Disowning a Child

I am a mother.  I was once a daughter until my mother got tired of my honesty.  I was once a name with no identity.  It was my place.  It felt comfortable being invisible.  Having no opinions.  Letting other loved ones make decisions for me.  I had no control.  No views.  No life.

My beautiful children were given free reign by me.  After all, how could I instill in them the same control that I had allowed over me?  I decided there were to be no rules, no boundaries, no restraints for my children.  They were free to express whatever and whoever they were, right from the start.  I was only there to ensure no harm would come to them.

After my decision to divorce their father, their free expression turned to contempt for me.  A contempt fed by my ex husband's bitterness at the break up.  Nine years later,  I could take the contempt and abuse no more.  I simply walked away in the hope they would see through the haze of anger and judge me for what I was... a mother who did the best she could.  It's two years on and I still live in hope.

If anyone else's heart is breaking every day because their children simply refuse to see you or talk to you... youre not on your own.

Sarah1111 Sarah1111
51-55, F
11 Responses Sep 27, 2009

Children need rules and restrictions. Love and freedom are wonderful but its not parenting.


I also endured a life time since childhood of abuse then my sons father then my own father.The son I had went to uni ,thinks he is above everyone for doin so.He abused me when he decided to move in with a girl he just met.She is know again in his life as no one else wanted her.She is a sloventry woman and very manipulative.I had not seen my son for a year 2012.He brought her with him.The 3rd time I have met her in 6 years.He told me he does not trust her if he buys real estate as she will not sign a prenup and she does not work and does not intend to,this she has told him.A parasite.For one week she kept her distance slept in till 10 am got up ate and the went out.Came to a head yesterday and it all came out and he took her side screamed some terrible and unforgivable things to me as they where grabbing their stuff.Then came back and physically grabbed and shook me,he is a big overweight man.I feel like crying and I am not one to cry asiily.I have told him that I have disowned him and to never contact me again.To make things worse he is a shcool teacher,it helps to know I am not alone.Still it is hard.Time will heal.I truley feel sorry for him.

My son is 18 and he hates me. He has had a drug and alcohol problem since the age of 11 and due to that he dropped out of school before achieving his grade 10. He has stolen from me, intentionally damaged property, consistently lied to me and other people and makes up stories portraying me as some kind of beast in order to try and justify his behavior. The people I've met who know him say, "Wow! You're not the monster your son makes you out to be." He has ended up on the street because he consistently violates boundaries everywhere he goes or tries to live. He will con me into letting him come home and stay with me and then does things like punch holes in walls, steal from me, etc. When he is out of my home, I am constantly worried for his safety and well-being. When he is in my home, I know he is safe but he displays zero respect for me or the home. I have gotten to the point where I cannot allow him to live with me anymore. I will be there for him if he comes to me for help of course, but there is the part of me that wants to cut him out of my life completely because this is so painful and confusing to deal with.

I feel ur pain. My son who is 26 has been in and out of residential facilities all of his life. I never missed a visit or counsiling session. At 18 he went to prison for 5 years. He has stolen from me, lied straight to my face, tried to kill himself in front of me. To this day he shows me so much hate thatv it makes me ill. He has tried to convince me thatvi am crazy. I am on the edge of disappearing at this point.

Today I have disowned my daughter in my heart. She is 37, and since she was 16 she has been defiant. I tried getting her into counseling, she refused to go. She ended up with three unplanned pregnancies, all different fathers, one of which she aborted. I tried to help her go to college to better herself 4 times all of which she flunked out, took her loan money and spent it on booze, and play. Money which I might add I paid back. She defaulted on school loans leaving me with marks on my credit. She has run up bills with I have had to pay in the past. I have paid rent been the home, stuck up for her and tried to reason with her. She denies me visitation with my grandchildren making accusations of providing booze to minors and abusing them. When it is for a fact her who has been doing the boozing and hitting. The children have come to me crying that she is doing these things but reports to the county of abuse have been not effective as she moved out of the county. She threatened the children if they tried to come to me she would send them to their father who the child does not even know! She has verbally abused me and tried to get me in trouble time and again. She has trumped up charges and gone to the police, my minister, the county, the children's school and anyone else that will listen to her! I have talked to a lawyer who states to just stay away from her as she is bad news. I should have listened. I made the mistake of trying to get a birthday card to her. She is so full of hatred, vindictiveness, meanness that you cannot talk or reason with her. I am a generally easy going person but I have reached my ropes end. I no longer wish to have any contact with her at all. She is a loaded cannon ready to explode. I feel she is so unhappy with her life and where she is that she is jealous of anyone who has made something of themselves. I no longer have a daughter. I might as well put up a tomb stone with her name on it. She has taken every fiber of my being and drawn it through the mud and thistle patch. I cannot cry anymore or think of it anymore as I am becoming so depressed over the whole situation. I cannot see there ever being amends made. The remainder of my family also sees how she is and wants nothing to do with her. She has ripped into her 90 year old grandmother and caused her heartache beyond belief. She cannot understand why she is treating us all this way. She has stated that she wants the police to get the granddaughters when she dies so they can at least come to the funeral. I am a Christian as well, believe in forgiveness as well, but I also remember the phrase, get thee behind me Satan and feel that is more fitting for my response. If I died tomorrow she would be right there with her hand out for her share of the inheritance. Because that is all she cares about is money and herself. The grand daughters are a ploy she uses to get her way, when that quit working she moved on to more serious tactics, The children have snuck over to see me but sworn me to secrecy that she not find out and do something to them. There are worse things than your child being dead, it is suffering the hatred they harbor for you. I have done my time in hell here on earth. I am quitting and looking for a piece of heaven on earth is there is any left to have.

