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Disrespectful Daughter, Need Feedback

I'm at my wits end, but calm.  I need some input from those similiarly abused by their kids.  I have a disrespectful 20 y/o daughter in college that does not appreciate me, acts selfish, superior and rude toward me, especially when she gets angry. She is currently not working (summer break) but will do little or nothing around the house unless asked specifically that is begrudgingly done and no more.  I've emphasized that if she is not working she needs to contribute by doing housework, she said fine as long as she's not some sort of slave, she must be joking, I'm the one that feels like the slave, still she does nothing unless asked to and even when asked it's a toss up as to whether it will get done.  I'm still waiting for her to clean the bathroom that she messed up and I've been waiting for 3 weeks, I could go on and on. 

She never asks me how I'm doing, she will call me or come in my bedroom immediately talking about herself, I've said something to her a few times about this and how it makes me feel which resulted in her asking me, in a forced tone, how I'm doing a couple of times, and then moving quickly to herself.  That lasted about a week, now it's back to just talking about herself again.  However, as long as I am listening to her life, for hours on end, tell me story after story regarding her, her boyfriend, her roommates, and her friends and of course doling out money left and right (rent, food, cellphone, gas, utilities, insurance, entertainment, shopping, etc.) we are the best of friends, but when she is wrong and I let her know it, she will raise her voice, talk over me as I'm making my point, make accusations, pretty much flip me off in her words and deeds like I'm some sort of crazy idiot, etc., etc.  It's gotten me to the point where this BS escalates me and then all bets are off and it turns out to be a very disfunctional loud confrontation, that at times has gotten to the brink of being physical.  There are times when it's all I can do to restrain myself from just slapping the crap out of her and beating her silly.  Trust me, she would deserve it, because now she has this attitude that because she's technically an adult there is nothing we can do to her anymore, in her words, 'she's grown'.  Well 'grown' to me means you have your 'own', and you still don't get away with disrespecting your parents. 

I do love her very much, but it's become so painfully clear that I've done too much and made too many excuses for her all her life, and she is spoiled and selfish and acts like she dislikes me.  Maybe it's my fault, maybe not, I really don't care anymore about whatever may be her problem.  I've cried, talked, sacrificed and beat myself up many times as to what the problem is since she was 15 years old and she started behaving this way little by little with simmering disrespect with an undercurrent of dislike directed towards me.  I, of course, would address her then with it and then sooth myself by excusing it all as just teenage stuff and she would grow out of it, no such luck!! 

But now I've made up my mind that I cannot and will not tolerate it anymore!!  I have a 14 y/o son that's watching all this go on with her and dammit I deserve better.  I'm tired of being treated like a convenience for money, room and board, and disregarded and disrespected otherwise.  We had a really bad fight last night over her disrespect again which escalated to the point that I pushed her away from me.  She was in my face and pointing her finger down at me (she was standing over me, she 6ft and I'm 5'5), which of course didn't help matters, thereupon I let her know that the day that I tolerate your disrespect anymore is the day they would be burying me six feet under feet first.  Also that she acts like she is just as much woman as me to stand in my house and saying blah, blah, blah to me, to which she responded that she is just as much woman as me and packed her clothes and left in a huff back to her apartment 1.5 hours away. 
 

I have struggled with what to do about all of this today, but have decided inspite of all her big talk, she is not financially independant and her small student loans and part-time jobs don't cut it to sustain her when school is back in session so she will still need assistance, therefore I will see that she has the basics: food, shelter, and utilities to get through school, the rest is on her and until she can respect her parents she is not welcome in our home.
 

I need some feedback, is this the right course?  Thanks.

takencare takencare 41-45 104 Responses Jun 18, 2008

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Some people just need to hit rock bottom in order to understand how others have bent over backwards. Problem is, you have made a point to always support her and she knows this. She also knows that she can talk and treat you any way she likes because you have allowed it for so long and continue to allow it. She knows you will still pay for her basic needs no matter what. She knows that you care but this still does not excuse her from being absolutely disrespectful towards you..
My advice is to let her grow up and pay for her basic needs. Do not shelter her from the real world by making her life comfy. No help, no support. You can be there for her emotionally but not financially. You will keep getting the same results if you keep making the same choices. You need to hold her accountable for her actions. ESPECIALLY if she is going into the workforce. Otherwise she will be a bully, if she isn't already... Maybe then, she will appreciate all that you have done for her and rethink about her behavior.
In all reality, its going to be harder for you to not help her, even more so when she calls you begging for help. But you can't give in. She HAS TO GROW UP. Just remember that you are helping her where it counts. She will look back someday and tell you that you made the right choice. I used to be like your daughter. To a T. And when I had no one to pay my bills my point of view switched rapidly as reality set in. I look back now and see what kind of person I was - and I was not a very nice person. Don't be a crutch, be a parent! No one said it would be easy!

When my daughter told me she wanted no contact with me anymore I replied, "As you wish". She has no interest in anything going on in my life, our phone conversations were nothing more than her talking about herself, the only interest she has in anything is how it will affect her. I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way by anyone else, she doesn't get a pass because we share DNA. I sometimes wonder what will become of this Millennial generation as they age. Who among them is going to care as they become ill, less independent, in need of help from others? I firmly believe things come back around to show you what you have done and how you have treated others. Perhaps as they age their lack of empathy for others now will be revisited upon them.

I have a daughter who is 26 yrs old and married. She is expecting her first child any day now. My daughter has been very disrespectful to me since she was about 16 yrs old. During that time my husband was ill and I didn't have the energy to fight back so she got away with a lot. My husband passed away two years ago and my daughter has not been there for me at all. When I try to talk to her and tell her how I feel it becomes a screaming match and she tells me how selfish and all about me I am. Both my husband and I have done nothing but been good to her and made sure that we were always there for her and that she always had what she needed. She disrespects me and tells me **** you and recently told me that she was going to tell her unborn child that I was dead. I have a friend that is going through this with his 21 year old son now. These kids are master manipulators and abusers. I know that I will not tolerate the abuse or disrespect from anyone including my own child. I'm not sure what is going on with this generation of kids other than the fact that they don't know how to communicate one on one. Everything is done through text and email. They have no emotions and seem almost heartless. I'm very curious to see how my daughter is going to handle these issues when she becomes a parent.

i am disrespectful to my mother she tells me all the time if i give her my butt to kiss then i can leave when i'm 16. she starts to work so she can get away from me more. she yells at me even im not raising my voice yes sometimes i do correct her iv'e told her she is the worst mother ever and she told me i was the worst daughter ever but the thing is direspect can not be tolerated for any parent. we don't know as teenagers how much our parents have done for us, but i think kicking your daughter out until she learns how to respect i think that, that is going to make her more disrespectful, because you kick her out but it is also going to make her realiize what she has done so she can come back, but never disguard family no matter what happens. through thick and then you stick together, but also as a mother you have to set her straight.

I completely can understand what you are going through. Ihave an almost 21year old who eloped at 18 then ladt March needed to move back home due to an abusive marriage situation,which,I believe she probably pushed this boy so far he could not take it anymore,no excuse for his behavior,but she should not have stayedin the marriage as long as she did because the abuse started when she was pregnant. We tried getting her to move home,but shes the type of person,that thinks she needs to fix everyone but her own self.Long story short,she has always been an argumentative,ungreatful ,girl who feels like she is owed everything ! She was not raised this way,trust me, we had her in coinseling all through jr.high and high school.She always blamed everyone else for her problems,never took responsability for her almost to the point of verbal and at times physical abuse towards us,her parents,whi did notabuse her! We were there through thick and thin with this child.We always tried to convince her she wasa beautiful,talented person and had great qualities and she never believed it due to bullying at school. Since she moved in last March with our Beautiful grandson, she finished beauty school,got 2 jobs now, but she ,on her time off,2-3 days per week, is constantly just concerned about finding a new boyfriend,is not even divorced yet,while at home doesnt keep up her duties,ex.laundry,cleaning up after herself,cannot even rinse off her own dishes and put them in the dishwasher. She leaves dirty diapers lying around frequently,but denies it,so i took pictures to show her and also took pictures of all her messes she leaves aroynd the house including her room and sons room. She says i do not havea right to be in her space and even threatened to call police if i go in her room again. Mind you,she has not paid us a dime for luving here,we have supported her and her son the whole time. Up until recently when she finally graduated beauty school and got 2 pt jobs. But dont work that hard each job is not busy.she has hard any clients at her haircutting job,at her waitressing job,a few days a week, she only has a few tables a day. The baby is 15 months and sleeps pretty mych all night, and she still is very lazy at home. When i say anything,she argues and is disrespectful. Up until recently,I used to watch my grandson 6 days a week with my mom or my husband for free of course while in schooland at first when she worked.but it was too hard fior me because im disabled physically due to a nerve disease in my arms.and my mom moved out,so i didnt have mych help. But she never appreciated anythibg we have done for her and cobtinues her verbal abuse.Do I legally have to let her keep living with us since she is not 21 until April,but shes still technically married.? She says we cannot kick her out and us very blunt about that. Any advice would be helpful.good luck wuth your situation. I just thought i would explainmy situation so you would know you arebt alone.

You should be able to evict her from your home just like anybody else. Sounds like she's hanging things over your head as a way to control you. Don't let her. Give her a 30 day notice to move. My own daughter (she turned 18 last year) got one from me when problems began when she began dating her current boyfriend. Young adults today are often immature and lazy. Much of that happens when the parent overindulges children when they are young. Once the magic age of 18 hits them they believe they get to control every aspect of their worlds but don't quite understand that with that freedom comes the responsibilty of one's self. And most parents never think that they would have to teach an adult child the rules of respect. As hard as it is "tough love " can sometimes be the only solution. Cut her off. Give her a notice to move. Let her know why you want her to move. She may become angry and make all kinds of threats but its important to stick to your guns. Do not let her emotionally blackmail you. By showing her that she is the one that really stands to lose can go a long way. Since she relies heavily on you most likely she'll come around with a different attitude.

I too am dealing with this. My daughter is a 20 yo college student, home on break. She has come in twice reaking of weed. I spoke to her and explained this will not b tolerated. 2 days later she didn't come in at all. I don't think she knows what's disrespectful because when I approached her, she has so much to say in her defense. Pray for me and I'll pray for u.

Wish I can do the same thing. My daughter is 23 yrs. old, she still lives w/ us, she has a great job. My husband spoiled her ever since. She is very lazy & disrespectful . My husband is always on her side. Wish I can throw her out of our house. Big problem right now!

Hi,I am in a similar situation as well, but I would not tell my daughter that she is not welcome in my home. It might make her think twice to speak to you with respect and show her love for you, but as a mother our love is unconditional, constant, and everlasting no matter what, we moms have to sacrifice a lot for our children. I know it is painful, believe me I am hurting inside, my soul is bleeding, but my advice is to always let her know that you are there for her no matter what! What ever time you have with each other try to spend it in a pleasant way. If she tries to star an argument, stay quiet and try to talk about something else that is pleasant.Today is Christmas Eve, and she had been with her dad for several days, has not called me. If I sound like I am complaining please excuse me but I have to let it out, let all the pain, and sorrow out of your system, and never let go of your love for your daughter. One time or another she will realize how wrong she is to disrespect her mom who brought her into this world.Pray for her that God (Allah) gives her guidance.

You can't possible be suggesting that unconditional love for our children means we have to accept their disrespectful attitudes, are you?! That's ludicrous!!!

I am so glad I found your story, because it sounds identical to mine, except that my daughter is 36 and still with me! Even since she was a child, she has acted as if she hated me. She was a child genius, so I let a lot of things go. And, like you, I attributed a lot of it to her young age, and continued thinking the same during her teen years. As I said, she is now 36. I believe, all this time, she has had undiagnosed Asperger's, because she also has repetitive movements, is obsessive about hand-washing, and is constantly asking me what I'm doing, etc. If I stand too close to the kitchen trash, she freaks out. I have tried to get help, but there is none. They all say she's an adult. Anyway, I do hope things have gotten better for you since 2008 when you posted this. I wish I would have found your article sooner, so I could tell you that you will be in my prayers. I truly understand your problem. Like you, at times, I have been suicidal, but more recently, I am thinking how easy it would be to beat her to death when she is yelling and treating me like dirt, after I, at age 62, have worked all day long in a factory, while she sleeps and does nothing. Anyway, as I said, I pray for you, and I ask that you please pray for me. There may not be a solution.

Many, many years ago I heard someone say "You teach people how to treat you". I've never forgotten it. Why do you allow her to sleep all day and do nothing?

You love your daughter. No doubt about that! But I think its time to stop allowing her to treat you this way. She is old enough to be on her own, compulsive or not. She will never realize how much you do because she has never been in your shoes. I think its time that she moves out.....your not a crutch, your her mother!

wow. Yes I'd leave her alone; offer the bare necessities until she show respect. I had similiar outbursts/rudeness and still do. My daughter's 26 a little better than she was at 20. I slept in my office when she was home senior year. It's sad. Just happy to say you're not alone. Btw, I asked other moms if they had experiences with 'rude' daughters and received a ton of emails telling me I'D NEVER LET MY CHILD BLAH BLAH. It's not you. No, sometimes it just works out that way. Keep your distance; hold on to your dignity.

Dignity goes a long way!

Im so sorry about that. My sister in law was going through the same thing. Her and my neice had a unbreakable bond until she was about 14. She will talk back, cuss at her, sneak out, etc. My SIL raised her by herself and did EVERYTHING for her. But on my neice 16 birthday, my neice was so disrespectful to her mom. When my SIL will try to take a picture with her she will say no and call her names. I really saw the hurt in her eyes and alot of people say it. The next my neice friend went to talk to her mom and told that when my niece was 14 she was raped. My SIL went to London with her boyfriend at the time for about a week and half in the summer and when my neice was home to get somestuff a guy broke in and raped her. And ever since then she changed. She was mad at her mom for leaving so she blamed her mom for everything. When my SIL heard she was so heartbroking. Well she talked to her daughter and things came out and they talked about thier feelings and how to make things better and now thier is better then ever. I wish you luck. I hope things get better. Its get worse before it get better

Yes your perfectly correct.
I have the same problem with my daughter, she treats me disgustingly, but if I try to say about her attitude she simply tells me to **** off,
She has being spoilt and if she doesn't have her own way she is nasty and spiteful, I have being told 4 times today in the space of 3 hours to F off because I have disagreed with her, she talks to everyone that doesn't fall in with her plans like a piece of dirt,
I have ill health yet she expects me to just get on with it while doing the things she should be doing.

