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Sometimes, I Wonder...

There are times I wake up in tears.

I can never remember the nightmare that caused them- bits, pieces, but never enough to piece together what occurred entirely. Then I begin to think, and my mind wanders instantly to him. I remember exactly the way he looked in his uniform, the way he had stiffly marched back toward the barracks as I drove off, the mask of a sailor fit his features so well...

To keep my mind off it, I click my digital camera on, and begin to rifle through old photos. Memories frozen in pixels and splashes of colors. These were simpler times, happier times. Friends all sipping on tea in Border's. Family members opening presents come Christmas. Pets being hilariously adorable.

Funny how one so rarely finds a somber face in a photograph.

And then there's one photo that makes my entire being freeze. It's a simple photo, taken as a candid shot in the middle of winter. I have some sort of silly fleece hat on, and he's chuckling at my childish pout. We're standing in front of each other, noses touching, tipped red from the bite of the cold.

The screen's display is distorted somewhat by a droplet of water.

And the mystery of my tears is solved.

Sometimes, I wonder if it would be easier to hate his choice in career. Maybe if I hadn't been raised in a Navy family to begin with. Maybe if I didn't know what I was going to go through to some degree before...

...and just like that, the thought perishes.

And then I realize that I physically can't breathe because I'm reliving the epiphany I've had for every night that I've thought to myself that this bed is too big without him in it.

It wouldn't matter even if I did hate his career.

Because I could never bring myself to live without him.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like, had he not joined. He wouldn't have matured...and neither would I. We would age as others would- unappreciative of what we had, never comprehending what we could lose, blind to the potential we each had if we only had room to grow...

And then I realize that I can't even bring myself to hate the Navy.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried harder to show him how much I love him while I had the chance. Even as the days grew numbered, I didn't make any overly blatant shows of affection- absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, as if I had all the time in the world to love him. As if he was always going to be there.

And then I realize that I couldn't have loved him any more than I already did.

Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about me, if I haunt his thoughts as much as he enjoys to ghost into mine. He says he misses me, though he never delves deeper. His voice is fathoms deep in longing when he murmurs my name over the phone, his words plunged into the very pit of despair when he talks of how long it will be until he can hold me again. He feels as I feel, loves as I love, and distance is not enough to break us. Somehow, I can see him standing in front of me, his uniform blending almost perfectly in with the snow that's around us -I'm wearing some sort of silly fleece hat, and he's chuckling at my childish pout. Our noses are touching, tipped red from the bite of the cold...

...And then I realize I have fallen into a peaceful sleep at last...

nerdygirl92 nerdygirl92 18-21, F 6 Responses Sep 12, 2011

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Very nice. Thank u for sharing

Have you been haunting my dreams too nerdygirl?? At my weakest moment I want to resent his choice so badly... but it just isn't feasible. Had he been ordinary, he would've taken the path of college, enjoying his youth, getting wasted, and we probably would've ended on a sour note over some little-miss-thing at some university. But he is far from ordinary; they are all far from ordinary, and it makes them all the more lovable. The few and the brave. <3

That is powerful. Are you a writer? Not only did this describe my exact situation but I also really appreciated your correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation. :)

i loveee this! I almost cried because you basically described exactly how i feel. :)

These lines brought tears to my eyes: "Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like, had he not joined. He wouldn't have matured...and neither would I. We would age as others would- unappreciative of what we had, never comprehending what we could lose, blind to the potential we each had if we only had room to grow..."<br />
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I often think that, too, but I know I won't have it any other way. I won't have HIM any other way. The apprehensions, the doubts, the fears for our future will always be there; they'll never go away. But I'm learning how not to let them get the best of me and keep me from cherishing what we have always had together.<br />
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Thank you for sharing this. :)

I relate to your story so much... I look back on the past and think "These were the easy-going days." Then I realize that this entire navy experience is necessary for us to grow as individuals. No matter how frustrating the distance can be, our relationship has not changed. We would act exactly the same way together as we used to, as if we are picking up from where we left off.

That's precisely how my relationship with my sailor is- it's not a matter of acting differently to one another, but the simple fact that we can appreciate the time we have together so much more than we used to. If anything, I believe relationships like these are only strengthened in light of these sorts of situations!