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I'm Recently Experiencing a Whole New Life Trial...

I have been separated for almost a year. I have two beautiful little girls, and remain tentative friends with my ex, but I feel sooooo jealous of the relationship his significant other has with our children and his family. My oldest daughter loooves his new girlfriend and I have no idea how to deal with this. I am also in a new relationship, (kay, maybe not so new!) but he is currently out of the country, so I feel incredibly alone through everything I have been dealing with. How does one deal with working, keeping up a house, and having two little ones all at once! Overwhelming, huge life test, I plow through it day by day, though I don't know how....
tmick22 tmick22 26-30, F 17 Responses May 30, 2007

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Here is something to bear in mind. When your secondborn was coming and even after she was born did you have to tell your firstborn that you had enough love for both of them. Did you tell her that a mommy doesn't love one child any less because she loves another child?<br />
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In a way, this is a challenging reverse of the same dynamic. Her love for her daddy's friend flows from her love for her daddy. Even if you hate her daddy with all the passion in the world, it is better if she can have a good relationship with him. The only time that wouldn't be true would be if he were truly abusive. <br />
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I love my in-laws. They are good people. My parents would have been jealous, but it is natural to love back those who show love to you. So much better that his new girl should be loving and kind to your daughters than to be a hateful step-mother who only wants her husband to focus on his children by her and her children by whoever else she has been with. <br />
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At the same time, you being a loving mom makes you desirable to the right sort of man.

"Its nornmal" I ******* hate that!! When my ex finds some one I'm going to ******* hate him more then life. I spent 20yr trying to make her happy and some other dickhead steps in and is doing what I could not. Its going to drive me crazy!!! You are a better person then I am. I fight through the days because of my girls. I want them to be as happy as they can be. to do all the things I wanted to do. To never feel week or small. I will be nice to the dickhead to come But I will hate him and very breaths that he takes in my bed. Under the roof that I built. Do the right thing for them doesn't meen you have like it.

I hear ya. My neighbour is a second wife, left with two children, her husband doesn't support her but look after the daughter. Be grateful you don't live in asia as here the husbands do the two wifes thing daily with no repercusions or question and it is accepted.<br />
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She has always been in your shoes but without having to get divorce and all people assume she is one of those type of women, you know the one who breaks up a marraige but is reallly the sweetest girl who got a raw deal.<br />
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I feel your pain and have two children, well one daughter and a boy on way and sometimes find marraige to hard to bear and would love to be you hehe. Funny how life is. <br />
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Last year when giving birth to my daughter, I had to be flown back to my country australia to go to a psychiatric ward for three months so having bub number two scares the hell out of me. I wish I could be like you, normal and able to raise a family alone, but for me, I am stuck in asia about to give birth again, with no family support. Just think, you have family around you, that is something I would die for. Also my friends here are in danger as people are shooting each other and it is not uncommon to hear of friends of ours who have been hit by guns or granades.<br />
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Thank your lucky stars my friend your living in USA, I am guessing that is where you are as some days I would love to be in ozzie land or US, it is much safer there, at least you can walk out or go out without fear.

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I too have been in a similar situation, as a matter of fact several times with my ex-husband. Yes of course its very difficult and its bound to be so, its overwhelming and so it should be! However while its hard to handle that there is someone new by your ex's side remember you are the MOM #1 forever and always!! I recall when my child was around 4 or 5 and my ex had her call his current gf 'her hame -mommy', when you can imagine what that did to my nerves :S...I was to terrified about my poor child being confused etc, messed up for life, I headed straight to the daycare supervisor and sought counsel..She assured me that all is and will be OK, NO ONE will ever replace ME:) (sure he was doing it in part to irritate me, another jab at the jugular)...<br />
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How did I cope ?Well, having some good support in terms of friends, or family, support groups, perhaps books, and distress lines. when you feel like you cannot handle the pain anymore, my daughter is 13 now (HELLO TEENAGE YEARS :P LOL!), yes I periodically still avail myself of the distress line, its very helpful just to have someone non judgemental to listen to you and offer encouragement. You may be feeling lack of self esteem, well you are a great mom, just tell yourself that!<br />
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Even when you feel at rope's end, at the end of each day say in your bed 5 things you are grateful for. Also i used to make a list of positives / negative, just to SEE YES I HAVE POSITIVES IN MY LIFE:)! It's very important to get a perspective. <br />
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If you are religious/spiritual pray, cry, scream into a pillow, let the difficult emotions out, do not let them overwhelm you. Treat yourself to something even small, a tea with a friend, a small gift just for you, get a babysitter and hang with s friend-movie, a girls moment even at your house, a pedicure to remind you that you are beautiful and Desirable woman and you are loved!!!<br />
When we are DOWN and OVERWHELMED we MUST REFUEL, So be good to yourself and take it easy ;)<br />
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The joy you put in yourlife will help you a great deal.<br />
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hugs to you! remember you are strong, resilient, wise and beautiful , and your kids love you , so it looks not so bad from where i am standing. Your heart is still healing to be gentle and mindful of your needs :)

