Disrespectful Daughter, Need Feedback
I'm at my wits end, but calm. I need some input from those similiarly abused by their kids. I have a disrespectful 20 y/o daughter in college that does not appreciate me, acts selfish, superior and rude toward me, especially when she gets angry. She is currently not working (summer break) but will do little or nothing around the house unless asked specifically that is begrudgingly done and no more. I've emphasized that if she is not working she needs to contribute by doing housework, she said fine as long as she's not some sort of slave, she must be joking, I'm the one that feels like the slave, still she does nothing unless asked to and even when asked it's a toss up as to whether it will get done. I'm still waiting for her to clean the bathroom that she messed up and I've been waiting for 3 weeks, I could go on and on.
She never asks me how I'm doing, she will call me or come in my bedroom immediately talking about herself, I've said something to her a few times about this and how it makes me feel which resulted in her asking me, in a forced tone, how I'm doing a couple of times, and then moving quickly to herself. That lasted about a week, now it's back to just talking about herself again. However, as long as I am listening to her life, for hours on end, tell me story after story regarding her, her boyfriend, her roommates, and her friends and of course doling out money left and right (rent, food, cellphone, gas, utilities, insurance, entertainment, shopping, etc.) we are the best of friends, but when she is wrong and I let her know it, she will raise her voice, talk over me as I'm making my point, make accusations, pretty much flip me off in her words and deeds like I'm some sort of crazy idiot, etc., etc. It's gotten me to the point where this BS escalates me and then all bets are off and it turns out to be a very disfunctional loud confrontation, that at times has gotten to the brink of being physical. There are times when it's all I can do to restrain myself from just slapping the crap out of her and beating her silly. Trust me, she would deserve it, because now she has this attitude that because she's technically an adult there is nothing we can do to her anymore, in her words, 'she's grown'. Well 'grown' to me means you have your 'own', and you still don't get away with disrespecting your parents.
I do love her very much, but it's become so painfully clear that I've done too much and made too many excuses for her all her life, and she is spoiled and selfish and acts like she dislikes me. Maybe it's my fault, maybe not, I really don't care anymore about whatever may be her problem. I've cried, talked, sacrificed and beat myself up many times as to what the problem is since she was 15 years old and she started behaving this way little by little with simmering disrespect with an undercurrent of dislike directed towards me. I, of course, would address her then with it and then sooth myself by excusing it all as just teenage stuff and she would grow out of it, no such luck!!
But now I've made up my mind that I cannot and will not tolerate it anymore!! I have a 14 y/o son that's watching all this go on with her and dammit I deserve better. I'm tired of being treated like a convenience for money, room and board, and disregarded and disrespected otherwise. We had a really bad fight last night over her disrespect again which escalated to the point that I pushed her away from me. She was in my face and pointing her finger down at me (she was standing over me, she 6ft and I'm 5'5), which of course didn't help matters, thereupon I let her know that the day that I tolerate your disrespect anymore is the day they would be burying me six feet under feet first. Also that she acts like she is just as much woman as me to stand in my house and saying blah, blah, blah to me, to which she responded that she is just as much woman as me and packed her clothes and left in a huff back to her apartment 1.5 hours away.
I have struggled with what to do about all of this today, but have decided inspite of all her big talk, she is not financially independant and her small student loans and part-time jobs don't cut it to sustain her when school is back in session so she will still need assistance, therefore I will see that she has the basics: food, shelter, and utilities to get through school, the rest is on her and until she can respect her parents she is not welcome in our home.
I need some feedback, is this the right course? Thanks.