Struggling

two books that may help: eckhart tolle "a new earth" and deepak chopra "the path to love"

Look I'm a 17 year old so I know exactly how to stop the fighting. leave him alone its all a teenager wants.

Leave him alone" is pretty good advice, except of course when you really have to call him to account. It's HORRIBLE being a teenager. Probably even worse for boys. Don't you remember what it was like? He has to struggle with the thoughts of striking out on his own, dealing with peer pressure from other teenagers, intense feelings that wash over his mind from out of nowhere, realising that he is not a baby any more, and should not depend on his Mum, although he wants to. He's going to have to deal with going out into a threatening world to work too. It's all positively dreadful! Especially the intense emotions he doesn't understand. And then there are GIRLS: those beautiful, desirable creatures who are miles ahead of him in intellectual and emotional development, and can reject him so cruelly - the one thing he really, really dreads. Have patience with him, remain patient and philosophic. No wild shows of emotion. But again, don't let him get away with too much, he needs to know where the line is, the one he can't step over. I have no children - but I am writing about what it felt like from the inside, from my own memory. I was a ghastly teenager, sulked in my room, didn't do my chores, threw things at my sister, was rude to my poor mother.

One day, one lovely day your son will come back to you if you are patient. Don't drive him away. He won't be the sweet little boy you loved, who was so affectionate, he will be another person. But eventually it will happen!

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Dont beat yourself up! Tennagers are so much hard work. I'm sure you've done everything you can. Just leave him be for now, he prob dosent even know how to converse & open up yet. My daughter was a terror in her teens, now 23 we're best m8s & she dosent know why she was so horrid! Her father didnt give a crap either. Maybe councilling was a bad idea as he now thinks he has an added problem. I'm sure he'll be a different guy in a couple of yrs. You look after you for now. Lifes too short!

I have a 15 year old son who fights with me occasionally too. Those times I just say to him that I am not prepared to talk with him if he cannot speak to me decently and if emotions are involved and it is a serious enough problem then he can write what he wants to say and I can do the same.
I find most arguments happen when we don't allow the other to say what they want to say fully and we each interrupt the other. By writing, it keeps the frustration out of the picture and you get to proof read what you want to say without opening your mouth and having the wrong stuff 'pop out' in anger.

And yes, he does like to be left alone at times. Remember they are building their own independance and are forming their own opinions which must be respected for that.

I also find that by being happy in oneself leads to happier children too so make sure none of your own unhappiness effects your relationship with your children!

Just my humble opinion though.
Happy living!

I find that's how I am, bottling everything up inside and holding back a lot of anger. It is possible he does not remember what it is like to be loved by a mother (maybe you were emotionally detached from him), and what he really needs may be a companion. It is possible he feels alone or isolated.

I also realize that even if fighting may not be your preferred choice of interaction, it is ten times better than not getting to speak to each other at all. Just make sure it's a fair fight where both of you get to express your points and listen to each other. It is also likely he does not really feel that normal conversation is important or beneficial.

I don't find it important to speak to my parents about my day because I frequently am disappointed, but I know they'll be there for me - especially my mom. Just let him know that, and be there for him, to listen to him when he understands that.

All the best :-)

My brother who is 17 is also the silent type. Surely, he has undergone through a lot of experiences that would be healthy to talk about with others especially with us, his family. However, I do not think he is comfortable with talking out what's inside. To encourage him to express his feelings without his notice, I put around articles that are inspirational in a catchy package. I make sure he can see them and he can be tempted to read them. Next to that, I also share to him what is inside me and i show him that it is not even easy for me to do that but I need to do it. I make him a listener without his permission. sometimes i feel stupid but i always understand that i am doing it for a purpose so it gets easier. Then I observe what things interest him and I let him know that i am ready to support him whatever he loves doing, just so he feels that he is an important being and that his thought counts...
Hope this helps..

I think you’re a great Mom to want to make your son happy. I can identify with you as I to have a 17 year old son and his been through allot as well, he last saw his own Dad when he was only 2 years old. My son and I didn’t get along until earlier this year, I decided to change my attitude towards him and find out what it is he likes, his hobbies, interests and so on. No two people are alike and sometimes we need to accept our kids the way they are. They not going to like what we like and do what we want them to do. When we communicate with them we need to get into their turf and once we’ve mastered that we on our way to a wonderful start. Every time my son irritates me I say from the kitchen “ I love you!” and that works to. Don’t push it though, take it easy and just keep the door of communication open, he’ll soon see you not pushing him and he’ll start talking to you. I know you love him, but you need to tell him that allot. You’ve been through a terrible ordeal and so has he, but only you can fix what is broken and you still alive to do just that. The greatest secret is to just listen, as sometimes they don’t want your opinion. See him as the brilliant child you intended him to be and he’ll be just that.

Yes, it's quite dificult to be 17, even with both parents around. What DGLB said about rejection by the opposite sex is quite true. I experienced a quite cruel public rejection from a girl when I was that age.

BOTH boys and girls are not fully emotionally developed and are developing differently at that my age. Boys can be sullen and rebellious and/or acting out roles as wild "macho" types. Girls have a difficult time too. Both are struggling with peer pressure, sexual urges and fear of rejection. To add any sort of absentee parent or internal family strife can only add to the stress.

The only answer is to be loving and to give him his space until he is ready to talk to someone. He probably feels that he is the only one with these problems. If you can let him know that he is not the only teenager struggling with angst it might help. But, be patient. It's hard to be a teenager and even harder to be a parent of one.

Please disregard my screen name. It no longer applies. I'm not smiling anymore. This week has brought me trouble with my son and I feel like crying instead of smiling. In fact, I've cried and lost sleep. My trouble is that my son is being teased at school for a terrible nickname we gave him when he was a baby that turns out to have sexual connotations we were unaware of. He's a freshman this year and the upper classmen are giving him he!! over it. I feel so bad for him and he's really sensitive and shy. He wants to cry, but doesn't want to show his feelings. Motherhood is killing me - I feel horrible for him. I'd hoped these would be good years in his life, but because of a stupid name, it looks like he is going to have a lot of humiliation instead. I know my problems don't seem bad to some people, but they sure feel bad to me!