On The Playground

Yep, that's where we met, on the playground... third grade recess. Favorite time of day! In a heated game of tag-your-it, i pushed him down and planted one on his chubby cheek.

Fast Forward, my third year in college (still a sophomore by credit hours) I'm at a party, Hula party to be exact. There he was the life of the party in a grass skirt and a coconut shell bra. I was with my friend and he saw me from across the room and greeted me at the door way. All I could say when I first saw him was, I kissed you on the playground in third grade... he smiled and said Yep! that was it, that's all it took, unfortunately I had no idea what I would be getting myself into. I learned quickly from all of the surrounding party guests that he was an "amazing guitar player." They convinced him to pull out his guitar and strum a few cords, turns out he was amazing. So amazing I married him 3 years later. He captivated me with his charisma and music. He is so funny and always the life of the party, and that's what our life would be, a big party. He decided during our dating years he wanted to start up a band, I was all for it, I had nothing to loose. Turns out I was put on the back burner, left alone, and forgot about. I sold his "merch" at all the shows, I bought thousands of dollars worth of camera equipment to record his live performances, I helped with T-shirt designs you name it. But there was never a great appreciation for me. I felt as though it was expected of me, and I really didn't have a choice. After the nights sleeping alone, watching the clock at 2 am, with not so much as a phone call, I was tired of the worrying, and I left him. He came running back to me and begged me to come back but the damage for me had been done. I was alone for so long that I became numb and I thought that I had given him enough signs, enough warnings I had to leave him and do something drastic. Well it worked... he quit the band, and I became pregnant. That's when we got married. Now, there is a whole new story... for a split second it seemed (nine months really) that he was going to do right by me. He quit the band, he knew he would be a father and he needed to get his head out of the clouds. Chris was never into college, he dropped out the first year, school and books arnt his thing, he is so musically artistic that anything he does other than music just flat irritates him, he is currently in sales/retail which lets face it isn't much of anything right now in this economy, so with small checks coming in and a need to get out of his depression he doesn't turn to me, his wife, his partner, he turns to his passion, his dream, his focus, his future, his music. I wish I was describing myself when I type those words "passion, future, focus." To him I'm just a nagging wife, who wants to shoot down his dreams. NOT TRUE! I love his music, that's what pulled me in so many years ago... its not his music that irritates me, its what I think should be his main focus... I want him to want to be with me just as much as he wants to be with his guitar. I want him to WANT to spend time with our son together on the floor playing. I hate belittling his job and telling him that he needs to constantly find something better, but all he really wants to do is make music. Music isn't paying the bills, Momma is, and I'm TIRED of having ALL the responsibility on my head. I don't know sometimes how we will pay our new house mortgage (that we bought right when the economy took a nose dive for the worse). Now he is a member of a new band in Houston who he says is "more focused and determined" than the last band, they are recording singles, booking shows at venues, and guess what? expecting band dues... And it starts, all over again. I feel like I'm 20 again, but this time with a son, a mortgage and a husband who thinks he is 18. We butt heads every few weeks (mostly every payday for him) about these kinds of things, I read on line about women who struggle with their music men for over 35 years... and they are STILL fighting the same fight I am today. I guess the reason why I wanted to post my story is to tell some other random musicians wife that you are not alone, I feel your pain, and although I hate my life sometimes... I guess I just have to remind myself why I feel in love with him, it was for his music and the passion and the dream. I will stick by him because I have to, I'm not a "fair weather wife" even in the thunderstorms Ill be by his side, in my head kicking and screaming all the way. I do love him, I do support him, I just want more and I need to realize that I may never get anymore out of him so I can either suck it up and enjoy life as it is now, or choose a different road without him. Life without my husband? No thanks.

-Girl on a playground.

stephanie04g stephanie04g
22-25, F
7 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Just wanted to give you a little encouragement, things can get better. Not all of us are still fighting the same fight. I have been married to my guitar pla<x>yer husband for 23 years , since I was 19 and have two kids in college that were raised on the back of a bus. As time went on we learned to adjust to our unique lifestyle and really do have a "we are in this together" attitude. It was no doubt hard in the beginning but with communication, commitment and alot of counseling we are better that ever. Hang in there, its not always bad!

Took the words right out of my mouth. That's my worst fear. STILL going through what I'm going through 10-15+ years from now. According to everyone in this group, it doesn't get any easier. I guess that's when you ask yourself if it's worth it to be with him. To me, it is. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't want to be with him until the day I die, but it's hard to be in this lifestyle sometimes, well ALL the time. I keep looking for answers, but I haven't found any. Just " you learn to live with it " " it's this way, or not at all" blah blah. Hasn't anyone figured out how to balance everything?<br />
<br />

I can identify with everything you said. Accepting this kind of life is very hard, it doesn't stop hurting just because you've decided to live with it. Even when you try to shift your focus so you don't depend on them and the relationship is more balanced, the whole flakiness thing can feel really disrespectful. It's very hard not to just shut down. Hang in there, sister!

I've been where you are emotionally. In the last year my husband a 35year old musician has really shown me he can have it all, music wife and kids. It took us many years and a separation to figure this out. 5 languages of love is a great book.

I've been where you are emotionally. In the last year my husband a 35year old musician has really shown me he can have it all, music wife and kids. It took us many years and a separation to figure this out. 5 languages of love is a great book.

Reads like my life story. Lt me know if you ever find the perfect solution, and good luck to you.

Kudos to you for behaving like a grown-up through all this. Marriages are full of difficult moments that can harden your heart and make you look elsewhere. You knew he was like this to start, tried to change him, and seem to have accepted that the part you love about your husband is still there. Good luck, and happy dreams to you too (not just for him!)