She has her own business which she seems in last 2-3 months to leave it to myself or her dad to do when she isn't here then when she does turn up she just sits around and gets nasty if asked to do anything,
We have put a lot of money into her business to try help her as we thought it would change her attitude but it did for awhile but her attitude has changed back to how she's being for past 6-7 years, but we are in a dilemma now as to do we withdraw our help now and give up any slim chance of getting any of our money back or do we walk away with some with a little bit of the dignity we have left?

We have had problems with her taking cannabis for a few years now and had thought she had stopped but we think she's back doing it again due to her nastiness,
I don't know if my message is helpful but I think your doing the right thing in giving her minimum but just enough for her to live on, hopefully this will work for you to get your relationship back on track, but it won't be easy as youngsters today just don't seem to have the will or the want to get on with life like we did at their age, but I really do wish you luck..

or do we walk away with some with a little bit of the dignity we have left? YES. DO THAT. I've had a rude daughter since she was 3; she's 26 and still rude. I text or email I love you. That's it. I wait for her to call and keep it light; almost robotic. She can't wait to get into a fight. I'm done. You should be too. you did your best and it's up to her. We never think that peace is expensive. IT IS!! But so worth holding on to. Keep your peace or dignity at ALL COSTS. Believe me, there's nothing better. Some people just are -- angry. And sometimes -- it's killing me to admit it -- it's our own daughters.

When will you parents wake up? Providing the basics is not helping your situation!!! why do you think your children treat you this way to begin with? Let them grow up like everyone else has since time began......this entitlement mentality has turned my generation into disrespectful, lazy, distrustful, selfish adults. They don't care about anyone if it doesnt include them. Entitlement is just another way of justifying yourself and not accepting accountability. No one ever learned the value of anything unless they paid for it themselves. In all reality, your children don't care about anyone but themselves. I would know, I used to be like this! They will never leave you alone and always want more and more money from you. They will not accept NO for an answer either. Allowing yourself to contribute to their financial needs because your bleeding heart prevails you is not helping the situation! Look into the future.....do you still see yourself providing money when your kid is 40, 50 60?

Your definitely not alone. I've been a single mother without my parents help & did what I could to protect & provide for my 2 kids (now daughter's age 22 & son's age 17). It was all about her & if she didn't get her way, she would report me to child services or make up ugly stories about me to others. I was her mom & best friend till high school. After that, that's when she started with twisting words, making up ugly stories about me, lying & sneaking around. We tried counseling & I was told that I shouldn't be a best friend because she will not respect me as a mom. That I have to be mom & as friends, she will have plenty so I shouldn't place myself there.

Now, she has 2 children which I am caring for one. She treats me as this is what I have to do & doesn't appreciate not acknowledge the fact that I'm tired & earned some me time. My some holds resentment toward her for how she has treated me & affected our lives. My son loves his nephew who lives with us till she decided she wants him back. It's is an emotional rollercoaster. She used my grandchildren as tools to intimidate & manipulate me.

As a mom, we will always love our children but also need to realize that our children reach an age that they are not children. Many of us have struggled alone & grown strong. By being there for them & allowing them to abuse is, we are teaching them to be heartless & handicapping them from growth. There is a time (for them & our own sanity/respect) that we need to step back & let them feel what life without us is about. Once they fall or feel the stress, maybe then they might hold a drop of appreciation for us moms. Maybe they never will & roam around acting like self made victims. Whichever the case is, if we allow them to such our life, what strength & life will we have for our grandchildren in case they need us in their young years. Also we should accept the fact that after we did the best we could as patents, put ourselves on the back burner & busted our behind to provide, protect, love & just made them our life, ... now we deserve some me time.

We will already love them but we need to love ourselves too & allow them to take their own steps. After all, we are not always going to be around.

It won't be easy loosening or in some cases, cutting the ties to our adult children but raising children wasn't easy either but we did & still are.

Hope this makes some sense. If any typos, sorry. Working off my cell & as we all know; it acts up at times too.

Strength, wisdom & tough love

yes INDEED. I've lived on that back burner for years!! Career sabotage. All I wanted was a thank you - in the form of a phone call ''How are YOU?'' but never happened. It's now just a matter of finding what pleases you. ''Gotta know when to fold 'em'' as Kenny Rogers would say.

Spot on!

I am a 23 year daughter of a single mother. I have read through several of the posts and thought, WoW, I am reading about myself over and over again.I disrespect my mother daily. It is abuse, I see that now. I call her names and sometimes the yelling match turns into a physical altercation. I know she just wants to strangle me some times for how I treat her. I do not blame her one bit. She never disrespected her parents, even today at age 45, still does not. I love my Mom, I just do not know why I act like a self righteous b****. She raised me single-handedly, instilling in me all good qualities. I treat the world with greater respect than I do the woman who gave birth to me and taught me what respect means. I am spoiled, never lacked anything. Yes, we have live in the same low-income home for 18 years and have the same furniture, but I have never lacked anything. I have it all. And I do nothing. Ok, so I work, but the money I earn is for me to buy some groceries (once in a while) and for my own personal use. I do not pay rent, I do not even pay for my own gas or car insurance (my step-father does, but he is no longer with my mother). I am just a spoiled brat. Even though my mother is currently not working, she worked for a majority of her life and is using her own savings to pay the rent. She has done everything in her power to give me a better life than she has had and has made sure I do not lack in anything. And yet I treat like she is scum under my feet.I feel horrible and know that I have to change. The question is where do I begin??? I sometimes apologize after blowing up at her, but the apology is insincere because I continue the same behavior almost instantly. I have a serious problem and I hope that other daughters who are terrors to their mothers can step forward, be vulnerable, and expose their disgusting behavior. This is not easy, but I need the help!

You could start with ''How was your day?'' Thank you for posting and coming to this realization. Very bold to be so honest; very aware to recognize a need to change. That's halfway there. Nothing changes overnight. Stop yourself from getting the first or last word; listen when she's talking (even if it's boring), don't monopolize conversation, maybe pitch in where you never did. It's not always what you do; it's more about what you DON'T do. Keep it simple, even if you're right...sometimes no one wants to know. Good luck; you're already a great person.

I cried when I saw your post. This is exactly how my daughter treats me! but at least you realize it, my daughter will never realize that she is wrong. She is the only thing I have left, and I pray for her every day that God (Allah), please forgive her, please give her guidance. I feel that it is not completely her fault, her father influences her greatly with gifts and trips to places that I could never take her. She watched her father abuse me and she learned from him ever since she was little. Her father and I divorced twelve years ago. I feel that behaviors are learnt by watching and one can only learn from others not by themselves, and it does not matter what age. It is a very good thing that you have realized how wrong you are, that is the first step. Now you must slowly let your mother know it even if it takes a couple of tries. I know that you love your mom, now you must show it before it is too late.

OMG...I feel better knowing I'm not alone. I won't get into details, but it's sad we spend our lives providing for our kids and then they treat us like WE owe them! I don't know about you all, but I'm the bread winner and raised the kids. We did without a lot of things providing for the kids and my daughter treats me like poop! Sad....
Her college tuition was paid for...no debt except we she created dating different guys! Much generosity went her way...The ODD syndrome sounds like it fits her. Defiant at every turn! I'm going to spend my money on myself from know on! My Mom was my best friend. I never talked to her the way my daughter talks to me...never!

Ditto. Struggling with downsized economy but still paid for college and went to museums, ballets, symphonies, craft programs, made elaborate parties, decorated her room, went shopping spending time doing whatever she desired. She's always been defiant and now at 26 successful and rude. I'll tell her so; avoid conversation, etc. It's sad. I expect kindness. Phone, text, skype (although I'm 30 min away). Never happened. Jury's not out - but leaving most of my assets to animal sanctuaries instead of it all to her. I'm proud of her accomplishments but severely disappointed in her character.

Thanks Annakua for your post. It made me think about changing the beneficiaries on my life insurance policy (currently to be split amongst my three adult daughters). Like the other mothers who've posted, I too gave my all in raising them only to be ignored now unless they need something. Why should I leave anything at all for the two older ungrateful daughters who cannot even be bothered to respond when I've tried to call, text or email them? And the eldest even had the nerve to use the "F" word at me when confronted about unauthorized charges to my credit card! And this while she and her husband were living in my apartment for one year for free! I feel like such an idiot. I've stopped trying to contact them. I'm only in touch with my youngest. She is respectful and doesn't approve of the way her older sisters behave and conduct their lives. I think I'm going to leave it all to her! Those older two don't deserve another thing from me. They can go suck an egg! I'm through with being concerned about their selfish, entitled behinds.

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My daughter is14 and no matter what I try to discipline her for bad actions.she laughs about it.recently I learned she had relations with a boy.something I definitely taught her was wrong.she thinks what she did was.Ok.I'm done with her attitude.I'm sending her to DJJ for leaving house late at nite. HELP!

Damn straight. Put your foot down Mama and stay strong behind it. It, unfortunately, is the only way your daughter is going to understand that you will not tolerate her awful disrespectful behavior to you or in YOUR home. I had the same problem. It is hard....but as a counselor once told me, "If she claims to be an adult....then fine...let her be an adult. Remind her of that when she comes to you wanting something next time.

My 22 yr old daughter is attending college and working part time but has alot of credit card debt. She took a vacation to FL this week as she said she deserves it. Got a call from VISA and I think she's been charging on our credit cards.

Are things any better?

somewhat

I cried again as I read these posts. I have the same situation with my 23 year old daughter. Yesterday was her college graduation and it was the worst day of my life! I have cried all evening and all day. And, yesterday was Mothers Day, which made me feel even worse. <br />
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She is rude and very disrespectful toward me and only me. She is pleasant, polite to all others. I am not the mother of the year and I have not done anything for my daughter that any of you have not done. I am a single parent and raised her alone for 20 years. I have worked two jobs for 17 years to adequately support her. She has done without nothing. I always thought if her father and I were still together, she would have fancy clothes, a cell phone, trips to Disney, etc. Although my daughter does work and has had a job since she was 15, she still expects me to provide anything and everything for her. Thank you's are few and very far between. I have scrimped and saved for many years, basically having no life of my own. I love my daughter very much and she is all I have. The disrespect has been going on for 10 years. It kind of comes and goes. The last two or three years, the rudeness has been unbearable! She bought a condo and moved from my home about two years ago and honestly, I was relieved. She has a great job and actually makes more money than me! I have been extremely proud of her. Everyone just loves her and tells me how wonderful she is. Everyone does not hear how she speaks to me. I get yelled at constantly, belittled, made fun of, humilited and embarassed in public, degraded and the list of profanity is too much to type. Her father was MIA for over 10 years and now that she is grown, he is back in the picture. He is on a pedastal. But, I say nothing. I am glad she can finally have a relationship with her father and actually, he father tells her she should not be so rude to me all the time. I have to walk on egg shells when I am around her, afraid to speak most of the time.<br />
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Anyway, yesterday was her college graduation. This was a huge day for me as well. I have no college education. People like me don't raise kids that are college graduates and homeowners at age 20. I can't explain how proud I was and all the other emotions. Unfortunately, this all ended quickly. <br />
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An argument started because I did not make reservations for her to eat at the most expensive restaurant in town the night before graduation. She went there and was told they were full for the evening. My god, you would think I hacked off someone's arm. The yelling and snide attitude immediately started. This turned into me being humiliated inside another restaurant and walking out (running actually) crying. Then came the nasty texts telling me she was "sick of my attitude", etc. This ended in me not being welcome at graduation because "I was not going to ruin her day". I cried all evening and most of the night. I have worked very hard to put her through college. I know what you all are going to respond. She makes more then me so she can pay for her own college. I have saved since she was born to pay for this and I felt that was my job as her parent to pay and give her this opportunity that I did not have. So I did. I am a bartender part-time and I have saved many years of tips. <br />
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I go to graduation anyway. I sit by myself. I did get a text from her telling me I better be there or she would never forgive me. Looking back, I should have stayed home! I found my sister in law and mother after the ceremony. I spoke briefly with them. My daughter comes out of the arena with a few of her friends and proceeds to take pictures with everyone but me! I prayed for the earth to open up and swallow me at that point. I have never, ever been so hurt or upset in my life and I am 47 years old. Why would she do something so hurtful to me? And she smirked about it. I have previously made reservations for 14 of us to eat dinner after the ceremony. My sister in law asked if I was going and my daughter quickly chimmed in "no". I left quickly, not wanting to make a jackass of my self by going bezerk and grabbing her by the neck and shaking the crap out of her. I cried all the way to the car. I ate dinner on Mothers Day and my only child's college graduation day at a fast food restaurant by myself. Her father did text my and tell me he was sorry about all this - whooptie doo!<br />
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I met her in person today and told her she would never understand how much she had hurt me. This could not be fixed. I don't even have a picture of her on her college graduation day. I was done with the disrespect and I would not be dealing with it anymore. I told her I was very proud of her and I loved her. I did not expect a gold crown or throne but I do expect respect. I told her when she could treat me with respect, give me a call. I started to walk away and she had the nerved to tell me all this was my fault and I looked like an *** and made a fool of myself. <br />
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I handed her the gift I had bought a few months earlier. I bought an absolutely beautiful necklace and I bought her the "places you will go" book. I wrote a nice note to her inside the book cover. I wrote the note about two weeks ago because the note I would have written after the pain I felt after the ceremony would have been certainly different! I then walked away and left. This was around noon today and I have not heard from her. What do you all think? I have no idea what I have done to make her treat me this way. I am not perfect but I did the best I could. Three of her friends that witnessed this fiasco yesterday texted me and told me Happy Mother's Day and they apologized for her actions. Nothing from my daughter. I am so upset and so hurt. Do you all think we will ever get past this. Honestly, I am not sure I can ever forget about this. Your college graduation only happens once and it was a big day for me as well. She left college with zero college loans! And I left with my head down, crying hysterically, humiliated, and embarassed!

I am so sorry your daughter treated you this way. I don't understand my daughter either--she decided to skip her 18th birthday we arranged for her and often treats me horribly. If I have learned one thing over the years of going thru this....you have to quit beating yourself up and asking what you did wrong. As mothers, we do the best we can or know how to and one day......your daughter will perhaps be a mother and finally understand the pain she inflicted on you. Quit letting her belittle you. Quit letting her control your emotions. Right now...she is a selfish little snot! She will regret her decisions and actions one day.....just live your life. Find things that make you happy, surround yourself with good, trustworthy friends and quit letting your life revolve around your daughters or she will always control your life.

