My Brother Is A Narcissist

I'm 43 years old and have been living with a narcissistic brother my entire adult life. My mother was abusive, and we also suspect she was narcissistic, too. My brother idolized my mother, and thought she was perfect. She passed away 5 years ago, and he can't get over her. He cries incessantly every time someone brings her up. And he's turned her into a martyr. She's not a flawed woman who died of cancer, but some kind of saint who died for her heroic actions.
First off, my brother is fixated in the past. I think he's still stuck somewhere in high school, but he's 44 years old. He constantly talks about the past, watches TV shows from the past. Second, it's the little things he does and the things he says where his narcissism is apparent. For example, we're all visiting my dad for Christmas. My dad doesn't have enough room for all of us to stay at his house. My brother is staying with a friend of my dad. After his first night there, the next day he complains the house was cold and couldn't sleep. All the next day, he whined, complained and yelled about the cold house, but only to us, not my dad's friend. When we told him to ask the friend for an extra blanket, he said, "Oh, that would be rude. I'll just suffer." Then he continues yelling at us about the cold house. It occurred to me he doesn't want to solve the problem. He'd rather complain about it so he remains the center of attention.
He enters the room and says things like "Your gift is here! Me!" Or he says things like, "Isn't anyone going to notice my new shirt?"
He feigns empathy. For instance, the other day, we all talked about going to a movie. A little while later, my brother, the narcissist, says, "We're going to stay here and watch this movie and that movie." When I said I still wanted to go to the movie as we'd talked about, he said, "No, we can't go to the movie because Dad isn't feeling up to it. I can't believe you'd suggest such a thing." He feigns empathy for my dad as a way to make me look heartless for suggesting the movie, when I didn't suggest it at all. All that because he didn't to go to the movie. He was trying to manipulate us into going along with his plan. Every time he comes to visit my dad, he forgets things like shampoo, shaving cream, deodorant etc. Then he says the security at the airport confiscated all those items when they were in his checked baggage. Then my dad has to buy him all that stuff. But he insist my dad buy him the most expensive razor, the most expensive shampoo etc.
He has a million friends, which I don't get. Maybe I do get it. He's dramatic, grandiose, and acts like a rich Hollywood star. He can also be very charming. After a while, his friends either tell his he's self-centered or think he's mentally ill, but don't realize it's NPD. He's still single at 44. He doesn't act like a 44-year old. He acts like an 18-year old cool guy. He monopolizes the conversation, so nobody can talk but him. If you watch TV with him, he controls what you watch. He turns on a show then leaves the room. If you change the channel because he left the room, he comes back and says "I was watching that." If you do laundry and wash his stuff along with everyone else's stuff, when the clothes are in the dryer, he gets out only his own clothes and leaves everyone else's in there. He's extremely disdainful. Everyone is fat and ugly and nobody cares how they look. And it's always their fault they're fat because they're lazy. There's the preoccupation with the physical appearance. He thinks he looks amazing.
A few years ago, my dad took him to a therapist against his will because he wanted a mental health professional to talk to him. The therapist spent a few hours with him and concluded he had NPD. She never told him that. She told my dad that. After that, my brother refused to go back to her, citing that the therapist was incompetent. So this is how know he has NPD.
I'm at my wit's end with him. Thankfully I live in CA and he lives in Chicago, so I don't have to see him much. But I'm to the point where I need to sever all ties to him and forget I even have a brother. I'd like to tell him he has NPD and that until he admits his illness and seeks help, he and I are done. I've been trying to get him to get therapy for years, but it's always everyone else who needs help. Has anyone experienced this with a sibling? Or any other family member? How do you deal with it?
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8 Responses Dec 25, 2012

