Time Heals

In a few months it will be seven years since my dad commited suicide. You know that saying "Time heals all wounds"? I think it is a load of crap. Some wounds just don't heal. This is one of those wounds. People don't understand how hard it is to lose someone you love like that, They can't understand unless they have been through it themselves. When someone you love takes their own life, you are left with so many questions. Why did they do it? Could I have done something to stop it? I just don't understand.I have had some dark moments in my life. Once, I even took a bottle of Atavan. Luckily, I was found in time and was saved. The only thing I remember from that day was my mom apologizing to the ems guys about my house being a mess. Even in the midst of my ordeal, she still found the time to criticize me. To this day I still haven't asked her why she did that. After my dad died, my mom said that she would give me a week to fall apart. Then I would have to pull myself together. I had two children at the time. I had to switch into "mommy mode" as she calls it. I guess what hurts me most about my dad's death isn't that he left me. It is that he left my brother. My brother worshiped him. He wanted to believe all of his promises. He wanted to believe in him. My brother is too young to remember having him around as a child. As an adult he wanted to have a relationship with him. Then we finally had it. We had our father back. For six months, we had him and then it was over. He was gone and a part of my brother was gone too. That part that had faith in people was gone, He is cynical and finda it harder to trust. It makes me so mad that he was and is still in so much pain. If I could ask my dad one thing it would be why he left my brother. How could he leave him to wonder why? How could he leave me to wonder why? I think back to my darkest moment. I had only my oldest son then. I would have left him alone in this world without a mother. At the time I thought he would be better off without me. It was stupid and the most selfish thing I have ever done. I wonder if that is what my dad was thinking. If it was then he couldn't be more wrong. Even with all of his problems, there is no way we are better off wothout him. I have been there. I felt that emptiness and saddness. I felt like nothing I do is right, I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't see that I was bringing pain to the people around me. I don't want to ever put my children through the pain that my brother and I have gone through,

purplehaze2202 purplehaze2202
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 11, 2010

I`m so sorry but I think that your father was sick, he had some deep wounds that took control.<br />
I hope he rests in peace.<br />
<br />
Peace to you and your brother!

i am sorry to hear of your pain. unfortunately, we will never know what someone else is thinking, has thought or will think. the only thinking we know is our own. i am happy to hear you have a strong conviction to take care of your children. remain strong, you are already :)