Thanks for the kind words. Hopefully, you will sort out your unfortunate situation too. I don't understand! My friend is having some issues with her 23 year old son. She said our kids were perfect teenagers. They just are going thru the teenage years being disrespectful later than normal. I hope we all make it thru!

I am sorry for what your daughter has done to hurt you. It will take time to let go. I have to go shopping a lot for myself and even went to therapist. May I give you a suggestion? Maintain your dignity and treat yourself special things, all the money that we spent on them was big mistakes. Buy things for yourself from now on. My newest improvement is that I have made up my mind not killing myself driving to/from > 13 hours to be at my daughter's graduation so she can laugh at me with her friends. She feels victory when she could have me wrapping around her figure. I used to cry in my car waiting for her to come out and talk to me when I was at her school campus. I recognized that I was abused by my own daughter most of times I came to visit her at her school. Thank you for sharing your story. Please take good care of yourself. I am here if you need someone to talk to.

This is pathological abuse. She has a personality disorder if she is getting a thrill from abuse. Get away from her. Save yourself.

Oh I do feel for you, we seem to end up with monsters which we obv never intended, I do often wonder if it's the same for the rich parents that send their children to private school or are they treated like roŷalty.
I hope things get better for you as you to certainly deserve it..

I'm sorry to hear that, but it sounds like you raised a spoiled little brat. This is the problem with American parents, you spoil your kids, barely discipline them and wonder why they grow up to be the little monster they are. I'm from the Carribean where from an early age, talking back to your parents is unheard of and we are rewarded for good behavior,not showered with things just to earn the child's love. Children are taught the value of money and the need to be grateful. It sounds like your daughter is an ingrate. Hav

Having been raised in America, I plan to instill the same old fashioned Carribean values in my children.

I don't see anything wrong with what you've done. Your story's so sad - but I'm glad you've shared it - it helps me feel like other good moms happen to fall upon abusive relationships with their daughters. That moment of humiliation should be erased. When you look back think of something utterly funny. This is a traumatic stress point and you must jumble it up. I went through a similiar disaster...heartwrenching. If you'd like I'd share but for now... take a personal brainwash to erase the pain. BUT DON'T FORGET it happened...she's capable of hurt. I force myself to stay clear of my own daughter for that very reason; toxic. Her dad's a quiet narcissist; and more fuel. Keep Distant and be well. You're a great mom.

mdtrixie...
I am so sorry that you've experienced all of this sorrowful pain and rejection from a daughter that you have loved dearly and supported.
Now as I read all these stories I don't feel so alone. If I were in your shoes, I would cut her off completely. In my way of thinking, I'd rather be alone than to be humiliated by an rejecting, abusive daughter. You asked, What did you do to deserve this kind of treatment? The answer probably lies in her own mythical thinking. Sounds like she believes she's better than you are, perhaps more educated, hence, she is maybe elitist in her thinking. Watch out when they start believing their snooty press. Academia sometimes exacerbates that delusional condition... That's fine, let her believe what ever her delusions tell her. Go your own way, (if you are a praying person, pray for her) and create a life for yourself that will bring you joy, however you can, as long as it is a healthy outlet. You are a child of God and He loves you and wants the best for you.

I don't think I would ever have believed it was possible to find a website like this...but I too have a daughter who just turned 20 a few weeks ago who is exceedingly disrespectful to both her father and I....

But our story started long ago when I had her at the age of 41. We were completely taken with our beautiful little baby girl and have loved her, supported her and have been there for her through out the years.
Sad to say however, from the beginning it seemed as if she disliked me, her Mother. When she was just a bitty thing of maybe 13 months old, her father and I would pick her up and hug one another and her and she would stretch out her little hand to push me away.
Of course we thought everything she did was "cute"

And so she grew...and as she grew she became more and more hostile to me, not her Dad, but just to me. Problem was, her Dad never corrected her and I told him if he didn't correct her, her behavior would get worse.

When she was 12 years old she would do things like ignore me. If I was standing two feet from her I would ask her a question and she would deliberately NOT answer me. Her father would be sitting right there but would not correct her. Naturally that kind of behavior unchecked will blossom into other things and so it did.

Today she is a very ungrateful, unappreciative young woman who is very disrespectful to both of us. When her friends are around, the disrespect seems to increase. It has gotten to the point that it is down right abusive.

Case in point: My husband bought me a new cell phone and I am learning how to use it. Her friends were over so I suggested that I take a picture of them all in front of the Christmas Tree....Well why did I even bother? Because I had difficulty using my new phone as a camera, she made a derogatory comment to her friends how stupid I was because I was "old" and can't figure out modern technology.

My husband took issue with that but neither one of us said anything as her friends were there and she just made herself look bad...but my husband's resentment was simmering.

Keep in mind - we do every thing for her. We took her to Maui, we bought her a car, we buy her her phone and pay her phone bill, give her money when she needs it...but life is always about HER. She never asks about how we might be feeling...NEVER. And when she does engage in conversation it is always about her, her hair, her makeup, her this her that.
At her prom a year and a half ago, I wanted to take pictures of her and her pretty prom gown and she acted completely disrespectful towards me.

Today it was horrendous. She had had her friends over for going on four days in a row! My husband was doing laundry and went into her room and there on her bed was a male friend, laying across her bed. He actually slept in our place without her asking us. My husband was upset from the night before and when he saw that guy in her room he was really steamed and so an argument broke out and there was a physical altercation. Her father didn't hit her but grabbed her around the neck and I was telling him to stop it and she ran into the living room and pulled down the Christmas Tree...It was just awful. (Her Father was never strict but very laid back and was a great daddy. There was no physical violence between her father and I either.) She grew up seeing two parents who loves each other and she knows good and well that we love her.

This has all been a build up of so many things. She has an entitlement mentality. She makes snarky remarks all the time, if you ask her to do anything around the house she either acts put out or that you are pulling teeth. She takes things from my bedroom and doesn't return them so I start to look for them and can't find my stuff.
She goes out and never tells us where she's going and is hard pressed to tell us when she'll be back.
If and when she does come to the table to eat with us, she has her cell phone on her lap and the entire time she is texting while we are all eating. She loves to blame us because she doesn't have a fabulous life where we own a home...We live in an apartment and have a wiener dog she dislikes and a bird she doesn't like.

Her language is terrible. She curses at us and tells us to F-off. She orders us around like we are house servants....AND she is not working so she does NOT contribute in any way to the house.

What is it with these kids and the abusive language? Is this an epidemic? I could never imagine speaking to my own parents flippantly, let alone tell them to F-off.

After this latest thing, her Dad told her to get out. She packed some stuff and left...for how long, I don't know. She has no real way to support herself and she is dyslexic so she has difficulty reading. I had an IEP for her in 4th grade through 12th grade. She is not a heavy academic, but I've always hoped in time that she would be able to improve or at least find a working skill that she likes. She did enroll in community college but now I don't know what will happen.

I do pray for her that in time she will understand that what she is doing is wrong, but I have a feeling that only the school of stressful hard knocks is what will be her best teacher.

Her dislike of me has gone on for so long that I don't feel deeply hurt any longer. At one time I experienced, even up until a few years ago, unbelievable agony asking myself, What am I doing wrong? Finally the answer came to me, I didn't do anything wrong. I did the best I could. Of course I wasn't the perfect Mother but I was a decent Mother. Hence, I grew a thick skin when it came to her. Now I can only pray and hope for the best.

I'll pray for you and your daughter too. I so hope that someday she will wake up. Some day you won't be there any longer...and kids just don't understand that when you're gone, that's it...there are no second chances to say "I'm Sorry" or "Goodbye"

Don't worry, you did the best you could and that's all you can do. And if you messed up here and there along the way -- SHE needs to forgive you. You didn't have to be perfect (not even God expects that from us) but you loved your child and I know how proud you must be of her having graduated college and having a good job. Look at it on the bright side, at least you aren't having to take care of her for the rest of your life! You can cut ties and move on...and I think that is what you should do and it would benefit you immensely.
Put a sign on your door that says, "Mother Doesn't Live Here Anymore" ... and someday, just maybe she will wake up and understand that she is no better than you when she becomes a Mom herself. Don't give up hope, but at the same time, don't hang your hopes on her coming around any time soon - if ever. I would not volunteer to do ANYTHING for her ever again. She doesn't appreciate it. Let someone else hang on her whipping post.

I do hope you let me know if things have improved for you and that you're not so sad...because I was struck by the hurt and sorrow you've expressed... Christmas time will be here in a few days.
Hope you're OK.

Best Wishes to you!

I could have been reading about my daughter. This is sick and wrong. It is almost like they view us as a part of their psyche or something and they assault us emotionally and I wonder if it's the part of themselves that they hate so they dump it onto the easiest target. I finally cut my collegiate brat of over a month ago for her manipulation and emotional abuse. Don't put up with her crap. I am appalled at her treatment of you. I would have smacked my daughter across the face had she spoken to and treated me like that and I would have probably told her to eff off in front of everyone. Have self respect! Don't let her abuse you anymore!

7 More Responses

my daughter destroyed my heart,and learned abusive behavior from a abusive cheating spouse.im proud and so hurt from the awful abuse mean words took my gradson away have no thoughts of my wellbeing demeans me humiliates me.ive never lower myself for something i never did wrong.im done i have no guilt and cry daily and have a wonderful mew husband.i gave up and trying to enjoy the true love i deserve,50 yrs old lifes short.we deserve it.do i like it no now i cry alone and try to move on.only a good mom can understand.im sorry that we are all going thru this so heartless generation.i lost my mom at 62 my best freind .brain ca. love your partner lust fullfill enjoy. love yourself and demand your new wellbeing to only people who love and except you .the real you.a very sad mom.

I had a same issue with my daughter and she is my only child. Her behavior didn't change since 14 years old. Now she is 22 yrs. old. She doesn't do anything in the house. She talks all the time about herself, never asked me about anything and if we got in the argument hers needs to be the least word. I have been called all kind of names and hat made me really angry. It becomes just unhealthy screaming relationship. She blames me that she is mirror of me when I fight with her father (my ex husband). I start blaming my self for her behavior and I am so helpless. Every mother love her kid and none of us wants to end the relationship with our kids but how to deal with??? How to make a healthier relationship? Why kids today don't have any respect to the parents? I feel soo helpless mother :(

help11...
Don't blame yourself. There is an epidemic I see among the young called DISRESPECTING their parents. It's hard to understand, especially at my age. I'm a little older then the rest here, as I had my first and only child when I was 41! So the age gap is even wider for me.
In reading all these stories I realized I am not alone. I am so glad I found this forum to express myself.
I ran down the line reading each post and thought,"Wow...I could have written this, this could be me!"

The worst thing of all is that in my age group, there was no one to go to . Believe it or not, many in my age group decided NOT to have children. Life becomes far more complex once children come. I remember trying to tell my friend who has never had children what it's like to have to deal with this kind of hurtful disrespect and belittling...and she just didn't get it because she never had children.

Don't believe it's your fault. At a certain point, they have to take responsibility for their own lives. I pray that things for you will grow better as time passes on.

Best Wishes!

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I'm sorry to hear that there are so man disrespecting, horrible, unappreciative daughters out there. I couldn't even treat my mother, even 1% of how my daughter treats me. My daughter has two, 2 & 3, which I have been raising and now she's finally coming around trying to be a mother to them. It's so hard because my grand babies area so used to my style of parenting, not yelling and complaining first thing in the morning, it progresses through the day. Now my poor angels watch how she treats me and are being taught how to treat people in general, which its going to create a rough life for them. It breaks my heart to see all that ugliness she has inside her. What's really sad, she always acts like she hasn't done anything wrong and can't figure why I'm stand offish with her. She's so dam lazy and her kids rooms' always a mess now that she's around more. My g. children had at least schedules and some order to their lives. Everything I try to get them involved in something productive, she's too dam lazy allow them to participate in things that are good for them unless of course it's her idea.
You know it's so sad to say, most of the time I can hardly stand her, but whats even worse, 2 babies being taught to treat me like that too.
So when you think it's really bad, there's always another story even worse.
I'm sorry I really can't offer any feedback, just pray all the time for her like I try to when I'm not filled with complete disgust from her recent and common behaviors. She's so full of herself and so inconsiderate of everyone and everything.
Sad, Sad mother

''and can't figure why I'm stand offish with her. '' SO TRUE. These daughters who feel it's there right to have their own personal scapegoat can't understand why their scapegoat isn't around! I do the same thing; avoid. I'll tell my 26y/o when she's rude but she never does apologize or even recognize. There's little alternative but to avoid to maintain dignity. If it wasn't the g kids i'd be the ex. Someone's always around to validate poor behavior. I disliked my mom but knew where the line was. These people have no reguard.

I'm at my wit's end with my 23-year-old daughter. She is already a single mother of two, with 6 and 7-year-old children. That's right, her first pregnancy was at the age of 16. Since then I have solely supported her. I pay her rent because there's no way we could live under the same roof. Just recently I told her that I can no longer afford the $900 per month rent and she'll have to find a cheaper place. You'd think that I just tossed her and my grandchildren into the street! She's also disrespectful, has been for years now. Can't count the number of times she's hung up the phone in my ear, yelling the "F"-bomb every time we talk because I try to make some helpful suggestions. It's truly insane what we as parents are tolerating. But, no more for me! After seven years and $80,000 supporting her I'm done.
She'll be 24-years-old soon, time to grow up and stop thinking that some part-time server's job at a restaurant is going to provide for her family. There's much more to this story but, I'd literally have to publish a book to get it all in. Good luck to all the other parents posting here. I can assure you, it's not your fault.

Wow, sorry to hear about your daughter's actions. My situation is actually reversed, my mother is the aggressor in our relationship. I'm an only child and I have been extremely supportive of my mother. I came to the U.S of A when I was 11 with my father, despite being sexually abused by a cousin, emotionally, verbally abused by my father, I came out strong. I'm in my 20s with a college degree and own my own home. I started working at 14 and sending my mother money in Haiti basically providing for all her needs. When I became a US citizen at 21, I started the process to bring her to the US. While she was in Haiti, I made sure she lived like royalty compared to the deplorable conditions everyone else lived in. I sent her money every month along with large food transfers, so she can share with others. I worked throughout my college years, so i can have enough to provide for her. At 23, she finally arrived in the US, by then I stopped living with a roommate and got my own apartment for me and her. When she got her first job at KFC, I asked her $250 a month for rent, she got MAD and accused me of being a bad daughter, when she was making $800 a month. I drove her everywhere, found English classes and did everything in my power to help her settle in a new country. She tries to impose curfews on me! And complains about just everything. She nags me, disrespects me and accuse me of being rude when I react to her nagging. Fast forward 2 years later she marries a man and we get a bigger apartment, she acts like I don't exist and showers this man with all her attention and pretty much ignores me. She picks fights with me and goes and report me to her husband who believes all stories without questioning. Every time I decide to move out, she promises she will change only to do the same over and over again. When I bought my home in 2013, she talked me into letting her and her husband move in, I agreed thinking she just might change her ways. She got worse! She doesn't think twice about yelling at me, I'm 29! I've asked them to move, they say they will but never do, I'm at my wit's end

My heart goes out to you. If only I'd read these posts BEFORE I had my daughter! Similiar rude remarks, 26, walked away from great job offers out-of-state to make her feel 'stabile' but nothing worked. She still has zero care in the world; all anger. I'm done.

