More Cave Drawings From The Neanderthal
It’s been a while since I ventured out the cave, and I have a few more things I need to grunt about.
Every man should have jumper cables in the trunk of his car at all times, AND should know how to use them. If you don’t know how, look it up. It’s pretty straightforward. You always want to be the guy who says "Yes" when the cute girl in the parking lot says "Excuse me. Do you have jumper cables? I think my battery is dead."
Same thing applies to changing a flat tire. I know you’re wearing your "good" jeans and your shirt is clean, but if you let that woman with three kids in a minivan change it herself or sit in the hot sun for two hours waiting on AAA to show up, you should be ashamed. Grab the lug wrench and go at it. You’ll feel better.
Every man should know how to back up a trailer. It’s like taking a walk of shame when you have to climb out of the driver’s seat and let someone else back the boat down the boat ramp. Go slow… look over your right shoulder… remember that the trailer is going to move opposite the vehicle once you start turning. Don’t be afraid to pull forward to straighten things up.
Speaking of boats, all guys should be able to paddle a canoe. Rule of thumb… sit in the back and let her sit up front. That way you can steer and you get the bonus of being able to admire her.
All men should be able to throw a football and a Frisbee. Properly. Into the wind.
Expect to have your Neanderthal card revoked if you’re over the age of 14 and you ever start a sentence with "Well, my Mom says…" No exceptions. Period.
Guys, I can’t think of a nice way to say this, so I’ll just say it… learn how to make love to a woman. I hate to break the news to you, but 95% of the stuff you learned watching **** online isn’t going to help you. Sure most women don’t mind the occasional slap on the rear or a bit of hair pulling under the right circumstances, but you need to know how to make her go "Aaaaaaahhhhhhh….", or better yet, shout your name in the same sentence as God’s.
Yes, there are times that you are both going to want some hot, sweaty, monkey sex, but there are also times when you need to take your time to do it right. Ladies, forgive the analogy, but it’s kind of like the MG convertible I drove in college: If I took my time and let it warm up, it was a hell of a ride. But if I tried to jump on the throttle when it was cold, 9 times of 10, I would be left disappointed on the side of the road.
On a similar subject, never… EVER… ask a woman if you can kiss her. If you can’t tell if she wants you to simply by looking at her eyes, then chances are you are never going to get the opportunity to do it anyway.
Finally, never pass up a good opportunity to pee outside. It’s a simple reminder of why it’s good to be a man.
Me done for now. Ugga.