I always felt unloved and unnoticed. My family was not affectionate at all. We didn't hug or kiss or even touch really and i rarely heard "I love you". I now know that my parents are wonderful people and that they love me but they really didn't show it. I needed it! I needed to be noticed, cared for, important, and most of all loveable. I craved love, i still do.
I never really wanted a lot of attention, i was uncomfortable when people paid too much attention to me. Probably because i just wasn't used to it. I wanted to be loved and i looked for love in all the wrong places, starting quite young. I allowed people to take advantage of me because i thought they loved me.
When i was 15 i quit careing about myself. I let my values and standards slide. I was tired of trying to be good when i felt everyone thought i was bad anywayl. I started drinking and partying. I started having sex with my boyfriend. He loved me and that felt good. The first time we had unprotected sex i became pregnant. My family would never understand so i didn't tell them. I was about 3 months along when i finally asked someone to tell my parents. I had tried several times but i just couldnt say the words. But the word was getting out and i didn't want my parents to find out that way.
My parents were very angry. They wanted to know why and asked question after question. They pretty much backed me into a corner and there was no escape for me but i had no good answer for them. Eventually they calmed down a bit. They suggested adoption but i was totally against that. I think adoption is a truely selfless and beautiful thing however i just knew at the time that this was my baby and it was meant for me. They tried not to push it on me but i knew they thought the best thing would be for me to place my baby for adoption. That didn't sway me however, there just was never any question in my mind that this was my baby and i was the best mother for him. I felt that no one thought i could do it and i knew that i could do it.
My boyfriend was a good person, he stood by me and his family was wonderful. I wanted to get married right away, I wanted the security of knowing he wasn't going anywhere and i wanted to get out of my parents house. On my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend proposed to me and i gladly accepted. My mom cried.
My parents were not going to make it that easy they would not consent to marriage unless i proved to them that among other things we were financially able to be married. I ignored this and planned to get married. We hadn't set a date but we were planning to marry before the baby was born.
then one day my boyfriend came to me and told me that he was not ready for this!!! i thought he meant he didn't want the baby but what he was really trying to say is that he wanted to wait to get married. I was absolutely devistated. I didn't have a plan i didn't want to be alone and i dind't have any control over anything in my life. I was terribly depressed but i didn't let it show. My boyfriend explaind that he wanted to keep the baby but he just wasn't ready to be married yet. so we were still engaged but had no idea when we would actually marry.
i was due in March, i went to school until January when i was 7 months pregnant. People had offered to let me come live with them out of state but i was not running away. I was pregnant that was a fact and i was going to be a mother so why try to hide. I didn't flaunt it or tell everyone about it. Just my close friends and if someone asked i was honest. I was amazed at how many people at school didn't know i was pregnant even at 7 months!
I remember my last day of high school. I went home at lunch time and laid on my bed and cried. I didn't know what else to do. I had enrolled in a highschool where i could do most of it at home and i could take my baby with me when i went to the school. As soon as i turned 16 i got a job and started putting money away. I didn't have a drivers license yet so i had to ride the bus to and from work. I hated riding the bus. I was completely responsible for everything i did. I just did it i found my school, my job, my bank account, things i needed for the baby. I never asked for help. I got myself into this position and i would take care of myself and my baby. My boyfriend helped buy things for the baby and by the time he came we had what we needed. I saved everything i earned at work except for what i needed to cover my expenses.
In March i gave birth to a baby boy. It was a scary delivery and the baby had to be recessitated. But once they finally got him screaming he never stopped. I remember the way my nurse treated and spoke to me like a child, i know i was only 16 but i wasn't a child anymore. I left the hospital for home after only 12 hours because i couldn't afford the hospital. I definately was not ready to go home, i couldn't even stand or walk without passing out or coming close but i chose to go anyway. I was still living with my parents who had decided to accept the whole situaion, they didn't have any other choice.
It was amazing to see the changes that took place in my family when that sweet baby came home. He really changed everyone. Everyone loved him and for the first time in my life i got to know my mom, really know her. She was always willing to help with the baby but she didn't pry or take over. I was his mother and i took care of him. There were definately times, such as sleep deprived nights when i just had to have some sleep, i was glad to have her there.
My boyfriend and his family were there through it all. We saw him every day. He was still in High School and working after school but we would be at his house when he got home from work so he could see the baby for a bit. I continued to finish high school and two weeks after the baby was born i returned to work part time. Boyfriend gave me 100$ every month and with that and what i earned i paid for the needs of the baby.
I loved being a mother, My baby was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He gave me something to live for someone to love and care about and he loved me unconditionally. He was not an easy baby, though he was very sweet he had terrible collic. He screamed for hours at a time and he had to be on special formula that was EXPENSIVE. I didn't care, i can honestly say that i never got frustrated with him crying all the time. I just felt bad because my baby was hurting. People tell me now that they don't know how i did it because no one else could. I occasionally would leave him with one of my sisters to babysit him and they could just barely handle it for that short while. I loved wakeing up to hiim every morning he made my life worth living. He saved my life really i don't know where i would have ended up if it were not for him. I loved watching him grow and take his first steps and say his first words. He has always been such a tremendous blessing in my life.
We went through so much together. There were definately hard times when i was scared to death but i never let it show, i had to prove to everyone that i could do this and i did. I couldn't fail, i owed it to my baby because i chose to keep him he was mine and i knew it. Everything i did was for him.
I cared for my Son and did my schooling in the morning then paid my sister to watch him in the afternoon for a few hours when i went to work. His dad would go to school then to work for a few hours then pick up our Son from my sister and take care of him until i got home from work around 11:00 pm. It worked out pretty well but it was a lot for a couple of sixteen year old parents. We managed fairly well.
I didn't have a social life anymore. The baby and his daddy were it. It was hard for Dad to give up his social life, he loved us but he still had a LOT of growing up to do. There were times he would spend a lot of time with us and others where he would avoid us somewhat to spend time with his friends. I remember watching for him to get home from work on the weekends so i could call him right away before he left with his friends. And sometimes he would leave as quickly as he could before i could get ahold of him. I can't complain however, most guys in this situation would not have stuck around for a baby at all.
We loved each other and we loved our baby and finally we set a date to get married. I graduated high school 11/2 years early and was able to find a full time job. We got married when our Son was 2 years old. Marriage was definately difficult at first but we made it. In fact we will celebrate our 12th anniversary next week!
It is amazing the way we sometimes receive exactly what we need when we need it most. What may not seem like a good thing at the time may be the best thing that could happen. I know that my God knows me and my needs better than I know myself.
I am so grateful for my Son, I love him sooooo much. Even at 14 he is an amazing child. I am so proud of him and grateful that he saved me when i need him so terribly. I gave everything for him but i received so much more in return.