Definitely. I'm 53 and I have a 55 year old brother. He's never been married. No children. He has a girlfriend for the last few years. But, they seem to have a very strained relationship. He has managed to take complete control of her life. When she lost her job, he agreed to take over the payments on her car as long as she put it in his name. Now, if she decides to leave, she can't take the car. She wants to work, but he places limits on where she can work, which makes it nearly impossible to find work in this economy. Without a job, she'll never be able to leave. And, that's exactly what he wants....for her to be trapped so that he can treat her as terribly as he wants and she still has no choice but to stay. He can be very sweet and charming, but his mood changes on a dime. If he doesn't get his way about something or she is critical of him, he pouts or rages. My relationship with him has always been terrible. Even in childhood, he used my emotional weaknesses against me. He knew I hated to be mocked so he did it constantly. When I got older and smarter, he couldn't win verbal arguments anymore, so he started to hit me out of frustration. I fear that he will hit his girlfriend...if he hasn't already. He barks orders and preaches at us constantly. We've always dealt with it by nodding and then doing what we want to do anyway. We simply appeased him because arguing was pointless. A few months ago, our mother became ill and couldn't care for herself during her recovery. I don't work so I told her to come stay at my house until she could be on her own. My brother convinced her that she wouldn't recover in my house. He took her home and then demanded that I, my husband, and our grown daughter take shifts caring for her in her house. He didn't ask. He demanded..and after I had offered to take full care of her in my home for as long as she needed. He accused me of trying to take over. I was just trying to do what was easiest for everyone. Our family gets along small doses. But, if thrown together in the same house on a daily basis, I knew we would soon be at each other's throats...and that's precisely what happened. He guilted all of us into doing it "his way." Then, when we finally got an appointment with home health, he purposely didn't tell us about it. He didn't want us there interfering with his control. He views us as foot soldiers. We do the grunt work, but he makes the decisions. He has to be in charge. And, whenever anything went wrong, he was unnecessarily critical. When he cut us out, I stopped going over there and left him and his girlfriend to do it. I told my mom she was till welcome to come to my house any time. He managed to push our daughter away too by telling her that our mom felt insecure unless he or his girlfriend were there 24-7. She was terribly hurt by that. Luckily, mom is on her own now, but he resents me and is constantly trying to drive a wedge between me and my mom. He tells her that if I really cared about her, I wouldn't have stuck him with all of her care. He tells her I'm the reason she got sick. He blamed me because he had to take unpaid leave after he had pushed me and everyone else away. Now, he truly hates me because I won't allow him to control me. I am so sick of his game playing, manipulative, lying bullshit, I could scream. If it weren't for my mom, I would cease all contact with him and never look back. And, when she does go, I will be done with his sadistic *** forever. He better hope his girlfriend hangs in there with him, because she's all he's got once mom is gone. If she leaves, it's the nursing home for him some day. And, with his bad attitude, they'll gladly leave him to sit in his own **** all day. I know that sounds bitter, but he is a truly horrible person--beyond redemption. He's a cruel, hateful, insensitive, selfish, lying piece of ****. If you are in a relationship with such a person, get out if you can before they destroy you emotionally.

You can't deal with them.I grew up with 4 siblings with it.It might help you to deal with it by seeing a therapist yourself.I thought something was wrong with me.So I thought therapy would help.I took many many years to find a therapist who understood my symptoms. Come to find out my therapist tells me she thinks NPD runs in my family.I have several besides my siblings in my extended family.DRS.don't know for sure if it's inherited or not.It does though have something to do with how you are raised.Parents can be either overprotective or total absence of parenting.Too far either way and you can create a narcissist.I have done a lot of reading on it.All say no contact or very limited contact is the best thing to do.That helps. But you are left with the fact that they never really loved you which is very difficult to deal with for me at least.If you can stay as far away as possible.I suggest you goolge it and do some reading on it.They are really sick people.(mentally ill}.But the truth is they know exactly what they are doing and enjoy what they are doing to you.Two of my siblings have actually bragged to my face about it.Because I cant speak up {due to their ill treatment of me}for myself I just take it.You see my mother told me my whole life that these people would be my life long friends. So I trusted them.By the time I was 12 they had me smoking pot.My sister forced me to smoke it by threatening me with her fist.I've since found out that I did't develop properly because of this.I have been in many abusive relationships and felt I deserved it.I know they are sick.But I still can't help but hate them.They really messed my life up.My therapist told me that it maybe the only reason I'm not NPD is because as a teenager I decided that I was not going to be like these people.The truth is very dear to me.Since your brother has NPD I know you know why.Anyway god luck with your situation and if you need someone to talk to message me anytime.

