Motherless In A Different Way

I've been reading up on being a motherless daughter, most of them appear to have lost their mother through a tragic accident or illness, or never knew their mother, or something along those lines... all of those things are terrible and I wish no one would ever have to experience them.

I feel that I am motherless in a different way though.

For as far back as I can remember I have been expected to take care of my mother. I never felt like I had one, I always felt like I was responsible for her. I grew up and watched as my siblings slowly left the house one by one, and I was left to look after Mom. She's in her 60s now and still acts like a child. Yeah, she worked, provided for us, but at what cost?

We never see my brother, I think he had it as bad as I did before I was born. He's married with 3 children now, and he only comes into town once in a while. I have two older sisters too, one of them is in a wheelchair and lives in an assisted living center, and the other is married and off on her own, I'm left with Mom, as always.

I'm soon to be 25 and I don't know how to get her to understand she needs to grow up and let me have my life. She's been in and out of mental hospitals for as far back as I can remember. She's told me over and over again she'd kill herself if I leave. I feel so trapped. Often times I actually feel smothered like I can't breathe. She gets upset if I'm in my room alone, she comes in there asking if I'll come sit with her. I can't get away.

I've met my Soulmate, the other half of me, and he's Amazing. We're engaged to be married, and she keeps telling me once we get married we have to live with her or she'll "die"... I can't take this anymore. I want her happy, I just don't know what to do. I want my own life. I don't want to abandon her but I want my own life.

The only sense of having a parent I ever had was my Dad. He was wonderful, but he left this earth right before I turned 12, and a few years ago I was diagnosed with having the same disease that took his life. I know that medicine has changed, and I probably have more years than he did, but I really want to get started on my own life.

Oh yeah, and I never finished anything, when I got close she'd panic and get suicidal, so I'd sacrifice... I didn't finish high school (I have a GED), I didn't finish college... I want to move on, but she makes me feel so guilty for it... I've tried talking to her, and she says things like "Well HOPEFULLY I wont kill myself when you leave..." in such a manipulative tone... what can I do?
spetersen13 spetersen13
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 2, 2010

Where are you now? You are a compassionate person for hanging in there as you have. You are in charge of your life, she is not. Set the boundaries of your relationship. For example, you will have dinner on Fridays and go grocery shopping on Saturdays.

Your mother has codependency issues. I was looking through this group for the type of story that you wrote. I too feel that I won't be able to live my life until my mother dies. Whenever she's ignored she'll put herself in a hospital, cry in public and tell people around town that she's been abandoned, she'll purposely get into various car accidents. If I knew what to do I'd give you advice. My only hope was to call my own mothers bluff. She's too weak of a person to commit suicide. She just passes on that torch to someone else who'll carry her as a burden.