I Just Want Happiness...

I honestly don't even know where to start. I feel awful. Like there is a huge bolder on my shoulder and storm clouds encircling my life. Awful, that word just keeps coming back to me. Yet I also feel awful for coming on here and telling my story because I know there are plenty of people on here and around the world that have to go through much worse than I. It makes me feel spoiled and shameful. I'm newly 16 years old and I live with my mother, grandmother, and 1 1/2 year old niece. My mother and father aren't together, my grandmother is depressed and has to take care of my niece all the time, and my niece will never have the mother or father that she deserves. It seems as if life is just crumbling down around me.
I have four sisters, the oldest named Elaina. She has bi-polar and borderline multi-personalities disorder. She abused me, and my family, mentally and physically for years, since I was nine. And although she has done numerous things that have ripped my family apart she has always come first. "Josie, I have to visit Elaina at Easter Seals." or "Josie, you don't mind that I can't come to your school thing because Elaina ran away again."...this was a normal everyday thing. I learned about drugs and sex early in my life because of my older sister doing them in front of me. So many things.
My father puts my three little sisters and my step mom in front on me too. "Josie I think about you all the time." "Then why couldn't you call me Dad?"...is also a very normal thing. Every experience has made its mark on me. Leaving me stained, sad, and hopeless. Sitting alone in my room, provoking my sister to hit me...just because I thought that attention was better than no attention from my big sister.
Diabetes has also been a milestone in my life. Always 40 pounds overweight. School, after school activites, homework, eat, shower, bed. No time for being healthy. Even when I made time it always wound up being thrown in the trash because food was what I could turn to. It never had someone else it had to be there for. Yet, I hate typing that last line because it makes me sound pathetic and weak.
"The police are here, again." MY grandma would say. "Happy Mother's Day Elaina." I can't even count how mnay times I'd grab my rush to grab my niece and hide in my room blocking her ears as we sat in my closet. Screaming, swearing, clamor, and most of all, hate surrounding our atmosphere. A knock on my door. "Josline, please open the door. The police would like you to tell them what happened."
Shopping. Another common enemy. Especially for pants. "Here, Josie what size are those?" "17's mum." "Sorry hun, they don't carry bigger sizes." "It's alright mum, I can wear these pants until the end of the year." Although tears just run down my face because the ones I had worn to the store didn't fit me at all.
"Josie, let's get this winter jacket." "No Dad, it makes me look fat," my 8 year old self said. "It'll keep you warm." "No Dad." He got the jacket anyways because it was on clearance and it made me look three times my size. And yes, I was made fun of for that stupid jacket too. Sometimes I wish that I was able to mold myself like clay. Just add a bit of water and take off all the fat. But the down side is that once clay dries and it's been fired...it's like that forever...and it's as breakable as glass.
Drawing in my room I here screaming from my older sister's. I walk in slowly. It looks as if a tornado went through. There's blood on the floor. The word NEVER scratched into my sister's arm, a razor blade on the rug. B***CH, C**NT MOTHERF***ER, and promises of death drawn on the walls with black sharpie. That's the week I experimented with death. What it felt like to not be able to breathe underwater for a long time or holding my head on a pillow wondering how long it would take, if it would hurt, how many people would cry.
"Josie, I love you. I'm sorry." My older sister says, hugging me for the first time in years. I flinch. All I can say is. "Thank you for apologizing." Because I don't forgive her. Resentment. My sister Elaina and I hold it against each other like a sword of truth. All of this makes my life seem horrible, as if there are no good moments. There are plenty of good moments, and I have a wonderful mom...none of what happened is her fault. Though, with just what I'm talking about, it may seem that way to some.
"Josie what are you drawing?" I was 10 when my sister's therapist started to see me too...she was worried about my well being. I didn't answer her. "Is that mom and Elaina?" I nod. "What are they doing?" "Yelling." "Where are you?" "I'm there too. You just can't see me." "I can see you Josie." "No you can't. I'm invisible." "Is that a super-power?" (I loved superheroes) "No."
Driving down the highway with my dad's friends...my first piano hooked up to a trailer. This was one of the best days of my life. I had always wanted to learn piano and this seemed to be the break through the darkness. It wasn't the best one. It wasn't and tune and a few keys always stick...but it was a start. My phone rings. "Tell Dad to find a bridge, it's pouring here." I tell him. He gives me that look as if my mother has no idea what she's talking about. It was sunny and we were only one town over. One lesson to you all. Don't trust New England weather. We got to the exit and it poored. I think I actually saw cats and dogs coming down tfrom the sky. I instantly started panicing. My piano. my beloved piano...nothing covering it but a thin sheet. I started to cry, no sound, just tears. My mouth hung wide open. My father looked as if he wanted to punch himself for being such an idiot. We pulled under the nearest bridge. and took the sheet off. It was soaked. And now, almost un-playable. It could never hold tune now since it hadn't been tuned in 8 years before this day. My lifed seemed to crush in around me. Somehow...maybe it was pure luck. But only the two end keys got wet...the entire keyboard. soundboard and pedals were DRY.

Sorry. I was just feeling so awful...memories running through my head, leaving me no peace. Sometimes I just need to vent to get it all out. But still, I can't help but think that there may be other people out there who would want my life. I have food, shelter, clothes, an education, i know my mom and dad, I'm free...yet I still feel down and sad. My face stuck in a depressed emotion. So I just want happiness. I want to love and be loved back...to be happy. But there are so many things in my way and I don't know how to get past them. I hope I'm not the only one like this.
breakingthrough762 breakingthrough762
18-21, F
1 Response May 17, 2012

hmmm, you remind me of when i was young. Ill get into detail another time. life is full of bad times, contempt and such and this and i find it all bull to be honest im my case. It seems like you feel that you hit rock bottom dont you? Its like a pain in your gut what refuses to go away. I even lost my one and only absolute love because of others envy (no she ain't dead but she is absolutely unreachable...). and i have felt the cold embrace of death before. I got lucky but i was so terrified and afraid for a while. all oppotunities, friends, fammily, idiots who need a slap in the head, all would be erased. I could have allowed my boydy to give in but i didnt give up.<br />
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and happiness? im very poor, doing quite crappy in my work, got people who have hatred for me(why i will never know...) and you know what. I could never be happier! Later on, im going to tell you why im so happy with my s***** life soon but i must attend to some things. but i want you to give it some thought. can you please do that for me?

Yes, I can give it some thought. Thanks for replying although you couldn't go into much detail. It at least allows me to know that I'm not the only one with this feeling.