Your children are not your possessions, they are in the care of your husband and yourself and now his new partner while they are growing up and they need love and care from all of you as a team. They are in no way responsible for the break up of your marriage, and if they go off happily to your ex's new place you should be grateful. Imagine how awful it would be if they went off crying and miserable. Put the welafre of your children before your own happiness and they will love you for it.

Been there twice... the first time around... i was young... he was violent... had to go... we fought in court for 13 years... until the children were of age. Remarried nearly 20 years ago... most of my adult life has been as a wife and mum... no sex in this marriage for the past 6 years... so i'm leaving... sort of... made damn sure we're still good friends... no blaming... total cooperation with scheduling...<br />
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Be glad they get on with the new girlfriend... make it your business to do something nice for yourself when they visit their dad. Your kids need to know that you're okay when they're gone... otherwise they might start to feel guilty or resentful or both... If you're happy and relaxed then your children will be too...

Your feelings are understandable. To work, keep up a house (inside and outside) and having two precious daughters who count on you can be overwhelming! However you've come this far in life with the challenge you're going even further! The new girlfriend is 'new' and she perhaps is trying to make a good first impression with the father and your kids. She too perhaps wants to be accepted and liked by others (including you). I agree that it's fantastic that your kids like her. I think it's important that they do and vice versa. What drama it would be if you weren't blessed with that situation! And although she's the new girlfriend who is good to them, you will always be their mother. That will never change. They have a special bond with you that another cannot fill. You're mom and will always be! They still need you no matter what or no matter who they become attached too. Your daughters are blessed to have you, their dad and another person care for them. It's win win all the way around.

I agree with Emerald. It's ok to feel jealous but also remember to be grateful she is nice to them and they like her. At least she is not one of those people who automatically hates kids from a previous relationship or is resentful of the attention he gives them vs her. Plus like someone else said, your ex's relationship with this woman may not last.

Type your comment here...I am soooo sorry for what you are experiencing, but it is normal unfortunately. I have been divorced for 3 years but my marriage was over before we both received our divorce decree. I have 2 children with my ex-husband (boy 9 girl 7) and they love his new fiance and I know this doesn't sound good,but at least you and your ex can speak. My ex and I can't stand one another and we are constantly in court for silly things. He knows that I can't stand courtrooms, but that doesn't stop him from filing for more time. I in turn get upset and file my own petition. We actually meet for drop-off and pick-up at a police station. Your feelings are valid and this site will let you vent. Which is good. Your significant other isn't in the country right now,sooo sorry about that as well. I have felt that jealousy and it sucks! I've noticed that a lot of people commented on your story,and they could become your sounding board, we all need them. Prayer is very very good and I pray about everything. I don't restrict my prayers to my being by myself. Whenever and wherever and if you need to pray to yourself while watching a movie with your kids....do so. People say that time heals all wounds, but I'm starting to believe that time just numbs a little more each day!