Wow, reading your post made me say to myself "Did I write this?". Sounds so much like what I go through with my college daughter. We can get along fine, but then she can talk to me like I'm a complete idiot and call me names. Just went through this last night, and so I just went in my room as it was bed time, and she will head back to her college which is 1.5 hours away also. I didn't text her...she hasn't texted me. I just don't even want to talk to her. I am divorced from her dad, and I'd be perfectly happy if she just went to live with him during the summer when she's home from school. She does nothing to help out at home either. I'm sooooo sick of it. She's 20 also.

help i in same boat. i just keep enabling so i quit.ten min ago. i even ereased her number from phone...

I'm getting very close to doing the same thing!

Took her name out of Facebook and decided not reaching out to her anymore. When people asked about my daughter, I asked them right away about their family so I don't have to cry and feel sorry for myself. Go on vacation and buy nice things for yourself from now on. Keep yourself in good shape. Lost our daughters but we have health.

Your stories sound as if I wrote them. My daughter is 21 and, right now, I do not want to be around her. I have tried so many times to communicate with her and giving her opportunities to tell me how she feels and why she continues to treat me so poorly but she refuses to talk and will shut down at the slightest hint of her being accountable for behavior. This is not the daughter I thought I was raising..I did not treat her or others that way. I am at my wits end and some days I want to 'whiteout' my name on her birth certificate. (Lol)
My heart is broken and I feel so unworthy as I have based my worth as a person / woman on being a mom.

Wow that's my story except my daughter started at the age of 12 and I thought she would get over it but she almost 18 now and treats me like a piece of sh*t and she knows more in life then me. I can't take it anymore. My older son knows how she is cause she talks to him the same way, he told me to kick her out of my house if she refuses to give us(mom & (dad) respect! But I'm scared if she can make it on her own. Can you help me on what to do? I'm at my wits end. It will get physical i know, she's already slapped me in the passed. Some one please help

If she EVER hits you again, you call the police. Would you allow some lady in the store to slap or hit your without calling the police? Most certainly not. Do NOT allow anyone to treat you that way. Your daughter is out of control and she needs a reality check. She would not get away slapping anyone else without repercussions--teach her a hard lesson now or she might just slap the wrong person with a gun one day. Then what?

If she is 18...give her a timeline to have a job and place of her own. Let her know that she will be asked to leave sooner than that if she yells, calls names or treats any family member with disrespect again. Spell out what disrespect is. If she is anything like my daughter....she will decide she don't like those rules and leave on her own. It took her a bit, but she got on her own 2 feet pretty fast when she was forced to.

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My heart is breaking not just because what I am going through but to find out there are others dealing with this insanity...I was so frustrated today March 09, 2014 that this is what I googled...Is there anyone out there that has a 19 year old daughter who calls their Mom " A f------ Piece of ****! This is after I removed her clothes from the dryer that we share will a family downstairs in the duplex where we live, she had interrupted their laundry and all I did was take hers out there where dry and put them on the kitchen chair because she has both laundry baskets in her room filled with crap, I went to her door told her they were done and she stormed into the kitchen grabbed all the clothes screaming why did you do that I don't want you to touch my things or put them there, then went to the laundry room still screaming at me so the neighbors could hear and removed their clothes that I put back in the dryer, threw them on the washer and put her's in saying the quote above. This is just one incident out of many. Last night she flipped me off in the grocery store in front of people, told me to F OFF and stormed off like a 2 year old. Honestly she was the best 2 year old, never had a tantrum, but when I went back to work when my son was 8 months old and she was 4 because her Dad was not trying to support us and I was not going to be out on the street everything changed. I worked 2 jobs for 11 years to support his lazy *** and my kids only for him to turn her totally and utterly against me. I have been thrown in jail by him (unjustly at that) because I wrote a letter to him in 2005 telling him I would leave if he did not step up and that I would not take the kids but provide support for them. Instead he showed it to my daughter who was going on 10 years old and said to her that I was leaving them with nothing and that everything that happened from then on was my fault after a confrontation with him about our kids being in the neighbors tree at 11:00 pm at night he called the police and used my daughter to say she heard from the other room me slapping him. He has manipulated me and my kids for so long and continues to this day either indirectly or directly. About a year ago she, my son and I where driving home and we were arguing about "Her needs and Her Life being all f'd up because of mainly me and her father, all I said is no one asked you to be here and your brother doesn't want to deal with it either, she jumped from the passenger seat, put both knees in my chest, pinning my arms with her legs and feet and proceeded to choke me, I barely got out my son's name saying she is choking me and at that same moment she pressed so hard against my wind pipe that it stills bothers me to this day. I finally had enough and my 14 year old son and I packed everything up and moved 800 miles away. Then the manipulation started again with suicide threats and previous failed attempts that I was told by her father and her where all my fault only caused me to make the wrong decision again to bring her into my home again. Now my son is so disrespectful as well, he is going through puberty and I am sure he sees how vulnerable, stupid and that I can be manipulated by my own emotions that he does not see the wrong in it. I constantly fight within myself not to just end my life because it does not seem to matter to anyone and I am being forced or letting myself be forced to be a way that I am not. I have no courage, self esteem or the desire to do anything put either leave again, maybe not take my son with me this time or end my life. At this point it is leaning towards the end because I cannot live with abandoning my kids and I don't see them changing at all. I wish I could help myself and all the other parents out there who feel the way I do........Even though I don't know you I send my love and prayers that you have worked through this. Broken Hearted

Dear Sandiwest,

When I read your post, I hurt for you and your daughter. She is in so much pain and you as well. When I read your letter of complaints, now I see why she acts the way she does. I am not here to make you feel bad about yourself. All I need for you to see is that you are playing the victim. Your daughter is the victim. First, I would not put up with her abuse. You do this out of guilt. Your daughter needs confirmation that you did cause part of her painful childhood. Don't scream at me. I feel it already. Here is why I say this. You wrote this:
About a year ago she, my son and I where driving home and we were arguing about "Her needs and Her Life being all f'd up because of mainly me and her father, all I said is no one asked you to be here and your brother doesn't want to deal with it either. I am surprised that, that is all she did. C'mon... really... You told your own daughter that you say you love, that I don't care and your brother does not care? How I (your mom) screwed up you life. WOW! REJECTION, REJECTION, REJECTION!!!!! Do you not have any ownership of your break up with her father?
Okay, I got that off my chest. You need to kick her out of your home and get some control of your emotions. Really ask yourself why???? Why do I let her rule my life, Why do I let her control me? Every time you pick up the phone and speak to her and she starts to yell at you, HANG UP! You do not deserve this abuse and only when she is not upset, you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter and it is vital to tell her that you are sorry for screwing up you her childhood. You chose to marry him and you chose to leave. This is what you wrote to your husband? WOW!! I wrote a letter to him in 2005 telling him I would leave if he did not step up. When you wrote that letter to you husband back then and he showed it to your daughter. That was wrong, that you wrote it in the first place and that he showed it to her at age 9. Obviously, you thought that he took great care of your children, otherwise you would not state in the letter that are going to leave them with him. You have to show responsibility for your actions, too. Did you not leave?, did you not write the letter?, did you not tell your daughter that what she thinks is not important? You have balls! You know you sound like a chauvinistic woman. I see that he hurt you and deeply at that, you did great by getting out and taking care of the family. Seems to me is that you were ashamed of him and your position in the marriage.
THERE IS HOPE!!!!! You are the one she has been beating up for all of that. She has to feel important, but she does not have to live with you or down the street. When you moved, that was another slap in the face to her only because you do not show to her that you have any ownership in this matter. You and her can have a good relationship, but you have to submit to your faults. If you are still saying to yourself, how dare this woman say this, then you are not ready to have a better relationship with your daughter. I care, that is why I wrote this. Baby steps, but the first one is to apologize and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY...

Sincerely,
behonesteveryday

I appreciate your thoughts, but even though I did not write everything that has happened, I have taken sole responsibility and have had countless talks with her about how sorry I am for the way things turned out and my wrongs. I never tried to make her feel that she was at fault in any way. The turning point was the physical and mental abuse by her for over 8 months that she brought onto her brother and myself, the incident in the car was after I had taken her to buy make-up, photography supplies for her as well as taking her to submit applications and I don't really see how my comment justifies her rage to where she tried to choke me. It seems like I can never do right by her and that it only makes her more angry at me if I try to help her or give her what she wants. My son and I were living in fear that she would make good on her threats of suicide and still do to this day. Her father takes no responsibility and only blames me, manipulating her as well as through her to me. He can say and do the most horrible things to her but she always goes back to him after she has completely destroyed our lives, leaving us to pick up the pieces and move again. Speaking of my son (soon to be 16 yrs) has never received a phone call from his father asking him how he is (but my son has always done so, just not lately) or sometimes in the past when my son would try to talk to him he would completely ignore him. I never said I was blameless to myself or my kids and their father has constantly reminded them of this in screaming rages since 2005! My comment was out of anger and frustration which continues to brew every day. My son says he loves her but he is just tired of it always being just about her just like her dad, he feels like it will never be right with them because they don't care how he feels and what affect they have on him, that they only care what happens to them and what everyone (especially me) is supposed to hand them and when you don't do what they want or say what they want they result to rage and abuse. I keep trying, keep providing and I keep getting the same results usually worse than before. I blame myself for allowing the manipulation and for failing at every thing I have tried.....why do you think I feel like her now???

P.S. The letter to my ex stating I would leave the kids with him, was a meaningless threat to him because I knew he did not want the responsibility and that maybe that would make him want to try and fix things. Not that he took great care of them, as my daughter pretty much raised my son from diapers while I worked. Their father spent most of his time on himself. The letter was my last attempt after years and years of talking (11 to be exact) with no results.

I will say something from experience :(=== people do not tell you when they decide to commit suicide. It is a cry for help, not suicide. You are surrounded by toxic people that is ripping you and your impressionable son apart. Whatever you do is up to you, you just need to act now and not be around your daughter. You and her brother is paying the price. I have a question. Why do you allow your ex-husband and daughter to rage on you over the phone? It took me many years to figure this out for myself, too. Luckily, I was only 25 and my entire world changed for the better. Try it. What do you have to lose? What?
By the way, the rage within, is from no one listening or confirming your feelings. All the details are up to you...I am a believer in Christ and He loves you and cares about you! This prayer is for you. If you believe, say it out loud, over and over. You are not alone...
Sincerely,
behonesteveryday

Heavenly Father,

Please help me to dwell on the good and the positive in my life. I know that it is You who examines our hearts. Search the inner depths of my heart and expose anything that is not of You so I can be set free of it.

Lord, where I have directed anger toward others in my life or held anger inside of me, I confess that as sin and ask You to forgive me and take all the anger away. Heal any wounds that I have inflicted, through my words and actions, in others and myself. Help me to speak sweet words and healing, for I know that pleases You. Where I have shown anger toward others I confess it to you as sin. Bring Your restoration to every situation where it is needed.

Thank You, Lord, that You will redeem my soul in peace from the battle that is against me. I believe that You, the God of peace will crush the enemy under my feet. Help me to live righteously because I know there is a connection between obedience to Your ways and peace. Help me to depart from thoughts of anger and bouts with depression; help me to seek peace and actively pursue it. Thank You that You will take away all anger in me and keep me in perfect peace, because my mind is fixed on You Father. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

It sounds like you are really struggling through all this and I can see why. I have had issues with a very troublesome daughter too. I found great help, clarity by going to a counselor. You can't control what other people do or say. You can only change how you react to them and the problems in your life. I understand this now. You can't let others actions control your emotions or how you react. Only you can control that...so get some help from a professional counselor. They can really help you sort out the fog in your head, which is caused by depression by the way--as well as stress.

Don't wait......your words tell me you are thinking way too much about suicide. There is help and there are wonderful, caring people to help you regain your self esteem and create the life you desire. God bless and best of luck to you.

3 More Responses

Cut her off!!! Its just going to get worse if you don't. Trust me I've been there and 10 years later I still have to have the threat out there that I'll turn my back if he disrespects me. Kids like that don't change. She's a sociopath. Look it up and you'll find her there.

I agree. Mine is 25 and has not changed.

Mine is 28. She's living at home. Can't move out. Has to many student loans. She does work and feels she doesn't have to do anything at home at all. It's very rare if she does anything. She's sloppy and lately has gotten so disrespectful. I just can't take it anymore. It upsets me so much I start to cry. My husband barely does anything. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm at my wits end. It's very sad that I'm happier when she is not home. I don't want it to be that way. I really want to kick her out. I need my sanity. I feel like nobody cares.

I am going through this with my son. He has shoved me down and I put him in jail but he still disrespects me. He is 17 years old. In Alabama u are considers an adult at 18. I thought about kicking him out when he gettable 18 if he don't change. I have told him that and he still acts like he don't care. I love him but I can't take it anymore. What should I do? We are going to mental health already but it don't seem to be helping. He seems like he is getting worse.

