The Shame, the Guilt, the Perks

I'd change if it didn't work.

I'd change if people thought it was more than a larger-than-life ego.

I'd change if people didn't like me.

But my friends think I'm just a little self-absorbed. They don't know the calculating behavior, the subtle manipulations in my favor.

But I want to change.

It haunts me, the guilt and fear that someday people will put two and two together. I try to find websites, books, anything, but all the self-help is for people dealing with narcissists.

And I can't help but think- whiners. Grow a back bone.

Like yourself.

Like yourself as much as I like myself.

epiphanyfusion epiphanyfusion
18-21, F
8 Responses Mar 11, 2009

I don't know. I think narcissists are very concerned about image. Their false image that they show to others. That's my problem. I don't think a narcissist is truly in love with him/herself but lost in themselves. It's like no one else exists except them. Everything/everyone around them is the mirror to give them self-esteem that they actually lack.

"It doesn't make me feel less of myself to not have people enjoy my company,.." <br />
This doesn't sound like a narcissist at all.. If I felt that some folks weren't enjoying my company, my mind would start scrambling for reasons, and most of those reasons would have to do with "what's wrong with me" Then, later I would say to myself, "they are NOT nice people" or worse.. You might be a little full of yourself, but narcissist? Maybe not...

I identify with you quite a bit. But when someone I have respect for doesn't like me, oooh it bother me. I dwell on it to a point where it can really depress me. Than I convince myself of their failings and that usually helps.

i calculate everything too, i think mostly cause im lazy and want all the favorable stimulation to come to me easily. i learned that trick at an early age and it stuck with me, I think i realized it MIGHT end up being a problem the day i was doing an impersonation with my friend... and it stuck. The favorable reaction was guaranteed everytime so my brain locked on to it. <br />
i say all that cause i can COMPLETELY relate to the "needing a positive reaction at all times" thing. Do you also feel like you're trying to get by on superficial things cause u don't like the idea of having to work hard for something?<br />
... or are we two different types ;)

I don't feel superiority over people, or think them beneath me or not worth as much as me. There are people I think are funnier, smarter, better looking then me. But I like myself- a lot. My self confidence is spotless. I like myself to a point of almost absurdity. <br />
<br />
However- <br />
<br />
I know it's not just a big ego, but narcissism because of the shame and disappointment when people don't like you. It's an all-encompassing need (at least for a while) to have them understand why you are so, well, great. It doesn't make me feel less of myself to not have people enjoy my company, I just get flummoxed when people don't respond like the majority and think I'm a funny, interesting person- and flock to me. It upsets me internally, never visibly, then my mind reminds me of the power of myself. Their reasons fall on deaf ears. Then, I dismiss them from my mind. Not entirely, they may still be a fun person, but I let them go and fall into the abyss of people who don't particularly like me.<br />
<br />
There are not very many.<br />
<br />
Not that you know from reading this. <br />
<br />
Hoo, lordy, I am full of myself.

wow you sound like my twin sister and like you shes a <br />
narcissic and its so sad becalse I know why shes so self absorbed , becalse her innerchild didnt get the eccaptencices that was healthy to have a good self esteem, thats why she also sees her self as biger than life and biger than she really is but I unerstand why she is the way she is and every time i see a person like urself and like my sister i understand . but when my sister learns to love her self and see her self threw the eyes of the world she will see shes not a bad person but many people see threw the larger than life people and its all good we are all diffrent and thats what makes the world go around .

i dont think i understand you completely. do you mean you have an intense liking for yourself? cause wouldn't that just mean you have a healthy love for who you are, or do you just find your appearence really gratifying?<br />
OR do you feel a sense of superiority over people? sorry, i just dont fully understand :]

Yes you are!!!!