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My Beautiful Sons

I have two beautiful boys who are growing way too fast.I never knew it was possible to love someone this much but each day I love them more and more.Thier father and I divorced three years ago, the reason being that he realised he was gay.We have remained on friendly terms for the sake of the kids,but generally he wants little to do with them. Last night I found out that he has a serious boyfriend and will be bringing him to all family events, starting tomorrow with his moms birthday party.So I called his parents and told them that I hope no offense is taken but I will not be bringing the kids to any family event the boyfriend is at.I will never tell my kids anything bad about their dad, but I do not feel ok  with them seeing dad with another man. They are only four and five. I dont discriminate against it but I do not personally feel that alternative lifestyles are right, I want to raise my kids with my values.I do not think they are ready for it and I know I am not ready. Am I doin the right thing?  
blackcat blackcat 22-25, F 16 Responses May 27, 2007

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You're the primary caretaker so you call the shots and do what you wish. If you don't want to expose your kids to him and his boyfriend and the controversially "alternative lifestyle" that they live then you shouldn't. <br />
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Besides, he sounds like a creep. He brought two beautiful boys into this world and doesn't want to have anything to do with them? Then to Hell with him. He wants to enjoy life with his boyfriend living the single life and leave you to raise the kids. He's a real creep.<br />
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And to the people who are on here saying that blackcat should not discriminate against the father of her children just because he is gay, you need to read the story closer: HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM! EVEN IF SHE WANTED HIM AND HIS BOYFRIEND AROUND THEM, HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM!<br />
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Forget the dense people who are telling you that you should include this creep and his boyfriend in the lives of your two boys. <br />
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The bottom line is this:<br />
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YOU'RE the primary caretaker so YOU call the shots. And I personally think you are making a very good call. I support you 100%!

I think you are, I try to give my daughter the most normal life, it's tough, but I can tell she appreiciates it. I'm going to have a talk about homo-sexuals with her in a year, she'll be in grade six, and I know they'll be talking about it. I don't want her to feel like she doesn't get out enough. I think your doing the right thing blackcat, and britnude, I agree, but at the same time I don't.

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Yes you are doing the right thing. That is your belief and we all know being gay is wrong. I have 6 children and have taught them that the girls are girls and boys are boys. it is society that is wrong for accepting this behavior like it is okay. Doing the thing we know that are perfecting wrong just confusing the children and our society more. I would not want a life style I totally disagree with pushed on my child. And I am not being prejudice I am being a parent that cares and loves her children.

Yes you are doing the right thing. That is your belief and we all know being gay is wrong. I have 6 children and have taught them that the girls are girls and boys are boys. it is society that is wrong for accepting this behavior like it is okay. Doing the thing we know that are perfecting wrong just confusing the children and our society more. I would not want a life style I totally disagree with pushed on my child. And I am not being prejudice I am being a parent that cares and loves her children.

Wow by reading this story I can tell your children will grow up to be good human beings.<br />
There is uthing like the love and care of a mother. And no matter what decitions you take, the thing that maters the most is the way you rase them, to love care, forgive. I say this as a son, a gay son. For me there is nothing more important than my mother and father, no matter what tipe of personal issues they go through.<br />
best wishes for you and your children. :)

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Maybe you will read this maybe you won't. My ex huband is not gay but when his 2 sons were little he left me & them. The boys have suffered as a result of this & continue to. They are adults now but i see the sadness & yearning in their eyes for their father. There fathers family do not have anything to do with them either. It is so sad they did nothing to deserve this. They should not have to endure so much pain & suffering.

Well I'll keep this one short... your boys belong to you as well as their father. I don't think you should keep them from being around him unless he also agrees that he would like to wait with his boyfriend.<br />
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As for the friend that deleted you from their circle, they could have instead tried to explain why they were frustrated and get you to understand rather than doing something rash, but oh well. It's understandable that they are also upset. Best of luck!

My ex also came out of the closet after he moved out though our son is an adult there is a grandchild involved. The ex was very lucky as all of us took it very VERY well so he got off lucky, a good thing.<br />
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I know you've moved on but I hope that you chose not to keep your boys away from their family because your ex has a partner. Mine does, I love him, and everyone else likes him.....though the grandchild is quite shy around him because they don't see each other that often.<br />
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One of my happiest memories is looking into the dining room and seeing everyone around the table chatting, very Ab/Fab I suppose, but it was lovely. Unfortunately my ex and father had a falling out over politics so that will never happen again making every holiday into an endless stream of different houses....Christmas is now a minimum of 5...count 'em....5! celebrations. It's beyond horrible.<br />
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Children don't know from gay, they need to be loved, kept safe and be treated well. In my opinion the only reason not to attend would be if your ex and/or his partner didn't treat them and you well.

