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Disrespectful Daughter, Need Feedback

I'm at my wits end, but calm.  I need some input from those similiarly abused by their kids.  I have a disrespectful 20 y/o daughter in college that does not appreciate me, acts selfish, superior and rude toward me, especially when she gets angry. She is currently not working (summer break) but will do little or nothing around the house unless asked specifically that is begrudgingly done and no more.  I've emphasized that if she is not working she needs to contribute by doing housework, she said fine as long as she's not some sort of slave, she must be joking, I'm the one that feels like the slave, still she does nothing unless asked to and even when asked it's a toss up as to whether it will get done.  I'm still waiting for her to clean the bathroom that she messed up and I've been waiting for 3 weeks, I could go on and on. 

She never asks me how I'm doing, she will call me or come in my bedroom immediately talking about herself, I've said something to her a few times about this and how it makes me feel which resulted in her asking me, in a forced tone, how I'm doing a couple of times, and then moving quickly to herself.  That lasted about a week, now it's back to just talking about herself again.  However, as long as I am listening to her life, for hours on end, tell me story after story regarding her, her boyfriend, her roommates, and her friends and of course doling out money left and right (rent, food, cellphone, gas, utilities, insurance, entertainment, shopping, etc.) we are the best of friends, but when she is wrong and I let her know it, she will raise her voice, talk over me as I'm making my point, make accusations, pretty much flip me off in her words and deeds like I'm some sort of crazy idiot, etc., etc.  It's gotten me to the point where this BS escalates me and then all bets are off and it turns out to be a very disfunctional loud confrontation, that at times has gotten to the brink of being physical.  There are times when it's all I can do to restrain myself from just slapping the crap out of her and beating her silly.  Trust me, she would deserve it, because now she has this attitude that because she's technically an adult there is nothing we can do to her anymore, in her words, 'she's grown'.  Well 'grown' to me means you have your 'own', and you still don't get away with disrespecting your parents. 

I do love her very much, but it's become so painfully clear that I've done too much and made too many excuses for her all her life, and she is spoiled and selfish and acts like she dislikes me.  Maybe it's my fault, maybe not, I really don't care anymore about whatever may be her problem.  I've cried, talked, sacrificed and beat myself up many times as to what the problem is since she was 15 years old and she started behaving this way little by little with simmering disrespect with an undercurrent of dislike directed towards me.  I, of course, would address her then with it and then sooth myself by excusing it all as just teenage stuff and she would grow out of it, no such luck!! 

But now I've made up my mind that I cannot and will not tolerate it anymore!!  I have a 14 y/o son that's watching all this go on with her and dammit I deserve better.  I'm tired of being treated like a convenience for money, room and board, and disregarded and disrespected otherwise.  We had a really bad fight last night over her disrespect again which escalated to the point that I pushed her away from me.  She was in my face and pointing her finger down at me (she was standing over me, she 6ft and I'm 5'5), which of course didn't help matters, thereupon I let her know that the day that I tolerate your disrespect anymore is the day they would be burying me six feet under feet first.  Also that she acts like she is just as much woman as me to stand in my house and saying blah, blah, blah to me, to which she responded that she is just as much woman as me and packed her clothes and left in a huff back to her apartment 1.5 hours away. 
 

I have struggled with what to do about all of this today, but have decided inspite of all her big talk, she is not financially independant and her small student loans and part-time jobs don't cut it to sustain her when school is back in session so she will still need assistance, therefore I will see that she has the basics: food, shelter, and utilities to get through school, the rest is on her and until she can respect her parents she is not welcome in our home.
 

I need some feedback, is this the right course?  Thanks.

takencare takencare 41-45 93 Responses Jun 18, 2008

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Yes your perfectly correct.
I have the same problem with my daughter, she treats me disgustingly, but if I try to say about her attitude she simply tells me to **** off,
She has being spoilt and if she doesn't have her own way she is nasty and spiteful, I have being told 4 times today in the space of 3 hours to F off because I have disagreed with her, she talks to everyone that doesn't fall in with her plans like a piece of dirt,
I have ill health yet she expects me to just get on with it while doing the things she should be doing.

She has her own business which she seems in last 2-3 months to leave it to myself or her dad to do when she isn't here then when she does turn up she just sits around and gets nasty if asked to do anything,
We have put a lot of money into her business to try help her as we thought it would change her attitude but it did for awhile but her attitude has changed back to how she's being for past 6-7 years, but we are in a dilemma now as to do we withdraw our help now and give up any slim chance of getting any of our money back or do we walk away with some with a little bit of the dignity we have left?

We have had problems with her taking cannabis for a few years now and had thought she had stopped but we think she's back doing it again due to her nastiness,
I don't know if my message is helpful but I think your doing the right thing in giving her minimum but just enough for her to live on, hopefully this will work for you to get your relationship back on track, but it won't be easy as youngsters today just don't seem to have the will or the want to get on with life like we did at their age, but I really do wish you luck..

Your definitely not alone. I've been a single mother without my parents help & did what I could to protect & provide for my 2 kids (now daughter's age 22 & son's age 17). It was all about her & if she didn't get her way, she would report me to child services or make up ugly stories about me to others. I was her mom & best friend till high school. After that, that's when she started with twisting words, making up ugly stories about me, lying & sneaking around. We tried counseling & I was told that I shouldn't be a best friend because she will not respect me as a mom. That I have to be mom & as friends, she will have plenty so I shouldn't place myself there.

Now, she has 2 children which I am caring for one. She treats me as this is what I have to do & doesn't appreciate not acknowledge the fact that I'm tired & earned some me time. My some holds resentment toward her for how she has treated me & affected our lives. My son loves his nephew who lives with us till she decided she wants him back. It's is an emotional rollercoaster. She used my grandchildren as tools to intimidate & manipulate me.