I think each person has an individual story and I cannot stand in judgement of someone else's situation. Personally I do think there are circumstances when it is validated.

Sometimes it an happen that you ...not feel, but ARE so at odds with your child (in my case, one that's grown), that it seems as if you have no choice. He/she makes fun of you, puts you down to your friends, fails to take advantage of the education they've received, thinks that the only thing that's important is their own thoughts and their own life.<br />
<br />
The time can come when you may have to let go, ...let them find their life path on their own, ...accept that your path and theirs is sooo divergent that it's better for both to go it alone.<br />
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Some will say it's not right, that you should do this or that. But sometimes, two adults can find that they are in very different places. And should it happen ...and i hope not to you, then sometimes it is better to just go it alone.

I have just recently had to experience this. I took custudy of my son 7 years ago because his mom went to prison. I also have 19 year old daughter that lives with her mother (different mariages) 3 years after getting custody I remarried. My wife now, bent over backwards for my kids. She treated them like they were hers. With many struggles with my son, liying, cheating, stealing, lack of respect for everyone, getting kicked out school, just to name a few. He goes to visit his mother for the summer. He calls me three weeks before coming home and says he wants to stay with her. I refused and told him he better have his butt on the plane. 48 hours before his return he commits credit card fraud againt me and my wife, racking up over a $100 in credit card purchases through my itunes account. Then 24 hours before he is supposed to be on the plane, we get a visit from DCF claiming that we beat him. My wife and I are furious, we have no other alternative but to reverse custody, because what would our home be like if he came back. Now he is facing criminal charges for credit card fraud and identity theft (which may I add is why his mom went to prison). My daughter and the rest of my family thinks we are being to hard on him. Because of this mess, I have lost my daughter, my son, my sister, my niece and nephews. My wife and I are extremely hurt and angry that we have been made out to be the bad people. My sisters reminds me that I wasn't the perfect child either. She is right. When I was 16 I stole a dollars worth of quarters from my step dad, and was kicked out of the house never to be allowed to return as a teen.

To nina and sarah, I have never experienced this and I'm sorry that you have had to. I just wish to give you a little hope. One of my sisters had a very difficult time with one of her daughters as well. The, "I hate you" comments and the "you drove my dad away" and everything else were very difficult on her. My sister did the right thing and never bad mouthed their father and just figured that time would clear all of that up. Guess what after about four years it did (my niece was well into adulthood when this happened.) My niece apologized and said that she realized that he had been the liar all along. I hope that you can find reconciliation and if not then at least peace in your life. Best wishes.

Sarah...as I read your story, i felt as if I were reading about my life!! It is unbelievably similiar!! I have two children, and have done everything possible for them. After years of abuse from their father, I divorced him. Things with my kids seemed fine for a while, but now my 18 year old daughter has told me the only reason I want her living with me is so that I can collect child support and that if I drop the support, she will come back home! Take a wild guess who put that twisted idea in her head. I am a registered nurse and doing without the 470.00 a month he gives me in child support will not put a cramp in my lifestyle. This isnt the first time she has pulled this type of tantrum. She plays her head games with me, calls me names, swears at me and runs to daddy to live until she decides she is willing to speak to me again. I can't take it anymore and I will be packing up her things for good and bringing them to her fathers. He can keep his money, and my son and my husband and I will now be able to live in peace, away from her abuse, temper tantrums and sociopathic behavior. I NEVER thought I would see a day like this. I love my daughter, but that doesnt mean I am supposed to allow her to put me in an early grave.

I can relate so much to your story. I have shared mine as well below. I too am a nurse and had many similarities with my husband but my daughter was the one that told me he was cheating. I was in the middle of finishing my RN degree, I finished and have made it through grad school since he left. It has been hard work, and I think she is jealous of it because she cannot seem to stick with anything. I do not mean to sound arrogant. She just cannot seem to start and finish anything but wants the paycheck and lifestyle of an executive! Good luck with your future. I feel the same, I cannot take the stress anymore or I will have a heart attack. Maybe that is her plan. Too bad she has been cut from my will. How is that for being hard hearted?

My dad, born in 1915, was a hard," Real Old School", farmers son.<br />
HE, whom was bitter and hard on his children .<br />
This conversly caused me seemly to want to seek his approval and want to be near him.<br />
Later It caused me great anguish at his passing. <br />
My mom was quite the opposite! Liken you,<br />
She was Real OLd School Farm Girl ,from 1930 and free wheeling with her labors towards her 6 children, and seemingly wasn't as revered by them... <br />
Knowing this, I reflect now upon your story. <br />
I relate and appologise for their seemly less than generious affections towards you .<br />
I hope your able to better cope, than my mother.<br />
She became bitter, as she aged and what unadmiring, delayed little attempts from some of her children to embrace her, were soon driven away by growing vindictiveness.<br />
As She passed some of them seemly were detached!<br />
I ask for you not to give up and surrender to these same temptations for distain and end up like her .<br />
continue your hopefuliness and possibly attempt small gestures of amity towards them, even not if apparently deserved.<br />
Hopefully they re-awaken to foster a true genial repect ,relationship which may add to a better improved future outlook between all parties.<br />
<br />
Take care ....:) be safe and at peace