Need Help...she Is Not Even An Official Dil Yet

For the past 15 months our son has lived with his girlfriend. They got engaged in December and since then she has turned into a rude and demanding/controlling person. She moved here from up north with 1/2 trailer full of nothing and a family who seems they cannot stand her. We all have welcomed her into our family.Our entire family is very close and she is trying to pull our son away from us. We have been very respectful of their relationship and do not nose in until asked. Our son has always shared his life the good and bad with us sometimes not for advice but just a safe place to vent. He buys her everything and this weekend a new home that he purchased for them renting the home he has owned for the past several years. he asked us to help them move in and she said no. It put him into high stress mode not having the help and her rude controlling behavior. We did not cause any commotion about it but I was tested rudely by her about it for no apparent reason at all. Our son has said she has really changed since the engagement. Commenting that many of his close friends have said she is bitchy and rude to our son and them and what is up with her. Our son cannot stand her family and they are not paying for any of the wedding, dress son is paying for it all and he is very resentful to them since they can more than afford to do so. Their relationship with her has been almost non existent so she has no real family modeling and I believe this among lots of other things about her are going to cause major problems in dealing with our entire family and how we interact, love and support one another. Our son has been so stressed out with her demands, wedding, finishing school, his demanding job , buying another home be ause of her that he says he does not even want to get married. We are trying to encourage him but I see so many red flags going off that is it scary to think he will have to endurenhernwrathnfornthe rest of his life. Even his grandparents have talked to him about negative comments he has made about her and this marriage. We see if all but have only tried to give him advice built around truth in love. We have never told him not to marry her but have said forever is a very long time and he needs to make sure of his decision. We were never in favor of him living with her to begin with...we do not care if the entire world is doing it...not the best way to begin. He has to buck up and stop letting her rule him at every turn or his life will be ruined by her. In the end we know this is his decision...marry her get her family and her controlling ways and looks like much less sod his family if she has anything to do with it. I need some help as a MIL to be because I have bitten a holeninmy lip this weekend and at this point am beginning to harbor a huge dislike towards her. She has turned into a controlling premadonna bridezilla. For someone who had son has given her so much and she is killing him while we stand by gritting our teeth and smiling not to add additional stress to what seems to be a train wreck coming...I would appreciate any advice you could give me. I am trying my best to keep quiet when I feel like hiring someone to give her a good slap back into reality!
4 Responses May 6, 2012

Ok, this is an old one. I'm curious, did they ever get married? Any kids? Are they divorced yet? If I had it to do over I wouldn't have been so PC with my son. You need to speak up BEFORE they are married! BEFORE they have children because she WILL use their kids, your grandchildren as pawns. After they're married, you'll need to bite your tongue because, it's a whole different story then and they are "one". You know your son best but remember, he is no longer "your son", but is "her husband" after they marry. So talk to him while you can. They listen. My son probably would've but of course, I encouraged him to marry her if he loves her. I didn't know her but my daughters did and knew of her cunning, manipulative ways. Maybe mom's in this situation might want to think about pointing their son to this website. They can read the nightmares themselves and see the stress that their future bride will bring to him and the family. Families are important and if you marry someone who doesn't respect those relationships and wants to control everything about your household, he will be miserable. My son is the best father ever and now even if he wanted to leave, he'd feel trapped into the marriage with this selfish woman. Maybe I'm being naive, but if he has doubts before they get married maybe we could just get our sons to step away from the girl for a while with no contact for a set amt of weeks so that he can get a grip on how he really feels. Separate the infatuation and chemistry from what you brain and God is telling you. They need to ask themselves, 'what is it that I love about this woman" and "can I live with her controlling issues especially with my family?" Love means giving and loving and in marriage, caring more for your partners well being than you do for your own. If both partners feel that way then each will bring their best into the marriage!

I also have a similar problem with my future dil and can sympathise with you for sure. I am a fairly quiet, loving, down to earth lady who is very happily married and my husband is also very caring. We have always made sure that we don't interfere in our sons relationship but we feel that he has made some bad decisions ( probably blinded by love). Our dil to be has moved down south to live near us and while we met her a few times before both in her hometown and in ours we have since discovered that she is a very manipulative and jealous girl. I have a bigger problem than you have as she is now having a baby so this brings the situation into another level.
Our dil to be did try to stop our son from visiting us for a while but he insists he will always be our son and we will not be cut from his life. The house they live in isn't looked after very well, she is lazy and the laundry ect piles up. She sits and reads magazines whilst he does all the work. I can see that he is always exhausted and i can only imagine when the baby arrives the situation will get worse. The mistake we made was to mention the state of the house to her (we own this house) and since then she has not been the same to us. This is the only time we have "interfered" and was maybe a big mistake but coming from a very clean family I was so sorry for my son as she just wasn't caring. We still see them now and again but its like walking on egg shells with her as she is always very defensive with me.I do my best to make her welcome in my home. Does anyone have any advice on how I can get closer to her before the baby arrives so that we can once again be a happy family. She seems to be on my mind all the time and my health is starting to suffer because of this situation.I want to be a good granny and to be in their lives without upsetting them.