Type your comment here...I am soooo sorry for what you are experiencing, but it is normal unfortunately. I have been divorced for 3 years but my marriage was over before we both received our divorce decree. I have 2 children with my ex-husband (boy 9 girl 7) and they love his new fiance and I know this doesn't sound good,but at least you and your ex can speak. My ex and I can't stand one another and we are constantly in court for silly things. He knows that I can't stand courtrooms, but that doesn't stop him from filing for more time. I in turn get upset and file my own petition. We actually meet for drop-off and pick-up at a police station. Your feelings are valid and this site will let you vent. Which is good. Your significant other isn't in the country right now,sooo sorry about that as well. I have felt that jealousy and it sucks! I've noticed that a lot of people commented on your story,and they could become your sounding board, we all need them. Prayer is very very good and I pray about everything. I don't restrict my prayers to my being by myself. Whenever and wherever and if you need to pray to yourself while watching a movie with your kids....do so. People say that time heals all wounds, but I'm starting to believe that time just numbs a little more each day!

Type your comment here...I am soooo sorry for what you are experiencing, but it is normal unfortunately. I have been divorced for 3 years but my marriage was over before we both received our divorce decree. I have 2 children with my ex-husband (boy 9 girl 7) and they love his new fiance and I know this doesn't sound good,but at least you and your ex can speak. My ex and I can't stand one another and we are constantly in court for silly things. He knows that I can't stand courtrooms, but that doesn't stop him from filing for more time. I in turn get upset and file my own petition. We actually meet for drop-off and pick-up at a police station. Your feelings are valid and this site will let you vent. Which is good. Your significant other isn't in the country right now,sooo sorry about that as well. I have felt that jealousy and it sucks! I've noticed that a lot of people commented on your story,and they could become your sounding board, we all need them. Prayer is very very good and I pray about everything. I don't restrict my prayers to my being by myself. Whenever and wherever and if you need to pray to yourself while watching a movie with your kids....do so. People say that time heals all wounds, but I'm starting to believe that time just numbs a little more each day!

Hi Emerald;<br />
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I have never gone through what you are going through. My sons were 18 when they met the other woman.<br />
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I do not like your having to share your young children with the other woman. Furthermore God has put a huge Protective spirit in women (parents). That is another reason why you are suffering.<br />
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Now here is the good news: What is happening today, may not be happening tomorrow. More often than not, this relationship may not last longer than a year or two. <br />
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You want strength?? Pray while your children are gone. I prayed for my sons. Even though my husband and the new wife were showing my sons a good time - my sons were so Glad to see me when they came home from the other house. Didn't find out until years later, that while I was praying, my husband and the new wife were saying bad things about me. ha ha <br />
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yours califnan

You all were separated that long in reality, these are all natural feelings that are normal to have as a woman and as a mother. The kids know who you are and love you the most, TRUST THAT. You are irreplacable, ACCEPT THAT. No other woman can fill your shoes, TRUST THAT. Be cordial, show class, people are watching for your reaction, don't give them what they may be looking for, KNOW THAT. She is more concerned about you than you should be of her, GUARANTEE THAT. She is a novelty, that may wear off and she knows it (insecurity), but in the meantime she is trying to be accepted by his kids and family, so be very steady and thankful that she is not some B#!?* towards your kids, APPRECIATE THAT!

Are you a risk taker? There are great rewards to be had in taking a roommate, but great dangers too. Could you "google 'roommates'" and find someone else with kids?

You know, I didn't really think of it that way, that it would just mean there was someone else there to protect my girls when I'm not there. Very valid point! Someone else who could possibly show them love....another way to think of it....

Yes, maam! This is hard to deal with! Been there, done that! But you also have to look at the bright side of your children getting along with "the other woman". It means chances are strong your children will be treated good when you are not around to protect them. They could be stuck with a woman that despises them and tries to stir conflict between them and their Daddy. And reguardless of you and Daddies inabilities to be together, they still need him in their life just as much as you. But the reality is easier seen and said, than done! Don't be ashamed of your jealousy. You'd be inhumane if it didn't bother you. Just be careful about the girls seeing it. They may use it against you to get what they want. Such as, " Well, so-n-so would let me do this or that. I REALLY LIKE HER!" Been there too! lol. Just remember your kids love you and they know who MOM is... in the end, if you treat them to your best... I bet you win!