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My Brother Is A Narcissist

I'm 43 years old and have been living with a narcissistic brother my entire adult life. My mother was abusive, and we also suspect she was narcissistic, too. My brother idolized my mother, and thought she was perfect. She passed away 5 years ago, and he can't get over her. He cries incessantly every time someone brings her up. And he's turned her into a martyr. She's not a flawed woman who died of cancer, but some kind of saint who died for her heroic actions.
First off, my brother is fixated in the past. I think he's still stuck somewhere in high school, but he's 44 years old. He constantly talks about the past, watches TV shows from the past. Second, it's the little things he does and the things he says where his narcissism is apparent. For example, we're all visiting my dad for Christmas. My dad doesn't have enough room for all of us to stay at his house. My brother is staying with a friend of my dad. After his first night there, the next day he complains the house was cold and couldn't sleep. All the next day, he whined, complained and yelled about the cold house, but only to us, not my dad's friend. When we told him to ask the friend for an extra blanket, he said, "Oh, that would be rude. I'll just suffer." Then he continues yelling at us about the cold house. It occurred to me he doesn't want to solve the problem. He'd rather complain about it so he remains the center of attention.
He enters the room and says things like "Your gift is here! Me!" Or he says things like, "Isn't anyone going to notice my new shirt?"
He feigns empathy. For instance, the other day, we all talked about going to a movie. A little while later, my brother, the narcissist, says, "We're going to stay here and watch this movie and that movie." When I said I still wanted to go to the movie as we'd talked about, he said, "No, we can't go to the movie because Dad isn't feeling up to it. I can't believe you'd suggest such a thing." He feigns empathy for my dad as a way to make me look heartless for suggesting the movie, when I didn't suggest it at all. All that because he didn't to go to the movie. He was trying to manipulate us into going along with his plan. Every time he comes to visit my dad, he forgets things like shampoo, shaving cream, deodorant etc. Then he says the security at the airport confiscated all those items when they were in his checked baggage. Then my dad has to buy him all that stuff. But he insist my dad buy him the most expensive razor, the most expensive shampoo etc.
He has a million friends, which I don't get. Maybe I do get it. He's dramatic, grandiose, and acts like a rich Hollywood star. He can also be very charming. After a while, his friends either tell his he's self-centered or think he's mentally ill, but don't realize it's NPD. He's still single at 44. He doesn't act like a 44-year old. He acts like an 18-year old cool guy. He monopolizes the conversation, so nobody can talk but him. If you watch TV with him, he controls what you watch. He turns on a show then leaves the room. If you change the channel because he left the room, he comes back and says "I was watching that." If you do laundry and wash his stuff along with everyone else's stuff, when the clothes are in the dryer, he gets out only his own clothes and leaves everyone else's in there. He's extremely disdainful. Everyone is fat and ugly and nobody cares how they look. And it's always their fault they're fat because they're lazy. There's the preoccupation with the physical appearance. He thinks he looks amazing.
A few years ago, my dad took him to a therapist against his will because he wanted a mental health professional to talk to him. The therapist spent a few hours with him and concluded he had NPD. She never told him that. She told my dad that. After that, my brother refused to go back to her, citing that the therapist was incompetent. So this is how know he has NPD.
I'm at my wit's end with him. Thankfully I live in CA and he lives in Chicago, so I don't have to see him much. But I'm to the point where I need to sever all ties to him and forget I even have a brother. I'd like to tell him he has NPD and that until he admits his illness and seeks help, he and I are done. I've been trying to get him to get therapy for years, but it's always everyone else who needs help. Has anyone experienced this with a sibling? Or any other family member? How do you deal with it?
deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Dec 25, 2012

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yes, i have a brother that is a narcisisst. He always starts a fight. He likes to push buttons and he thinks he is always in a competition with me. i now realize after alot of abuse and having the strenghth to realize its not me, he really is mentally sick with NPD. He has no friends and has a contolling possesive wife who wanted five kids. sometimes i feel they are a cult. I think she may has NPD also. I really need to distance myself because he calls me gets me to feel sorry for him i then reveal my problems and i feel he uses it against me and tells his wife everything so they can sit back and judge. As soon as i let him back into my life he starts little disguised insults coming at me. He likes to put me down and he thinks he is better when I call him out on it, he says im the crazy one, i think its called gaslighting. When i dont hear from him for awhile i feel happier in my life. i really need to cut ties. Oh yeh his whole face book page is him and his kids. He is so selfish and so is his wife. The only time they like me is if Im praising them or doing something for them. Im done. and cant keep doing this anymore. Any advice out there?

Yup, and I live with one. For about a little while i went to a therapist who used to 'treat' him. This therapist, who had a particular practice geared towards NPD patients, admitted that my sibling narcissist was the worst of kind she had ever encountered - no empathy, angry 98% of the time, knows EVERYTHING, an overwhelming negative presence, is actually an idiot, every time he opens his mouth he says something stupid, untrue, or flat out lies, he is also a pathological liar with a utterly hostile relationship with the truth. He sucks my family dry. Sadly, my parents enable him and he brings not an iota of joy to anyone's life.

this reminds me of when spouses, parents and siblings invade aspergers support groups. the first 90% of your story was a very interesting portrait of a narcissist, who at this stage is not capable of coming here himself, but the last 10% was just a whinge and very disrespectful to the narcissists here who are coming to terms with their diagnosis and/or consequences of their behaviour. there are other more appropriate groups to seek support for dealing with a narcissist. this group is for narcissists to seek support to deal with themselves and others. i do, however, think the first 90% of the story was a valuable contribuion here!

my point is, this is the WRONG GROUP! this is a group FOR NARCISSISTS! there are other groups you can join, worded to the effect "i am a victim of a narcissist". THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM! for the record, i am aspergers, not narcissist. but as an outsider to this group, i come here with the same respect that i expect in an aspergers group. but YOU, have made this all about YOU. makes me wonder if it is YOU who is the narcissist, projecting onto your brother? oh sorry, my bad, you are in the correct group after all.

I suggest you cut him off. I've had a friend who's father was a narcissistic and she got screwed over by him so badly. She cut him off, and though she's trying to get over what she had to put up with with her father, she's happy that she's no longer dealing with him. You should be probably cut him off as well just to save you the heartache.