Motherless DaughterA deep ache. I lost my mother when I was 11. At the time, it didn't occur to me how deeply this was going to affect me. I was pretty much expecting it; her death.
She struggled with Hepatitis C for almost 3 years. The signs of her illness started appearing while I was in grade 3, around the age of 9. She was physically present, but not emotionally. When she succumbed to her illness, I didn't feel much difference in my life. I kind of felt relieved that I won't have to see her dying day by day. I'm now 19 years old. I have felt anger, and emptiness throughout the years. I struggled with trust issues with my ex-boyfriend. I cried. A lot. I used to cry over very silly things. I was perfectly sure that the crying wasn't because of the subject at hand, but I couldn't stop it, I cried, feeling the emptiness inside of me. All of these signs confused me. I wondered what might be wrong with me for years, until it hit me. I'm a motherless daughter. I read an article by a psychiatrist who has sat down with motherless daughters. She mentioned the common things her patients struggled with, it felt like she was describing my own life. It felt like constant slaps in the face as I moved from one symptom to another. At that very moment it hit me deep, I'm a motherless daughter. How will I ever deal with this emptiness, with this longing for a mother's love or for a simple mother-daughter relationship?