Well, unfortunately none of us can get our kids' mates to grow up any faster than they are going to, your dil sounds young, maturity wise. But it may help to apologize to her for commenting about the house being clean and explain to her you have a very clean family and believe it is healthy to keep a place clean and say you hope she can understand that. If she is a monster like my dil to be is, then she will use any apology you give and make you always be the only one to ever apologize even as SHE does unthinkabe rude things to you. Seems you migh t try talking with her, practically common sensically, to say when the baby comes, have you thought about how it will be? And talk about the duties you know will need doing, and maybe help her prepare mentally, and to realize your son is tired, right now. I don't think it is interfering to be helpful, without being bossy or anything, just trying to be a friend to her. Because a lot of these young women, are real immature and can use the help of someone's helping to think of what will be, but....if they are like my dil to be, will resent any advice or help as they know best. It is a balancing act, but you can at least test waters, by apologizing first somewhat, and then opening up the conversation about all that needs doing when the baby comes, in a helpful manner. If she doesn't want advice, do not give it. Just say OK, and respect that she has to figure it out her way. Doesn't sound to me, like this union will really last. My own situation, is with a really doesn't-care-who-she-hurts kind of dil, she is, I think, like a sociopath, doesn't seem yours is as bad as a sociopath, at least!

Oh dear! I just recently joined the group so I don't know if your son has gotten married yet. I had a similar situation with one of my DIL's. Our youngest son is very passive, and this girl totally glommed onto him. She is rude, disrespectful and controlling, so I feel your pain. I tried being kind and loving to her because she was not from a loving and supportive family like my son is, so I thought she just needed to get past her insecurity. I allowed her to get away with rudeness I never have allowed anyone else to get away with, all in the name of "keeping the peace" and trying not to put my son in the middle.

Once they became engaged, she turned into a true Bridezilla. I expressed several times to my son prior to the wedding that she seemed to have emotional problems, did not appear to be mature enough for marriage, etc. He listened quietly but she calls all the shots, and I am sure he didn't want to hear her caterwauling if her precious wedding was postponed. Her parents only paid for 1/2 the wedding, we paid for the other 1/2 and did ALL the work. Still, no gratitude. They have been married for 4 years, and instead of getting better, things have gotten steadily worse. Not only is she disrespectful to me, she is disrespectful and rude to our other DIL (who is very sweet and who she is jealous of because that DIL has a great relationship with everyone in the family), she verbally abuses our son, puts him down and orders him around like he's 3 years old (in front of us!).

She became even worse when she had our grandson, she lords him over us and is the most controlling mother I have ever seen. Her son is our 5th grandchild, but I am constantly criticized by her how I handle him and interact with him. I always try to be respectful of the parents and do things THEIR way, but it is never good enough. There is now a rift in our once close family because she was badmouthing me to people, including my own daughter, and I set boundaries for and told her she was disrespectful to me and that it needed to stop. She is NEVER wrong and NEVER apologizes for her behavior, so now she has escalated this to a full out war with me (with HER being the injured party!) My oldest son (who lives next door to them) heard her one day in their common front yard loudly putting me down and speaking in a caustic manner to his wife, and he had enough and stomped over to her and said, ''You are the rudest, most disrespectful person I have EVER met!" Now she doesn't want my youngest son around his brother anymore, which is so sad because they have always been close.

I don't know what the answer is, should we have made a bigger deal about him NOT marrying her? Did I let her get away with too much in the beginning, all in the name of keeping the peace and not alienating our son? I did all that, and now 4 years after the wedding, my family is torn apart in a way I could never have imagined, since we have always been very close. My youngest son is torn up but is afraid to set off her rages (the other night, our daughter was present when she lit into our son and called him all sorts of unprintable names because he doesn't want to completely cut off his oldest brother!) It's a hot mess. It doesn't get better when you see the signs prior to the wedding, sadly, it gets worse. I hope by this time, your son has run far and fast the other way! It's too late for us, but I dearly hope your son doesn't go ahead with it. And if he does, I hope they don't have kids together, that just makes it more complicated. Best of luck, I am so sorry your family is going through this! But in my experience, ignoring rude and unacceptable behavior from anyone doesn't work. Anyone coming into your family should abide by the standards of respect in your family or be shown the disapproval they deserve. Will that be unpleasant? Yes. But ignoring it just postpones the unpleasantness. Our son will have to make his own decisions on how he wants to handle his life, and sadly, if he chooses to stay with this abusive and sick woman there is little we can do about it except show him our love and support. Hopefully, in time, he will free himself. If not, we will still be here to love him.

Agree, she is an abusive person, I doubt you will ever help her realize it. And hopefully your son will be able to get out of the marriage - women like this, play children as pawns, with men so men don't dare to leave. they do like to break up the family. Be good if you and your sons and family could just have dinner together anyway without her, and just show her your family is going to exist. I'm sure it would make her mad, but hey -- your family has a right to exist, and your son has a right to see his own brother, and I think I would be saying that to her, but of course, it would set off a confrontation....ugh what a situation you all are in. IBut you can't let the dil control all of you, at all. That's just not right to let her have that power.

I feel very bad for your situation. My suggestion is to give your son all the loving support he needs, and if he expresses his feelings to you, listen and tell him that you will support whatever decision he makes. Try to understand this woman. You do not have to like her, but try to understand her. She definately has issues from her past. Set boundaries with her if she is being rude to you and your family, by giving her space. Perhaps your son will see the light, and will take positive action sooner than later. All the Best.<br />