My Life. No One Knows All Of It.

Literally the first day of the rest of my life happened, sometime in March. I honestly can barely remember the day. I had just gotten home from shopping with my bestfriend and her mom and I was sitting in my dining room on my laptop doing my history homework. My mom came into the room and said the classic. "We have to talk." My heart jumped and my mind raced trying to think of things I had done that would make my parents mad. She sat down next to me. And I remember her exact words. "Theres no easy way to put this but Whits pregnant." My mind went to a million different places but I managed to ask by who. Just as I expected, her piece of **** boyfriend Ryan. I broke down. My sisters life was now ruined. I tried to get by, but my mom wouldnt let me by so I climbed under the dining room table, ran into my room and just went nuts. I threw up 3 times I was so upset. She takes meds for anxiety and depression. And now she's pregnant. The next 9 months were a blur for me. My parents almsot got divorced. I remember sitting in my moms room. She kept saying. "Maybe your father should go spend a few days at grandmas house". I knew my dad was cheating on my mom, i snooped through her phone and computer. I was the only stable person in my house. My oldest sister, Cali, who was 18 at the time was off coming home from her boyfriends house at 7:30 am. Whitney was 16 and pregnant. My younger brother who was 12 was getting all F's in school. So there I was, alone. I was forced to ditch my friends all the time because I had to be with my family. I am traumitized by Whitney. We had a temporary wall between our rooms. Every single night for two months she would cry herself to sleep, I wish she would just cry, but she would wail. My parents went out and bought me a portable dvd player, even with the volume turned up all the way and my earphones in, i could still hear her crying. I did everything in my power to make her feel better. One night, I bought a pack of post it notes, wrote encouraging notes on every single one of them and covered her entire door with them. She ignored them, and later on mocked me with my older sister Cali. But as much as it made my heart ache. To see Whitney happy. I didnt care. I was in a bad abd relationship, my boyfriend, Allen would just verbally hurt me, calling me bad words, ****, *****, *****, piece of ****, etc. One night. In August. We didnt know where Whit was. My parents were out looking for her so i decided to go into her room. It was a mess, as usual. There was a folded paper on the ground. I picked it up and unfolded it. It read: If you found this I'm probably dead by now. I couldnt do it anymore, I'm in a better place now. It was addressed to my family and the babys daddy. I remember what she had said to me. Kod: I dont know what to say, just know everythings going to be okay. My parents called a couple minutes after informing me they found Whit, alive.. Finding the note was THE worst day of my life by far. I have never told anyone about finding her suicide note besides my best best friend. Sometime i wish i did, but I cant sulk in the past. She continued to cry herself to sleep and lay in bed all day, I continued to do whatever I could, buy her her favorite foods or clothes. Nothing helped. She would always yell at me. The damn babys daddy moved in with another girl and was in love with someone else. Then about 2 weeks before my niece was born Whit let Ryan back into her life. She was so broken. She thought he would help. He did nothing but hurt. They would fight daily. I would have to lock Ryan out of our house. Finally. My gorgeous niece was born, Jordyn. I always compared my life to the song Damaged by Danity Kane. The last words in the song, P Diddy said "Sometimes you got to go through pain to experience the joy." And i thought Jordyn would be our joy. She was, dont get my wrong. I love her more than life.But Whit just went downhill. And now here I am. Ryan left her once Jordyn started getting difficult to take care of. I'm practically Jordyns mother. I have no friends, except from church because that is the one break I get. I dont have friends because I need to stay home and babysit my niece and sister. My sister has became one of my bestfriends. But, idk. Thats some of my life. There are so many details I cant even get into them. Ill go into flashbacks. Thanks for listening.
alwayskeepfaith alwayskeepfaith
Aug 11, 2010