I too have a disrespectful 27yr old daughter who's been this way since 15. We took her to a family counselor who said not to break the lines of communication with her even if it comes in the form of written dialogue. Well, she refused to listen or put forth any effort to correct her rude behavior. Sure she made good grades, graduated cumma sum laude, etc., etc., but continued to be disrespectful towards me, and pitted me against her father who doesn't know how to say NO to her as much as I had, he always giving in to her demands that I refused to...in other words I refused to reward her bad behavior but because her father was not a witness most of the time to her behavior towards me, she would counter that with charm to him and he began taking her side because she made the grades...which didn't benefit me whatsoever, only her. Recently she had a baby born 3 mos. early, something she'll never believe she brought about when it was clear how stressed out she'd been during the whole pregnancy, taking on projects that burdened her and wouldn't get proper rest. She was constantly throwing up every meal on top of that and only has one kidney which put her at high-risk for toxemia, which I feared would happen if she didn't relieve some of the stress that she was in control of. I never give unsolicited advice or lectured her. I only defended my character to her whenever she would assassinate it. She would interpret that as a personal threat to her. She's never taken ownership of her own misbehavior and I fear her tiny daughter is going to be the one to suffer for that. She claims I was an irresponsible parent. I let her know that an irresponsible parent is one who lets her children starve while she goes to the store for a pack of cigarettes, which I never did. An irresponsible parent wouldn't go to the lengths I did to get justice for her brother I lost. An irresponsible parent wouldn't pay for her college education student-loan free. I was never verbally abusive to either of my living children, but she is towards me when her other brother is not. She's denied letting me hold my new grandchild, only allows her father to. When I went back with her to see the baby, she blocked the isolette and I couldn't even touch the baby. And this after she told me she's been more than accommodating to me and trying to facilitate our relationship for some time. Seems to be a contradiction here, huh? Actions, though, speak louder than words. I've let her know several times what I will not tolerate from her anymore as I had for years, and each and every time she is disrespectful towards me, I leave or walk away, refusing to explain myself to her anymore. Because I'd done that before the baby was born, she's now using her child as a form of revenge along with my bad smoking habit. It's always going to be something for her that will justify why she refuses to be respectful. Before that, she used the death of her brother against me, saying I emotionally abandoned her. What I did when I couldn't be there for her emotionally is make sure someone who could was there. That's what a responsible parent would do. I know I won't be able to be able to spend time with my grandchild if I don't take steps to make sure she doesn't come in contact with my smoking. But I've taken those steps....I don't smoke whenever I leave home to head to the hospital, I even take a shower and brush my teeth in addition to not smoking on the way. This wasn't enough for my daughter...she's demanding I quit completely or not have a relationship with her child, even when she says she wants me to have a relationship with her....contradictory once again. I am also aware that if I want to see my grandchild that I'll have to go to her home until I successfully quit smoking. Until that time arrives, I've decided to put my foot down once again and have let my husband know that if we don't form a united front, she'll continue to be disrespectful towards me and my choices, no matter what they are. She's been so focused on the negative with me, that there's no room for seeing all the positive I'd provided her throughout her childhood and could provide to her child. I'm sorry, but I'm done. I've stopped going out of my way for her anymore and if I have to live vicariously through my husband to have any sort of contact with my granddaughter, then so be it. I just can't bring myself to be with someone who doesn't respect me as I deserve. I can count only two other people who view me in the same light as my daughter and I no longer have a relationship with those two people. I've decided that my life is worth more and have taken on other tasks and will only surround myself with positive, loving and caring people that brings me great joy and happiness. Is it wrong for me to do that and allow her to continue to alienate me as she has for years? She says she'll never come to our home again now that she has a child that can't be around a smoker at all...not even if they smoke outdoors. I reminded her awhile back that she's entitled to her choices as I am mine and that she'll need me later more than I need her. That just makes her more mad, so I stopped speaking to her altogether if this is always going to be how she reacts to constructive criticism that she's always subjected me to. I take full responsibility for what I say and do, not how others choose to react. Frustrated and hurt...Mom of 2, grandmother to 1!

She's not perfect is she? She might think so now but if you stand your ground you will be a lot happier in the long run. When she does realize she needs you and comes around you'll get some respect. Don't be a door matt to see the child. You'll be glad when the child grows in to a monster. Trust me it's so much worse when the kid starts treating you the same way. It's just not worth it. I'm glad they're gone. Let her bestow her expert parenting skills on the little one. That will be the best medicine. I've lived it and the kids are horrible people that aren't welcome anywhere because their behavior is so bad. Their not even welcome here because they (tried) treating me badly like my child does. They know they can come but they also know they can leave as fast as I can say go home! Don't take it just because it's blood. Lots of needy kids out there that would love you. Put your faith in God. God bless you.

This sounds exactly like my house. It has become a nightmare and I hate being here. I made up my my mind long ago that I had to get out of here but stayed because of my elderly mother and finances. Ive been single the last 8 years to focus on caring for my children and mother. I did my best moving them to better neighborhoods and schools taking them on a yearly cruise trying to buy them the things they want. They have been disrespectful for years and to a point where they dont do anything around the house and dont dare ask them to do something twice it becomes a world war when our tempers colide. I feel really bad that I dont control myself better but I cant deal with the disrespect. This past year has only gotten worst. I work 3rd and came home one morning to my oldest in my bed sleeping with some guy and some arbitrary guy sitting in my living room. She aopologized only to do it again. Granted my middle child is in college early and I want the best but they stay out all night sometimes for days. Bring random unknown people into my home with my mom and youngest daughter her. So now in addition to their behavior were afraid to be here and are moving because of it. Then when you try and say anything they flip the script on me. How im putting them out knowing they have nowhere to go but I cant tell. Recently they posted a video on instagram in my car with friends which they know I dont allow holding up drugs. I have no clue where they are and ive cried all night till my eyes are swollen. My 18 year old packed her bags and left last night. Im heartbroken and prayed that God and my kids forgive me for any of my wrongdoing at the same time im still over it. I think its only fair my youngest and I have some peace.

GOOD CALL!!! Take control back of your life, and your daughter needs to take her place as the daughter not the mother. I had to tell my daughter to go live with her father!!! I've had it!!!!

Yes ma'am, i think you have made the right choice. I too have a disrespectul bratty 18 yr old daughter that i have HAD IT with. My daughter has a 16 month old daughter that i love with all my heart, and i will never let that baby go hungry or do without, but as for my daighter, she has said F YOU to me for the last time. She went and got huge ugly tattoo on her upper arm, living in my home mind you and i pay for EVERYTHING for her and my her daughter. I told her if she goes and gets that tattoo, she can fend for herself and I meant every word of it. I want to have a relationship with my grand baby, but my daughter can stay at her fathers!!!!!!!!!!!!

parents...older parents dont know what the hell to do....its sad...really is....even at twenty..
its a phase, she or he will grow out of it... maybe something traumatic happened and your not the person she or he can speak too. I always tell my son , no matter.what it is, its ok. nothing is too surprising, im here for you, 24/7 no matter what!sh it happens..lol...gay? oh...ok. I love you.dr can increase your testosterone, since your father sucked as a man, like father like son..and well go from there.....ohhhhh good hate u too,.when you were 6 months n ruined my date by crying all night, I left the window cracked, your soooo spoiled. you know what come here...smack!!!!! that felt great...ur turn...smack!!! omg devil child,.I'm
having you locked up!! &when.ur bf comes over, ill pretend im.you, since im 54

Hi while I sympathise with you I also see that this problem will never end unless you do something to shock her !!
As you mention you pay for all her things she is 20 but still does not contribute to anything ! Her lack of respect for you is certainly not acceptable ! If I were you I would sit her down and explain as she feels she's an adult you would like to speak to her like one and state your points where she must contribute to help and a part time job whilst in college if she is to be still living with you and tell her she has been behaving unacceptably and that her lack of respect for you had better change or she will have to live elsewhere as you won't tolerate it anymore as she is treating you like one of her student friends not her mum !
That will surely shock her system but you have to be firm and mean it > pack her a bag if you have to ! This situation surely must be resolved by you or your son will think this behaviour is acceptable for him too and then look out. It will also start to make you Ill.
Best of luck ,

I totally understand how u feel n I know it's really not nice. My 23 yr old daughter has a 5 month old baby & a new boyfriend of nearly 5 months. She expects him to spend every weekend from Friday to Monday sleeping and living in our sitting room. Then when we do say here love is he going home tonight.you can see her turn soo nasty!! He stayed all over the Christmas without been asked by us. I was soo peed off one day I stayed in my bedroom for 3 days then she came in and said to me I know you like your own privacy etc so if you just give us a thousand pounds well be out of your face!! She's soo checky and disrespectful to us. She's tearing our family apart! Then she looks at me like I'm trash and says ha there's 1 word for you Darling and that's Abortion!! Just because I was 16 when I had her. Buy she Never wanted for anything, she got too much yes she was probably spoiled. I never put my poor Mother through that I was gone when I was 18. It's like a no win situation and when she does go out she won't even say if she's not coming home she just waltzes off and doesn't even make up the baby bottles, or leave us with his proper soother and he's teething like mad!! And yes she did try for the baby very hard. Its like if things don't go her way watch out!! I know she's going to to leave as soon as she can and I know if she could go foreign she would ( cars she doesn't want her exs mum n dad to have anything to do with the baby which means we wouldnt see him either! I could go on and on but Im just too tired and depressed. Shes here now her bf had to go home until tommorrow so she wouldnt even leave the baby downstairs in the sitting room she took him straight up to her bedroom. Im sick of this carry on and the only way I have out is to get a loan of a grand Would I be mad?? y

Hi I think your missing the point completely it's your home isn't it what right does she have to treat you like that and demand £1000!!
I think she should be looking for a new place to live > friend or wherever it may be she will certainly see a difference may be then she ll start appreciating what you have done for her x

I totally agree. If you give them an inch, they take a mile. Once I told my disrespectful 21 year old daughter I was arriving home at 6, however I came home at 5 only to find my entire house trashed, friends lying everywhere , and they didn't even care or move. It's as if my house was theirs. Then they kept sleeping over & I sent my daughter an SMS saying, sorry, your friends cannot stay over anymore. Now I'm the enemy & they think I don't like them. Also now she sleeps at her friends home. I hope she is told she can't stay there. It's as if most kids that age are the same. No ambition or realistic goals. I think they have to see how third world countries live.

As a 25 year old who, at 20, was similar to your daughter, I just say that you need to stop babying her. Stop paying for everything. I'm in school full time and working full time at an hourly wage with a second part time job. I pay all my own bills because one day I realized that I would never learn how to be an adult as long as my dad kept coddling me. I quit taking his money, period. I let my credit cards go into default and went hungry for a few days and learned my lesson. Now, I have only one credit card left to pay off, all of my bills are paid on time, and I don't go hungry. If you let her stay in your house, she needs to follow whatever rules and regulations you set forth. If she doesn't, then she needs to realize that, by choosing to be grown, she will have to live within HER means, instead of YOUR means, which you have worked for for decades. She needs to understand that she is not entitled to your standard of living unless she is living in respect of your rules. She is entitled only to the standard of living that is within her means, if she wants to be "grown". Conversely, you need to let go of her situation, which is hard. My dad hates letting me take care of myself, but I couldn't stand the spoiled brat I had become. Hundreds of thousands of college students each year have to pay all their own bills and attend their own classes simultaneously. For the record, my GPA is 4.0; my apartment is 400 sq ft. I have no cable but hefty wifi; I no longer use a credit card for any reason. I have electric, water, cell, car, health insurance, car insurance, renter's insurance, and school expenses, plus a social life. I take at least 12 hours a semester and work between 40-50 hours a week, walking away with 1.5-2.5 K a month. I do get about 4-5 K in loan and grant refunds, because my GPA is so high but, all in all, I live right at poverty line. I work hard, but my life is mine. I am proud of myself for the first time in years. Don't deprive your daughter of that opportunity. She is at the age now where her behavior is no longer your fault. She's an adult and she should act like it, but if she is coddled, like I was, she won't. I had to have a massive religious experience to figure all of this out. I was an ******* to my dad. Now, the biggest struggle is that he's not satisfied with my lifestyle; it's not extravagant enough for him and he wants me to let him pay for it to be better. I don't want a lifestyle that is not mine, that I did not create. I am satisfied with working hard and being some one of whom I can be proud.She may thank you for it one day, she may not, but, ultimately, that's her blunder or progress to make, not yours. Trust that you did a good job with her. Trust that she is a human being of whom you can be proud, who can take care of herself. Don't underestimate yourself or your daughter. Humanity has survived for millenia; I'm pretty sure your daughter can make it for a few decades. Be confident in your ability to love well; it's innate. :)

Wow. Reading your post was very encouraging. Thanks for writing it. I wish more young women of your generation come around to your mature level of thinking. I applaud your efforts to be self-sufficient and make it on your own. I'm sure you already know, but your dad sounds like he's just being a loving dad who can't stand to see his beloved child suffer. I would feel very proud if you were my daughter. I wish you much future success in your life.

I have an adopted daughter 32 yrs old now, mother of 3 married, very well educated. She left my home at the age of 14 to live with her dad, I agreed to it, she was only 6 blocks away. He was very good to her no rules, everything she wanted( thats why I believe she left our home) I even spoke to the family doctor and he agreed that it would be good for her dad and she. Now 17 years later she accuses me of abandoment and that living with him was a living hell. She denies she has relatives in the area where she lives.My husband and I have tried to be a part of her life but she wont let us babysit or have the children alone at our home. She now won't even go to her dads home has told him he needs to divorce his wife then she will visit. She now is telling me that her husband of 12 years does not like us, that we know just by his actions when he is around us. The word stupid has come from his mouth in our presence. his mom seems to be perfect, they even let her live with them from time to time. I am calm about this as I have apoligzed so many times for what i dont even know. Any ideas/

I finally found out what my daughter suffers from. It fits her to a tee! It's called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD...I laughed at the acronym), comes before Conduct Disorder and Anti-social personality disorder. Now that I've pinned down what it is that keeps her so on edge and disrespectful to me when I don't even live with her anymore, I can now make changes within my control to avoid upsetting her. It took my husband to finally put his foot down in order to allow me to see my grandchild and start enjoying being a grandmother as I should have from the start. Everything seemed to have changed overnight it seems once that baby was home with them 24/7 instead of at the hospital where nurses took care of her most of the time. It took only 2 weeks for her and her husband to crack before she was calling us to come and give them a break. I told my daughter I'm only doing this for the baby, not her and her actions will decide how long I stay when they're around too. I'd already warned her many times that I'll accommodate them for a limited time until that baby becomes mobile. Then I call the shots on whether or not I'll come to their rescue. I think my daughter is finally getting it. But I'm not holding my breath. The newness hasn't worn off yet! :-) But look up that disorder. I bet your kid may suffer from it and not even know it. My husband just said the other day. I don't miss not having our daughter living here. I do, miss our son, though, who lives with our daughter to help save on room and board at college since she only lives a mile from his campus. He knows how to filter better than my husband and I and has a good relationship with her, which we would never discourage anyway. But wait til he tells her he won't help her with the baby when he lives right there. I'm just waiting for that call now to come! :-) She cannot expect him to do what she didn't do when she was his age. It's just not respectful or even remotely conscionable, not to mention considerate of her to ask that of him! Oh well...maybe once you know what you're dealing with, you'll get to know how to combat it in a more calmer and less stressful way. I'm just glad I found out more about this because it's just not NORMAL behavior from a well educated, professional young woman who was raised in a stable home. Hope this helps you and others that read this! I've found many children suffer from it starting in their teens. We, as their parents, have to make adjustments once more in teaching them how to treat us, instead of the other way around!

