Loving Him Killed Who I Was!!!!!

so now looking back i should of listen to my own instinics,and what everyone else warned me about him,but i am the type of person that believes in giving everyone a chance.when i first meet him i was not intreasted in him,but he kept pursuing me and i finally gave in.the first week was great,then him and his exwife got into a fight over a computer,so she called the cops on him and he got arrested on a warrent for unpaid fines,i came outside to see him being arrested and not knowing what was going on and he came to me starting to scream at me calling me a ***** and a rat,i was so hurt and confused not understanding what was going on.well that should of been a red flag for me,but nope 3days later he called me and asked me to come get him from jail and i did it.so for a little while things went good,we where living together(and of course i paid foreverthing cause he never worked and still doesnt)the one reason i didnt want to get with him in the first place was because he had a drinking problem but he stopped when we got together,but not 2wks later he was drinking again,so when he drank is when he became verbually abusive.the next day i would tell him what he had said to me and he would say he didnt remember,and he was sorry and how much he loved me and i feel for it,i always did.a few months go by and things were not good at all and by this time i found myself drinking more and more so i could avoid everything he was doing to me.i finally ended it and told him to get out,and i thought that was it,the next day he texed me sayin he loved me and said he couldnt be with out me,i ignored it and didnt reply,it was not easy but i started to move on and date,hangout with friends,and a month later he coned me back,telling me everything that i wanted to hear and once again i was fooled cause it just got worse he was now not just verbally abusive,it was now physical,and i was drinking more than i ever had,i just wanted to avoid everything that was going on around me and i would always apolgise for everything even knowing i was not at fault,i just wanted to make him happy **** making myself happy right?we were breaking up almost every week,he would cheat on me,lie and i even now think he stole from me.i would always take him back,i felt like i would die without him(pathatic)it came to a point where i was lying to my family and sneaking around to be withn him.i made this man my whole world,i lived and breathed for him,nothing and noone else mattered.i stood by him through everything and i knew what i was doing was unheathy i just couldnt stay away as much as i wanted too my sick twised love i had for him had to much power over me,i knew the only way i could stay away was to leave state,and thart is what i did,but after a month i came back i decied that he took enough from me and i was not going to let him take anymore from me.so i am back home and it has been 5months,and it has been a long road and everything that has happen i dont regret it cause i believe it is something that i needed to go through to bring me to where i am now.although is actions towards me where not good,i dont blame him cause i allowed everything to happen i should of walked away.now that i am sober,and my eyes are wide open i say to myself i cant believe i allowed all that.i now know he never loved me,he loved what i did for him,and although i will always love him i will never allow myself to go back.we have not spoke or seen eachother in 5months,and wouldnt u know it the other day he texes me hey baby i miss u,and still in love with u.....and my response was go tell ur girlfriend that.....it just shows that he is never going to change,im am back to me again,and he is not worth me losing everything i worked so hard to get back to.so i loved,but most of all i learned:)
clippedwings41 clippedwings41
41-45, F
2 Responses Dec 5, 2012

Good for you for finding the strength and belief in yourself to walk. Men and women all fall for the warped ones every now and again, its learning from it and walking away that makes us who we are.

Congrats on your sobriety. Trusting your instincts I have found is skill that takes practice.