Motherhood

I am a mother of four children. Most people look at me and can't believe it, but I assure you that it is true. I have to say it is both the most rewarding and most overwhelming job that anyone could have. I have been with my husband since I was fifteen years old. We had our first child when I was seventeen and he was eighteen. You would think that we would have everything figure out by now, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We still have the same stupid fights we had when we first started out. I would like to think that we have grown as people and as parents but sometimes I feel like I am right back in the same place. I get so frustrated sometimes. I have always wanted to be a mother. I have always wanted to have a big family. Now that I have it I am constantly overwhelmed by it. I am a stay at home mom so I spend all my time with my children, I love being with them. I love my kids more than anything in this world. At the moment I have 2 in school and 2 at home with me. I have famiily members who constantly comment on how calm and patient I am with my kids. They say they don't know how I do it. Eveytime they say this I rhink to myself "If they only knew". Everday I come so close to falling apart. I have always been a very passive aggressive person. Maybe it comes from having an overbearing mother or a nonexcistant father. I don't know. I guess I should with all of the therapy I have had through the years but I don't. I just don't like conflict, I try to avoid it. As a child I had a mother her worked herself sick all of the time. I hardly ever saw her and when I did I felt as if I was letting her down all of the time. She has never been one to bite her tongue when she has something to say. Even now I know when I talk to her I will hear atleast 5 things she thinks I could be doing better. I would love to yell " Mind your own buisness" but I don't. I just sit and take the crticism. I kow as mothers go I am not the best. Hell, I don't think I would rank in the top 80 percent. I try to be a good mom but I always feel like I am failing. There is always something that either my mom or husband thinks that I could be doing better. This leads be ti become very defensive and critical of myself.  Even now as I write this I know that when I am done I will have a huge mess to clean bec ause i have not been right next to my kids stopping them from making that mess. Sometimes I just want to run away but I could never do that. Even thinking about it makes me feel guilty. My husband seems to think that I should be able to do everything. He doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for me. Even moms need a break sometimes. When you have a new baby doctors tell you to make sure and take some time for yourself. All I think is "yeah right" When am I supposed to do that? My husband works long hours. When he comes home he expects me to take care of him not the other way around. We have to have a 3 hour fight to get him to even do the dishes for me. So when am I supposed to find time to take care of myself. The only time that I ever have alone is when I go to the doctor for my back. Soon I will have to have back surgery to fuse my discs. I am in constant pain because of it. I have no help with anything but I am expected to everything with a smile. I spend all my time taking care of not only my children but all of the children in my family. People think well I am at home and I have so many kids already so what is a few more. I stupidly agree to it everytime too. I have a big problem saying no because I hate letting people down. Instead I put everyone elses wants and needs ahead of mine and end up feeling stressed out. What else am I supposed to do?

purplehaze2202 purplehaze2202
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 10, 2010

are there any places around that can look after for them for not too much money, or can u get 2 looked after while the other two are in skool?

Thank you. Unfortunately no. My brother helps me when he can. He is the biggest help that I get, but that is usually when I have to run errands or go to the dr. It is hard getting anyone to agree to watch all four of them. Sometimes I can get someone to watch one or maybe two but not all of them.

i can relate to a lot of what your saying, im not a mum but i live with my boyfriend. can i just say though that i think you are a very caring intelligent hard working mother and woman. it does sound like you need to find some time fr yourself, isn't there someone who could look after the children just for a ehile a few times a month? even if it means you get a few bubble baths and a sit in front of the telly? i believe people care about you they just dont see what is mostly right in their faces, and your so kind you dont say anything. look after yourself though. ypur an inspiration x