I Feel Like A Douche

I was observing a friend overcoming her mothers abuses due to having NPD, I became interested in the symptoms because I felt as though my fiancé mother may have NPD. I discovered I in fact have NPD(not diagnosed but I'm certain I have it) I am diagnosed BPD and have found its commen to have NPD and BPD at the same time..I'm looking back now at my behavior and I feel like I've been some what douchee in the way I've acted..obsessed with my looks (I'm even an amateur model) I spend more money then I have on designer brands, boast constantly about how amazing my life my son and my fiancé are, if there is a mirror I must look at it and I'm phobic about aging I spend hundreds on anti aging products I'm only 21 I'm very smart clever and charming in an eerie way and I feel like I can controll people like puppets or something..I just want to be rich famouse and beautiful but I don't feel like I need to do anything to obtain this...I view it like this "I know how great I am so the world will feel the same" but in reality I've done nothing great...I feel so dumb people can probably spot my narcissism from a mile away and I'm just now realizing it...my mother tells me often, that as child (4yrs old) I would ask her "where is my glory?!" I thought until now i was simply repeating something I heard but maybe I was born a narcissist? People only care about my beauty any way that's how it's been my whole life..I would throw fits in the street because so many people would stop to compliment my mother on her beautiful daughter..that's how many people would complement me as a child that I would become anxiouse and overwhelmed and through fits screaming "go away from me" I've only been valued for how I look all my life, I wonder if I even had a chance to be a normal humble empathetic person...I need to seek help...
HipsterDBag HipsterDBag
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 19, 2012

don't worry, narcissism isn't so bad, so long as you're not hurting anybody. you're so young that you're probably just reaching the age where you'll grow out of the more problematic behaviour. you have probably been labelled as borderline mostly due to gender stereotyping, whereas if you were a boy you might have gotten an NPD diagnosis right up, or more likely been seen as normal, or if you were too quirky (saying "where's my glory?") you might even have been labeled with aspergers. it wouldn't surprise me if you are actually the social subtype of aspergers, and your borderline symptoms and the worst of your narcissistic symptoms developed due to the stress of being an aspie kid in a neurotypical community where you are misunderstood.