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Have You Ever Thought About...?

I've decided to type out what i feel instead of writing it in my journal. It's alot safer since my mom can find my journal and read it but she can't find this website as easily.

Recently I've been thinking alot more about the concept of.... death. or dying to be more exact. No, no, no. Im not going to.... well the thought of suicide has entered my mind but im not going to do it. The sweet embrace of death seems to overtake my mind and give me promises of washing away whatever pain that corrodes my being. I long for the freedom from a life of pain and yet the change that seems so close within my grasp rips itself from me. The possible rejection, scarring, judgements from the onse who say they care for me would ultimately be my end on this earth. This image of a perfect child that they have over me, it's not real, Its not me... they don't know what goes on in my head, they don't know what i deal with everyday! they refuse to accept that their only "perfect" child could possible get depression. Especially not someone who is a Christian. You're evil! is what they'd say. You never were a child of God! Christians dont get depression! YOUR NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH! is what they would all say. Snap out of it, your life isn't that hard!!!! So even after all of this, i won't reach out and grasp the change that is right in front of me. I'd rather die young than to live old with nothing changed. I'd rather leave now than to try the change that could end up ruining my life even more and have to live with it.

So now death threatens to embrace me
Pain has now encased me
Living his way, i feel war everyday
i'd rather die than to live this way
girstarpower girstarpower 16-17, F Mar 20, 2012

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