It Was All Worth It.

I am a new mother, bpd, 9/11 survivor and a revocering alcoholic.  I am doing my meetings and therapy but recently I have begun to wonder "what's the point"?  I have a long history of reverting back to old behaviors and one of my greatest fears is that I will fail my daughter ( mind you not myself but Audrey). 

She is six months old and for financial reasons I need to go back to work.  I am overeducated and have had fantastic jobs.  Unfortunately in the last 5 years I have been fired from them all.  So I am full of fear.  My ego is fragile and I wonder if I still have what it takes to succeed professionally and earn the income I am used to.  THEN the worries about putting my daughter in daycare.  I could go on....

Last week she began to sit up on her own.  She is eating solids.  Yesterday I found a new tooth!!!  I about cried.  All this fear, my projections and self defeating behavior and this child is happy, healthy and has a new tooth.  Does this sound crazy.  All the pain in my life feels worth it.  The times I should have died, or tried to die.  All that stuff that ruled me seems OK now when I see her smile.  All the hell was worth it for this small peace of heaven.

Libby Libby
36-40, F
1 Response Apr 13, 2007

Hi Libby. I hadn't seen this story when I replied to the other one. You say that your are "doing my meetings."<br />
But have you ever believed deep down in your soul that alcohol has whipped your *** and will continue to do so.<br />
Do you do more than just go to meetings? Have a sponsor? Work the Steps? Study the Big Book? I have found that staying in today is extremely important. By doing so I have accumulated over 6,000 days One Day at a Time. I make a decision every morning that I am not going to drink today, just today, no matter what happens. I ask my Higher Power to please help me stay sober today, just today. I make the decision every morning that I am going to try to be a good man, today, to be a good husband, father and grandfather today. I have had friends that have tried to get sober over a long period of time but could not until the admitted, and believed, that the were totally defeated as far as alcohol was involved. I have a close friend that had 27 shock treatments, was confined in mental institutions and jails for years until he admitted, in AA, that he was totally beaten. Libby, just trying staying in TODAY, and being the best mother you can be and not take a drink and work the Steps. YOU can do it.