As a mom, we will always love our children but also need to realize that our children reach an age that they are not children. Many of us have struggled alone & grown strong. By being there for them & allowing them to abuse is, we are teaching them to be heartless & handicapping them from growth. There is a time (for them & our own sanity/respect) that we need to step back & let them feel what life without us is about. Once they fall or feel the stress, maybe then they might hold a drop of appreciation for us moms. Maybe they never will & roam around acting like self made victims. Whichever the case is, if we allow them to such our life, what strength & life will we have for our grandchildren in case they need us in their young years. Also we should accept the fact that after we did the best we could as patents, put ourselves on the back burner & busted our behind to provide, protect, love & just made them our life, ... now we deserve some me time.

We will already love them but we need to love ourselves too & allow them to take their own steps. After all, we are not always going to be around.

It won't be easy loosening or in some cases, cutting the ties to our adult children but raising children wasn't easy either but we did & still are.

Hope this makes some sense. If any typos, sorry. Working off my cell & as we all know; it acts up at times too.

Strength, wisdom & tough love

I am a 23 year daughter of a single mother. I have read through several of the posts and thought, WoW, I am reading about myself over and over again.I disrespect my mother daily. It is abuse, I see that now. I call her names and sometimes the yelling match turns into a physical altercation. I know she just wants to strangle me some times for how I treat her. I do not blame her one bit. She never disrespected her parents, even today at age 45, still does not. I love my Mom, I just do not know why I act like a self righteous b****. She raised me single-handedly, instilling in me all good qualities. I treat the world with greater respect than I do the woman who gave birth to me and taught me what respect means. I am spoiled, never lacked anything. Yes, we have live in the same low-income home for 18 years and have the same furniture, but I have never lacked anything. I have it all. And I do nothing. Ok, so I work, but the money I earn is for me to buy some groceries (once in a while) and for my own personal use. I do not pay rent, I do not even pay for my own gas or car insurance (my step-father does, but he is no longer with my mother). I am just a spoiled brat. Even though my mother is currently not working, she worked for a majority of her life and is using her own savings to pay the rent. She has done everything in her power to give me a better life than she has had and has made sure I do not lack in anything. And yet I treat like she is scum under my feet.I feel horrible and know that I have to change. The question is where do I begin??? I sometimes apologize after blowing up at her, but the apology is insincere because I continue the same behavior almost instantly. I have a serious problem and I hope that other daughters who are terrors to their mothers can step forward, be vulnerable, and expose their disgusting behavior. This is not easy, but I need the help!

OMG...I feel better knowing I'm not alone. I won't get into details, but it's sad we spend our lives providing for our kids and then they treat us like WE owe them! I don't know about you all, but I'm the bread winner and raised the kids. We did without a lot of things providing for the kids and my daughter treats me like poop! Sad....
Her college tuition was paid for...no debt except we she created dating different guys! Much generosity went her way...The ODD syndrome sounds like it fits her. Defiant at every turn! I'm going to spend my money on myself from know on! My Mom was my best friend. I never talked to her the way my daughter talks to me...never!

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My daughter is14 and no matter what I try to discipline her for bad actions.she laughs about it.recently I learned she had relations with a boy.something I definitely taught her was wrong.she thinks what she did was.Ok.I'm done with her attitude.I'm sending her to DJJ for leaving house late at nite. HELP!

Damn straight. Put your foot down Mama and stay strong behind it. It, unfortunately, is the only way your daughter is going to understand that you will not tolerate her awful disrespectful behavior to you or in YOUR home. I had the same problem. It is hard....but as a counselor once told me, "If she claims to be an adult....then fine...let her be an adult. Remind her of that when she comes to you wanting something next time.

My 22 yr old daughter is attending college and working part time but has alot of credit card debt. She took a vacation to FL this week as she said she deserves it. Got a call from VISA and I think she's been charging on our credit cards.

Are things any better?