The way I am going to start dealing with it is to cut him loose. He lived with my dad two blocks away. On December 14th my dad committed suicide. For years I had to walk on egg shells and never was able to say anything to him, because it would cause a fight. He lived and thrived on my moms and dads guilt for being a child of divorce. Its just a horrible situation.

so sorry for you loss.

I am dealing with a brother that is 46. My husband and i just figured out that he had NPD, today. After searching and searching the internet.

yes, i have a brother that is a narcisisst. He always starts a fight. He likes to push buttons and he thinks he is always in a competition with me. i now realize after alot of abuse and having the strenghth to realize its not me, he really is mentally sick with NPD. He has no friends and has a contolling possesive wife who wanted five kids. sometimes i feel they are a cult. I think she may has NPD also. I really need to distance myself because he calls me gets me to feel sorry for him i then reveal my problems and i feel he uses it against me and tells his wife everything so they can sit back and judge. As soon as i let him back into my life he starts little disguised insults coming at me. He likes to put me down and he thinks he is better when I call him out on it, he says im the crazy one, i think its called gaslighting. When i dont hear from him for awhile i feel happier in my life. i really need to cut ties. Oh yeh his whole face book page is him and his kids. He is so selfish and so is his wife. The only time they like me is if Im praising them or doing something for them. Im done. and cant keep doing this anymore. Any advice out there?

Yup, and I live with one. For about a little while i went to a therapist who used to 'treat' him. This therapist, who had a particular practice geared towards NPD patients, admitted that my sibling narcissist was the worst of kind she had ever encountered - no empathy, angry 98% of the time, knows EVERYTHING, an overwhelming negative presence, is actually an idiot, every time he opens his mouth he says something stupid, untrue, or flat out lies, he is also a pathological liar with a utterly hostile relationship with the truth. He sucks my family dry. Sadly, my parents enable him and he brings not an iota of joy to anyone's life.

this reminds me of when spouses, parents and siblings invade aspergers support groups. the first 90% of your story was a very interesting portrait of a narcissist, who at this stage is not capable of coming here himself, but the last 10% was just a whinge and very disrespectful to the narcissists here who are coming to terms with their diagnosis and/or consequences of their behaviour. there are other more appropriate groups to seek support for dealing with a narcissist. this group is for narcissists to seek support to deal with themselves and others. i do, however, think the first 90% of the story was a valuable contribuion here!

my point is, this is the WRONG GROUP! this is a group FOR NARCISSISTS! there are other groups you can join, worded to the effect "i am a victim of a narcissist". THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM! for the record, i am aspergers, not narcissist. but as an outsider to this group, i come here with the same respect that i expect in an aspergers group. but YOU, have made this all about YOU. makes me wonder if it is YOU who is the narcissist, projecting onto your brother? oh sorry, my bad, you are in the correct group after all.

I'm sorry but I typed in Narrcissistic victims syndrome and this is the first site on my list.

If it's for just narcissist why when I when I asked google to find Narcissistic Victims syndrome did it come up.With Questions about being a victim of narcissist?

I suggest you cut him off. I've had a friend who's father was a narcissistic and she got screwed over by him so badly. She cut him off, and though she's trying to get over what she had to put up with with her father, she's happy that she's no longer dealing with him. You should be probably cut him off as well just to save you the heartache.