother due to her hating me and my husband. I also have 3 children of my own. My problem is this, I am in no way a perfect person but I have really tried to be a good step mom and treat all of children the same. I believe that thier real mother has brain washed them against me. I knew it was happening from the little comments and laughing they would do at my expense and the fact the the mother would write me letters and my husband telling us they hating me. I thought as they got older they would come to see the truth and except me, however this is not the case. My oldest step daughter lived with us for four years and yes she is closer to me than the other two. but the other two are 25 and 21 and will not except me still. I did nothing to them I did not take thier father from them on the contrary his ex was remarried before we were ever engaged. I am at my wits end because I love these children I have seen them grow up and know what they have gone threw. I just dont know how to get through to them that I want to be excepted by them, it is affecting my two sons that are their half brothers as well. any advised or questions are appreciated.

reneahatcher reneahatcher
36-40, F
14 Responses Jan 12, 2009

As long as their bio mom is alive and kicking she'll have input into her kids lives. The more controlling, hateful, and tied to her kids she is, the worse it will be for you. My step kids are adults and I have NO relationship with any of them because of their mom's influence and "brain-washing" as you put it into their lives. I have felt in the past that one step son in particular has been an information sponge more than anything else, reporting back everything to his mom as would come out later. I find it to be a no win situation. My husband is worth every bit of "kid and ex" drama, so I have endured. Best of luck to you!

Im currently going through somewhat of the same situation. My husband and I have been together for a little over 6 years now, he is quite a bit older than myself. I'm 25. In the begining I couldnt get my step daughter to even talk to me, my stepson was fine with me and we had fun together. Throughout the years my husbands ex wife moved them to Arizona, when her husband left her she expected mine to come get her and the kids, we decided that him and I would go down there with our new baby, watch my step daughter graduate and bring the kids and all their things up with us and let his ex deal with getting here herself, shes a perfectly capable adult. But that wasnt happening, she had her new boyfriend do it...The kids were told their dad said he wouldnt do it and that I said if he went there I was taking our son and he'd never see him again, so they were angry with him. My stepdaughter went to college and my stepson moved in with us. Their mother bounced around for a long time and while she was gone things were GREAT! My stepdaughter and I got close and things with my stepson got "comfortable", considering they were in AZ for so long it was nice when he came home and felt like it was home. My husband and I just married this past June, one day I asked my stepson where my kid was, he replied "you mean your other kid", which made me feel really good. Well their mother has come back and my stepson is visiting her on the weekends, suddenly he says I dont want him there and that I just have a notion of having a perfect family. I started working 10-12 hr days just prior to my husbsnd and getting married so other than taking him school clothes shopping and taking him to pick up a car I had bought for him, I havent had alot of time to see him or talk to him. His mother has been leaving threatening voicemails on my phone and tried to attack me- in front of him even and at the time my son was 4 months old, she even tried breaking his car door window to get to me. I put a ppo on her becausr i couldnt take it anymore after being diagnosed with cancer recently, I just dont have any fight left in me. After she was served with the ppo, she called cps with crazy accusations and made my stepson back her lies up, shes appealimg my ppo and is making him lie in court for her... I dont even know what to do, this is all out of hand and my stepson should not be put in the middle, I vant see how a mother could do duch things to her children' we proyect and shield our kids from things like this and shes forcing him to be directly in the center of it all- if he dorsnt stand up and do whst she says then that mesns hes against her, dhe guilts him into whatever she wants out og him.

Just an update, We went to court for the ppo and she did have my stepson lie.. Not only about the way I treat him but she brought my now 2 year old into it, having my stepson say I scream and swear and my baby all the time, just as I do him.. That I lock up food so he can\'t eat and so on. Then by the grace of God she began bouncing around again and not seeing my stepson.. Things were getting better, and dare I say it- they were feeling normal again. Now my husbands ex has gone and gotten epan ex part order for custody, saying all this things and more! Now their saying I\'m a drug addict, I neglect my son and stepson, abuse them and my husband.. The list goes on with lies she\'s saying and my stepson just goes along with it, now saying he\'s afraid of his dad (Which my husband is not a scary dad, the kids walk all over him, treat him like crap, they\'re completely disrespectful to him and he takes it, he basically pretends its not happening because if he dared to stand up for himself or discipline my stepson he knows it would get exaggerated to an extreme) I don\'t know what to do anymore. I live for my family and I do everything I can for them. I feel like her hatred for me has ruined my husbands relationship with his children and taken any chance of my having a relationship with them. I\'ve tried to show them that I care, that I\'m here for them but my husbands ex has somehow made them believe that I don\'t want them around and that I treat them so badly. I\'m confused as to how these kids (17 and 21) have lost their own thoughts and opinions. It seems like they\'ve taken on every thought, word, opinion and even lies that came from her.

