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Suffocating Screams

When I was a teenager and again in my twenties, I used to bury my head in my pillow and scream until my lungs hurt. It was the only thing I could think of to get the anger and anguish I felt inside from being almost permanently abused and bullied, out. In my twenties it was more to do with the fact that I had become an aggressive person and I hated myself and felt caught in some mental trap where I wanted to be the nice guy I knew I was but was too frightened to show this side of me for fear of it being further punished; so instead I showed my aggression which was the only language the world understood.

I have since found freedom and normality through therapy and now live a normal life where I am happy but my mind often remembers the time I have spent alone in life because I could not trust anyone and the times when I used to scream into my pillow. It doesn't seem real to me anymore that I was that person yet the memories are still strong.

I promise my son will never know this pain, never will he have to suffocate his screams for fear of being beaten, abused, tortured or humiliated as I was by my mother and others. I frankly cannot believe that any person could treat a child so harshly as I was treated and although I have since forgiven my mother I will always do my utmost to silence abused children's screams.
Neq1 Neq1 41-45, M Dec 11, 2010

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