I Still Miss Her


My mom was sick for the majority of my life with her. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was six. She was 38. She died when I was 11 and she was 43. This August I will have lived more of my life without a mother. It is such a sad thought. It is making me miss her alot. I miss her everyday, I think about her everyday, but for some reason everything I do is triggering thoughts of her. Maybe because its an important year in my life. I am graduating college in 2 months. She isnt going to be there. I might be moving across the country. She isnt going to be there to wish me well. I don't know what it is, but I am just now starting to realize how she is truly all around me. I remember the last time I saw her and it's a memory that I hate thinking about. But, I always go back to it. It's so sad I wish I could remember some really good times. I remember her laugh, I remember some little little things. But I usually remember the sickness. The awful cancer. I remember I was so afraid the last time I saw her, I didnt even recognize her. She had no hair. Her frail petite body was basically lifeless, machines were so loud and she saw me. She was on so many drugs yet she knew who I was. Her daughter her only little girl. I was so scared of her though. She was screaming and she was so scared. I touched her and said something that my dad told me to say. Then it was over. I went home. I went to bed. And two days later my dad came home and said she died and I just said "Now I don't have a mom anymore" I cried alot.  And I dont thing I ever stopped crying.

I am coming to grips with the greif. 12 years later. Everything is like finally starting to make sense, because I am taking the blame off myself and realizing that I just don't have a mother who is alive. She died and when she was alive she loved me very very much. I know it. And its so peaceful to me. I am at this weird turning point in my life where I am coming of age and figuring out my career and future life post college. I want to do so many things my mom did not get to do. But the most important thing I want to do is to be a mother. I am not looking to get pregnant tomorrow. In just some part and stage of my life I want to be a mother. I want to experience the other side of a mother child relationship. I want to nurture a baby to a child to an adult. I want to be the mother I never had. I am so afraid I am going to die though. I am going to have a kid and then leave it. I don't want to put anyone through that ecspecially my own child.

I guess my story is that I am still sad and confused. But, Im better. And I know somewhere my mom knows it. She knows I love her. And that I think about her. Its hard for me to tell people about her. But its getting easier because I am starting to be at peace with her being gone. I will always keep her alive through memory. When I have kids, they will know about her. That is what I am going to do for her.

I love you so much Mom. I am sorry I never got to really know you. I wish you could be here..xoxo

caitterry caitterry
1 Response Feb 28, 2010

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, i feel all your pain, she will never leave you, and always keep he alive in your heart, God Bless you. I lost my husband 6 months ago, it still feel like yesterday, but I'm j telling you this too, because they never leave you their spirit is always around trust me I experience that all the time. Lots of prayerrs for you. Gray51