I\'d also like to add that the mother received child support for my stepson for a year after he moved in with us, when my husband finally went for custody (Real ma not seeing him at all and no way would she spend a cent on him) She called their children and made my husband out to be some horrible man that was hurting her by doing this and the kids instantly were angry with my hubby, wouldn\'t talk to him and treated him so bad that he actually went to FOC and stopped his decision to go for custody in hopes that the kids would talk to him again. Its not just me that she has turned these kids against, its their father as well and he has done SO much for them, xtra money each wk on top of his support he was paying and anything else the kids wanted it needed, he was even paying her rent in AZ on top if all the money he was sending her. He doesn\'t deserve this. Please, I need some advise... Court is on the 14th

I am so frustrated! I have been a step mother for 20 yrs and still am having troubles with his son and daughter ( especially her) their mother was tragically killed in a motorcycle wreck and Dad lost a leg in the same wreck, I did not know either then, we met a year later, The daughter is very domineering and controling. We have a bisness next to our house and she lives behind us with her boyfriend and 2 kids 10 yr old boy and 1 yr girl. I have helped raise the 10yr old. Last week the baby was sick with fever,vomiting diareah,and rash. I mentioned several times the baby needed to see a Dr. I was told basically to mind my own bis.Then I just received a message from our T Shirt maker that the new shirts were ready, I was confused because we just had some delivered/ when I asked my husband he said ya his daughter had ordered them and he forgot to tell me. then the 10 yr comes over and wants to play and I asked wherre his Mom was and she left taking the baby to the dr cause the fever came back at 104. Not a word was said to me about the baby or me watching the 10yr old,My husband and his daughter are on the phone all the time and im not let in on anything and when I do find out something its said I FORGOT TO TELL YOU. So9 I hyave been put on the spot looking dumb several times and when I try and talk to him about this he just laughs and continues to do this. I think he really thinks I jealous of her but she really acts more like his partner> Im have dealt with so much over the years that I have really started to give up and move on.

This is my first post on the internet: I understand exactly how you are all feeling. I don't have a solution. I do feel better knowing that I am not alone.

iant it weird suffering in silence the world hates the stepmother i know now it kills your soul

I have just been informed by my stepdaughters mother that they hate me and my husband. My huasband and his ex had court about a week ago and for some reason all of a sudden his girls do not want to be with us, call, text, and they say that they hate us. We have spent so much time with them and make sure to have good family meals, clean clothes, quiet time by themselves, do homework with them...everything that makes a family. Their mother in turn has overscheduled them on days that are my husbands and every other day in between. She has yelled and punished them and totally ignored them for close to two years now and still blames everything that happens in her life on someone else. The girls were in counseling for awhile but had stopped on the mother's insistence and pretty much have now stopped talking about anything completely. I am my wits end as this is now affecting my husbands relationship with me my daughter and everything else. He has told the girls that they are not allowed to come up to the house until things change...whatever that means. We are all such a mess. My daughter is missing her sisters and I feel like part of my family is missing. We feel so incomplete and don't know what road to take to try and fix this. I know we are fighting an uphill battle with the lies they are being fed down at their mothers house and am not going to stoop to that level. Any advice would be appreciated!

while reading your story above, I have tears in my eyes. I have 2 children of my own girl 4 boy 6 months step daughter 4. both girls are from before my fiance and I met. my daughter and my stepdaughter are complete polar opposites. only a month difference in age, but nothing alike. my daughter is sweet, but snotty. but in a way that she will listen she is in no way a crybaby. stepdaughter, well pretends to be sweet, but really is just digging for compliments, or trying to suck up for a treat. snotty in a way no 4 year old should be. But at the same time, since the mother has decided to remove the stepdaughter from our house, claiming we are considered her babysitters. and she doesn't need to be at work (drinking) worrying if her daughter is making someone mad. well I had started all this, hoping to ask the mother for some hints or other ideas on how to handle these situations was taken as complianing, instead of something a regular sitter would also do. but no such luck. I'm the monster. but odly enough, after almost two years, with her not here for th past 3 days now, it is lonely. My daughter misses her stepsister soo much. she is blaming me for being mean to the stepdaughter and making her leave. really I just want to be listnded to. I want to know I am seen as a human not a piece of garbage. she is only 4!!! I am having the same sort of issue here.

