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Struggling

Motherhood is not always easy. There is great joy along the way. I have gave birth to two boys. One died at the age of 18 due to muscular dystrophy. I have one remaining son who is now 17. I have trouble getting along with him. I really truly hate fighting with him, but it seems we fight more than we talk and relate to each other.

I have great guilt about it too. I often wonder if all the years I was caring for his handicapped brother, have I somehow neglected him. You know, maybe I was just so busy and preoccupied he felt ignored and left to figure out the world alone. It doesn't help that his father has nothing to do with him literally. His father didnt even make it to the funeral of his own son. Their father living maybe 5 minutes drive from the funeral home. I have a great deal of anger and probably hate over that one.

I do enjoy when my 17 year old is happy. I just wish he could be happier more of the time. He never talks about what is bothering him. He keeps everything bottled up inside. He dont talk to me or anyone else. I have had him in counseling 2 different times when he was in 5th grade and in 7th grade. He refuses to go back. He has this anger inside of him. I wish I knew how to help him. I know his father and his brother are surely 2 of the things that bother him. I am sure there more, but its a guessing game as to what-because he wont talk about it.

putrjnky putrjnky 41-45, F 39 Responses Sep 25, 2008

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teenagers are like that, we all had our mood swings:) but You are a mother first and a friend later, just because he is sad and you want him happy, soon you will be doing anything to please him, by giving him whatever he wants, and that's a desaster waiting to happen.Don't let no one see's that they have that much controll over you.it's a growing pain......

give him time,as long as you always show him you love him regardless of the way he acts at times.I had major problems with my eldest son,im so glad its over and i know how terrible it is going through it all ,but my son and i are now very close,he has grown and matured with the help of a nice girl.he now tells me that it was the love i gave him that kept him from being lost forever,its hard but never give up on them and always make sure they know it.life can be tough for us so imagin how it is for them.your hurting over isues in your past,he's probably hurting over the same things and wether you believe it or not he's probably concerned that if all the people in his life that he loved have left him ,you may to.its silly i know but sometimes we hurt the ones we love because were scared.Im sure he also hates that your hurt and angry too.be patient and trust all will work out for the best,just give him the space he needs to work out his own feelings. regards Linda

Hi Mom<br />
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It seems you carrt a burden thats out of your control, you took a step to publish your thought on EP maybe you should encourage your son to express himself in a similar forum and after some time and trust has been built up you could can start to communicate via EP or a similar web site, sometimes kids get confused and are not prepared to talk to their parents so take it slow and he will find his way.<br />
Maybe you should also start thinking about yourself, if you are alone you should try and make friends and talk about things that please you, remember that Love is the way, always show love and cast out the anger.

I am sorry to hear about your loss and everything else. He is probably just pissed off at the world right now. Just remind him that you are always there for him and that you are proud and compliment his strong points and tell him a little about you when you were younger and the stupid things you have done. Find a way to relate to him find a way to bond in some way. I am sure if you talked about some of the things that you both have been through but dont ask him how he feels let him know how you feel. then leave that door untouched until he feels he is ready to open it.

I would also have to add that his anger probably is about the male role model he is lacking but also because he is a teen and it is a confusing time.<br />
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I can attest that I had some trouble in my teenage life and instead of my mom yelling or screaming she would just tell me how beautiful I was and how much she loved me-- at the time I hated her, for no reason at all- I just did- but her love broke through, it truly did.<br />
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I believe very much in the power of words- just reaffirm your love for him, your belief in him and how amazing he is to you and how very proud of him you are! Even if he resists it and fights it or yells and screams at you-- just do it and say it over and over again-- it will get through to him I promise!<br />
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When it gets hard for you- get out the baby albums and remember the old days- when he would run to you and hug you- or look to you to kiss his boo-boos-- that kid is still there and he still needs you! :))<br />
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If you have wronged him, let him know how sorry you are- but you are still here and you always will be and you aren't giving up- just letting go- praise him for the man he is becoming! :))

it will take time.<br />
Gradualy n tactfuly make him understand.<br />
Always b nice wth him.

It really kills me how much parents beat themselves up over their teenagers. I really hope mine don't, although they probably do. I'm 19 now, and I can tell you with absolute certainty: it's not your fault. It probably has nothing to do with you. Being a teenager is just horrible and annoying, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I always hoped I'd be done figuring myself out by 18, but I'm not even remotely done yet. It's frustrating, it really is. You really shouldn't blame yourself. There's nothing you can do about it.

First off I take my off to you and I bow honorably to you for giving, enduring, laboring, fighting, nurturing, giving, loving, caring, praying, standing, crying,warring...for your home, children, dreams, futures... I say the following to you and moms everywhere including my own...THANK YOU!!! I apologize to you and every woman who experienced. Hurt, brokeness and harm from the father of your children, the man you placed your hope in, the king you trusted who would defend the castle, the queen and all it encompasses. Please forgive me for playing with the great responsibility of leading, teaching, cultivating, loving, improving your life, home,family and future. I now ask that as a woman, mom, matrarch who desires even greater to please pray, encourage, speak positive to and address with respect men near and far to desire intimacy with God and to fullfill pursuinh purpose from this juncture forth. Inconclusion for Christmas view and give as gifts the movie: COURAGEOUS.

it wasn't until i was 19 or 20 that i really truly started to appreciate my mum & everything she sacrificed for me, & every day i'm realising just how much she did for me & what she went through because of me more & more. <br />
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i once told my mother i hated her - at the time i thought i actually meant it. she slapped me across the face when i said it, & i deserved it - that's a despicable thing to say to the woman whom your life depends upon, & who would sacrifice anything & everything (including her own life) for you. looking back i am absolutely disgusted at how i behaved towards her. & i've decided that from this day forward, for as long as we have left on this earth together, i am going to spend as much time as i can making it up to her & showing her how much i love her. <br />
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it takes wisdom, & wisdom comes with age. <br />
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the same went for my bro - he was so hateful to my mum. she even once said to me "i hate him. i know that's a terrible thing to say about your own son, but i really do". now it is completely different - they are like 2 pees in a pod. he's like a big loving oaf around her, & is really protective of her. & our dad was never around...i think it does have an effect - children's first image of what a man is comes from their father (so i can image that a dad is particularly important when it comes to boys). <br />
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a lot of the time when mum wanted to know about my business all the time, i just assumed she was nosey - that's natural for a teenager, i think (you know the typical "omg, mum you're ruining my liiiiiifffaaaaa!"). <br />
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don't feel guilty. it's not you - it's him, & the wisdom he has right now (which is limited, not because you're a bad parent but because he is a teenager). all you can do is be there. persevere. my mum did & to me that makes her even more amazing, considering what i put her through (picking me up from hospital because i took drugs, or from some party half-concious in the wee-hours of the morning when i had snuck out after she thought i had gone to bed, not to mention the blatantly disrespectful words i hurled at her on a day-to-day basis, just to name a few things).<br />
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a single mother dealing with 2 young boys on her own, 1 of which is heavily handicapped - you're an amazing woman. you probably did show his brother more care - he was sick, he needed it & as his mother you gave it to him. i'm sure your other son will see that as he grows older. <br />
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to me, my mum is the most important woman to me on this planet. no matter what i have done, or how much i have hurt her, she has been there for me. at times she threatened to give up on me...but she never did. the only reason i can think of for this is that she loves me, & cares for me more than she cares for herself. i doubt anyone else on the planet is capable of loving a person like their mother. <br />
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don't feel guilty. please.