somewhat

I cried again as I read these posts. I have the same situation with my 23 year old daughter. Yesterday was her college graduation and it was the worst day of my life! I have cried all evening and all day. And, yesterday was Mothers Day, which made me feel even worse. <br />
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She is rude and very disrespectful toward me and only me. She is pleasant, polite to all others. I am not the mother of the year and I have not done anything for my daughter that any of you have not done. I am a single parent and raised her alone for 20 years. I have worked two jobs for 17 years to adequately support her. She has done without nothing. I always thought if her father and I were still together, she would have fancy clothes, a cell phone, trips to Disney, etc. Although my daughter does work and has had a job since she was 15, she still expects me to provide anything and everything for her. Thank you's are few and very far between. I have scrimped and saved for many years, basically having no life of my own. I love my daughter very much and she is all I have. The disrespect has been going on for 10 years. It kind of comes and goes. The last two or three years, the rudeness has been unbearable! She bought a condo and moved from my home about two years ago and honestly, I was relieved. She has a great job and actually makes more money than me! I have been extremely proud of her. Everyone just loves her and tells me how wonderful she is. Everyone does not hear how she speaks to me. I get yelled at constantly, belittled, made fun of, humilited and embarassed in public, degraded and the list of profanity is too much to type. Her father was MIA for over 10 years and now that she is grown, he is back in the picture. He is on a pedastal. But, I say nothing. I am glad she can finally have a relationship with her father and actually, he father tells her she should not be so rude to me all the time. I have to walk on egg shells when I am around her, afraid to speak most of the time.<br />
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Anyway, yesterday was her college graduation. This was a huge day for me as well. I have no college education. People like me don't raise kids that are college graduates and homeowners at age 20. I can't explain how proud I was and all the other emotions. Unfortunately, this all ended quickly. <br />
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An argument started because I did not make reservations for her to eat at the most expensive restaurant in town the night before graduation. She went there and was told they were full for the evening. My god, you would think I hacked off someone's arm. The yelling and snide attitude immediately started. This turned into me being humiliated inside another restaurant and walking out (running actually) crying. Then came the nasty texts telling me she was "sick of my attitude", etc. This ended in me not being welcome at graduation because "I was not going to ruin her day". I cried all evening and most of the night. I have worked very hard to put her through college. I know what you all are going to respond. She makes more then me so she can pay for her own college. I have saved since she was born to pay for this and I felt that was my job as her parent to pay and give her this opportunity that I did not have. So I did. I am a bartender part-time and I have saved many years of tips. <br />
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I go to graduation anyway. I sit by myself. I did get a text from her telling me I better be there or she would never forgive me. Looking back, I should have stayed home! I found my sister in law and mother after the ceremony. I spoke briefly with them. My daughter comes out of the arena with a few of her friends and proceeds to take pictures with everyone but me! I prayed for the earth to open up and swallow me at that point. I have never, ever been so hurt or upset in my life and I am 47 years old. Why would she do something so hurtful to me? And she smirked about it. I have previously made reservations for 14 of us to eat dinner after the ceremony. My sister in law asked if I was going and my daughter quickly chimmed in "no". I left quickly, not wanting to make a jackass of my self by going bezerk and grabbing her by the neck and shaking the crap out of her. I cried all the way to the car. I ate dinner on Mothers Day and my only child's college graduation day at a fast food restaurant by myself. Her father did text my and tell me he was sorry about all this - whooptie doo!<br />
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I met her in person today and told her she would never understand how much she had hurt me. This could not be fixed. I don't even have a picture of her on her college graduation day. I was done with the disrespect and I would not be dealing with it anymore. I told her I was very proud of her and I loved her. I did not expect a gold crown or throne but I do expect respect. I told her when she could treat me with respect, give me a call. I started to walk away and she had the nerved to tell me all this was my fault and I looked like an *** and made a fool of myself. <br />
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I handed her the gift I had bought a few months earlier. I bought an absolutely beautiful necklace and I bought her the "places you will go" book. I wrote a nice note to her inside the book cover. I wrote the note about two weeks ago because the note I would have written after the pain I felt after the ceremony would have been certainly different! I then walked away and left. This was around noon today and I have not heard from her. What do you all think? I have no idea what I have done to make her treat me this way. I am not perfect but I did the best I could. Three of her friends that witnessed this fiasco yesterday texted me and told me Happy Mother's Day and they apologized for her actions. Nothing from my daughter. I am so upset and so hurt. Do you all think we will ever get past this. Honestly, I am not sure I can ever forget about this. Your college graduation only happens once and it was a big day for me as well. She left college with zero college loans! And I left with my head down, crying hysterically, humiliated, and embarassed!

I am so sorry your daughter treated you this way. I don't understand my daughter either--she decided to skip her 18th birthday we arranged for her and often treats me horribly. If I have learned one thing over the years of going thru this....you have to quit beating yourself up and asking what you did wrong. As mothers, we do the best we can or know how to and one day......your daughter will perhaps be a mother and finally understand the pain she inflicted on you. Quit letting her belittle you. Quit letting her control your emotions. Right now...she is a selfish little snot! She will regret her decisions and actions one day.....just live your life. Find things that make you happy, surround yourself with good, trustworthy friends and quit letting your life revolve around your daughters or she will always control your life.

Thanks for the kind words. Hopefully, you will sort out your unfortunate situation too. I don't understand! My friend is having some issues with her 23 year old son. She said our kids were perfect teenagers. They just are going thru the teenage years being disrespectful later than normal. I hope we all make it thru!

I am sorry for what your daughter has done to hurt you. It will take time to let go. I have to go shopping a lot for myself and even went to therapist. May I give you a suggestion? Maintain your dignity and treat yourself special things, all the money that we spent on them was big mistakes. Buy things for yourself from now on. My newest improvement is that I have made up my mind not killing myself driving to/from > 13 hours to be at my daughter's graduation so she can laugh at me with her friends. She feels victory when she could have me wrapping around her figure. I used to cry in my car waiting for her to come out and talk to me when I was at her school campus. I recognized that I was abused by my own daughter most of times I came to visit her at her school. Thank you for sharing your story. Please take good care of yourself. I am here if you need someone to talk to.

Oh I do feel for you, we seem to end up with monsters which we obv never intended, I do often wonder if it's the same for the rich parents that send their children to private school or are they treated like roŷalty.
I hope things get better for you as you to certainly deserve it..

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my daughter destroyed my heart,and learned abusive behavior from a abusive cheating spouse.im proud and so hurt from the awful abuse mean words took my gradson away have no thoughts of my wellbeing demeans me humiliates me.ive never lower myself for something i never did wrong.im done i have no guilt and cry daily and have a wonderful mew husband.i gave up and trying to enjoy the true love i deserve,50 yrs old lifes short.we deserve it.do i like it no now i cry alone and try to move on.only a good mom can understand.im sorry that we are all going thru this so heartless generation.i lost my mom at 62 my best freind .brain ca. love your partner lust fullfill enjoy. love yourself and demand your new wellbeing to only people who love and except you .the real you.a very sad mom.

I had a same issue with my daughter and she is my only child. Her behavior didn't change since 14 years old. Now she is 22 yrs. old. She doesn't do anything in the house. She talks all the time about herself, never asked me about anything and if we got in the argument hers needs to be the least word. I have been called all kind of names and hat made me really angry. It becomes just unhealthy screaming relationship. She blames me that she is mirror of me when I fight with her father (my ex husband). I start blaming my self for her behavior and I am so helpless. Every mother love her kid and none of us wants to end the relationship with our kids but how to deal with??? How to make a healthier relationship? Why kids today don't have any respect to the parents? I feel soo helpless mother :(

