Unbearable Nightmare Of A Marriage

I don't want to go on and on, because I feel stupid. I feel like I saw signs before we were married, before the first child, before the second.
I knew h has major issues. His mother was a severe pill popper who was too selfish to be real mother, died last year. His on again off again father, a wife abuser who was cold and unaffectionate. Now he is exactly like the both of his parents. I had experienced fits of rage, carrying groceries up to the apartment, if the elevators were not there at perfect timing and people didn't hold doors open, he would freak out. On our wedding night, I was 8 months pregnant, he threw all the plastic forks and knifes against the wall because there were no serving spoons. After our wedding my aunt invited us down to the cottage for our honeymoon getaway. He didn't want to go because he didn't have any marijuana. I convinced him to go, as we were in the car I was putting on my jacket, as it wa cold and rainy. As I was putting my arm through one of the sleeves my arm popped out an hit him in the head, I said sorry but he immediately bashed me in the ear. That was the first and only time in 7 years that he ever got physical with me. But when it happened, I had him pull over and I got out in the pouring rain, just minutes from my aunt's house. Crying, wet, battered in the ear, I was stunned, I could not believe it. Why was this happening, he could not control his temper his rage. I wanted to run, but I had just got married, I was about to give birth in a month.

The rest is history now. He is worse today. It is unbearable. I like to go to church on SUnday with the kids, he would not help me with the kids but make things harder for me, by blowing up, screaming in the middle of service "I am never coming back here again with the kids, they are too much to handle". Then on the way home from church he had a various road rage incident and proceeded to drive upwards of 140 mph with 2 children under 2 in the car.

I play a role to, because I am the fuel in his tank. I ignite the flame. Some days I find myself igniting the candle quickly because I know he will be in a rage when he comes home from work he always is. I often express my concerns to him and he tells me I am nagging, bitching. I turn into crazy wife that is trapped in this intolerable cruelty. He will proceed to turn over and take a nap while I take care of the two children the dog and the house all on my own. HAd I known life would be like this I would have not married him. But I wasn't thinking about that. I wanted children so bad, I never thought that when the children came how his behaviour would affect them, but it has, and does. He yells at my oldest child the boy, and favours our youngest the girl.

I cry everynight because I know that it is over. However, he has me financially dependant on him with 2 children under 3. I have family that I can go to but I am scared to make the plunge. If it was just me it would be easy, but I have to make a decision for the children. I know that they will be better off, I am just scared to make the leap. I wish I could just have my entourage come in and pack my bags and move me to my own apartment with the kids.

He says things like, "if you ever leave me I will fight you tooth and nail for the children". I can't imagine getting away from him. Although I find myself daydreaming about my life minus all this chaos and pain. He says its me. I nag, I *****, I am never satisfied with what he does, or his favorites, "it's all in my head; you want yes man; that's TV not real life".

I am so done. I am living in a glass box, I see out, but I can't get out. I am extremely educated and flabergasted that this could happen to me. I am embarassed. I sometimes think, is this something, that I am garbage. I know thats the thoughts and feeling fueled by the abusive cycle. Some days I am so exhausted from constantly dealing with it, that I just pretend that I am happy to get through the day without any diruptions from my husband. I am constantly trying to accomodate and appease him. The tears are running down my face.
I know its unhealthy, disfunctional, but I am scared to go.
sharon4480 sharon4480
Jul 12, 2010