Not a Monster

Hello,  i am going to write about the TRUE experience of a mil. I am a mother of 4 adult children,3 sons 1 daughter. 3 dil one ex. My story involves several issues so please bear with me.  My oldest son went into the navy Sept of 1981, that was very hard for me then Oct 15 it was a THURSDAY my sister Leda called we were going to an exercise class that pm and we were excited and told each other we loved each other. My husband woked shift work took my other2 sons for a check up , when we got home my husband went to bed. MY oldest nephew called and said aunt D you need to come here now i ask my husband to take me over his remark that crazy mexican probably has a gun. Anyway my daughter and her boyfriend took me over, as we turned the corner i saw cop cars and the coroners car it was bad my sister was DEAD, the bastard shot her and himself on my youngest nephews birthday he was 15. Any way i called to let my son know about his aunt and because she was not immediate family he could not come home so i did not tell him. My husband and i went  to his graduation, i talked to his co and he broke the bad news i could not . It was a bittersweet time for me i was happy for my son and sad about the loss of my sweet little sis who was only 34 years old when she died at the hands of a very sick sucker. When our son was coming home for Christmas i was so excited ,any way he called to say he was going to get married on his Christmas leave.So they planned the wedding very quickly at a time when i should have been happy i was not, and it WAS NOT because i did not like his wife to be on the contrary our family thought a lot of her. i was an emotional wreck had no money, due to my husband loss of work because of the murder of my sis, he stayed home with me for emotional support. We gave our son a ten dollar bill for a wedding gift i was devastaded. To make a long story short we left the area soon after to be close to my mom and older sis. Our first grand son was born in feb of 83. our son was stationed in Jacksonville florida. Our dil was not very understanding about everything i do not know this for sure  but i think she felt we did not want our son to marry her, it was just really bad timing, not our fault!!!! I crocheted a blanket for my first grandson and mailed it to them , we were happy to be grand parents, anyway due to circumstances beyond our control,our son ALLOWED HIS WIFE to keep us from seeing our grand son and later they had a girl anyway we moved back to the area when our granddaughter was born our son called to tell us i wanted to see her in the hospital but was told we could not by his wife , when she was 8 months old and her brother was 3 i filed for grandparents rights on my own requesting visitation and to have mentoring, all in vain our dil had a lawyer and we were denied. i remember it so well like it was yesterday the judge said m versus m it was like someone took my heart and ripped and tore it out of me. I lost a part of myself  that day our son sat there in that court room with his head between his legs so ashamed. Those 2 are now young adults 24 and soon to be 21, our relationship is very strained. They were not given an opportunity to know the family until later on it is hard, my son is now 45 he and his wife are trying hard. They are very generos with expensive gifts but i would trade all of  that if i could for the lost years with my son and my grandchildren.we have been blessed with 5 other grandchildren and in sept 07 our second great grandchild
mother mother
61-65, F
3 Responses Jun 28, 2007

Children don't know what it feels like to be a parent until they are one, they don't know what it feels like to be a mil until they are one. Too bad your dil wasn't taught kindness and understanding of others when she was a child, but hopefully life's experiences are teaching her these things now.<br />
It sounds like you went through an extremely rough time... I can only imagine. But hopefully it is in the past, although all of it might haunt you from time to time, and although you may want to ask why... why she couldn't understand? why did they block you out? why did he allow her to? why did someone have to die so needlessly? "don't"... as hard as it may be, just let it go, and be thankful that your son and dil have grown past this, and that you are a part of their life now, and a part of the grand-children's life, and that you have future generations to look forward to... try not to count your losses, and to just count your blessings... you didn't say what or how they came around, but Thank God they did.... go forward and build on this... don't look back!

Thank you, you are so right.The pain of losing a very important FAMILY relationship with very important family members is almost unbearable. Our entire family structure had been effected by my sons choice to allow that to happen. you know it was so easy to put the blame on my dil.But the stark reality was our son did not have enough assertiveness to do the right thing, we lost 18 years of our sons life and you cannot put a price tag on that.My hubby and i have grieved that loss over and over in our minds and i used to wonder why but no more. what is important now is we do have a relationshio with our son and family now. It is very difficult now with our 2 grand children ages 24 and 20 we were not given an opportunity to get to know them and they were not given an opportunity to know us.I am learning it was not our fault, and to go on and enjoy our 5 other grand babies and soon our second great, we are so blessed. THANK YOU AGAIN for your comment. One other thing i do not regret trying to see my grand babys through the courts at least they know we tried to see them. They have been told a big lie that we tried to take them away from their parents. another painful LIE.

If I were in your situation, I would attempt to try to make a "truce" with my dil. "Long enough so I can just talk to you both" I would explain that I had always cared for her and couldn't have wanted anybody different for my son. Explain fully the emotional and financial grieving that I had been enduring when they married, lay out everything in front of the both of them. Apologize for taking her to court and just explain "All I want and ever did want is to love my dil as well as my son and have you and my grandchildren to be in our lives."<br />
Then the ball will definitely be in her and your son's court and she can make her decision. If they can't understand and decide to keep things as they are, at least you'll know you tried. It is also their loss as well as yours.<br />
Although I understand, I myself would not have gone as far as taking her to court for grandparent rights. There was apparently enough resentment for whatever reasons, and I'm sure that just caused a whole lot more for everybody involved.<br />
I do hope that things will have a better outcome for you. Good Luck, Mother.