I Am A Neanderthal
I believe every man should be able to change the oil in his own car.
Every man should be able to drive a stick shift without causing whiplash. Highschool girls should also learn in case that Neanderthal she went out with is too drunk to drive her home.
Guys. Pull your pants up. Enough already. No one wants to see that.
Guys, hold the door open for her, even if you don’t know her and she’s 10 steps behind you. I don’t care if you’re in a hurry or on the phone. Ladies, say thank you. We already know you were perfectly capable of opening it yourself, so the silent glare as you go by is wasted.
Stand your sorry butt up when your mother, grandmother, aunt or mother-in-law walks into the room. Show some respect. Actually, a true Neanderthal would stand up for any woman.
If a woman you love, be it girlfriend, wife, daughter, looks particularly nice, for God’s sake tell them. If you’re not that close to them, smile and nod. Any phrase starting with “Damn girl…” is not acceptable.
Speaking of women, treat them ALL with respect. I don’t care if she insulted you or whatever, if you can’t be respectful, just walk away.
Teach your son early, that “just rub some dirt on it” is a time-honored remedy for a skinned knee. Ladies, keep the Bactine or Neosporin in the medicine cabinet until after he comes in for a bath.
Cream and sweetener are both acceptable coffee additives. Anything else, be it hazelnut, mocha-whatever, latte’-café’ whatever, just isn’t. I’m sorry. Really. Good rule of thumb for coffee… if you can’t get it in a truck stop or at a Waffle House, you shouldn’t be drinking it.
Guys, never, ever, under any circumstances have a drink with an umbrella in it. That’s just wrong. I may make an exception for sitting poolside somewhere in Mexico, but need to give it some thought first.
If you’re walking along with your significant other, hold her hand or put your arm around her.
I think that government should serve the people… all of them. Not the other way around.
Guys, you are responsible for your actions and decisions and for the consequences that follow. Embrace this. It gives you the right to try new things and take risks, provided you’re willing to “Man Up” and deal with the fallout. You’re probably not a victim, so quit blaming someone else.
Carry cash. Every man should have cash in his pocket. I’m not talking $3.00 in change, either. You never know when a $50 bill could save you from a world of trouble.
I could go on from here, and probably will later, but for now, I’m donning my flame-proof loin cloth and hunkering down.
*** Recent Additions ****
It's a briefcase, not a "bag." Bonus points if there is a flask tucked in there.
Guys, don't be afraid to learn new things, and be on the lookout for people you can learn from. If you're not learning, you're dying. Think where we'd be if my buddy "Bob-Who-Runs-From-Mammoths" hadn't discovered fire. Learn something new today. You don't know everything. Ladies, wipe that smug smile off your faces... the same thing applies to you.
Men only need one thing in the shower... a bar of Irish Spring. Maybe some shampoo if it's still required. But by God, it better not smell like apricots or a "spring meadow."
While I'm on the subject, ditch the body spray. If you stink from a long day slaying saber tooth tigers, take a shower. See above.
******
Me Neanderthal. Me write words. You throw rocks now. Ugga.
**** NOTE: If you linked straight to this story, please see the other story under this group. I'm an equal opportunity jackass. ***