I am a step mum to a 13 year old boy, I've been with his dad for 7 years, we got together about ayear after he split up with the boys mum (i was not on the scene at all then). My relationship with my stepson has always been really challenging, in part because his dad handled it quite badly (god love him, I know it was hard for him but.................) and I realise I was actually resentful, yes, me - the adult! I have worked really hard it nonetheless, and have loved him often as much I've been driven mad by him. He is extremely clever and good at giving me looks and tones of voice and suchlike which his dad just misses out on witnessing, I now pull him on it if it is REALLY rude, often this ends very badly on that particular weekend when he stays with us. My five year old daughter who ADORES her step bro said to me today "you're a step mum arent you?" (she knows I am, this is not news within our family!) and she sort of taunted me with it, saying it over and over in a playground insults kind of voice, I sussed out her and her friends had been playing snow white adn cinderella - and my little girl was checking out the equation between the evil stepma and me, her real ma, who is a stepmum to her half-bro. She knows we fell out last time he stayed,although we retained civility she could hear that I'd told him off and she saw his insolent face and even copied it towards me later that evening. I found myself trying to explain to her today (after defensively demanding to know why she was asking me about it, I handled it really badly!) that in fairy stories step mums are always wicked but in real life lots of mummys are also step mummys and are not wicked. But you know it was awful, I felt so defensive, she KNEW she's got me on a sore spot - I feel like a crap step parent even though I do the right things alot of the time, and it hurts that she sees that, my girl. sometimes I just think I am not up to the job. Anyone know any good kids books about stepmummys?!!!

My husband and I married 3 1/2 years ago. My "stepson" returned after being stationed overseas for 3 years and informed me that I should pack my stuff and move out because the relationship between his dad and I will not last. However, my husband and I get along wonderfully...except for his heartless 23 year old son who pushes him around and constantly acts as if he's entitled (to whatever/ whenever). <br />
<br />
He stayed with us for a month, before being stationed was the longest month in my life. The boys went on a two week vacation together, and I couldn't even talk to my husband for more than 3 minutes before he started competing for his father's attention in the background. My husband would appologize and call later when his son was otherwise occupied. I didn't bother answering the phone after day four.<br />
<br />
When they got home my husband was forced to choose between spending time with me or with his son, because his son wanted nothing to do with me. The only purpose I had was to cook meals, do dishes, wash laundry, and pick up after him. He took over the tv, computers, internet, and dicatated what we would be doing and when.<br />
<br />
Finally, I had words with him and he ran off to his mother's for a couple of days, then went to his girlfriend's,...then came back to get his stuff. He "punished" his father for agreeing with me by refusing to call, give him a new address, anything. But, he confided his one-sided story to his grandmother (my husband's mother) who of course agrees with her darling grandson.<br />
<br />
I could half-way understand his immaturity and jealous antics if he was 9, but 23...with him moving out to attend college when he was 18 and then enlisting. He has his own life, why bother trying to destroy ours???

I too am a step mom and my two step kids hate me . My husbands stepson (who is married and has my husbands 3 grans; in which he wont let us seee b cuz of me) says he hates me because all i am is a mooch and a wanting woman in which he has never tried to get to know me at all . I have even sent food to them when they had no food for their children. So my spouse did step up and state to him that if i was not welcome to his home to see kids or not respected by him then he wasnt either. Well, the real THORN IN MY SIDE IS THE GIRL, she is a total *****. She hated her mom and brother til her dad and i married. My husband and i moved just so we cud hopefully have an extended family and large and happy but she is just a damn bum. Well she lives with us and she is 26 and he states to me when i talk to him about her attitude towards me that he wont throw his only real child out b cuz he promised her to put her through this college shes in for the second time. She doesnt work all she does is eat sleep **** bum money and etc. and school and despise me ; in which causes lots of stress in my home. I have 3 kids of my own and my 3 kids cant stand her. one lives with us and the other two somewhere else . I have strict rules in my home of not letting her damn big *** dogs in and it pissses her off and not letting her cats in all time . My husband and gotten on to her and gotten on to her about her issues that cause me to want to leave but he says he will fix it then it is ok for about 2 days and gone again i finally told him i have had enough of when she got home from school me having to go to my bedroom and not living in my home due to her is gonna stop or i am gone. I try to get him to make her go live with her mom since now they are such buddy buddy and all they talk about is wanting me out of the picture and this includes conversations with her brother too and wanting their mom to get his money that the living spouse gets when he passes. They want them to stay divorced but dont want me in his life . needless to say they were even in the wedding . And when their dad is alone he is a drunk and mixes med with it and dont care to stay clean or have a clean home but since he and i married he stopped drinking and he takes wat meds he is suppose to and stays healthy. I cook clean and the only things i dont do for her is her room and laundry , she is tooooo nasty for me to touch without rubber gloves on . she is a lazy nasty girl she dont clean up her garbage or dishes after she eats what i cook and the only way she ever has money is her dads mom sends her 250 amth and if she buys groceries she labels it as hers and wont allow any of us to touch it . she smokes and eats like a 500 pound man she weighs about 300 and buys lottos and scratch cards and uses our money . to do this and when it gets tight she blames me . i am the one that can buy groceries for about 300 and feed all of us for one month. she is a BUMMMMM. the reason her dad and mom divorced was her mom left for online men and her dad was a military man for 24 yrs. then we met and he retired to marry me. but her mom hates me but if i had not been kind and bit my tongue and sent her mother some dishes to eat off of she would have nothing. I bend over backwards for these damn people and get **** on. My son that lives here is tired of her **** as well. he wont even stay in the same room anymore with her . I dont know what to do or where to go for help to even make my spouse understand the stress im under with all their **** and now my son . it ****** me off to where if it dont get fixed in the next 3 days i told him i was gone.........

