You know that stinging feeling you get when you're hanging out with your couple friends? It's not really jealousy, because this is the couple that speaks in "we" and you have to put up with their obnoxious lovey dovey couple antics being shoved in your face. It’s not jealousy because you don't want what they have, you just miss what you don’t have any more; someone who is miles and miles away and won’t be coming back anytime soon. At one point while sitting and having a personal pity party, I realize that this is how life is going to be from now on. Solo at social events, stag at parties, and always the third wheel to outings. My sailor will always be gone and miss my anxiety about school and miss my birthday and miss holidays and miss anniversaries, miss little events and big events and the one person I want to share everything with can't be there for it all. Everyone's favourite hobby is to remind me how I chose this lifestyle and that this is how it is going to be as long as I am with him. So I know, I know I can't feel sorry for myself, I know he feels bad he can't be here with me and I can’t be selfish and complain and make him feel like his choices and decision to go was wrong because it wasn’t and isn’t, because his life and happiness are important and he deserves to be happy. I know I have to continue to face events alone but I also know I can handle it. He does not have to be here for us to work. As long as he continues to be okay and happy then I can try to be too. It’s just tonight is one of those nights I really wish I didn’t have to go it alone.
heymoonoz heymoonoz
22-25, F
Aug 19, 2014