I'm A Covert Narcissist

I am a narcissist as well. My narcissism may have resulted from my upbringing being the oldest and the only male in my family, and having a mother who showered me with compliments and praise whenever she had the chance to... This was compounded by an overbearing and terribly unappreciative father, whose behavior towards my every move and every inclination pushed my narcissism onward and upward in order to compensate for the lack of fatherly appreciation.. maybe that's it.. maybe not.. All I know for sure is that I think I'm a lot better than any of my peers. Sometimes it shows and sometimes it doesn't but in my writings it is pretty damn obvious.

Drawani Drawani 22-25, M 5 Responses Apr 2, 2010

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Thankyou Stumbeline - for the links and advice - especially the one on inverted Narcisscism - I appreciate it greatly - and at a glance it seems pretty close to the mark of what I have intermittently feared for a long time but always supressed. I began by noticing another friend who it appeared always had to be right and noted that people who are always right will always say it is the other person. I also looked at judgementalism and noted that I have been told from childhood that I am very "pass-judgemental" and it has been quite true to a point. />

So then I also began looking at myself and the way I always feel like I am in predator - prey relationships even though it is probably not so - which finally lead me to discover the concept of Narcisscistic abuse here: />

I had toyed with my own elaborate understanding on the predator-prey relationship and wondered whether there isn't something that happens in the abuse cycle in which people who's lives are marked by abuse and who are unwilling or unable to shed the baggage get trapped in a situation where all their relationships are like a coin on which one side is "predator" and the other is "prey" with a very rare and difficult balance required to keep the relationship balanced on the edge so as not to fall to one side or the other. I have found that in intimate relationships I often end up feeling like the "victim" even when it isn't so (the terror button simply goes off in my head intermittantly whether I like it or not turning a positive exchange into a negative one with the blink of an eye) and that I am attracted to people who feel the same way and are therefore sensitive to this fear within me and my recent "relationship" with someone with seemingly similar fears and a similar awareness of this possibility was the most fear free of my life - astoundingly so - until I realised that I was potentially abusing the other person. Neither of us openingly speak out when we are feeling fearful because it is so constant, "abnormal" and difficult to explain. I had lost sight of the necessary balance and flipped the coin too far without realising.

It is a terrifying thing to find your mirror image in someone who's life has been so touched by abuse - even more so to look in the mirror and see a monster where previously there had only been a mouse!

Searching for information on predator-prey relationships and abuse which lead me to these articles and eventually Sam Vaknin;

"A relationship with a narcissist is much like that of the predator and its prey." Ava St Clair. /> n/npd/index.html kbully/npd.htm

In the end I don't think the diagnosis matters as much as dealing with the issues that brought us here - particularly the thought processes and belief systems involved and I have come to realise that - as always - my core problem is FEAR and my inane reflex toward trying to CONTROL variables to avoid fearful outcomes even though I "KNOW" that the real problem is the notion of control itself. Self - diagnosis is of course dangerous so I will be patient and see how counselling unfolds!

Thankyou again!

Thankyou for this one.

I must say that I am very new to this and self-diagnosis is a dangerous option but I have been involved in a relationship of sorts for six months and the way it has progressed has lead me to suspect that Narcisscistic abuse is involved on some level. I originally suspected the other person but then on learning that Narcisscists project accusations towards others began looking at my own behaviours and realised that it was probably me. I find that I also suspect other people I am closely involved with of being extreme narcisscistic controllers and then wonder if it is also me. It is true everyone is narcissistic to some degree and I see the traits on both sides of the "relationship" but Stumbleline's description in particular raises a number of issues I identify quite strongly with - in particular the feeling of enjoying the self-sacrifice of devoting myself to others - (particularly my 'lover') - but at the same time feeling miserable and abused at ultimately gaining little satisfaction or resolution for myself in doing this. I came across a diagnostic category called "self-depricating narcisscist" and this seems to fit. I try not to look for anyone to blame and following the principle that the only person we can really control is ourselves am finally seeking help to sort out what is really going on with me!

I think the root of my narcissism is the same as yours; an overly affectionate mother ("but honey, you could do anything you wanted!") and a dismissive father ("You're a girl, you don't need a degree."). It's that kind of imbalance that caused problems for me, you fear the lack of affection from one parent so much that you do EVERYTHING you can to get the praise from the other. And then you end up jealous if anyone else gets it instead of you, and you feel the need to be the absolute best. Maybe it's the same for you. It IS something you can come to terms with, when you understand why you do it.

And from my own experience, other people are pretty terrible at picking up on my narcissism. Sometimes I like that, and at other times I feel overlooked and unimportant because of it. Do you want people to realise it about you or do you prefer it if they don't?

If being a narcissist includes not adhering to "sense of obligation" and all that other blather, then count me in. I love people....when I want them around, I like being by myself most of all - I am one of those people who everyone knows (and I'm kind to them - in fact I will do favors as long as it doesnt include giving them rides, having them just "pop" over unannounced. I see my life as this: I am comfortable behind my pane of glass, with only a very few included in my inner circle that I can coexist with, and still do my own thing, without being harangued into "have tos" and "please entertain me's"; if you can do that, you're welcome hanging around. I love society...I love society as I wave to it from the other side of my glass...I hate returning FaceBook smileys and elf, am i narcissist? or just bitchy?