Wow she sounds like my 25 year old son. Same story different person. I've often wondered if my son has some type of mental illness. I called him to talk and give him some advice he just talks over me, and drones on and on about how him smoking cigarettes is the reason he can't work..... ha.... laziness is his real reason. He only calls me or acknowledges my existence when he needs a place to stay or money. This time I said no! He said " so you want me to be homeless?" I said " no I don't want you to be homeless, but you're hell bent on being homeless, so be it" I shut my door to him and pretend he doesn't exist because I've been to hell and back with this kid, and nothing works, he's manipulative, and selfish, and I'm done, maybe him being homeless for a time it will finally sink in he's got to get up everyday and go to work like normal people Gawd knows we're not royality, or a rich celebrity

I have a 35 year old daughter who moved in with her teenage daughters who talk back to her and disrespect her and are just out of control. I clearly told my grand daughters that there will be none of the behavior in my home. Then my daughter , starts speaking to me in the manner in which her daughters speak to her....asking me why ? , when I tell them a new enforced rule! After weeks of holding my tongue because emotions are high and tempers are short and not enough room in any house for two families.. My daughter and I start a conversation and because I tell her a few painful truths about her , she gets offended and then we are in a screaming match , to which my husband advised her to leave, take your attitude and disrespect and leave, you will not speak to your mother that way in our home. I told her that if I was supporting her with her children in the area of disrespect and manners , then the rules apply to her as well, because I am still her mother.....she has since fixed her attitude because she knew she could not come back to this house with her old attitude still intact. Tough Love!!!!

I have a barely 18 year old daughter who has been a mom for nearly 2 years. I dont like my kid how can this be. She treats my grandbaby as if she is an inconvience. The baby was born with an infection at 9 months old she almost died and now her mom acts like she is damaged because she has a bloodclot and needs daily meds. I get so angry with her disrespectful hateful ways acting as if I owe her because now that she is 18 I dont owe her anything. She and the baby live in my home for the babys sake.

I'm sorry to say this, but your daughter is a baby who had a baby who cannot take care of a baby. Her mind is still trapped in her teenage years. She doesn't know what the word "priority" means. You are right when you say you don't owe her anything. She should consider herself very lucky to have you and for you giving her a place to live for her and her daughter. I go through the same thing with my 24 year old daughter. It kills me when I see my daughter treating my 3 year old grandaughter like she is her soldier and my daughter is the drill sargent. I hope things work out for all of you. Take care and be well.

This daughter of yours need spiritual deliverance. Her behavior is not normal. Too much anger she has some self searching to do. Praying does heal brokeness. God bless you both.

I am also having problems with my 20 yr old granddaughter who lives with us. she was ordered home to talke care of her animals and when she got home she demanded an apology and when she was told that there wasn't going to be she slapped her grandpa who him and I both raised. he had to grab her arem jhst to stop anogher one. she has been a great kid til today. my husband wants to evjct her. she has a job (3 yrs). what the heck do we do

I HAVE A DAUGHTER 22 AND HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME IN 6 MONTHS NOW AND WAS A VERY DEFIANT TEEN AND TRIED EVERYTHING TO RUIN MY LIFE OR MEN THAT CARED FOR ME...IT HURTS BAD I CANT CALL HER OR VISIT SHE ATS LIKE IM DEAD AND IT'S SCARY.... :(

Wow!..I could almost swear I was reading my own life story!..same situation here with my 21 yr old daughter is that she lives at home..and I go through this everyday..:(

I think some of these young adults, still acting like children mistake our kindness for a sort of weakness. "No" is an answer they need to hear.

Find another job besides being "mom" to your daughter. Be busy and unavailable to her. Point out to her that the relationship challenge isn't about her being an adult now, the challenge is about you having been the parent then. We can not erase the fact that we parented these "adults" and the balances will never, ever be even. I fell that way about my mother. I could never be on an even par with her in any way because she is my mother, she birthed me, wiped my butt, fed me, housed me, taught me, tolerated me, etc...the tables only change when she is quite elderly and may need me to care for her. But in America, that rarely happens.

We are the sandwich generation, trying to care for our older kids and our elderly parents at the same time. Social service is a bad word now in America. If you go on-line, you will read piece after piece about people in their 20s taking longer to get married, taking longer to have kids, etc...More of them living at home. Our generation has had to pick up the social slack caused by the economic recession. A bunch of Wall Street dopes made this a very hard employment market for young people and we, the parents are paying for that and being told to shut up and take it.

I have found the best revenge is finding some type of activity or job that I really like and just being busy when my smart-ars daughter who knows everything wants me. I'm planning on being busy until she either goes to school or gets a job. Even kids who go to school now don't get a real education, a broad-based liberal arts education. The education is all geared toward corporations and not humanity. Student loans are unaffordable for many kids and even if they manage them, there is no guarantee of a job once the kids are out of school. Crappy, tough world economically right now for those who are just starting out.

Good luck. You sound like a bright, caring, devoted parent. Take time for yourself. Go get a massage. Go out to lunch with some friends. Walk in the woods.

Wow! I thought my daughter's behavior was bad until I read these posts. To everyone with a grown child at home: I highly recommend the collaborative drafting of a cohabitation agreement to include communication, cleaning. division of costs and chores, house rules and expectations. Consequences also need to be clearly defined and expectations and deal breakers listed in detail. Ideally this should be done BEFORE the adult child is in your home.

The problem in many of the situations posted here is the child wants adult freedoms and childhood entitlements. As parents we are behind the eight ball on this deal. We lose in every way. We become enabling targeted slaves to an insatiable man/woman child master/mistress who seems hell bent on the direct pathway toward self destruction.

I'm 67 years old and have raised my daughters daughter my granddaughter since she was 6 months old she was conceived while my daughter was doing crack and my granddaughter was born crack addicted and courts placed 2 of 6 in my care the rest else where ... my daughter passed away in 2008 from lung cancer... my granddaughter has been shielded from all the terrible things I have cleaned up and hid things and made her feel as though she were the one... she has always been demanding she is a graduate and will be 18 in September... my dilemma is her disrespect for me... we do nothing but argue she tells me off in more ways than one to the point where I had to call the police because she tore up my house holes in the wall broken nick knacks doors off the hinges and so much more, while the police was on the way she slithered out the window... I would not let her back in the home for a week I wish I was stronger because it has only gotten worse I cry all the time she doesn't work she is up all night sleeps most of the day and leaves at a moments notice to go hang out she says won't tell me with who or where calls my husband to pick her up and he goes I too don't know what to do I want her to move and told her so she says no you get out... so Feed Back yeah not from me because she drives me crazy too what to do before you head to your grave pray for strength to just make it though the day ... No one can help you only you can...

These teens 2day r so disrespectful n ungrateful it's amazing how we once had a loving relationship. I sacrificed 4 my kids n my daughter 20 yrs old is ungrateful n a mother. B glad she moved out. My female dog won't move n i wish she would so she could c what independence is really like. The thinks the world owes her bcuz her father is a crackhead deadbeat ***** donor but she takes her anger out on me, like i was the crackhead.

I will pray your therapy goes well and helps you. We can't control what grown adult daughters do. Most of the time I have a hard time figuring out why in the world they do the stuff they do and they can really make you feel bad. You need to take care of yourself and try to put the burden she causes into God's hands. He can and will help you...that is what I am doing with my daughter right now.

Omg our stories are exactly the same even down to the age and gender of our kids!!! I just want her to leave I am so over it!!

Yeah, why don\'t they leave if they don\'t like us so much?

My daught is 35 married and is the most disrespectful, miserable *****! She could not care I dropped dead today. I have done everything for her and her family. I havent seen my 2 grandkids, I have to make an appointment to talk to my grandson, and my granddaughter doesnt even know who I am.

It\'s amazing how these girls keep wishing us dead. Do they not know this will all come back 2 them? Dumb behinds.

It has been 5 years - does it get better?

It will only get better when we as parents take action. I know this is much easier said than done. I've done the "waiting for it to pass" or some outside force to make it better. It's generally only gets worse as the kid matures Ok, it's hard, uncomfortable, goes against your parental instincts, may leave you guilt ridden and may leave you (temporarily) in far worst shape emotionally and otherwise. Look how many post here are dealing with 20, 30 and even 40 year old children making their lives unbearable. Show them the door and be prepared to back it up with a restraining order. No excuses and no bluffing. As a parent, I know how hard this is, hell, it's not even easy to type. But if you take this off the table, you may be condemning yourself to years or decades of misery. This my opinion, but I believe it's an option many need to take to initiate real change. I pray it's an option you never have to take.

i took the opportunity but i had 2 tell the female dog i hate her n it was easy 2 do bcuz she has been saying it all along about me on Facebook n 2 her friends 2 the point that they were tired of hearing it. Im enjoying not having her here. My 7 year old son misses her. I don\'t know why, she treated him very badly. Dumb behind.

I agree, they need 2 get lost. If they can\'t respect mom n in some cases dad, their butts need 2 go. If u big n bad enuf 2 mouth off at ur mother, carry ur butt out the door. Don\'t talk crap n go in the room that im paying rent 4.

I am really tired of my 25 yr old daughter. I have helped her so much. She was born with bilateral cleft lip palate. I had a very abusive upbringing so I tried very hard not to treat her that way. I did not beat her or slap her when she probably deserved it. Strong willed child. There is so much to say. And still she takes advantage of me and thinks she is my mother.

Are you sure this isnt my house you're talking about? I have the exact same scenario only mine has a 15 month old son that lives with us .......

Ywas, so called grown-behind girls with a kid living in my house. Two children.

My name is Mark. I am a dad to a 19yr daughter. I am also a Husband. I hate my life. I have worked since leaving school, with a few breaks inbetween. I have provided and built my house and home and my family wanted for nothing. I am now 50yrs old .. getting tired more easily than I used to and dream of little else but leaving my selfish and at times frightening kin.

My daughter does nothing literally nothing. She quit school at 15 and has not worked or helped around the house in any way. Her attitude to wanting to work is shameful, deeply shameful. Recently I heard her talking about not wanting to work, and something along the lines of why should she work when she doesn't have to. It was deeply disturbing to hear so much so I died a little bit inside. I could not believe such display of a wanton beligerant attitude. It was crass, crude and vulgar show of self love, that I had not seen much in my life. It lacked any humility

I come home from work everyday at 5.30pm and she is still in bed the only proof of her activities is the mess in the kitchen when she cooks for herself, the plates in the livingroom and worst of all the cigerette butts in the half empty cups of tea.

The other day she called me a ***** and a **** several times. Her insults to me stabbed deeper than any knife could. Her mother stood by and pretended not to hear, in fact she turned on me.

I asked her to get dressed, I took the remote control of her and said either get a job or get dressed. It was Saturday morning at 12pm. She was on the couch, downloaded a movie and she had just gotten out of bed. I could hear her demanding that that her mother make her breakfast and she did.

I am one of those people who look and pay attention to whats going on around, listening but ignoring the ugly aspects of life, hoping it will pass quickly. I think I have ignored too much and the ugliness of my family has bloated. It was a shocking awakening to see how my wife and daughter had become the sort of people you generally only see on the lowest television american shows.

I wanted to run away so badly.

My wife is a drinker. I dont drink. My wife will put herself and her drinking before any good. She will not talk to anyone while she is drinking and now my daughter drinks with her and together their standards are so low it has made me feel even lower.

The other day was a beautiful spring evening, I was walking the dog and quietly praying. I came home and found that my daughter was watching the most foul and digusting movie, it was full of violence, terrible and frightening presence in my home. The language was offensive **** and degradation filled my ears. It was meant to reflect life in the inner cities..it didnt.

They hadn't noticed me walk in. I was dumbfounded and so deeply saddened that this was my home and it was being invaded and even more to my own shame I could not do anything to change this.

I have a sense of urgency in me now a sense that I must leave this house. I share this house with two other adults who display no geniune warmth, think only of themselves and have become unkind, cruel and thoughtless. They want only what they want.

What can I do? I cannot leave and start again from scratch at my age.

I feel a sense of paternal obligation to them both. I feel responsible for them and leaving would be a sign of weakness and failure on my part. I have secretly prayed for death to take me away from this, but I know that is not the answer. I have secretly prayed to meet a true and loving companion.

Omg i thought i was the only one who wanted 2 die from crap like this. I am the mother but my 20 yr old daughter is like urs except she has a 2 yr old son. She is such a female dog that it\'s hard 2 confront her bcuz when she sucks her teeth, gets an attitude it goes in her room m slams the door

I'd insist she (the unstable fertile kid)show me proof of long term birth control like an IUD application receipt before she spent one more night under my roof! You don't need any more unplanned grand-babies to support and worry about.

I want 2 punch her out.

If you are the only one working/paying the bills, you might begin by cutting the cable service. Shut that time vampire down and maybe those two will do something productive, besides sitting in front of the infomercial machine.

I feel for u, my daughter is 31 and makes me feel like I don't exist, I am 50 and lost my job so now I feel trap
I don't know what to do.......
Some I think what's the point in life, after all the sacrifice we do for our children and I did many, and now if I was dead she won't even notice..

There are support group meetings for people who have family members with substance abuse issues. It may not be easy to go to at first, however it is amazing the support you can get if you can just make yourself go those first few times. something to remember, it is always good to try to heal yourself before you get into another relationship.

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Thanks now I know I am not the only one. I hate it when everyone talks about their relationship with their daughters and I always felt forunate for ours being great but was it really, or was I thinking it was or making it that it was. What causes these girls to be this way!!???

They\'re female dogs, @ least mine is.

Your story and the others here are very familiar.
I was in a similar situation where my 24 yr old daughter would try and control my life 24/7. If I resisted she would become irate, screaming at me as if the devil was inside her. Many times she would grab me so hard I would be bruised for weeks.
I finally had to choose to live my life and space myself away from her after another embarrassing incident occurred in public.
It was hard to distance myself at first, but later it was so liberating! To be free from my bullying daughter has allowed me to regain control of my life. I was a prisoner locked in an abusive relationship with my own child.
I still keep in touch with her and continue to help her with her tuition and rent but she no longer has the power to bring me to tears. When she begins one of her childish fits on the phone or texting I just hang up and refuse to respond.
Maybe one day she will learn how to properly control her emotions but I've chosen to be happy and have taken back the power that I allowed her to cause me so much stress and heartache for so many years!

