Revelation: I Am Mean

I know that I don't have a pathological disorder because I don't quite fit the bill: I am very aware of my flaws, I don't feel like I'm entitled to more than others, I am receptive to criticism and quick to laugh at myself. But I just realized that many of the traits associated with narcissism are, unfortunately, inherent parts of my personality. I am disgusted with myself and want to change. I know that I am not better than anyone else, and I also know that any gifts that I may have were entirely coincidental and in the grand scheme of things nothing to brag about. (Note about me: I am a writer by profession, opera singer by education and aspiration, and painter in my spare time).

Basically, this all turned up because I insulted someone today - by accident, as usual. I have a somewhat twisted sense of humor and was trying to make a joke, but of course my jokes are only funny to the right people, and this time I clearly should have just kept my trap shut. The person I insulted is my aunt, who has been doing a whole lot for me lately. I am actually paying to use an extra room in her apartment right now, since she lives in a foreign country and I wanted to live there for a few months. Suffice it to say I owe her.

We had gone outside early in the morning to watch an eclipse and the sky was clouded over. A group of people who had been outside dispersed, and within a few minutes we were the only ones in the parking lot. I was sure that the heavens wouldn't suddenly open up, so I decided to go back to bed, but my aunt didn't budge. When I looked back she was still looking up at the (blank) sky. So I jokingly said, "What, are you pretending to look at the eclipse?" When she didn't reply, I said, "I'm going back in, since we're definitely not going to see anything." 

I realize in retrospect that the latter statement was quite bitchy, but was really floored me was her reaction to the first. She took it as malicious and nasty, which wasn't my intent at all. Then it hit me: it does not matter what I think. What matters is the way that she took it. And if I had just stopped and though for a second about the way that I said I was going in, I wouldn't have upset her so much. 

After musing on this, I realized how many of my traits were connected. I've often noted that the truly special are extremely humble, sweet people, which by extension implies that I am not talented at all. But I am just talented enough to have garnered a lot of praise from others, and I think combined with some other factors (bad childhood, pre-existing personality) those thoughts have eroded in my brain and turned me into someone who, while not pathologically narcissistic, certainly isn't a good person.

I'm sick of callously saying things that hurt the people around me, sick of being unable to empathize with certain problems, sick of being so quick to point out flaws in others, sick of having bizarre delusions of grandeur. I don't like those parts of myself and I want them gone. 

Thanks for reading...
UnfortunateSituation UnfortunateSituation
1 Response May 21, 2012

Good people always question there behavior and bad people never sit to think about if they are bad or not ..they simply do not you are just a human struggling through some parts of your personality you are trying to understand...i reccomend a book called "lessons for life" by silvia browne...i also reccomend you learn how to meditate so you can clear your mind..then afterwords write what you time you have a conversation with someone see yourself in them...besides we all need a break sometime life is hard enugh so try to make someones day brighter..DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP OR STAY IN GUILT TO LONG it drains your energy but instead be mindful and open to changes..soon things will get better..when you love others you start to love yourself for we are all one :)