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I'm sorry to hear that there are so man disrespecting, horrible, unappreciative daughters out there. I couldn't even treat my mother, even 1% of how my daughter treats me. My daughter has two, 2 & 3, which I have been raising and now she's finally coming around trying to be a mother to them. It's so hard because my grand babies area so used to my style of parenting, not yelling and complaining first thing in the morning, it progresses through the day. Now my poor angels watch how she treats me and are being taught how to treat people in general, which its going to create a rough life for them. It breaks my heart to see all that ugliness she has inside her. What's really sad, she always acts like she hasn't done anything wrong and can't figure why I'm stand offish with her. She's so dam lazy and her kids rooms' always a mess now that she's around more. My g. children had at least schedules and some order to their lives. Everything I try to get them involved in something productive, she's too dam lazy allow them to participate in things that are good for them unless of course it's her idea.
You know it's so sad to say, most of the time I can hardly stand her, but whats even worse, 2 babies being taught to treat me like that too.
So when you think it's really bad, there's always another story even worse.
I'm sorry I really can't offer any feedback, just pray all the time for her like I try to when I'm not filled with complete disgust from her recent and common behaviors. She's so full of herself and so inconsiderate of everyone and everything.
Sad, Sad mother

I'm at my wit's end with my 23-year-old daughter. She is already a single mother of two, with 6 and 7-year-old children. That's right, her first pregnancy was at the age of 16. Since then I have solely supported her. I pay her rent because there's no way we could live under the same roof. Just recently I told her that I can no longer afford the $900 per month rent and she'll have to find a cheaper place. You'd think that I just tossed her and my grandchildren into the street! She's also disrespectful, has been for years now. Can't count the number of times she's hung up the phone in my ear, yelling the "F"-bomb every time we talk because I try to make some helpful suggestions. It's truly insane what we as parents are tolerating. But, no more for me! After seven years and $80,000 supporting her I'm done.
She'll be 24-years-old soon, time to grow up and stop thinking that some part-time server's job at a restaurant is going to provide for her family. There's much more to this story but, I'd literally have to publish a book to get it all in. Good luck to all the other parents posting here. I can assure you, it's not your fault.

Wow, reading your post made me say to myself "Did I write this?". Sounds so much like what I go through with my college daughter. We can get along fine, but then she can talk to me like I'm a complete idiot and call me names. Just went through this last night, and so I just went in my room as it was bed time, and she will head back to her college which is 1.5 hours away also. I didn't text her...she hasn't texted me. I just don't even want to talk to her. I am divorced from her dad, and I'd be perfectly happy if she just went to live with him during the summer when she's home from school. She does nothing to help out at home either. I'm sooooo sick of it. She's 20 also.

help i in same boat. i just keep enabling so i quit.ten min ago. i even ereased her number from phone...

I'm getting very close to doing the same thing!

Took her name out of Facebook and decided not reaching out to her anymore. When people asked about my daughter, I asked them right away about their family so I don't have to cry and feel sorry for myself. Go on vacation and buy nice things for yourself from now on. Keep yourself in good shape. Lost our daughters but we have health.

Wow that's my story except my daughter started at the age of 12 and I thought she would get over it but she almost 18 now and treats me like a piece of sh*t and she knows more in life then me. I can't take it anymore. My older son knows how she is cause she talks to him the same way, he told me to kick her out of my house if she refuses to give us(mom & (dad) respect! But I'm scared if she can make it on her own. Can you help me on what to do? I'm at my wits end. It will get physical i know, she's already slapped me in the passed. Some one please help

If she EVER hits you again, you call the police. Would you allow some lady in the store to slap or hit your without calling the police? Most certainly not. Do NOT allow anyone to treat you that way. Your daughter is out of control and she needs a reality check. She would not get away slapping anyone else without repercussions--teach her a hard lesson now or she might just slap the wrong person with a gun one day. Then what?

If she is 18...give her a timeline to have a job and place of her own. Let her know that she will be asked to leave sooner than that if she yells, calls names or treats any family member with disrespect again. Spell out what disrespect is. If she is anything like my daughter....she will decide she don't like those rules and leave on her own. It took her a bit, but she got on her own 2 feet pretty fast when she was forced to.

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My heart is breaking not just because what I am going through but to find out there are others dealing with this insanity...I was so frustrated today March 09, 2014 that this is what I googled...Is there anyone out there that has a 19 year old daughter who calls their Mom " A f------ Piece of ****! This is after I removed her clothes from the dryer that we share will a family downstairs in the duplex where we live, she had interrupted their laundry and all I did was take hers out there where dry and put them on the kitchen chair because she has both laundry baskets in her room filled with crap, I went to her door told her they were done and she stormed into the kitchen grabbed all the clothes screaming why did you do that I don't want you to touch my things or put them there, then went to the laundry room still screaming at me so the neighbors could hear and removed their clothes that I put back in the dryer, threw them on the washer and put her's in saying the quote above. This is just one incident out of many. Last night she flipped me off in the grocery store in front of people, told me to F OFF and stormed off like a 2 year old. Honestly she was the best 2 year old, never had a tantrum, but when I went back to work when my son was 8 months old and she was 4 because her Dad was not trying to support us and I was not going to be out on the street everything changed. I worked 2 jobs for 11 years to support his lazy *** and my kids only for him to turn her totally and utterly against me. I have been thrown in jail by him (unjustly at that) because I wrote a letter to him in 2005 telling him I would leave if he did not step up and that I would not take the kids but provide support for them. Instead he showed it to my daughter who was going on 10 years old and said to her that I was leaving them with nothing and that everything that happened from then on was my fault after a confrontation with him about our kids being in the neighbors tree at 11:00 pm at night he called the police and used my daughter to say she heard from the other room me slapping him. He has manipulated me and my kids for so long and continues to this day either indirectly or directly. About a year ago she, my son and I where driving home and we were arguing about "Her needs and Her Life being all f'd up because of mainly me and her father, all I said is no one asked you to be here and your brother doesn't want to deal with it either, she jumped from the passenger seat, put both knees in my chest, pinning my arms with her legs and feet and proceeded to choke me, I barely got out my son's name saying she is choking me and at that same moment she pressed so hard against my wind pipe that it stills bothers me to this day. I finally had enough and my 14 year old son and I packed everything up and moved 800 miles away. Then the manipulation started again with suicide threats and previous failed attempts that I was told by her father and her where all my fault only caused me to make the wrong decision again to bring her into my home again. Now my son is so disrespectful as well, he is going through puberty and I am sure he sees how vulnerable, stupid and that I can be manipulated by my own emotions that he does not see the wrong in it. I constantly fight within myself not to just end my life because it does not seem to matter to anyone and I am being forced or letting myself be forced to be a way that I am not. I have no courage, self esteem or the desire to do anything put either leave again, maybe not take my son with me this time or end my life. At this point it is leaning towards the end because I cannot live with abandoning my kids and I don't see them changing at all. I wish I could help myself and all the other parents out there who feel the way I do........Even though I don't know you I send my love and prayers that you have worked through this. Broken Hearted

