Motherless Daughter

A deep ache. I lost my mother when I was 11. At the time, it didn't occur to me how deeply this was going to affect me. I was pretty much expecting it; her death.
She struggled with Hepatitis C for almost 3 years. The signs of her illness started appearing while I was in grade 3, around the age of 9. She was physically present, but not emotionally. When she succumbed to her illness, I didn't feel much difference in my life. I kind of felt relieved that I won't have to see her dying day by day. I'm now 19 years old. I have felt anger, and emptiness throughout the years. I struggled with trust issues with my ex-boyfriend. I cried. A lot. I used to cry over very silly things. I was perfectly sure that the crying wasn't because of the subject at hand, but I couldn't stop it, I cried, feeling the emptiness inside of me. All of these signs confused me. I wondered what might be wrong with me for years, until it hit me. I'm a motherless daughter. I read an article by a psychiatrist who has sat down with motherless daughters. She mentioned the common things her patients struggled with, it felt like she was describing my own life. It felt like constant slaps in the face as I moved from one symptom to another. At that very moment it hit me deep, I'm a motherless daughter. How will I ever deal with this emptiness, with this longing for a mother's love or for a simple mother-daughter relationship?
TwoAngels961 TwoAngels961
18-21, F
5 Responses Jan 26, 2013

I lost my Mother after a short battle with cancer but years of ongoing health issues. It's been 33 years. I read "Motherless daughters". It validated so many feelings I had that I thought I should have. It really did make me feel normal.

One highlight was becoming a mother myself. It came with a lot of heartbreak and reminders of what other Mothers had that I didn't, but it also brought that special Mother /child bond back into my life. I proudly navigated teen years with my son having never being parented as a teen. I now also have a 9 year old daughter. That is so special to me. I look forward to experiencing so much with her in our future that I never got to with my Mum. I am fiercely protective of my kids and they are really the most important relationship to me.

It often feels like I'm trapezing without a safety net. I have no body who cares about me like a parent would. I have nowhere run to, no one to pick up the pieces.

I won't pretend it's easy and I can have complex needs and emotions that not many understand, but I'm happy, and I survived, and I'm proud.

You will survive too. <3

I lost mine too. I don't think the pain will ever go away. I hope things get better for you 🙏

hi sweet angel!lots of love to u.i can feel your i have also been going through all this loneliness for past 18 years.i too have never experienced that love care and tender from a mother.but one thing that i wanna tell u is that life is never perfect.whatever happens to us..there is always a reason behind that.i did not have much in terms of maternal love..but i think i grew rich in other literature,humanity..and m sure God has definitely a better plan for strong,be optimistic,and never ever regret of anything in life..believe me its worth living and very precious..if u find it difficult to establish trust in relations (like me)..then make BOOKS your best buddies..this way u will neither feel alone nor bad thoughts will occupy ur mind and also u will be filled with inspiration and positive thoughts.believe me it will bring a good change in ur life..never feel alone.god is always with u,me and all the beautiful daughters on this planet (who dont have a mom) u take very good care of happy..N feel free to share anything with me.may god bless u..lots of good wishes to u.

I am new to Experience Project, and so relieved I found it.
I have read very small parts of that book and nearly broke down.
However, I aim to fully read it so hopefully I can cope with the whole thing.
Thank you for your comment! Even though we are strangers, sharing your
deep thoughts with someone who can relate is priceless to me at the moment. Xo

First a big HUG to you 2angels! I'm so sorry for your loss. I too , am a motherless daughter, and I, like you thought I would never get past it. With the help of a very kind and caring psychologist, I was finally able to let go. It took me well over a year. I can't say you will never feel your feelings again, (I still do from time to time and its been 30 years) but time does help, as awfully cliche as that sounds. What you are feeling is normal even tho it hurts and feels so crummy right now.
If you think you can handle it, (as it will bring a lot of your feelings to the surface as well as tears) I highly recommend the book by Hope Edelstein, "Motherless Daughters"
Do you have priest, family member, or close friend (not a boyfriend) that you can share your feelings with? If not, how about a psychologist?. You've suffered a traumatic loss/event and it is ok to have a million different feelings. You were so young to lose a mother and I feel your pain. I kept asking why? (I'm one of those annoying must know 'why' all the time type persons). I tortured myself b/c my father cruelly blamed me when I had nothing to do with it. Email me anytime you need someone to listen. HUGS.