At least your husband understands them and you and realise they are no angels.<br />
Stop beating yourself up over them<br />
Stop giving them your last pennies<br />
Tell you husband that if this continues you cant stay with him<br />
What the hell does it have to do with his parents, tell him they can either take the girls over themselves or keep their noses out.<br />
Cut support, money etc from them, tell them to get out, get a job, get a room and experience the real world<br />
They are adults now, cut the ties <br />
Dont visit them, its not your job<br />
Show them complete indifference<br />
If they visit, be poilte but do something else<br />
Stop being so bloody perfect!

I notice this thread started in Jan of 2009 but it is unfortunately a timeless subject. I too have 2 stepdaughters that hate me, and I in turn have no real great feelings for either of them. My own mother doesn't understand how I can put up with them or how I can continue to sacrifice for them. But for my husband and the love I have for him, I do.<br />
<br />
The older girl lived with us for almost 4 years because her mother kicked her out. She would not even buy her daughter a bottle of water without getting reimbursed from her father and I. The younger girl wanted to live with us and we fought hard for her wishes. We have used every penny of money that we have to buy a nice house in a safe neighborhood for her. We decorated her room, bought her anything she wanted and she moved in but wanted to go back to her mother's to be closer to her friends within 2 months. Not mom, her friends. We have just taken her to college and spent the last of the money we have to outfit her dorm room. She has never even said thank you for anything, to me anyway. I keep praying too that someday they will wake up and say, wow look what all she did for us and how she sacrificed. But I am now not so hopeful.<br />
<br />
The two girls together are rude and nasty and the only way my husband wants to be around them is if I am with him, for support. I can't stand them and I hate being around them. How can I say no to him? How can I express to him that they deplete my being and I don't wish to have them in my home or around me?<br />
<br />
As contradictory as this sounds, I would do anything for those girls. When the older girl got kicked out of mom's twice, we paid to have her come across the country with her belongings to get away from her. And we paid both times to send her back to mom's so she could be close to her friends. Both times she stole from us so it will not happen again. But we never got a thank you for any of it and she treats me like garbage always looking for ways to jab at me and make fun of me.<br />
<br />
My husband lets it happen because they are only with us for a short time but he is embarrassed by it and doesn't know what to do. He says they do the same to him, no they don't. I understand his love for them and I respect that but I don't have to be treated like that and put up with it. I have seriously contemplated leaving him because of the way they treat me and the way his parents allow it to continue. Yes his mom and dad are part of the bigger problem too. They coddle the older one, because she acts like she is disabled mentally, and they let her get by with anything. The truth is she is a sociopath and knows how to get what she wants.<br />
<br />
Both girls are "grown" now so they should be on their own. At the older girls age I had my own business but she is still partying and living it up one minute to the next. The younger girl expects the world to be handed to her on a golden platter for free. Never worked a day in her life and certainly never did anything to make my life easier at home. What do I do when they want to visit or we are required to visit them? Do I excuse myself and remove myself from the home? Do I just shut up and bear it? Help?

My problem is that me and my fiancée we suppose to get married at December. So my fiancée has a child and the child she' s very spored. I cant take it anymore, worse i do not have a child. My fiancée love his child so much . He also want the child to live with us when we are married and do not think that it a good idea.As we do not get along as mother and daughter.

