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First Entry Ever...

Well, here I sit.  Trying to figure this place out.  I'm rather confused on what exactly it is I'm supposed to do.  Do I just write random thoughts & put it in whatever "group" it falls in.  I guess you could say I'm lost, but lost is generally exactly where I am.

I've heard of this place often on OD & thought I'd try it out.  Seems like OD goes down when I feel the urge to write the most.  So, well, here I am.

Is this supposed to be like an intro post or what? lol

I'm sure most of what I write will be a downer post.  When life is happy I don't feel like writing.  When it sucks I feel like writing constantly.  Lately it seems like it's horrid more then it's good.  

My hands are full raising two energetic little boys.  I thank God for them daily.  Without them I have no doubts I wouldn't be here.  They leave me exhausted, but it's better then the alternative.  

I have a beautiful daughter that I gave up to my parents.  I was young, dumb & just not ready.  That is the biggest regret of my life.  I should have chose open adoption, I should have chose to keep her.  I thought I was giving her the best, but as time goes on I realized I screwed up.

I married the man I thought I was destined to be with forever.  I had a bitter divorce before that from a man that was bipolar & refused to be medicated.  I thought this time it was right.  I see I made the same mistake twice.  Not once, but twice.  I love him with all of my heart, but sometimes love just doesn't make things right.  No matter how much I love him it will never change.  As time goes on his true colors come out.  When it's great it's perfect, but when it's bad it's horrible.  It leaves me feeling like the biggest failure yet.  Worthless.  Stupid.  Alone.

I chose to move 1700 miles away from my family in December for my husbands job.  I thought I was doing the right thing yet again.  Three months later I'm dying inside.  I'm sad.  I'm alone.  I have nobody except my children.  I've booked a Uhaul for next week.  I'm prepared to be homeless.  My family will take the kids when we get there, but not me.  Yes, I may seriously be living down by the river.  I can accept this as long as I'm happy.  I can handle this as long as I'm not here, in the middle of nowhere, all alone.  In just a few minutes I'm supposed to call about the only house I've found in the last month of searching.  If it fails then it fails.  I gave up everything to come here.  And well, it was a bad, bad choice.

When life hurts too much I cut.  When the world is spinning out of control I take a little pill to make me feel numb.  When I want to die I wash down the pill with some vodka while showering to erase the blood.  That's me.  Simple.  The harder I try to be happy the unhappier I become.

I've decided it's time to change.  It's time to find me.  I'm moving home with or without my husband.  It's his choice & in his hands.  He needs to fix himself before we can even try to make this work.  I will succeed when I get home.  I will better my life.  I will make the best out of this ****** hand.  And in the end I'll look back on this as just a memory of hard times.  For the first time in my life I've decided to put myself first.  I'm realizing this is the only way I'll ever find the happiness I'm so desperately searching for.
justagirl84 justagirl84 26-30, F 2 Responses Mar 17, 2011

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i just call it a life....

Wow like ur moxy we all **** up sometimes it makes us a better person for it.