Little Heartbeat, Large Shock

Since my last post to you all, much has changed in my life- I'm married much sooner than I thought I would be, so my mom could see us married before she passed, now I'm across the country from where I was before, and living with my husband of nine months-

...I'm beginning to grow petrified of those last two words, "nine months."

Not because of my husband, don't misunderstand- two nights ago, I discovered I was pregnant.

Pregnant.

At 20.

My thirteen year old self would be so ashamed of me- I had vowed to become successful, have the wedding of my dreams, have kids ONLY after I had been content with my lot in life and wanted children to be brought into the picture on my own terms.

I haven't even finished college yet, wound up in a quick courthouse marriage that hardly anyone I had wanted to be there could make it to, and I've never been more terrified in my life.

All I wanted was for my husband to tell me that it would be okay.

He was asleep when I found out; I had taken the test out of worry for missing my period by two weeks by then. When I saw the second little line shyly poke into my sight, I lost it. I started crying, and accidentally woke him up. When he asked what was wrong, I showed him the test, and he said nothing at first, which I could understand- I could hardly form a thought. Then, he shrugs, mumbles, "I don't know what we're going to do about it," and proceeded to lie back down and go to sleep.

Leaving me to my thoughts.

What was I going to do? What AM I going to do? I don't know yet, but I've already got a baby bump that gives me mixed feelings already- feeling life stir within my belly is...frightening, and yet...all I want to do is shelter it and nurture it. When my husband finally woke up, we started talking about it, and the conversation was relatively short- it consisted of him saying, "We can't afford to have a baby, so we should probably not keep it."

And as far as he's concerned, the issue is being dealt with.

Not for me.

He doesn't feel the pains and the shifts as this little budding life begins to bloom and take shape in my belly. He doesn't feel its heartbeat like I can. He has no attachment to it because it's NOT ATTACHED TO HIM.

The doctors express concerns for me delivering the baby, because of some hormonal/reproductive problems I'm diagnosed with (PCOS being one of them) and tell me that there's a good chance either my baby and/or I could die in childbirth.

But I don't know if I could prevent my baby's life from being formed...

...any advice, from anyone...would be greatly appreciated.
nerdygirl92 nerdygirl92
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 7, 2012

I'm pregnant as well. I will be 10 weeks on Monday :-) All I can say is where there is a will there is a way. We are eligible for wic. You could get a part time job. If you want this baby you can make it work! As far as PCOS I have it as well and it sounds like you could use a new doctor. Once you are pregnant you have overcome the hardest part of it: getting pregnant. The only other major risk is gestational diabetes. Even that isn't a huge deal! Reach out to fleet and family. You can do it!

Thank you for the advice, hon. Yeah, I'm worried because of some other hormonal fluctuations I have and things my doctor has pointed out to me- there are other things physically wrong with me other than PCOS, but the PCOS is the least concerning thing at this point, honestly. It's the other issues I have that have the doctors concerned, but I understand where you're coming from. I'm just shocked my husband doesn't even want to try and have this baby. We've talked about children before, and how we wanted kids eventually, but his lack of commitment has me...worried.