I have been upset for about the last week or so. My 35 year old daughter decides she wants to get to know her mentally deranged bi-polar ( all comfirmed..not just my opinion) dad that physically abused her when she was 1 year old and lost all of his visitation rights. Of course I could go on about other stuff he did to me personally which I did tell her about just a few years ago...not when she was younger. She has a boyfriend who hates me because I told my mother not to give him and my daughter money to bail them out of a jam they got themselves into. In stead of listening to me my mom went and bailed them out and then went ahead and told them I TOLD HER NOT TO...Thanks MOM for all your help. My mom passed away last year and within two hours of her death my daughter , oldest son , and nephew were helping themselves to everything that was technically MINE in my mom\'s apartment before I could even get over there. I never dreamed they would behave like that TWO hours after their grandma passed. When my daughter told me she found her dad and was talking to him on the phone I did not act upset because I think that\'s what she wanted. She started off by saying this is probably going to really make you mad or really get you upset BUT I have been talking to MY DAD. I calmly replied Oh no....that\'s fine...but it isn\'t fine. It isn\'t right or fine. I previously told her he is not right in the head and also told her where she could go and see reports from court to back it up. As soon as I calm down I will be fine...but will I ever really calm down...I am heart broken

My female dog knows better than to touch me or my 7 yr old son. I would beat the crap out of her.

After reading your story it has made me feel not so alone ..
I have been on my own with twins a girl and boy who both got through uni ..
My son has been very abusive and have had my arm bruised from to to bottom .
He has a flat now But l still have my daughter at home I'm in tears mist of the time by the way she speaks to me .
No respect swears just tonight burst into the lounge shouting abuse becouse put her throw away razors in bin in bathroom I thought she didn't want them .
Perhaps I should be stronger but find myself crying most if the time and feel so alone in at my wits end l love her very much and want to be part of her life but can't cope with thus mental abuse in 58 and trying to run a home taking in students to make ends meet . And don't know what to do

i have a 32 year old daughter also that shows me no respect, she is a taker, an only child so yes i spoiled her. i watch all three of her small children (i am in a wheelchair with MS) and come the holidays she goes into 'combat mode' and then i dont see my grandchidren for all the holidays. i have tried to have her sit down and discuss things with me but the first thing that i mention that she is not in agreement with or that ****** her off she jumps up and bolts. well, i decided this past Christmas that i was done with all of it. i have to move on. the youngest grandchild (2 1/2) will go to all day daycare and the 5 & 6 year old will be in school with after school care going forward. i am heartbroken over the way she has treated me. also adding to the mix is a selfish, jealous husband who has never wanted her to spend any time with me or include me in their lives. i am just gutted and i have decided i cannot participate any longer in this dysfunction. they are both high paid professionals but ask me for money twice a year (at least 10K) for vacations. i must have been nuts for the past 10 years. it will be painful not to see my darling grandchildren but i have to drop out of this painful one-sided relationship.

I am reading this as my married 32 year old daughter slumbers in the room next door to this. She and her husband have been visiting for the holidays. I recognize every single word you wrote and the story of my challenges with my daughter. She lives across the country now and so I rarely see her face to face. However, since she arrived here last week she has directed what will be served (she and her husband are vegans), and although she helped with the shopping and the cooking, she has wrecked my kitchen over and over again and I have had to spend hours cleaning up. She brings her spoiled neurotic dog along and he bites, growls, and messes everywhere. Between her and her husband, they leave a trail of clothes and shoes all over our house. I kept my mouth shut about it all, because nothing, nothing, has ever worked with her. You cannot tell her anything. If you do, she makes you pay. I told her, when I got very frustrated, taht she should take her dog out the back to do his business. I did not say it calmly because I'd had it with his toileting all over our front walkway. This resulted in her screaming hysterically and telling me that years ago when she graduated she promised herself she would never put up with my abuse again. Oh my god, how she can act it up! All I can say is tomorrow we are taking them back to the airport. I love her, but I cannot stand her. She is a *****. I don't think I made her this way or let her get away with anything. She was just difficult her whole childhood. I love her but I don't like her at all. By the way, she also talks nonstop about herself but can't tell you the names of her friends' children. Doesn't know and doesn't care. So you're not alone.

Dear Takencare. Ur openness /frankness gave me some consolation in a weird way. I am at my wits end with my 16 & a half old daughter. from the day she was born till now, she has been a self willed rebellious child. She does not take kindly to any authority. SHE TAKES EVERYTHING and gives very little she said we brought her into the world and is responsible for her, even when she is fifty ys. o. It has gotten to the point where she is telling me to shut up when I talk to her. Today l told her to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE ......I HAVE<br />
NO FEELING OF LOVE TOWARD HER AT THE MOMENT I FEEL BLANK, as though she is dead. I injured my health over the yrs trying to curve her behvr hoping she would change for better -NO! She is gainging momentum in devilish ways. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! BE FIRM! BE CONSISTENT! PRAY MUCH! GOD WILL GIVE US A BREAK THROUGH IN TIME!

In a sad way it nice to know that you are not alone, my daughter fall in to the same category as all the responses I have read, I don't know the answer but I don't feel so alone, and I agree that we have spoiled them, and it is time for them to stand on their own two feet

I guess I have to agree with you. Just reading some of these stories is making me feel a little better. You don\'t want to think that your very own daughter that you love so much could treat you like a worthless piece of crap but mine does me. I can\'t correct her kids no matter what they are doing...I am not allowed to tell them they are B_A_D. That is a negative word not to be used around her two brats....oh did I call them what they are? Excuse me....they are so B-a-d that I can\'t stand to be around them for more than two hours if that. She makes me so upset that I can\'t even pray about it. I know this is wrong because I am handing her control actually over myself. It is a sad sad state of affairs.

I suspect that kids are like pets in that Ceasar's rule applies to both: there are no bad dogs just inept owners who provided inadequate training.

I can relate,my daughter is 37 and very unhappy,as hard as I have tried if she is happy meaning if she has a man paying for her luxury car bags,clothes etc then she can be pleasant sometimes.She has since she walked out on her husband for a much older man been constantly unhappy.I have raised her then 12 yo son now 16 since,she has her 10 yo daughter 3 to 4 days a week.She is so disrespectful to me I am just about to disown her.She whines about her bad childhood,Her father died when she was 3 and I have been with her stepfather since she was 4,she went to private schools we lived in the same Victorian 14 room house for 30 yrs,family vacation several times a yr,season tks to professional sporting events.Dinner every evening yada yada.I have decided I am no longer going to allow her to talk down to me and critisize every thing I do.She has made me so miserable and sad I am sorry I gave her the power to do that.Recently she has encouraged the grandchildren to chime in,Maw Maw complaines maw maw is paranoid,Maw Maw never helps her out,I finally realise I can't allow her to make me as unhappy as she is,It's almost Christmas and because she is on the outs w/the boyfriend it has escilated to the point,I am packing up and leaving them all,No way am I putting up with another miserable Holiday because of her.She has been kicking me around for years and I am planning to just ignore her,I am going to go see my elderly parents whose company I really enjoy.Good luck all of you,been there,still there.Getting outta here now.

Don't let her force you out of your own lovely home. Let her leave! For what it's worth, I would have traded my life for your daughter's in a second. To have a lovely safe stable home, a devoted mother who cares about me, private education, she doesn't realize how great a life you gave her! She's lucky and I am jealous!

This all sounds firmiliar :-( , what is a mother to do???? My drama queen is 19 and I'm worn down, now she's in collage , her 2nd year and yes I've now cut her off other than $75 a week for food and I can't wait to stop that , she's def from the entitled generation . Good luck to all of you and god bless !

<p>I can relate to what you're saying takencare as I have a 27 year old daughter who is a spoiled ungrateful brat and I take full responsibility for her behavior, well, to a certain extent of course. I think that we are somewhat to blame as we tend to spoil them way too much. Ever since she was born, I offered her opportunities that I didn't have as a child and It made me happy to pay for her piano lessons, dancing classes, cheerleading, name it, she pretty much has tried it all. I now realized that she doesn't appreciate anything I did as she takes everything for granted, as if I owe it to her. I feel that the source of our confrontations are mainly due to my divorce cause that is when hell broke loose. She got into drugs at 16 and she changed drastically. She was a straight A student and then, couldn't care less about college and began to flunk. She didn't pursue her studies and today, she has a good job but we keep getting these silly confrontations that turn into drama. I've received tons of emails from her since my divorce, nothing but bitching of course and again yesterday, she sent me this long email filled with harsh words as if everything is my fault so I got really angry and I'm so fed up of listening to her complaining about me being a lousy mother. Yep, kids are ungrateful and she certainly doesn't appreciate all the sacrifices I've made for her, trips to europe, helping her out financially to pay for her apartment, furniture, etc etc etc. Well, I have had it. I sent her an email today and told her that I will no longer read her emails as I don't deserve to be treated this way. She hasn't replied yet, and as much as I love her, comes a time in our lives where we have to think about us and let them fly on their own. As I was reading your story, It was as if this is something I could have written so my only advise is stop being so generous cause they don't appreciate it. I don't know if I'll patch things up with my daughter, I hope we will but I will not tolerate any longer this constant nagging. Good luck to all moms out there, its one hell of a tough job !!!!</P>

Claireybear21. Your a child that has no idea what it means to be a parent. Adolescents is a very confusing time for everyone, despite what type of parent one is or had. I know of many people that have been exemplary parents that for some reason or another have had an out of control child as a teenager. It's just what happens to teenagers ( not all) but many. Your comment seems pretty Self - Entitled ( not untitled by the way) by accusing all the parents here for " Making their own beds". So are you going to be the person that blames YOUR parents for all of YOUR problems? Cause that's what your saying right? We all made our own Beds! So good for you. You won't ever actually have to take responsibility for anything you do because Your parents raised you and it's their fault. Right? Think before you post something you have no clue about.

Maybe you should take your own advise, it's just my opinion which I have a right to. And I'm sorry I didn't realize that it I was just suppose to tell her what she wanted to hear.

I know I'm pretty late on this but you raised her so no offense but you made your bed. Stop blaming anyone but yourself and take some accountability. This is the problem with your generation taking about this generation as being lazy, and self-untitled. Stop bitching, your all the ones that raised your kids to act the way they do. Maybe you should be spending the time figuring out where you failed as a parent, instead of getting together and bitching about problems that you all made.

You must not have any kids and are bored and just make these stupid comments that you know nothing about! Maybe you should adopt some kids and raise them the best you can and get a ( Reality check, Hello)....

I raised my little sister because my mom didn't care about anyone but herself. And she is an amazing person now, never had to deal with any of the problems everyone here is complaining about. So get your facts straight instead of assuming you know everything.I'm just saying that it is sad reading all these and none of you take accountability that it might be something you have done or are doing. I stand beside what I said earlier

I have a 18 year old daughter that has done nothing but disrespect and lie to me on a constant daily basis at least for the past 4 years. This year alone she has had me evicted from my home and almost sent to jail on drug charges that were against her boyfriend. I have lost everything I've ever owned she has told numerous lies about me to family and so called alleged friends and none of them were ever proven to be true. I too have Congenital Heart Disease, ive had 3 heart attacks in the past year and half, and one of them was in my daughters arms. She still repeatedly lies to me, and Ive had to realize that I can no longer live with her, i cant trust her, i do not believe her, when i confront her about her lies,all she does is yell at me in my face, accuses me of being a drug addict (which i am Not) I have a very severe heart condition and she knows I would never do drugs. I am now in therapy in order to cope with the betrayal, and hurt that my daughter has caused me. I will always love her, but i dont have to like her.

She will know how difficult it is when she becomes a parent and her child misbehaves. Right now I suggest you try and keep as little verbal confrontation with her. Use as many closed ended sentences as possible. Don't make her the center of attention. Focus on yourself and perhaps your 14 year old son who may be getting ignored because you are so stressed. It is very difficult to leave your own daughter on her own to make mistakes and get into trouble however you are being too hard on yourself. You are doing your best. You have raised her. Yes she is an adult, so are you, so if you treat her with respect, she must too. The type of relationship does not matter what matters is that one individual must respect the other in words and action. She must command your respect. Why don't you try to be a little diplomatic. Pretend you are listening, but don't take it too seriously. Try and socialize more. Be less available for her, perhaps when she realizes you are busy and have little time for her, she will understand your value.n If absolutely necessary be there. Does she say thank you when you sit and spend quality time with her, guide her, advice her, help her. No, right? The why should she ever hold you responsible if she messes up. Let her mess up a bit. You are a good mother.

shame on u mom u need a good spanking over someone,s knee to wake up n then u need to take that naughty bratty daughter over your knee n pull her panties down n spank her good n hard n take a nice wide hairbrush to her butt to get her to respect u n listen to u !!!!!!

I've done every thing I could possible do for my kids.. I have a 28 yr old daughter and a 22 yr old son. Both of them had similar behavior as you described. I finally had to remove myself from them... meaning... I did not engage in the smart remarks...rude behavior. I completely shut down. When they did not get an argument or a "scene" from me... they had to change... I did not give them an emotion, a dollar or an argument. They were both grown....I cut them off. Now it is "I love you mom, how are you Mom and do you need anything" I see them occasionally....but when they ask me what happen, I said I had to work on ME for a while.

I am 43 yrs old i have 2 kids and my daughter shes a 19 yrs old and she had already a boyfriend but i do not like the attitude of her boyfriend. Because he is purely rude to me when we talking my daughter towards her boyfriend's attitude shes getting me mad..and she said she did not concerned her parents.and she threw me some bad words and i was amazed for that how's my daughter to learned that ethics its so confused towards that and my son 15yrs old that was my birthday and i was amazed that he wished me to die as soon as possible..please help me some advice and with presence of mind and always have a strength to handle this.

Forget your daughter and raise your son. Your daughter wants to be a big girl. Cut her off for eight weeks. No rent money. That's 2 months she must be responsible for. No paying the phone ( and I mean suspend her phone number if you are paying for it. I have done this, and you can. too), utilities, no food, beer, clothes money. None. And tell her not to call home. You need to focus on your son and allow him to have some peace. Show him you value his home life. Tell your daughter that she does not have to like you or love you, but if she is to receive anything from you at all, it will be because she behaves (not necessarily sincerely) respectfully to you and your son. And let her know any whiff of disrespect behind your back, and she will be financially cut off for twice the time. Trust me, she will learn faster than you can imagine. If she crosses the line, you will only have to act on this once. I promise.

