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My Love & Me

My baby girl is my world, shes 10 and her conception wasnt under good circunstances. I didn't want to be a mother and her father was an *******, I wasnt allowed to be on BC and he didnt want to use protection but Ive been blessed. Being a mother isn't easy and Ive done, said some things I cant ever take back. I want to do better. I need some support. I only have one child and she is just like me, which isn't a good thing. I need to get out more, play dates, etc. Maybe bc my mom wasn't there I don't know how to truly be a mom, my strict grandparents raised me. They are also from Jamaica and they raise kids way different. As a mother I love the sound of her calling me, I love that there's a mini me, I love her smile, eyes, laugh, everything, but its hard to show and tell her these things. I didn't hear it growing up. I'm definitely showing her that I don't want to be a mother, I didn't get to party, hang out, go on vacations and I resent my baby. I don't try to but I do. I'm a mother who would rather sit on the couch than play with my child. But I'm also a mother who suffers with depression, anxiety, bipolar, low self esteem, and other things....being a mother disconnected from my world isn't good. I love my baby and want to be better for her. I am a mother who survived a controlling, abusive relationship/marriage and is anti social bc of it. I see him in my baby all the time too. I am a mother who wants more for me and my baby. I am a mother who is mad at herself for the choices I've made.
sexyblackkoi sexyblackkoi 31-35, F Dec 22, 2012

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