Dear Sandiwest,

When I read your post, I hurt for you and your daughter. She is in so much pain and you as well. When I read your letter of complaints, now I see why she acts the way she does. I am not here to make you feel bad about yourself. All I need for you to see is that you are playing the victim. Your daughter is the victim. First, I would not put up with her abuse. You do this out of guilt. Your daughter needs confirmation that you did cause part of her painful childhood. Don't scream at me. I feel it already. Here is why I say this. You wrote this:
About a year ago she, my son and I where driving home and we were arguing about "Her needs and Her Life being all f'd up because of mainly me and her father, all I said is no one asked you to be here and your brother doesn't want to deal with it either. I am surprised that, that is all she did. C'mon... really... You told your own daughter that you say you love, that I don't care and your brother does not care? How I (your mom) screwed up you life. WOW! REJECTION, REJECTION, REJECTION!!!!! Do you not have any ownership of your break up with her father?
Okay, I got that off my chest. You need to kick her out of your home and get some control of your emotions. Really ask yourself why???? Why do I let her rule my life, Why do I let her control me? Every time you pick up the phone and speak to her and she starts to yell at you, HANG UP! You do not deserve this abuse and only when she is not upset, you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter and it is vital to tell her that you are sorry for screwing up you her childhood. You chose to marry him and you chose to leave. This is what you wrote to your husband? WOW!! I wrote a letter to him in 2005 telling him I would leave if he did not step up. When you wrote that letter to you husband back then and he showed it to your daughter. That was wrong, that you wrote it in the first place and that he showed it to her at age 9. Obviously, you thought that he took great care of your children, otherwise you would not state in the letter that are going to leave them with him. You have to show responsibility for your actions, too. Did you not leave?, did you not write the letter?, did you not tell your daughter that what she thinks is not important? You have balls! You know you sound like a chauvinistic woman. I see that he hurt you and deeply at that, you did great by getting out and taking care of the family. Seems to me is that you were ashamed of him and your position in the marriage.
THERE IS HOPE!!!!! You are the one she has been beating up for all of that. She has to feel important, but she does not have to live with you or down the street. When you moved, that was another slap in the face to her only because you do not show to her that you have any ownership in this matter. You and her can have a good relationship, but you have to submit to your faults. If you are still saying to yourself, how dare this woman say this, then you are not ready to have a better relationship with your daughter. I care, that is why I wrote this. Baby steps, but the first one is to apologize and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY...

Sincerely,
behonesteveryday

I appreciate your thoughts, but even though I did not write everything that has happened, I have taken sole responsibility and have had countless talks with her about how sorry I am for the way things turned out and my wrongs. I never tried to make her feel that she was at fault in any way. The turning point was the physical and mental abuse by her for over 8 months that she brought onto her brother and myself, the incident in the car was after I had taken her to buy make-up, photography supplies for her as well as taking her to submit applications and I don't really see how my comment justifies her rage to where she tried to choke me. It seems like I can never do right by her and that it only makes her more angry at me if I try to help her or give her what she wants. My son and I were living in fear that she would make good on her threats of suicide and still do to this day. Her father takes no responsibility and only blames me, manipulating her as well as through her to me. He can say and do the most horrible things to her but she always goes back to him after she has completely destroyed our lives, leaving us to pick up the pieces and move again. Speaking of my son (soon to be 16 yrs) has never received a phone call from his father asking him how he is (but my son has always done so, just not lately) or sometimes in the past when my son would try to talk to him he would completely ignore him. I never said I was blameless to myself or my kids and their father has constantly reminded them of this in screaming rages since 2005! My comment was out of anger and frustration which continues to brew every day. My son says he loves her but he is just tired of it always being just about her just like her dad, he feels like it will never be right with them because they don't care how he feels and what affect they have on him, that they only care what happens to them and what everyone (especially me) is supposed to hand them and when you don't do what they want or say what they want they result to rage and abuse. I keep trying, keep providing and I keep getting the same results usually worse than before. I blame myself for allowing the manipulation and for failing at every thing I have tried.....why do you think I feel like her now???

P.S. The letter to my ex stating I would leave the kids with him, was a meaningless threat to him because I knew he did not want the responsibility and that maybe that would make him want to try and fix things. Not that he took great care of them, as my daughter pretty much raised my son from diapers while I worked. Their father spent most of his time on himself. The letter was my last attempt after years and years of talking (11 to be exact) with no results.

I will say something from experience :(=== people do not tell you when they decide to commit suicide. It is a cry for help, not suicide. You are surrounded by toxic people that is ripping you and your impressionable son apart. Whatever you do is up to you, you just need to act now and not be around your daughter. You and her brother is paying the price. I have a question. Why do you allow your ex-husband and daughter to rage on you over the phone? It took me many years to figure this out for myself, too. Luckily, I was only 25 and my entire world changed for the better. Try it. What do you have to lose? What?
By the way, the rage within, is from no one listening or confirming your feelings. All the details are up to you...I am a believer in Christ and He loves you and cares about you! This prayer is for you. If you believe, say it out loud, over and over. You are not alone...
Sincerely,
behonesteveryday

Heavenly Father,

Please help me to dwell on the good and the positive in my life. I know that it is You who examines our hearts. Search the inner depths of my heart and expose anything that is not of You so I can be set free of it.