Stop giving into her drama

Good luck to all. My daughter came around. Stay firm, consistent and make sure she knows she is loved, but that the behavior is not acceptable and that she must leave. Then follow through, in love.

PLEASE ANY IDEAS ...I,M DESPERATE

I HAVE A HEART DEFECT BESIDES OTHER STUFF WHICH CAUSES CONSTANT PAIN , MY GRAND DAUGHTER IS 17 SHE LIVES WITH ME ,,SHE IS SUCH A SLOVENLY GIRL I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE IS SO LAZY,,HER MOTHER WASNT AND NIETHER WAS MY OTHER DAUGHTER,AND THEY BOTH USED TO HELP AROUND THE HOUSE WHILE THIS GIRL DOES ZILCH ..SHE DOESNT EVEN KEEP CLEAR HER OWN PERSONAL SPACE? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH SOMEONE SO LAZY IF I TRY AND TACKLE HER ABOUT IT HER VOICE WILL GO OVER MINE SHE CAN BE VERY SARCASTIC AND RUDE ,,THEN HER VOICE SCREECHES LOUDER AND LOUDER ITS HORRIBLE ..ITS EMBARRASSING TOO...AS SHE THEN SOUNDS LIKE A DEMENTED PARROT...I LOVE HER BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE PACKING HER STUFF AND TELLING HER TO SOD OFF..AT THE MOMENYT I HAVE CHEST PAINS I HAVE A HEART MONITOR IN MY HOME...WHATS THE POINT,THE DOCTOR SAYS AVOID STRESS BUT HOW CAN I WHEN I .M HAVING TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT CARE THAT THEY CAUSE ME SO MUCH STRESS? IF ONLY THE HOSPITAL KNEW WHAT MY FAMILY WERE REALLY LIKE.....

My 18 year old daughter is giving me the same rash of crap on a daily basis. She lives with her girlfriend and the mom (the cool mom). Her girlfriend's mom is a "friend" mom to her children, not a PARENT. I am a parent who expects something of my children in this household and since they don't like it, they leave. My oldest daughter blew out when she turned 18 also. She's now 26 and we have a pretty good relationship, for the most part. I have been a good mother and I won't put up with my 18 year old treating me like garbage. I liked someone's comment about telling them to "go get another mother." Looks like my daughter has done just that - she treats her girlfriend's mother with the utmost respect and friendship. They giggle around me as if it's all some inside joke. Am I jealous? HELL NO. Pissed, yeah. Her girlfriend's mom is a hot mess who is clueless about parenting. She gets all my daughter's time, love & affection and I get the ****** end of the stick every day. Well then so be it. She is graduating HS in June and heading to school in NYC in the fall. This mother won't be crying over the empty nest. I love her, I want a relationship with her, but not at the expense of my feelings. She has gone as far as told me she hates me, hates being around me, hates the air I breathe. I am not her friend, I am not her peer, I am not her equal. I AM HER MOTHER. I raised two great kids - conservatively on material things, but heavy on love, respect & attention and they both ended up treating me like garbage. The 26yo only started coming around to being civil when she was about 24. We raise our kids to let them go - we don't have to have validation for everything we've done for them, that's what unconditional love is. However, we deserve respect and if we aren't getting respect and cooperation in our homes, then they need to move on and live their own lives and let us live ours. My daughter's know I love them and am here for them.

There are so many teenagers young women with this, ... should I call it attitude. They are generally self pitying people who have no thought for anyone. Generally evey teenager goes through the attitude phase, But they need to put in thier place. I have 2 childern. Both adopted. I love them dearly but I donnot feel that they are concerned about me in any shape or form. I am on my own just recovering from cancer. <br />
I WAS NOT ASKED IF i WOULD LIKE A CUPPA NOY EVEN A BITE TO EAT. bUT WE CANNOT BLAME THEM WE MUST BLAME OUR SELVES. aT THE END OF THE DAY WE HAVE MADE THEM WHO THEY ARE.

I was adopted at 6 wks. I had no issues growing up and was raised in a loving home. I treated my mom like crap for no reason from about the ages of 14-17. She put up with it and kept on loving me. I searched for and found my bio-mother when I was 36. She's a lu-lu all right. I never doubted where I was meant to be and loved both my parents dearly. Sadly, they are both gone. I've been quite lost without them! As if orphaned! They were always there for me and I didn't appreciate either of them until I was in my late 20s. I have discovered the older I get, the smarter my parents get. We just have to have patience with our teenagers and know all the good parenting will come to fruition.

It occured to me this morning that being an adopted kid, my parents could have tossed me back whenever they got fed up with MY teenage crap - and I dosed out a huge amount of crap-attitude &amp; disrespect from the ages of 14-17. The fact that they kept on loving me is a testimony to not only their resiliance, but their devotion to parenting and love for me! I was so fortunate to have been raised in a loving household. My kids had a good mom. Don't doubt or blame yourselves when your kids make poor choices. You tolerated their terrible twos, tempestuous threes, tantrums at four. We got through all those "first days of school" - crying as we watched our babies age, knowing it would all go too fast and then one day, they wouldn't "need" us any more. Think of these rebellious teen years as just another stage of our childrens' development and keep on being a parent! The time to be their "friend" will come as they get closer to 30.

My daughter is 17 and has a daughter (my grand daughter) Im at my wits end with her.. she curses at me everyday, calls me names, and slapped me before. my grand daughter is terrorizing my house and my daughter refuses to get her out of things, i dont blme my grand daghter at all...shes just experiencing life, but i call thi lazy parentng, I also have a 14 yr old daughter and 9 yr sn. my 14 yr old is starting to treat me like my 17 yr old. shes learning it from big sis and thinks its ok. i want to kick my 17 yr old out but i couldnt do that to my grand daughter......im stuck between a rock and a hard place here...please help!!

LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY. Your granddaughter is not your responsibility, she is your daughter's daughter. Let her take care of her. Your daughter knows that you are an emotional fool and so she is taking advantage of the situation. Focus on your other kids and let the others know that you won't tolerate wrong behavior. What is your 17yr old doing raising a small child, when she herself has a lot to mature. Loads in fact. Let her take care of her daughter, if she needs your help let her come to you. Don't go running. She CANNOT slap you. Absolutely cannot. Do not let the grand daughter terrorize YOUR house. Your house, Your rules. Please don't behave HELPLESS. You are obviously independent and raising 2 other children. What is your daughter doing in your house. Let her fetch for herself. She has no respect for you or your feelings. WAKE UP. Please. Don't feel guilty, you are doing your best. Don't get into verbal confrontations, don't stress, taken it easy. Have fun. I think you guys should have some more fun. Get your other kids involved to help and you back off a little.

I remember seeing this Tatem O'Neil movie made in the 70s. After losing her parents, Tatem goes to live with her aunt in England. Since Tatem is an excellent horseback rider, she takes her aunt's favorite horse out for a ride. When the aunt finds out she is furious and immediately rides out to find Tatem. After they both dismount, the aunt walks directly over to Tatem and slaps her very hard, and asks her how she dared to do such a thing without asking permission. Tatem is initially stunned and hurt, but realizes soon enough that her behavior was unacceptable and that she had brought this on herself. After that, she is much happier, grows to respect her aunt (& vice versa), and is able to get on with her life after losing her parents. This was an excellent portrayal of the ages old cycle of transgression, punishment, admission of guilt, improved behavior / attitude, and finally acceptance back into society. Sorry if it offends you, but I put the outrageous behavior of so many modern daughters squarely on the shoulders of feminism, progressivism, and political correctness. Beginning the late 70s, feminism progressively took over the k-12 system in the US. On the one hand, feminists wanted a kinder and gentler educational system that engaged students more, which I totally agree with as a Doctor of Education. On the other hand, feminism and its spin-offs ‘progressivism’ and PC, began to take all challenging, difficult, or embarrassing things out of schools. As a result, along with easy As, teachers as 'friends' who have no authority, and no consequences for bad behavior, young women particularly are now constantly and disingenuously praised, and told they can do nothing wrong, especially as 'empowered women'. Our whole permissive society has turned our young people into whiny, spoiled, and self-centered brats. Having been raised without discipline (& a spanking when needed) and without the proper guidance to become hardworking, intelligent, and mature adults, of course many young people feel as if their parents and society don't care. The sad thing is that parents all this time have been trying to make the lives of their children better by giving them everything. But, we somehow forgot precious childhood memories like having to work long hours to earn something we wanted, or having to behave respectfully to get an opportunity for we which desperately begged. These memories are not precious because we were able to buy that bike that we always wanted, or because we got to go to the zoo that day, they are precious because our parents were providing for us what we needed (even if painful) and teaching how to earn what we wanted (even if painful)--this is the ultimate definition of love for our children; it was then and it is now. So, go ahead and slap the bejesus out of your bratty daughter, and tell her if she doesn’t start acting respectfully she can just fend for herself. Good luck and don’t blame yourself too much. If you were some horrible mother you wouldn’t be so concerned about your daughter’s welfare. Time for her to start being concerned about and respectful of yours. Be confident and don’t back down! Cheers.

I agree with all you said. And, my daughters were raised by a mother who unfortunately, due to divorce (first husband, married to younger daughter's father), does not truly value men or marriage. Eldest daughter got married last year and boy does she dawg him around (just like I did to HER father at HER age). Needless to say, I found myself a single mother at 26 with a 1 year old. Second husband and I raised her and our daughter who is now 18. We have a descent marriage but I still don't really like being married!

I to had a problem with my daughter. We were always close. She had a daughter 15 years ago and 2years later a son. Beautiful kids I was so lucky. Well she needed to return to school to get her nurses degree so I agreed to help out so I worked only part time and helped with day care and keeping her house up. When she gratuated I was so proud of her. She had done well Up until about 8 years ago we were close.My husband her step dad had sold his home in another town and wanted to have a home build outside of the town we lived in which meant travel time would be 45 minutes instead of 15 to 20. I told her I could help out on occasion but by now both kids were in school and I wasn't really needed. She started to become cold to me. because I had a new house and not in the right location. I thought she would be happy for me. Gradually she started saying comments like I have friends to do things with not you. I felt like I was good for nothing. She started running with some people that thought they were it! Was I jealous ? Yes plus confused at how she just could throw me away. Now the kiuds one inhigh school and one in middle school and I seldom see them. Twoi years ago I came down with cancer I wanted her support but what I got was someone trying to control me and my decisions. I knew then she was to close to the situation and maybe she was scared. I was too She was anurse not a doctor and I couldn't even talk to her about it or she would act like I knew nothing. So it brings us to here and now I love her and miss our closeness but she has changed so much with so much drama in her life trying to control others that I don't know what to do? I saw my Grandkids 3 times last year guess she thinks it is catching? She is bitter about life. My doctor says only be around normal people no drama ? I have accepted my condtion an d am presently doing o.k. I've had two major surgerys in one and half years but would love to be close again I guess I now understand why seniors feel like they're bothering kids. I just would like to see them before it's to late!

Wow I am having sooooooo many problems with my daughter (14) that I don't know what else to do. She's extremely rude, raises her voice, rolls her eyes, ignores me...I can go on and on. I pray for her daily because I do believe that Satan is out to get our precious kids having strongholds against them. I am a strong believer in God but I am literally going nuts dealing with her behavior. We caught her sexting!! Heart-breaking, then found out she was cutting herself!!!! She wants highlights another piercing, freedom.....I'm scared to death!!! I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more!!! I know she will be delivered from this...but let me tell you what a hard battle I'm fighting!!! I was diagnosed with vitiligo as a child, now after 33 years, due to stress caused by my disrespectful daughter, it has returned this time on my face and continues to spread!!!! Putting my hands up and leaving it in God's hands!!

As I look around me .... it seems as though all the mothers and daughters I know have amazing relationships and until I came here and read all these posts...it doesn't hurt my heart any less but I don't feel so alone. I am a 50 year old mother of 2 daughters 25 & 27. I live in California they live in Texas. They each have 2 children. And they have little to no regard to my feelings. They never call me. They never send me a card for any occasion. I have always gone overboard for both of them and now I just do for my grandchildren. I raised these girls on my own without any child support from their father and without any emotional support from anyone. I was abused as a child and have very dysfunctional relationships with my parents/siblings.....My daughters have witnessed the abuse of my family on me and it has even affected both of them. They treat my family so sweet and kind. But look down on me as if I am not good enough. They have broken my heart and it consumes me all of the time because I keep trying to figure out how to make it right. I have stopped calling and doing for them....but I still want to develop relationships with my young grandchildren. My daughters make little to no effort to ensure that their children have a relationship with me. After all the childhood abuse and failed relationships with the men in my life. Having them treat me this way is almost more than I can bear. It is a fight everyday to feel joy. I am so saddened at the fact that my 4 amazing grandchildren are so far from me and that their mother's do not show them that I am an important and loving part of who they are. I too am at my wits end and have no idea how to change things and to feel stable emotionally and enjoy my own life.

Counseling. The only one you can really work on is you. Right now your heart is breaking and this pain is all encompassing and taking its toll on you. I am so sorry. A counselor can help you deal with the layers of grief you have endured: starting with the earliest ones from your own childhood. Once you begin this journey of healing and caring for yourself, then other opportunities will likely reveal themselves. You might also be surprised how others seem to follow your lead in your approach to yourself. As you love yourself so too shall others love you.
Be well and be blessed.

As I look around me .... it seems as though all the mothers and daughters I know have amazing relationships and until I came here and read all these posts...it doesn't hurt my heart any less but I don't feel so alone. I am a 50 year old mother of 2 daughters 25 & 27. I live in California they live in Texas. They each have 2 children. And they have little to no regard to my feelings. They never call me. They never send me a card for any occasion. I have always gone overboard for both of them and now I just do for my grandchildren. I raised these girls on my own without any child support from their father and without any emotional support from anyone. I was abused as a child and have very dysfunctional relationships with my parents/siblings.....My daughters have witnessed the abuse of my family on me and it has even affected both of them. They treat my family so sweet and kind. But look down on me as if I am not good enough. They have broken my heart and it consumes me all of the time because I keep trying to figure out how to make it right. I have stopped calling and doing for them....but I still want to develop relationships with my young grandchildren. My daughters make little to no effort to ensure that their children have a relationship with me. After all the childhood abuse and failed relationships with the men in my life. Having them treat me this way is almost more than I can bear. It is a fight everyday to feel joy. I am so saddened at the fact that my 4 amazing grandchildren are so far from me and that their mother's do not show them that I am an important and loving part of who they are. I too am at my wits end and have no idea how to change things and to feel stable emotionally and enjoy my own life.