Your inspiring me to share my story. I have visited a group titled I hate my step children and it breaks my heart. I grew up with a step mom and it would kill me to think that she hate me. <br />
<br />
Now that I am raising my 17 year-old sister in law it breaks my heart that no matter what I do I am not even considered family. She is nice to me most of the time but I have read letters that express otherwise and sometimes she can be down right rude or cold. However I love with all my heart. I don't raise her like she is my own only because I don't really have a that opportunity, but I have never loved someone so much for so little return.<br />
<br />
I realized now that she does love me in her own way. It is conditional and it is more flighty but she acres for me the best she know how. I'm grateful for that and for all the tender moments we have shared. Jut because she does not like me all the time does not erase the bond that we do have. <br />
<br />
You are dealing with adults now, so there is not that much that can be done. Just hope for the best and stay grateful for what you do have. Sometimes siblings have a mob mentality, they have to agree with the pack. You might be surprised by how they really feel when their is no one else around.<br />
<br />
I think I was a little repetitive but i hope you can find the encouragement in it.

Myloves thank you for your comments. It is so true what you are saying. I am giving them power although they may not know it, or maybe they do. It's hard not to react when they are around and make me feel unimportant and my boys see that and hear some of the comments they make. But you are very wise on the subject and I know that I have to teach my boys that they are what is importmant most in my life. My counclor has defined me as a fixer and that is the one thing I have to learn is that I cant fix them. Thank you so much for your response, it has truley made me think about my actions and what I need to change.

I know how you feel - my step-daughter hates me also, and I've always been nothing but kind and supportive of her. Like in your case, my husband and her mother split long before he and I ever met. Her mother left him and the kids and moved in with some other guy, but she'd always told the girl that they'd be together . . . and Dad and little brother would go away. When I met him he had full custody of both of his children, and daughter was doing a really good job of covering her anger. She lived with us for almost 4 years - unfortunately I couldn't see how hateful she was being to my daughter, or how she was trying to sabotage our relationship. She now lives with her mother - something that's difficult to talk about still because of the way she left, how she's treated her Dad since, and what it's done to her little brother . . . who had already suffered one abandonment when his mother left, and now to lose his sister, too.<br />
<br />
I know her mother was speaking against her Dad, and against us. I know her mother conspired with her to try to keep us apart - not because she wanted any part of the family or the marriage, but because she didn't want any of them (her kids included) to be happy without her, even though she chose to walk away. In the end I had to stop blaming the ex, and start holding my step-daughter accountable. She knows right from wrong - and she had a choice to make . . . honour the people who had been there for her, the ones who were kind to her and supported her - or pursue the one who abandoned her, and who was irresponsible and vindictive. In the end, she chose the one she could more easily manipulate - the one who'd let her, at age 15, date a much older guy. <br />
<br />
You sound like a kind and compassionate woman - but you're giving them all the power. It's wonderful that you are able to truly love your husband's children - but that's not required of you. And if they won't accept that - it's their loss. Stop trying to get any of them (the mother included) to recognize what a wonderful person you are - it's wasted on them. Regardless of what their mother says about you or their Dad, they are adults in their own right now and they are the ones making the choices. Their "rejection" of you shouldn't define your worth - but you're allowing it to. Step outside the box for one minute and ask yourself - if they weren't your husband's children, would you want a relationship with any of them? If one of them was to walk into your world (your job place, your church, your gym, etc.) as a complete stranger (not related to your husband at all), would there be anything about any of them that would compel you to pursue a friendship or a relationship with them? If you're really honest with yourself, I'll bet you'd have to say, "No". People who can't recognize that you've made their Dad happy for almost 20 years and who can't, at least, respect you for that alone are not quality individuals.<br />
<br />
So, stop investing in them. Let them go - even if you won them over at some point, they have nothing to offer you. My counselor once told me something that was so simple, but that I found so completely profound because I had never even considered the concept: Learn to assess the people in your life - do they add value to your life, are they neutral, or are they dangerous to you? Someone who takes away from your peace, your confidence, your joy, your comfort, your quality of life is dangerous. When you focus on them, you miss out on the interaction with people who add value to your life. Seek out the people who add value - let go of the ones who add nothing.<br />
<br />
You mention your sons - how this affects them. But, Mom, they're learning from your example. YOU are teaching them that these people are important in their lives- and in doing so, you set them up to do what you've been doing . . . pursuing relationships that add nothing to your life. It sounds like you have a good marriage, and you have children of your own. Your kids need a mother who has lots of positive focus for them - not a mom who is wasting all her energy running after people who make her feel small and insignificant. Your own children think you are the most beautiful creature on earth - someday maybe his children will recognize that, too, but in the meantime, give your life and your energies to the people who love you and build you up . . . don't throw your pearls at the feet of swine.