Lord, where I have directed anger toward others in my life or held anger inside of me, I confess that as sin and ask You to forgive me and take all the anger away. Heal any wounds that I have inflicted, through my words and actions, in others and myself. Help me to speak sweet words and healing, for I know that pleases You. Where I have shown anger toward others I confess it to you as sin. Bring Your restoration to every situation where it is needed.

Thank You, Lord, that You will redeem my soul in peace from the battle that is against me. I believe that You, the God of peace will crush the enemy under my feet. Help me to live righteously because I know there is a connection between obedience to Your ways and peace. Help me to depart from thoughts of anger and bouts with depression; help me to seek peace and actively pursue it. Thank You that You will take away all anger in me and keep me in perfect peace, because my mind is fixed on You Father. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

It sounds like you are really struggling through all this and I can see why. I have had issues with a very troublesome daughter too. I found great help, clarity by going to a counselor. You can't control what other people do or say. You can only change how you react to them and the problems in your life. I understand this now. You can't let others actions control your emotions or how you react. Only you can control that...so get some help from a professional counselor. They can really help you sort out the fog in your head, which is caused by depression by the way--as well as stress.

Don't wait......your words tell me you are thinking way too much about suicide. There is help and there are wonderful, caring people to help you regain your self esteem and create the life you desire. God bless and best of luck to you.

3 More Responses

Cut her off!!! Its just going to get worse if you don't. Trust me I've been there and 10 years later I still have to have the threat out there that I'll turn my back if he disrespects me. Kids like that don't change. She's a sociopath. Look it up and you'll find her there.

I agree. Mine is 25 and has not changed.

Mine is 28. She's living at home. Can't move out. Has to many student loans. She does work and feels she doesn't have to do anything at home at all. It's very rare if she does anything. She's sloppy and lately has gotten so disrespectful. I just can't take it anymore. It upsets me so much I start to cry. My husband barely does anything. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm at my wits end. It's very sad that I'm happier when she is not home. I don't want it to be that way. I really want to kick her out. I need my sanity. I feel like nobody cares.

I am going through this with my son. He has shoved me down and I put him in jail but he still disrespects me. He is 17 years old. In Alabama u are considers an adult at 18. I thought about kicking him out when he gettable 18 if he don't change. I have told him that and he still acts like he don't care. I love him but I can't take it anymore. What should I do? We are going to mental health already but it don't seem to be helping. He seems like he is getting worse.

I too have a disrespectful 27yr old daughter who's been this way since 15. We took her to a family counselor who said not to break the lines of communication with her even if it comes in the form of written dialogue. Well, she refused to listen or put forth any effort to correct her rude behavior. Sure she made good grades, graduated cumma sum laude, etc., etc., but continued to be disrespectful towards me, and pitted me against her father who doesn't know how to say NO to her as much as I had, he always giving in to her demands that I refused to...in other words I refused to reward her bad behavior but because her father was not a witness most of the time to her behavior towards me, she would counter that with charm to him and he began taking her side because she made the grades...which didn't benefit me whatsoever, only her. Recently she had a baby born 3 mos. early, something she'll never believe she brought about when it was clear how stressed out she'd been during the whole pregnancy, taking on projects that burdened her and wouldn't get proper rest. She was constantly throwing up every meal on top of that and only has one kidney which put her at high-risk for toxemia, which I feared would happen if she didn't relieve some of the stress that she was in control of. I never give unsolicited advice or lectured her. I only defended my character to her whenever she would assassinate it. She would interpret that as a personal threat to her. She's never taken ownership of her own misbehavior and I fear her tiny daughter is going to be the one to suffer for that. She claims I was an irresponsible parent. I let her know that an irresponsible parent is one who lets her children starve while she goes to the store for a pack of cigarettes, which I never did. An irresponsible parent wouldn't go to the lengths I did to get justice for her brother I lost. An irresponsible parent wouldn't pay for her college education student-loan free. I was never verbally abusive to either of my living children, but she is towards me when her other brother is not. She's denied letting me hold my new grandchild, only allows her father to. When I went back with her to see the baby, she blocked the isolette and I couldn't even touch the baby. And this after she told me she's been more than accommodating to me and trying to facilitate our relationship for some time. Seems to be a contradiction here, huh? Actions, though, speak louder than words. I've let her know several times what I will not tolerate from her anymore as I had for years, and each and every time she is disrespectful towards me, I leave or walk away, refusing to explain myself to her anymore. Because I'd done that before the baby was born, she's now using her child as a form of revenge along with my bad smoking habit. It's always going to be something for her that will justify why she refuses to be respectful. Before that, she used the death of her brother against me, saying I emotionally abandoned her. What I did when I couldn't be there for her emotionally is make sure someone who could was there. That's what a responsible parent would do. I know I won't be able to be able to spend time with my grandchild if I don't take steps to make sure she doesn't come in contact with my smoking. But I've taken those steps....I don't smoke whenever I leave home to head to the hospital, I even take a shower and brush my teeth in addition to not smoking on the way. This wasn't enough for my daughter...she's demanding I quit completely or not have a relationship with her child, even when she says she wants me to have a relationship with her....contradictory once again. I am also aware that if I want to see my grandchild that I'll have to go to her home until I successfully quit smoking. Until that time arrives, I've decided to put my foot down once again and have let my husband know that if we don't form a united front, she'll continue to be disrespectful towards me and my choices, no matter what they are. She's been so focused on the negative with me, that there's no room for seeing all the positive I'd provided her throughout her childhood and could provide to her child. I'm sorry, but I'm done. I've stopped going out of my way for her anymore and if I have to live vicariously through my husband to have any sort of contact with my granddaughter, then so be it. I just can't bring myself to be with someone who doesn't respect me as I deserve. I can count only two other people who view me in the same light as my daughter and I no longer have a relationship with those two people. I've decided that my life is worth more and have taken on other tasks and will only surround myself with positive, loving and caring people that brings me great joy and happiness. Is it wrong for me to do that and allow her to continue to alienate me as she has for years? She says she'll never come to our home again now that she has a child that can't be around a smoker at all...not even if they smoke outdoors. I reminded her awhile back that she's entitled to her choices as I am mine and that she'll need me later more than I need her. That just makes her more mad, so I stopped speaking to her altogether if this is always going to be how she reacts to constructive criticism that she's always subjected me to. I take full responsibility for what I say and do, not how others choose to react. Frustrated and hurt...Mom of 2, grandmother to 1!

