Annoying Disorder... Does One Exist?

I hear myself telling him to shut up. I hate when he cries but there are no tears, just a red face with a wide open mouth with the most aggravating sound grinding his throat first and my ears second.
He will put his mouth on my nipple and when I look away he'll bite, I feel like when I breast feed he is stealing every ounce of my soul, like he is stealing from me.

When he was first born I didn't sleep. I always thought I could sleep some other time because right now it was baby time. We ran away together when he was 3 months old. I had a glass of milk thrown in my face because during the first 3 days at home with the new baby I couldn't find time to do the dishes, and was brave enough to ask for a glass of milk with a smile on my face.

All we had was each other and I enjoyed every second of it. Eventually I got myself into school, and found a stable home to live in.

My head wants to explode. Sometimes I want just want to freak out but I don't. I never ever hurt him or spank or anything like that but once I grasped his arm and grinded my teeth so hard I got a headache. In that single second so many painful thoughts went through my head.
The headaches never stop and my whole entire head is in a constant pound.

Sometimes when I'm sitting on the couch and baby crawls up to me and climbs up to my lap I pick him up and carrying baby to a spot that is away from me. I hate being grabbed at by him and I hate when he sits there and cries with his arms out for me. It annoys me that he is so needy. When he hands me something I throw it away.
When he is hungry I feed him, when he goes near the stairs I save him, when he needs a diaper change I am right there changing his diaper but inside of me there is something that wants a change. I'm restless, but not motivated. I cant.... or wont do my homework, I've been skipping class, when I do go I wear my ipod headphones.

There is so much more going on in my life and finding the right groups to share them in annoys me. I'm just annoyed, I'm sad, I hate the sound of my baby crying. Its fun when he is regular, when he talks or explores, when he figures something out, or watches cartoons, but its rare. He isn't unhappy, he is too young to be spoiled, I feel like it isn't him, it's me.

I feel like when I try to talk about it out loud the person I'm telling looks at me with disgust. I once called my baby annoying and the girl (with no kids) made a gross face and just kind of shunned me after that.

I constantly think about dying. Not killing myself but what ifs... what if I slipped on the ice and hit my head and died? What if the bus swerved off of the freeway? Sould I write a letter just in-case I die? If I acknowledge it out loud will I die? What if there is a fire and I sleep through it and get burned alive? What if I have a seizure? What if I don't wake up tomorrow?
I never include baby in these thoughts, I want him to experience life, I just think about me dying, or giving up I guess.

I am always looking for reasons to lie. I can't bring myself to lie though. I just think up a lie in my head.... its automatic. Excuses maybe?

I'm afraid if I went to the doctor he won't believe me, or I won't be convincing enough, or he won't care, or will expose me as a liar or drama queen, or I'm afraid I'll hear something I don't want to... like I'm insane and they're taking my baby.

I've done everything I think I could do with out talking to a doctor. I took this weekend off to go see a couple of movies, I wanted to skip out and go for a drink so badly but I drank once and having to see my child when I'm in that state disgusts me. I don't want to be like my own mother. One of the movies I went to  see was a horror and I was so uninterested that I wasn't afraid. I didn't flinch, I didn't care, and I just sat there with my pounding head and dull ache of real world anxiety.
I bought bubble bath and skipped school thursday to unwind and all I could think about was how far behind I am in my studies.
My house is a mess and these other people I live with don't care to clean. I've been dubbed "the mama of the house" and I feel like that's a cop out so no one else has to care for the house.

My temples hurt, I feel grey, but I do feel like a tiny bit of the weight has been lifted just typing this out.

Hi, I'm new here and I found this website by typing in "i want to kill someone" in the search bar.

ironic07 ironic07
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 7, 2010

Hi, I want to let you know you're not the only one who has felt this way. I know that these feelings you have are taboo in society, but it's tough if people haven't experienced it they don't understand. When my son was born three years ago, I also felt this way much of the time and I didn't even have to endure the awful circumstances you had. Please love yourself enough to get help. If you can't do that, then love your baby enough to get help. I promise the doctor will not think you're making it up. Your son needs you to be the best, happiest person you can become; getting help will do that. There are many resources to help mothers struggling with depression and I hope you seek help. Many mothers are depressed, and it's ok. With time and help this will pass, although it doesn't seem like it will at this moment. Thank you for sharing your story, you are a very strong woman and a good mom. I wish you love and luck!

Hi Ironic. You are not a bad person! You are so brave, to admit to these feelings that you have sometimes. Don't be afraid to go to the doctor, he can help put you in touch with people who understand, and sometimes have been through, exactly what you are experiencing now. Knowing that you are not the only one can help so much. You are doing a wonderful job, you have protected your baby by leaving the unhealthy relationship, and despite feeling overwhelmed and lost, you always make sure he is cared for. You are doing it all on your own. There is help and understanding out there, please reach out for it. Writing it all down here is a start. Well done. *HUG*