What a tough situation. I will weigh in if you don't mind.<br />
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I was a teenage parent of one. He is now 20...there are so many things I wish I'd done. But he's still a great person. I have never been in the situation you're in but I'd love to share (it's what I do...fix things). <br />
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For one, you can instill your values regardless of the world around you. People at school have different belief systems and you wouldn't stop teaching your children what you believe based on their daily contact with them would you. Also, If you try to avoid it...they may be resentful of their father later. It's really their choice to accept or not to accept his lifestyle. Let them ask you questions when they are ready. They may want to know...they may not. How they react will be based on you. They don't have to be homophobic to know that its not something that you consider 'the right thing to do'. <br />
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I had a friend that was gay. He was always there for me. People questioned whether or not I should EXPOSE my son to him. He regularly took him out on outings. (He has never had a 'friend' while he was with my son). I did explain (when it was appropriate) OUR belief system. What others choose to do with their lives should not change the way we live our lives. Other people can't choose your lifestyle choices (britnude)...just like you can't choose theirs. <br />
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This is a mixed up world we live in more than any other time. Sometimes our job as "protector" can be difficult to assess. Sometimes we have to take a step back and ask WHAT are we protecting them from and will it do more harm than good for them not to live with their eyes open? This is even harder to assess when we don't have a significant other (2parent home) to balance us an bounce things off of. IMHO: Yes...protect them. No don't lie to them. <br />
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To this day my son has had NO problems with his sexual orientation (He's All GUY--uuugh! ) and I still have a good friend who will forever have a special place in my heart! <br />
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This is a delicate situation and I wish you all the best whatever YOUR decision. We have to learn to celebrate our differences and not try to live other peoples lives and live our own the best way we can!!!! <br />
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My heart goes out to you.... sorry so long.

That's the whole point of this place, I think. To be yourself. To ask difficult questions.<br />
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I'm glad you asked this question.<br />
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And I'm glad I was able to read other peoples responses from their perspectives.<br />
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I'm glad I found this place.

You know, I looked at this story today because it offended someone in my circle...so much they deleted me from their circle. I am a young mother and raising kids is not easy,especially if you want to raise them to be kind and caring humans.Since I wrote this story I have learned more and experienced more and no longer need help on this subject.But at the time I wrote this,life was not easy and I was struggling with this subject.That is why I wrote this,hoping to get honest open minded non judgemental help on how to figure this out.Not to offend anyone. I apologize for any one else who was offended but this was wrote to recieve advice. Now that I have gotten past the fears I had, I still will not change or delete this story.Because somewhere out there, someone else might have the same problem I had, and maybe wont feel quite as alone as I did at the time I wrote this. I am sorry Rustyguy, but I do not see this as being as offensive as you took it but thank you for being up front about it.

I feel your sons was way to young to see there father with A guy it would put you in A bad place maybe when they are older you can explain it too them then good luck and thank you for sharing story.

Everyone has different realities. Thank you for your comment.

Wow, what a tough spot to put you in! I must say that I agree that the boys shouldn't be exposed to that sort of situation at this time in their lives. Is there any chance you could sit down and discuss your concerns with your ex-husband, or would this just exacerbate things? I'll be thinking about you in your struggle with this decision.

Now that is a difficult situation to be in. I also have 2 boys that are truly, too me, the most amazing people on the earth (can u tell i'm a tad bias) but unlike you my boys are older (13 & 11). Ironically my husband also left 3 years ago, and even though i asked him, and he hesitated with his reply, i questioned him with whether or not he was gay, His hesitTION LEAD ME to believe that perhaps he is, but due to his upbringing IF he is (and i'm not sure) he will never admit or embrace it, which imo is kind of sad, because all i want for him is to be happy, but he isn't. It was his choice to end the marriage,<br />
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SINCE you asked if you were doing the right thing, i feel comfortable in putting my 2 cents in. Even though your children are young, my opinion has always been, that until they are a bit older, they themselves might not know their own sexual orientation. IF by chance one of your boys ends up being gay, i would hate for him to think that his own mother had even the slightest hesitation with it, and they will put the pieces of the puzzle together, eventually. I can tell that you love your boys dearly and i do not in anyway judge you for the maternal instinct, afterall i too am FIERCE when it comes to someone directly or indirectly hurting my boys and i would not wish this type of decision on anyone, because in someways you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Could you talk to your ex AND ASK IF, UNTIL THE BOYS ARE OLDER AND CAN UNDERSTAND, (stupid caps, grrrrr0 would he mind INCLUDING him but introduce him to your boys as his best buddy and not display any signs of emotional attachment, or signs of affection? I know that you would all be lying to your boys, but I personally wouldn't want your ex, not to enjoy family gatherings, simply because he is gay and has found someone special to share his life with. This idea is even hard for me to say because i am so against lying to kids, but given your alternative choice coupled with the fact that as parents we really do not know our kids sexual orientation, than maybe if he will agree to this deception until your boys are older, as an alternative to missing out on joyful family occassions, perhaps it is the better of two difficult choices. I hope i did not upset you with my comment as i by no means judge your final decision and only added my thoughts as you specifically asked people to. . Either way, whatever decision you make, i would never judge you for it, for 2, reasons; 1. it is coming from your heart and 2, since i am not in your shoes i would never try to pretend to understand what u are going through, unless one personALLY WALKS IN YOUR SHOES I FEEL THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE. I HOPE IN SOME small way what i wrote MAY be of some help, regardless i do not ENVY the delimma you are currently in. GOOD LUCK!!