This Sucks!!!

 im a musician, and since i was 7 (27 now) i've been told that i was some kind of genius 'cause i could play some instruments, i saw this as my way out of living a 9 to 5 and being rich one day, so i started being reeeally nice to everyone and making everybody happy all the time, and it felt really good, And it got me access, i wanted to be somewhere or get something and making people happy got it for me. But i lost my personality and work ethic as a result. I just have masks now, and when there's no need for one, i'm stuck with an awkward "waiting for a cue" look on my face. I literally haveto make a constant effort to relax my face.


I'm EXTREMELY logical and over-analytical now, because thinking made life easy for me... i live with my mom now, my girlfriend left the country, and im not sure but i think i could say "whatever" if she was out of the picture long enough. but as its going on, i want to do anything and everything to make her feel right..."want" to, like somebody with a severe eating disorder "wants" to start going to the gym.


i'm just weak now, and complain alot, and it sucks. And when i try to stop complaining, my mind complains until i complain about it.

i'm tryin to figure it out, and so far i think it sums up as:

1-im lazy/ based my life off living a lazy & pain free life

2-my "be nice" life motto just gets me taken advantage of

3-I feel like i'm owed (unreasonably)

4-My mind's splitting up and desperately trying to generate a way out of this mess/ i can't focus on the tasks i need to do to get **** done (that i ALREADY had a problem with doing)

5-My over-thinking has been draining my life of values


ok, does that NOT sound crazy to anybody? :)

spok spok
2 Responses Mar 26, 2009

I know completely how you feel. I think action is key. Taking any action, just one thing and then add to it. Not that I am doing this but I think it's important to slowly build out of a lazy lifestyle. Like force yourself to take one walk per day, even if it's just for 10 minutes. Then add on to that.

Actually it soundslike it might have come from my journal, If I could ever keep a journal. I've tried, but can't make it past week 1. lol.<br />
Anyhow, it sounds crazy, but I relate 100%.