Trying

I'm not sure how to start this post, so I'm just going to sort of ramble a bit.

I am going to get  married soon. We haven't set a date. We both have some major adjustments to make. He does live in another state and I   will have to move me and my children there to be with him because of his custody arrangements for his child. That isn't the issue, as I love the place he lives. I lived in that area growing up and have always wanted to go back.

The issue is my oldest son and his disdain at having to move. He grew up here. He has two years left of school before graduating. He wants me to leave him behind to finish high school. It's not going to happen. He 's only 15 and I've told him it would be no problem for him to come back and visit quite often as it's not a hard trip and I have family hear that would watch over him. I just can't trust them to care for him on a more permanent basis. There are reasons for that. Not real bad.... but not a situation that is  desirable either.

I love my family, but most don't like my way of raising my son to be self-sufficient and independent minded. He can be a handful, but it is because he isn't afraid to speak his mind that my family "dislikes" him. The same reason they disliked my husband. My father has always kept his kids under his thumb. His only failure has been me. He still does try to run my life especially since my husband died, but I have earned the title "black sheep" because I don't follow his lead. Not advice..... lead.....I don't' do what he wants. I don't play his game. I don't  bow down and tell him he's right when he isn't. My son doesn't either.

So well... I guess my problem is that my son likes my fiance and he wants me to marry him, but he doesn't want to leave here. It may be that new girlfriend more than it has to do with friends as most of his close friends have also moved far from here. Just one of many adjustments that have to be made is dealing with him. My other two kids..... good to go.

Okay..... I'm done rambling....
theredlady theredlady
41-45, F
22 Responses Jul 21, 2010

Thank you Natashamarie! I have hope.

The biggest part of the battle has already been won. He likes your fiance!!!! The rest is gravy. He is 15 and will meet new friends and won't even remember not wanting to move. I wish you and your family the best

THank you Shepardess and Merge I will take both your advice to heart. He has moments he doesn't seem to hate me so I know in my heart he will be okay. *hugs*

Red,<br />
I'm so happy for your good news. Ain't love grand? I wish I had some decent advice for your son. I know its going to be hard on him, and he'll try to make it hard on you sometimes. Keep communicating when you can, and get your hugs when you can. Be forgiving when you can. Be there with open arms when he eventually comes around. <br />
It sounds like you have a good man there to comfort you when the going gets tough. And you can always find a friend to listen on EP.

Red, just try not to hear him when he says those things. He's hurting, you understand that, at l5 he wants you to hurt like he is, there's no limit to the "incredibly mean things" he's capable of saying right now. Let it go in one ear and out the other! A good response to his nasty comments would be, "I'm sorry you feel that way"!

Just hurts my feelings the things he says ..... that's all.....

He'll adjust hun don't even worry about it

Thank you Cici... I needed that.... *hugs*

Alright TRL I get this perfectly and I understand where your son is coming from. When my dad told me we were coming to Portugal I was one year away from graduating and was going to be one of the schools prefects. I loved my home and friends and felt like we were moving to this third world country with a language I couldn't even speak! Many many many arguments ensued, and due to delays in the shipping of our stuff, I was able to spend 3 months of my last year there. So I know how your son is feeling ... but on the other hand at the time as much as I hated the idea I knew it was the best thing to do and once we got here I tried not to be such a brat. Now if your son has been raised as I know you raised him, he'll get over the move as soon as he settles in at his new school. It's all very scary at first and I admit I cried in the beginning but he's young - he'll adapt remarkably well. You're doing the best for all of you. *huge hugs*

LOL! I hope so SR. We argued AGAIN last night and I am just so tired....

He likes your fiance, he wants you to marry him...... you're good to go.<br />
<br />
Trust me, he WILL get over it--I had a similar issue with moving halfway through highschool and ended up liking my new school BETTER than the old school, lol.<br />
<br />
Anyway, it will teach him a valuable life lesson: sometimes you just have to adjust to necessary changes. He may fuss for a while, but eventually he'll find a cute girl at his new school and all will be forgiven. *giggles*

Thank you Sharossody. I hope so too.

I so agree with Shepardess... at 15 your son needs a mother and father to steer him on the right path, the g/friend may be an issue, but hey there will be plenty of girls there too. And hopefully many before the time comes to settle down.<br />
I wish you well in your move and a bless marriage.... good luck.

<=D Thanks Shepardess!.. I'm just feeling so good about this!

I'm so happy Red! During the tough times, let everyone remember what it was like before Rob came into your lives so he is always appreciated.<br />
<br />
The fact that he's already positive about Rob, that's BIG....real BIG!<br />
<br />
You know, I'm wishing all of you joy, peace and contentment! Seeing their mother happy again must be so very important to your children..........Good Job!!!

Ah I was so hoping to hear from you! I think he will be fine.... it won't be easy but it helps that he is supportive of me getting married already and he likes Rob. <br />
He is 15 and has a girlfriend... It's not easy, but I think the change will do all of us good. <br />
I hadn't planned on things moving so fast , but they are.... and I don't want to wait too long and neither does Rob. it's that good....Thank you Shepardess... you always know what to say.

Hi Red,<br />
<br />
The road is never straight, is it? Life....*sigh* complicated!<br />
<br />
Here's the facts, you can wait 2 years for him to graduate and then move; or, take him out of school and bring him with you. He's only 15, too young to be on his own, confusing time and age, he definitely will need his mother.<br />
<br />
If you go, he has to go with you, that's all there is to it! An angry 15 year old is a lot for anyone to handle, let alone, a new husband! The pressure he could put on your new marriage could be devastating. You know your child better than anyone else and you know how far he's capable of going (or maybe you haven't seen how far he will go yet). <br />
<br />
I feel so for you Red! You are entitled to your happiness. Is waiting possible? A lot depends on his attitude when you speak with him. If you can get his support in this move, that's the best solution for everyone. If you are in for the fight of your life with him over this, I would spare all of you the unhappiness this marriage could bring at this time. Take your time and feel your way through it. I'm wishing the best for everyone in this situation!

Can you say... bridesmaid?

Thanks Sappy and Jo your support means so much. <br />
<br />
Daypassion.. I just hope he is open-minded enough to go through the changes. I know it will be rough.

Raising an open minded son has its ups and downs. At 15 hes to young to be left behind (I have 4 teens and I can image a couple saying the same mantra...) I had a friend do that...to his 18 yo old...and thats a far cry from 15.

Your reasons for not wanting him to stay behind are good and he will come to understand that. The fact that he likes your fiancé is a big plus!<br />
((((HUGS)))) to you, dear RedLady!

Red, you deserve to be happy. That's all I'm sayin'.