She's not perfect is she? She might think so now but if you stand your ground you will be a lot happier in the long run. When she does realize she needs you and comes around you'll get some respect. Don't be a door matt to see the child. You'll be glad when the child grows in to a monster. Trust me it's so much worse when the kid starts treating you the same way. It's just not worth it. I'm glad they're gone. Let her bestow her expert parenting skills on the little one. That will be the best medicine. I've lived it and the kids are horrible people that aren't welcome anywhere because their behavior is so bad. Their not even welcome here because they (tried) treating me badly like my child does. They know they can come but they also know they can leave as fast as I can say go home! Don't take it just because it's blood. Lots of needy kids out there that would love you. Put your faith in God. God bless you.

This sounds exactly like my house. It has become a nightmare and I hate being here. I made up my my mind long ago that I had to get out of here but stayed because of my elderly mother and finances. Ive been single the last 8 years to focus on caring for my children and mother. I did my best moving them to better neighborhoods and schools taking them on a yearly cruise trying to buy them the things they want. They have been disrespectful for years and to a point where they dont do anything around the house and dont dare ask them to do something twice it becomes a world war when our tempers colide. I feel really bad that I dont control myself better but I cant deal with the disrespect. This past year has only gotten worst. I work 3rd and came home one morning to my oldest in my bed sleeping with some guy and some arbitrary guy sitting in my living room. She aopologized only to do it again. Granted my middle child is in college early and I want the best but they stay out all night sometimes for days. Bring random unknown people into my home with my mom and youngest daughter her. So now in addition to their behavior were afraid to be here and are moving because of it. Then when you try and say anything they flip the script on me. How im putting them out knowing they have nowhere to go but I cant tell. Recently they posted a video on instagram in my car with friends which they know I dont allow holding up drugs. I have no clue where they are and ive cried all night till my eyes are swollen. My 18 year old packed her bags and left last night. Im heartbroken and prayed that God and my kids forgive me for any of my wrongdoing at the same time im still over it. I think its only fair my youngest and I have some peace.

GOOD CALL!!! Take control back of your life, and your daughter needs to take her place as the daughter not the mother. I had to tell my daughter to go live with her father!!! I've had it!!!!

Yes ma'am, i think you have made the right choice. I too have a disrespectul bratty 18 yr old daughter that i have HAD IT with. My daughter has a 16 month old daughter that i love with all my heart, and i will never let that baby go hungry or do without, but as for my daighter, she has said F YOU to me for the last time. She went and got huge ugly tattoo on her upper arm, living in my home mind you and i pay for EVERYTHING for her and my her daughter. I told her if she goes and gets that tattoo, she can fend for herself and I meant every word of it. I want to have a relationship with my grand baby, but my daughter can stay at her fathers!!!!!!!!!!!!

parents...older parents dont know what the hell to do....its sad...really is....even at twenty..
its a phase, she or he will grow out of it... maybe something traumatic happened and your not the person she or he can speak too. I always tell my son , no matter.what it is, its ok. nothing is too surprising, im here for you, 24/7 no matter what!sh it happens..lol...gay? oh...ok. I love you.dr can increase your testosterone, since your father sucked as a man, like father like son..and well go from there.....ohhhhh good hate u too,.when you were 6 months n ruined my date by crying all night, I left the window cracked, your soooo spoiled. you know what come here...smack!!!!! that felt great...ur turn...smack!!! omg devil child,.I'm
having you locked up!! &when.ur bf comes over, ill pretend im.you, since im 54

Hi while I sympathise with you I also see that this problem will never end unless you do something to shock her !!
As you mention you pay for all her things she is 20 but still does not contribute to anything ! Her lack of respect for you is certainly not acceptable ! If I were you I would sit her down and explain as she feels she's an adult you would like to speak to her like one and state your points where she must contribute to help and a part time job whilst in college if she is to be still living with you and tell her she has been behaving unacceptably and that her lack of respect for you had better change or she will have to live elsewhere as you won't tolerate it anymore as she is treating you like one of her student friends not her mum !
That will surely shock her system but you have to be firm and mean it > pack her a bag if you have to ! This situation surely must be resolved by you or your son will think this behaviour is acceptable for him too and then look out. It will also start to make you Ill.
Best of luck ,

I totally understand how u feel n I know it's really not nice. My 23 yr old daughter has a 5 month old baby & a new boyfriend of nearly 5 months. She expects him to spend every weekend from Friday to Monday sleeping and living in our sitting room. Then when we do say here love is he going home tonight.you can see her turn soo nasty!! He stayed all over the Christmas without been asked by us. I was soo peed off one day I stayed in my bedroom for 3 days then she came in and said to me I know you like your own privacy etc so if you just give us a thousand pounds well be out of your face!! She's soo checky and disrespectful to us. She's tearing our family apart! Then she looks at me like I'm trash and says ha there's 1 word for you Darling and that's Abortion!! Just because I was 16 when I had her. Buy she Never wanted for anything, she got too much yes she was probably spoiled. I never put my poor Mother through that I was gone when I was 18. It's like a no win situation and when she does go out she won't even say if she's not coming home she just waltzes off and doesn't even make up the baby bottles, or leave us with his proper soother and he's teething like mad!! And yes she did try for the baby very hard. Its like if things don't go her way watch out!! I know she's going to to leave as soon as she can and I know if she could go foreign she would ( cars she doesn't want her exs mum n dad to have anything to do with the baby which means we wouldnt see him either! I could go on and on but Im just too tired and depressed. Shes here now her bf had to go home until tommorrow so she wouldnt even leave the baby downstairs in the sitting room she took him straight up to her bedroom. Im sick of this carry on and the only way I have out is to get a loan of a grand Would I be mad?? y

Hi I think your missing the point completely it's your home isn't it what right does she have to treat you like that and demand £1000!!
I think she should be looking for a new place to live > friend or wherever it may be she will certainly see a difference may be then she ll start appreciating what you have done for her x

I totally agree. If you give them an inch, they take a mile. Once I told my disrespectful 21 year old daughter I was arriving home at 6, however I came home at 5 only to find my entire house trashed, friends lying everywhere , and they didn't even care or move. It's as if my house was theirs. Then they kept sleeping over & I sent my daughter an SMS saying, sorry, your friends cannot stay over anymore. Now I'm the enemy & they think I don't like them. Also now she sleeps at her friends home. I hope she is told she can't stay there. It's as if most kids that age are the same. No ambition or realistic goals. I think they have to see how third world countries live.

As a 25 year old who, at 20, was similar to your daughter, I just say that you need to stop babying her. Stop paying for everything. I'm in school full time and working full time at an hourly wage with a second part time job. I pay all my own bills because one day I realized that I would never learn how to be an adult as long as my dad kept coddling me. I quit taking his money, period. I let my credit cards go into default and went hungry for a few days and learned my lesson. Now, I have only one credit card left to pay off, all of my bills are paid on time, and I don't go hungry. If you let her stay in your house, she needs to follow whatever rules and regulations you set forth. If she doesn't, then she needs to realize that, by choosing to be grown, she will have to live within HER means, instead of YOUR means, which you have worked for for decades. She needs to understand that she is not entitled to your standard of living unless she is living in respect of your rules. She is entitled only to the standard of living that is within her means, if she wants to be "grown". Conversely, you need to let go of her situation, which is hard. My dad hates letting me take care of myself, but I couldn't stand the spoiled brat I had become. Hundreds of thousands of college students each year have to pay all their own bills and attend their own classes simultaneously. For the record, my GPA is 4.0; my apartment is 400 sq ft. I have no cable but hefty wifi; I no longer use a credit card for any reason. I have electric, water, cell, car, health insurance, car insurance, renter's insurance, and school expenses, plus a social life. I take at least 12 hours a semester and work between 40-50 hours a week, walking away with 1.5-2.5 K a month. I do get about 4-5 K in loan and grant refunds, because my GPA is so high but, all in all, I live right at poverty line. I work hard, but my life is mine. I am proud of myself for the first time in years. Don't deprive your daughter of that opportunity. She is at the age now where her behavior is no longer your fault. She's an adult and she should act like it, but if she is coddled, like I was, she won't. I had to have a massive religious experience to figure all of this out. I was an ******* to my dad. Now, the biggest struggle is that he's not satisfied with my lifestyle; it's not extravagant enough for him and he wants me to let him pay for it to be better. I don't want a lifestyle that is not mine, that I did not create. I am satisfied with working hard and being some one of whom I can be proud.She may thank you for it one day, she may not, but, ultimately, that's her blunder or progress to make, not yours. Trust that you did a good job with her. Trust that she is a human being of whom you can be proud, who can take care of herself. Don't underestimate yourself or your daughter. Humanity has survived for millenia; I'm pretty sure your daughter can make it for a few decades. Be confident in your ability to love well; it's innate. :)

I have an adopted daughter 32 yrs old now, mother of 3 married, very well educated. She left my home at the age of 14 to live with her dad, I agreed to it, she was only 6 blocks away. He was very good to her no rules, everything she wanted( thats why I believe she left our home) I even spoke to the family doctor and he agreed that it would be good for her dad and she. Now 17 years later she accuses me of abandoment and that living with him was a living hell. She denies she has relatives in the area where she lives.My husband and I have tried to be a part of her life but she wont let us babysit or have the children alone at our home. She now won't even go to her dads home has told him he needs to divorce his wife then she will visit. She now is telling me that her husband of 12 years does not like us, that we know just by his actions when he is around us. The word stupid has come from his mouth in our presence. his mom seems to be perfect, they even let her live with them from time to time. I am calm about this as I have apoligzed so many times for what i dont even know. Any ideas/

I finally found out what my daughter suffers from. It fits her to a tee! It's called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD...I laughed at the acronym), comes before Conduct Disorder and Anti-social personality disorder. Now that I've pinned down what it is that keeps her so on edge and disrespectful to me when I don't even live with her anymore, I can now make changes within my control to avoid upsetting her. It took my husband to finally put his foot down in order to allow me to see my grandchild and start enjoying being a grandmother as I should have from the start. Everything seemed to have changed overnight it seems once that baby was home with them 24/7 instead of at the hospital where nurses took care of her most of the time. It took only 2 weeks for her and her husband to crack before she was calling us to come and give them a break. I told my daughter I'm only doing this for the baby, not her and her actions will decide how long I stay when they're around too. I'd already warned her many times that I'll accommodate them for a limited time until that baby becomes mobile. Then I call the shots on whether or not I'll come to their rescue. I think my daughter is finally getting it. But I'm not holding my breath. The newness hasn't worn off yet! :-) But look up that disorder. I bet your kid may suffer from it and not even know it. My husband just said the other day. I don't miss not having our daughter living here. I do, miss our son, though, who lives with our daughter to help save on room and board at college since she only lives a mile from his campus. He knows how to filter better than my husband and I and has a good relationship with her, which we would never discourage anyway. But wait til he tells her he won't help her with the baby when he lives right there. I'm just waiting for that call now to come! :-) She cannot expect him to do what she didn't do when she was his age. It's just not respectful or even remotely conscionable, not to mention considerate of her to ask that of him! Oh well...maybe once you know what you're dealing with, you'll get to know how to combat it in a more calmer and less stressful way. I'm just glad I found out more about this because it's just not NORMAL behavior from a well educated, professional young woman who was raised in a stable home. Hope this helps you and others that read this! I've found many children suffer from it starting in their teens. We, as their parents, have to make adjustments once more in teaching them how to treat us, instead of the other way around!